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D-Day....2 years later


jnel921

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Today marks the turning point in my M. 2 years ago today I posted how my H lied and broke us.

 

Since then I can say that the road to R has been a tough but good one. For those who are willing and committed to taking that journey don't expect instant normalcy. In the two years that we have worked on us I worked really hard on forgiving my H for his actions. I held back from expressing any kind of love verbally to him for over a year and a half. I was angry.

 

My H gave me total transparency. No locks on his phone. A find my iPhone app helps me locate his whereabouts. His attitude toward us and me is different. He has professed how much he loves me everyday even moreso than before. He even looks at me differently. He has apologized over the years over and over again especially if he senses I still hurt. He wishes he could have made a different choice back than but appreciates that I chose to stay and give him and us another chance.

 

Second chances aren't easy. In a way in the beginning it made me feel that perhaps I was a fool. I questioned whether or not I wanted to be seen with him around anyone who knew of this bad behavior. There were many times I went to bed in tears because the mind movies and memories of the pics and text would haunt me. When we would make love I would ruin my own experience wondering if in his mind he was thinking of her. I was a complete mess.

 

I honestly had to fall in love with him again. His actions did break us. I couldn't look at him the same for some time. How do you screw someone else and then tell me how much you LOVE me? LOVE brings your a$$ home!

 

But over the course of the two years he committed himself to improving our M. I did begin to feel once again the love he claimed to have towards me. Then six months ago I eventually I told him I loved him and he cried like a baby. I was afraid at first that this somehow may make him feel like he had me in the bag and now he could act up and hurt me again. But that wasn't the case.

 

The A did change us. For the better I can say. We are still a work in progress. It will still be a few years before I can think of all of this and maybe not feel some kind of way. There are certain things that will never be the same. I can't go to my grave saying that our M was monogamous and that he had eyes for only me or that he has never kissed or touched anyone else.

 

It's understandable when The BS can't get past all of that and decides to D. WS need to realize that the whole experience while it was great and exciting for them, was a disrespectful, selfish and humiliating act towards the BS. When you have a WS who is not remorseful and who justifies their actions based on the lack of whatever the reasons they feel led them to do it... It's just pure crap. I have been there before in my first M and I beleive this was the most traumatizing. No one wants to be made a promise of honor and love and have that broken.

 

Having a WS who won't own up to their actions then blame you for it is disgusting. It bothers me to read so many postings here of BS who try to hang on to people who obviously don't love them. In the end these people are broken and some of them don't want to be fixed. No one deserves to live whatever life they have left on this earth in misery.

 

I think once you love yourself wholeheartedly no one can disrespect you. It is the first step in healing yourself. Letting go of the anger and letting god or whatever it is that you believe in to help you to guide yourself into a better life and situation.

 

Whether you stay or go. You have to make it the best outcome for you. I have. I know I wanted to be happy. I had to search deep in my soul at that time if it would still be with him. I knew at the time I wasn't happy about what happened but I could feel that my H had that potential. The question was, could I work with him on improving this situation without letting my emotions get the best of me? Was he sincere about it? Most importantly I had to be okay with my decision and what it meant to me. This didn't mean that I stayed and accepted this. I stayed so we could work on rebuilding the foundation of our M that was obviously cracked. I am happy that we did.

 

There were signs prior to this. Sometimes I wish I could have come down on him back then to avoid the ultimate betrayal. But I think that most of us don't want to beleive that we are married to people like this. Someone who is capable of hurting us, sleeping with other people, contracting disease, getting others pregnant, telling lies, living a double life and all the while smile in our faces.

 

I know it is hard. I have gone through this twice in two different M's. Having a remorseful WS makes all of the difference. So for those of you who have stayed but feel that nothing has changed, think again about how you want to live out the rest of your days. No one is worth the misery.

 

If your R is going well like mine, don't mess it up with random attacks of anger. Embrace the love and everything that is going right in your M. If you have been given or are giving someone a second chance.... Do the work. You owe it to yourself to be happy with someone or with yourself.

 

Good luck to all of you.

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I misread the title of your post before I read your post. I saw Dday after 2 years and thought oh no after 2 years of R it happened again. As I read I was relieved. I actually needed to see something like this today to keep me from slipping in my R. Thank you

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A couple things you touched on, I feel I could have wrote as could most BS's one of which I don't recall reading about much.

 

When you talked about have others that know your situation. That is a tough one. It seems like every time we are around a group of friends a couple are off to the side looking at us having a secret conversation. I tell myself it isn't about us, or our situation but I think it likely is. It does make you feel foolish at times. Like you decision is being judged by those closest to you. Its hard.

 

Another part is wanting or trying to view them the same. In part I wish I could see her as I once did. I know she wishes I would look at her the way I use to. However, I saw her as perfect. Beautiful, sexy, smart, always has my best interest at heart PERFECT. Its not fair, it was never fair. Because that has changed I don't see her the same, and its just not fair to her. Still beautiful, sexy and smart but like me flawed. That is my new normal, I can live with that.

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Sorry Red123. I didn't want to note this as an anniversary. To me those are something you celebrate or reflect on with great respect. I addressed this as the turning point in our M. Because that is what it truly was and what happened that day.

 

DKT3 - In the beginning no one knew expect his coworkers since this happened with a close friend he worked with. So he was a pariah at work for a long time as he used to be one of the few guys there that used to talk about how much he loved his wife and he turns around and does this. To a good friend no less.

 

For a time I wanted to avoid situations or events where I would see his coworkers. My heart couldn't handle the humiliation or judgment. As time went on I realized our relationship was different and how we felt about each other was stronger. This gave me the strength I needed. I have only 2 friends of what happened. Honestly I don't care how they feel about it. I have reconciled my feelings and only wanted them to know that everything was fine and that I am ok.

 

I don't feel like I am perfect. None of us are. I just don't understand the decisions or actions of an A when the WS claims to love their BS and wants to stay. This has been the hardest hump to get over. Again a work in progress.

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jnel921: are you haunted by intrusive thought and visions of him locked in passionate, sexual embrace with OW? Does the thought that your husband did those things with another woman jump up and kick you in the stomach every now and again?

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jnel921: are you haunted by intrusive thought and visions of him locked in passionate, sexual embrace with OW? Does the thought that your husband did those things with another woman jump up and kick you in the stomach every now and again?

 

In the beginning it did. But now it doesn't. He has expressed so much hatred and remorse about that situation that I do beleive there are no feelings there. Perhaps if he felt differently I would suspect something and again the mind movies. But right now I am done with all of that. I am sure he had some kind of hot monkey sex with her that I can't change.

 

The bottom line is that after all of that he wanted to be with me. What does that say about the OW? She wasn't what he wanted and hasn't looked for it since.

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In the beginning it did. But now it doesn't. He has expressed so much hatred and remorse about that situation that I do beleive there are no feelings there. Perhaps if he felt differently I would suspect something and again the mind movies. But right now I am done with all of that. I am sure he had some kind of hot monkey sex with her that I can't change.

 

The bottom line is that after all of that he wanted to be with me. What does that say about the OW? She wasn't what he wanted and hasn't looked for it since.

This is one reason you are having a measure of success reconciling. In general, BH's are tortured by the sexual component and this is what makes it so horrible. And the "feelings" part of the cheating means very little to lots of men. I think this is why more women are able to recover from infidelity then men.

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This is one reason you are having a measure of success reconciling. In general, BH's are tortured by the sexual component and this is what makes it so horrible. And the "feelings" part of the cheating means very little to lots of men. I think this is why more women are able to recover from infidelity then men.

 

 

You know I was there in my first M. That feeling that took over me was my ego.

 

The ego can be a very devastating thing. This is why I leave it at the door in any of the other relationships I had after my first H. I couldn't believe he could do that to me. I believed I was beautiful and such a great wife. I was encouraging, loving and supportive, paying the bills while he went to school. So WTF??? Why would he focus on another woman and why would he sleep with her. Then deny it and show no signs of remorse. Told everyone I was a liar and that the problem was that we couldn't communicate. This angered me the most. To the point where if I didn't have the help I did, I could have easily snapped and taken lives away.

 

In the end I realized that it wasn't about me. He had the problem. He had to fix it. The M was over and I knew I'd never take him back. He was a liar and a cheat and 18 years later he hasn't changed. My current H is a different story.

 

When I found out I was angry. My anger was more so the hurt over the commitment we made to each other. The physical affair was only a small part. I cared more about any emotions and efforts if any that was invested into this and if that was the case then I'd have to decide if it was too much to forgive.

 

It is all hurtful. But I know it had nothing to do with me. We could have worked on us a long time ago and improved those things that we have now. But my H had the issue. He was the one who had the wandering eye that eventually was blackened when reality hit him.

 

He himself told me that it wasn't about me, but I already knew that. So this time around I had better tools to deal with this.

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So glad to see that things are going well ( as well as can be under the circumstances ).

 

 

I think too many give up way to quickly. But each has their own inner things to deal with. It is a very individual disaster.

 

 

2 1/2 years past D-day for us. Going extremely well. I don't stop by LS much any more. It is sometimes a very hurtful reminder of bad days. I am so glad that I saw your update story today!

 

 

 

I hope that LS fills with more success stories like yours.

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You know I was there in my first M. That feeling that took over me was my ego.

 

The ego can be a very devastating thing. This is why I leave it at the door in any of the other relationships I had after my first H.

I agree completely. Unfortunate, I am a man and (generally) we don't handle infidelity in the same manner as a woman does. You simply cannot separate ego or self-esteem from the very essence of a man and who he is. It is how he sees himself; it is who he believes he is - and his world is balanced upon these anchors. I think its mostly genetic but is strongly reinforced in us our whole lives. A man cannot leave it at the door any more than he can leave all of his life experiences at the door.

 

Please don't take this as some kind of slight towards women. Or that no women is allowed to have an ego. I really hate those attacks that I seem to get whenever I point out that there are basic, fundamental differences in the way men and women GENERALLY respond to infidelity and that this makes reconciliation a different process for each sex.

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I agree completely. Unfortunate, I am a man and (generally) we don't handle infidelity in the same manner as a woman does. You simply cannot separate ego or self-esteem from the very essence of a man and who he is. It is how he sees himself; it is who he believes he is - and his world is balanced upon these anchors. I think its mostly genetic but is strongly reinforced in us our whole lives. A man cannot leave it at the door any more than he can leave all of his life experiences at the door.

 

Please don't take this as some kind of slight towards women. Or that no women is allowed to have an ego. I really hate those attacks that I seem to get whenever I point out that there are basic, fundamental differences in the way men and women GENERALLY respond to infidelity and that this makes reconciliation a different process for each sex.

 

When I see someone blame their gender for "the way they are" and give some canned answers to back it up (even though thousands upon thousands of other men have reacted differently) I really just see an excuse not to change. Like my sister. She is as emotional as emotional can be. No control over letting it all hang out. And when people encourage her to be a little more logical and a little less emotional on certain things she blames her vagina and carries on. Accepting men and women are different and then their are differences among each gender is a good thing. Using it as an excuse to stay in an unhealthy place? Well, I guess that is a choice everyone is entitled too. But i does get tiring it being used as an excuse.

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