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Sister brother relationship possible between affair partners?


PinkJade

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I've had an on-line EA with my AP (who is single ) for about 10 months, and now my AP and I know it is best that we should end the relationship due to our guilts and shame. He is supportive of me that I should go back to my husband.

 

Logically, I know the best thing to do is NC. But both my AP (now ex) & I just couldn't cut all ties because we still treasure this emotional connection between us. I had been trying to do the NC for 3 rounds (during this past 3 months) already. But each time, within 2 to 4 days, we are back in chatting (via texts & calls) again.

 

My ideal plan is perhaps we can do NC until I am fully (emotionally 100%) getting back to my marriage & my husband. After that, my ex-AP and I can be like a sister/brother type of relationship in the future.

 

I have no siblings & I have always had wanted a brother figure in my life. Does any of you have any success story that your Ex-AP can be a sibling figure, while you are still going strong in your marriage?

Edited by PinkJade
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Ask your husband, if he wants your ex AP around? Or are you going to keep your new "brother' a secret, just like you kept the EA secret? See where this is leading? Perhaps it would be better if you would spend more time repairing your marriage, instead of trying to find excuses to keep the AP in your life.

Edited by JustJoe
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As a fWS, I have to say that this would be so wrong. It is still lying to your husband. It is still disrespecting your husband. It is still a betrayal. It is still eating cake.

 

 

No. You can never be friends with this man. The fact that you are trying to hold on to this OM through a friendship should tell you (it tells us for sure) that you have not really ended the affair.

 

Edit: I still work with the exOM and the way I manage that is by not having any personal interaction at all with him. We talk work but NEVER personal, not even "harmless" chit chat. If my husband ever thought for one moment that the exOM and I were friends then he would quite rightly end the marriage.

Edited by anne1707
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Thank you JustJoe for your quick response. I know I have been struggling with the same questions you posted here.

 

My ex-AP & I know we won't cross the line in the future. The relationship between us will be strictly platonic. Now he also understand we need to be strictly NC until I emotionally (full 100%) getting back to my H.

 

It is not I'm trying to keep my AP around. It is just being a single child growing up I've always feel very lonely. And my husband doesn't want children. I just don't want someday to die alone.

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As a fWS, I have to say that this would be so wrong. It is still lying to your husband. It is still disrespecting your husband. It is still a betrayal. It is still eating cake.

 

 

No. You can never be friends with this man. The fact that you are trying to hold on to this OM through a friendship should tell you (it tells us for sure) that you have not really ended the affair.

 

Edit: I still work with the exOM and the way I manage that is by not having any personal interaction at all with him. We talk work but NEVER personal, not even "harmless" chit chat. If my husband ever thought for one moment that the exOM and I were friends then he would quite rightly end the marriage.

 

May I ask what is fWs?

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Former wayward spouse. I.e. I had an affair just as you are having an affair now.

 

Thanks for the "tough love" message. May I ask how long did it take you fully to get back to your husband?

 

How long was your NC to get to your stage now?

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Mine was a full 3 year affair and my husband knows as I disclosed.it took a very long time to get where we are now. It was made harder because of working with the exOM. It meant that when my focus should have been on my marriage, it was far too often still on the exOM. It was a huge turning point for me when I stopped myself doing that and that was when the real progress on reconciling the marriage started.

 

I know you think you can be friends with this man but I know the lies a WS will tell themselves in order to have an affair. Stop lying to yourself about what you want from this "friendship"

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I have no siblings & I have always had wanted a brother figure in my life. Does any of you have any success story that your Ex-AP can be a sibling figure, while you are still going strong in your marriage?

 

Something like an undercover brother? I'm going to guess the answer is no. Maybe stop watching Game of Thrones for a bit.

 

Seriously... anyone you might possibly want to have sex with can't qualify as a sibling.

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Mine was a full 3 year affair and my husband knows as I disclosed.it took a very long time to get where we are now. It was made harder because of working with the exOM. It meant that when my focus should have been on my marriage, it was far too often still on the exOM. It was a huge turning point for me when I stopped myself doing that and that was when the real progress on reconciling the marriage started.

 

I know you think you can be friends with this man but I know the lies a WS will tell themselves in order to have an affair. Stop lying to yourself about what you want from this "friendship"

 

I totally understand what you are writing here. I whole-heartily appreciate your moral support helping me opening my eyes to reality.

 

I want to move on & break away from the affair & the emotional turmoil associate with it. So does my exAP.

 

My current main struggle is

Being a single child growing up, I've always feel very lonely. And my husband doesn't want children. I just don't want someday to die alone. So a part of my brain is telling me perhaps this brotherly relationship might ease that "dying alone" fear.

 

Isn't in order to move on, we have to acknowledge our feelings first?

 

That fear of dying alone is also a feeling that I cannot ignore. I understand it is a underline unresolved problem I need individual counseling to deal with. But is that wrong having a platonic brotherly friendship after a totally-done-affair?

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Something like an undercover brother? I'm going to guess the answer is no. Maybe stop watching Game of Thrones for a bit.

 

Seriously... anyone you might possibly want to have sex with can't qualify as a sibling.

 

I appreciate your input here. I haven't watched a single episode of Game of Thrones so my idea is not from there. Lol :)

 

I know you used "possibly want to have sex" here. But TBH, this affair (A) is strictly emotional. I haven't even met my Ex-AP in person. This A was strictly an on-line EA. Both of us didn't and still don't even want any physical contact because we intent to keep the relationship platonic.

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You say you don't want to die alone hence this I is your excuse to continue a relationship with someone you have never met and say you never intend to meet. Can you see how ridiculous this sounds?

 

If you are after building friendships because you are lonely then build those friendships with people who you can meet and also not have to hide the relationships from your husband.

 

Even better, build your relationship with your husband. Tell him you worry about being alone. See what you can do together to make your marriage stronger.

 

 

Just to add: if you have to not meet in order to keep the relationship platonic then that says it all really. You want to have sex with this man and the only way you can stop that happening is by not meeting him.

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"You say you don't want to die alone hence this I is your excuse to continue a relationship with someone you have never met and say you never intend to meet. Can you see how ridiculous this sounds?" - Anne1707

 

I might sound a bit innocent, but please don't shred on me. Both my ex-AP and I have agreed we will ONLY meet after I fully reconcile my feeling with my husband. I know my priority now is getting back to my H. That's why I broke off this Affair & my ex supports me in this too.

 

Our EA was 10 months. So perhaps it takes the same amount of time for NC, or longer, like 1 year, 2 years, however long it takes for me to be 100% getting back emotionally strong w/ my husband.

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Just to add: if you have to not meet in order to keep the relationship platonic then that says it all really. You want to have sex with this man and the only way you can stop that happening is by not meeting him.

 

Both of us don't want sex. It might sound strange to most of the people here. But really, we never had, have and will want sex in this relationship. I don't know how to explain this. Really, this was an emotional affair only. We both have the mindset of Plato - straightly platonic.

 

The not meet-up is not to prevent any sexual act; rather, I want to focus my energy getting back to my husband.

 

My question posted here is just for the future, perhaps a far future.

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we need to be strictly NC until I emotionally (full 100%) getting back to my H.

 

I think JustJoe was right. This is up to your husband.

 

Does your husband know about your affair?

 

Once you are fully (100%, as you say) back with your husband, you won't be lying to his face anymore and certainly wouldn't be in contact with your former affair partner without your husband's blessing.

 

Or do you think that you can be 100% with your husband and still lie to him about having had an affair AND keep hidden contact with your affair partner? Is that what 100% means to you?

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Ok, let me write this back as it comes off to us reading it.

 

"I'm involved emotionally with another man that has pulled my attention away from my husband. I want to focus on rebuilding the emotional connection with my husband, then get involved with the same man that pulled me away in the first place"

 

How does that even sound sane to you? If a friends relationship was possible and what you wanted then it would have never progressed past that point in the first place.

 

I'm saying this only to help you "you ma'am are so totally full of sh it". If your intent is to focus on and rebuild a relationship with your husband, how can you plan on having your AFFAIR partner be a part of your life in the future? This honestly makes sense to you?

 

Here is an idea, explain this plan to your husband. How would that even work? "Hey honey I would like you to meet my friend who use to be my AP, he will now be hanging around, I will be spending time with him, but only as friends"

 

since its unlike that your husband knows about the affair, you actually intend on doing this behind his back. Inviting your affair partner into your life all made up as a friend right under his nose. Flip it here, would you want this done to you?

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I totally understand what you are writing here. I whole-heartily appreciate your moral support helping me opening my eyes to reality.

 

I want to move on & break away from the affair & the emotional turmoil associate with it. So does my exAP.

 

My current main struggle is

Being a single child growing up, I've always feel very lonely. And my husband doesn't want children. I just don't want someday to die alone. So a part of my brain is telling me perhaps this brotherly relationship might ease that "dying alone" fear.

 

Isn't in order to move on, we have to acknowledge our feelings first?

 

That fear of dying alone is also a feeling that I cannot ignore. I understand it is a underline unresolved problem I need individual counseling to deal with. But is that wrong having a platonic brotherly friendship after a totally-done-affair?

 

He is not your friend. Friends don't help you harm your marriage.

 

The only child thing? If you need friends- look first towards your spouse, and then towards people you are not attracted to and can hold healthy boundaries with.

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How does that even sound sane to you? If a friends relationship was possible and what you wanted then it would have never progressed past that point in the first place.

 

Here is an idea, explain this plan to your husband. How would that even work? "Hey honey I would like you to meet my friend who use to be my AP, he will now be hanging around, I will be spending time with him, but only as friends"

 

Got it. Totally understand your points.

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Got it. Totally understand your points.

 

 

Truth be told, I believe that you honestly think a friendship with your AP is possible. Behind that however is the motives of keeping him engaged as a replacement for your husband. Just a way to keep him in the picture.

 

I think should you focus on your marriage and husband you will find less of a need for him and you will start to see how flawed this plan is. Its simply justification for maintaining contact.

 

Also a warning, we just had another poster in a similar situation with a OAP, she found out he was a total con man, and had several other women he was also involved with. As I told her you have no idea who this guy is, you only know what he wants you to know. For all you know he is a 16 year old high school jr feeding you lines from a book or movie or some married guy with 5 kids.

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He is not your friend. Friends don't help you harm your marriage.

 

The only child thing? If you need friends- look first towards your spouse, and then towards people you are not attracted to and can hold healthy boundaries with.

 

Thanks for your advice. Both my ex-AP & I feel terrible about what we've done & he himself knows the harms we did to my marriage. It takes 2 to tangle, so I don't want all the blames to him. I'm as guilty.

 

Thanks for your time helping a confused soul. She gets it now.

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Truth be told, I believe that you honestly think a friendship with your AP is possible. Behind that however is the motives of keeping him engaged as a replacement for your husband. Just a way to keep him in the picture.

 

He is my ex now. Perhaps I should make the title clear, and change to ".... between ex-APs"

 

No I don't intent to replace him as my husband, at all ! If I did, I would consider a divorce now.

 

But thanks for your time in helping a confused soul.

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PinkJade,

I think you're getting ahead of yourself. Instead of planning on what you will do in the future after you've gone NC and reconnected with your husband, you should be figuring out how you are going to actually stick with NC right now. Or, are all these plans to resume a relationship with your AP in the future simply your way of making the current NC more tolerable? Because it won't. In fact it will have the opposite effect.

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What you are essentially saying is you want to friendzone your AP and keep him on reserve as back up in case things don't work out with your H.

 

Here's the catch, as you as you have the AP waiting in the wings on reserve for you, you will not put 100% effort into your marriage and your marriage will fail because of that.

 

This is why we always tell BSs that in order for a reconciliation to have any hope of working, the WS must go 100% NC for life with the AP.

 

As long as the AP is in the picture AT ALL the affair is not over and the AP still has a hold on the WS and the M does not stand a chance of surviving.

 

In order for the M to stand a chance, you have to let completely go of the AP. If you can't do that or aren't willing or able to do that, then you should let your H go so he can move on and find someone that will love and be devoted to him instead of stuck with some gal that's just blowing sunshine up his butt pretending to be over her affair.

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