How does being a BS affect future relationships?

[Striver]

For those who have been betrayed and are no longer with the WS, how does the experience affect new relationships?

 

It has occurred to me that attempting reconciliation with the WS is a "devil you know" scenario. The WS may cheat again, but the surprise factor will be gone and it will not hurt the same. Whereas with a new partner there is a risk that the new partner will also cheat. Being cheated on by two consecutive partners seems like it would be more painful than multiple cheating by one partner.

 

Those sorts of feelings also lead to the BS to WS "conversion" that some people go through. They want the new relationship, but don't trust it, and their own cheating is a way of feeling less vulnerable and seizing control. I think there are many reasons why that happens so frequently.

 

Anyway, I am trying to map out the rest of my life, what kind of relationships will work for me. What are people's experiences with how infidelity/betrayal with a past partner has changed their new relationships?

[ComingInHot]

For those who have been betrayed and are no longer with the WS, how does the experience affect new relationships?

 

It has occurred to me that attempting reconciliation with the WS is a "devil you know" scenario. The WS may cheat again, but the surprise factor will be gone and it will not hurt the same. Whereas with a new partner there is a risk that the new partner will also cheat. Being cheated on by two consecutive partners seems like it would be more painful than multiple cheating by one partner.

 

Those sorts of feelings also lead to the BS to WS "conversion" that some people go through. They want the new relationship, but don't trust it, and their own cheating is a way of feeling less vulnerable and seizing control. I think there are many reasons why that happens so frequently.

 

Anyway, I am trying to map out the rest of my life, what kind of relationships will work for me. What are people's experiences with how infidelity/betrayal with a past partner has changed their new relationships?

 

 

In Bold; Oh holy cr@p. I had not thought of this. Cheated on 2x's would mean that it wouldn't be that men cheat but that they cheat On Me!

 

But, look at it like this maybe, you have a decision to make. A.) Take a chance on love again. And Again. And again because you innately desire that connection with someone and you should look until you find it regardless of the risk of cheating. ORrrrrr B.) decide to guard your hard against POSSIBLE hurt and proceed with the 'hit it and quit it' thing but never experience that intimacy that comes with loving a partner again.

 

I am trying to 'map' out my future too* I know right now that I couldn't live not loving, so I know my choice. Am I absolutely Terrified? Oh yeah I am. But fear has never really been a show stopper for me and I am not stopping now.

I think, in time, you will want more too

[MadJackBird]

Striver,

 

Interesting Question. I felt like I needed to weigh in as I'm dealing with this right now. I'm a BH and my fWW was a serial cheater. She had multiple adulteries. After DD#1, we tried to "fix" our marriage but a number of years later she cheated again.

 

I don't agree that BS are more likely to cheat. I think the reasons people cheat are varied, but in general it takes a certain type of personality to be a serial cheater. For my fWW she had problems with addictions. Inappropriate relationships were just one of her addictions. I'm a very trusting and very loyal and very open and honest person. I could never cheat, just because I'm not wired that way.

 

As I've done some dating since my divorce I've discovered I am dealing with a lot of self esteem issues. I'm a fairly good looking, active person, have a good job, loving and caring father. However I feel like I'm sort of on edge in my dating life. Like waiting for it to fall apart, or not really believing I'm worthy?!? I don't know if that makes sense. So I'm not dealing with my hurt from fWW by cheating, but really by feeling inadequate.

 

I'm in an amazing relationship right now. It probable helps that she was not a BS herself. She has a lot of self confidence and knows how to build me up and reassure me with my own insecurities.

 

I've found that if two BS end up dating it can be difficult as both deal with those insecurities and tend to over analyze the relationship way more then it needs to be. It is good to have someone balance out whatever issues you may be dealing with.

 

Good Luck.

[Arieswoman]

Striver,

You asked,

For those who have been betrayed and are no longer with the WS, how does the experience affect new relationships?

 

I think it depends on what you have learned from the betrayal. I got into some serious counselling/therapy to repair my damaged self-esteem, and review who I was and where I was with my life.

 

I skilled-up and developed some latent talents to enhance my self-worth. I realised that I didn't need a man's approval to define me or make me feel good about myself.

 

It made me very picky. I tuned up my "BS radar" and if a guy I was dating gave me any nonsense they got one warning then, if they transgressed again, they were told to go and "take a long walk off a short pier".

 

None of this stopped anyone cheating on me, and I was cheated on again, but I was able to cope and just walk away, instead of falling apart and getting depressed.

 

Being cheated on by two consecutive partners seems like it would be more painful than multiple cheating by one partner

 

I can't comment on this personally, but girls I know who were repeatedly betrayed by their WS suffered badly.

 

Those sorts of feelings also lead to the BS to WS "conversion" that some people go through. They want the new relationship, but don't trust it, and their own cheating is a way of feeling less vulnerable and seizing control. I think there are many reasons why that happens so frequently

.

 

This could well be true, but these women aren't really dealing with the problem. In addition, they are making the "new man" pay for the crimes of the WS, which is just plain mean.

 

In a nutshell, you can never stop anyone cheating on you, but you can equip yourself to deal with it if it does happen. That was my mistake. I never thought for one second that my first husband would betray me, and I was totally unprepared when he did.

 

Good luck x

[oldshirt]

 

It has occurred to me that attempting reconciliation with the WS is a "devil you know" scenario. The WS may cheat again, but the surprise factor will be gone and it will not hurt the same. Whereas with a new partner there is a risk that the new partner will also cheat. Being cheated on by two consecutive partners seems like it would be more painful than multiple cheating by one partner.

 

Those sorts of feelings also lead to the BS to WS "conversion" that some people go through. They want the new relationship, but don't trust it, and their own cheating is a way of feeling less vulnerable and seizing control. I think there are many reasons why that happens so much

 

 

I've never thought of it that way nor heard anyone else put it that way but it does make some sense.

 

I have never been cheated on by my spouse (knock on wood) but I have had a few different serious girlfriends either cheat outright or dump me on a Monday and move in with their next within a couple weeks.

 

In one case one of the GFs did cheat again after reconciliation and I think you are right it does have a different effect.

 

My first serious GF cheated a couple different times over the course of several months and then just faded away a few months after the second reconciliation (which I regret doing in the first place now)

 

In that case I just chalked it up to me not being cool enough and her not having the giblets to end it appropriately.

 

After the next couple women did it, I chalked it up to that's just what women do. From then on whenever I was dating someone, I was just assuming that day would come.

 

- ( as a side bar note, I have never been outright cheated on by a woman over 21 'again knock on wood). That's a realization I have made only recently, I don't know if that has any relevance here or not).

 

In my following relationships, I do think it was a contributing factor in my behaviors. In following Rs, I don't think I was hyper vigilant and don't think I was overly suspicious or paranoid or controlling.

 

I was however quite reluctant to commit to exclusivity and I did stray a number of times as opportunities arose. I didn't label it as "cheating" at the time since I wasn't technically committed to exclusivity but the women I was involved with saw it quite differently.

 

Although it was not a conscious decision, I do think the history of being cheated on by different people made me much more likely to graze in other pastures myself. I don't think it was a matter of revenge or entitlement per se. It just made me less likely to invest myself and more likely to keep my options open and more likely to have back up plans on reserve.

 

It wasn't until my now I and I were getting serious did I make the choice to put all my eggs in one basket.

[peaksandvalleys]

There will be no serious future relationships. I might start dating again at some point but I will never commit to or trust anyone again on that level.

[oldshirt]

 

Anyway, I am trying to map out the rest of my life, what kind of relationships will work for me. What are people's experiences with how infidelity/betrayal with a past partner has changed their new relationships?

 

Now to answer your question on how it has effected my current relationship. I do not think it has made me suspicious or paranoid or controlling at all.

 

But what it has done is it has made me a realist and not an idealist.

My time here on the forums has also reinforced that.

 

I realize my wife may cheat some day. It may be years from now. It may be this afternoon. It may not ever actually happen but the framework is there. She is not immune from cheating and I am not immune from being cheated on. Nor I am immune from cheating myself nor she immune from it.

 

In some ways I think that is a good thing. I know if I sit on the couch and watch tv and eat Cheetos all day and neglect her needs, she will find some who meets them.....maybe a better way to word it is they will find her.

 

There for I work in good faith to meet her needs.

 

If I do my best to make a good home and marriage for her and she still strays then that is on her. But either way, I will never be one of these people that come on here in total shock and horror saying, "I never in a million years thought he/she could ever do something like that!"

 

....I know fully well she can.

[oldshirt]

There will be no serious future relationships. I might start dating again at some point but I will never commit to or trust anyone again on that level.

 

Never again on the level before it happened, but some day to an adequate level most likely.

[Mr. Lucky]

Those sorts of feelings also lead to the BS to WS "conversion" that some people go through. They want the new relationship, but don't trust it, and their own cheating is a way of feeling less vulnerable and seizing control. I think there are many reasons why that happens so frequently.

 

Intuitively, I'd think the opposite would be true. Having seen the resulting pain and devastation, I'd guess BS would be less likely than the general population to cheat in future relationships.

 

Not many people who have lost everything in a fire run out and become pyromaniacs...

 

Mr, Lucky

[merrmeade]

Whew. So much to chew on here - but I'm going to resist.

 

First of all, just damn. Look at all these good, well-meaning posters here. Truth. Love. Commitment. Working at relationships. There are Values in them there hills we call a long-term, committed monogamous relationship, and it's worth attempting reconciliation for the results. I believe it and I believe in the people who write about it. Just not sure I believe in myself and my own partner.

 

The caveats for me are huge and, perhaps, insurmountable: First, whether both partners are up to the task AFTER cheating has been taken off the table as an issue. That is, whether I have the strength and knowledge to help him re-program and he has the ability (or wish) to become a "present," loving partner. Not confident any more counselors can really make this happen. So that's one thing. The other problem is that the partner, the ex-WS, is forever the permanent, live-in Trigger. Not sure I can get over that one either.

Edited October 14, 2014 by merrmeade

[Striver]

Intuitively, I'd think the opposite would be true. Having seen the resulting pain and devastation, I'd guess BS would be less likely than the general population to cheat in future relationships.

 

Not many people who have lost everything in a fire run out and become pyromaniacs...

 

Mr, Lucky

 

The BS to WS probably comes from a disillusioned, "fidelity is for suckers" place. If the WS physically cheats on the BS, then leaves for an AP, with no-fault divorce it may seem as though WS is having all of the fun and BS has been played for a fool.

 

It would probably depend on the nature of the betrayal, and the source of the value system of the BS. With me, I think my values are external enough to the particulars of my marriage that I don't take my W's EA and departure from the marriage as too much of a reflection on me.

 

I think I'll probably want to love and be loved again, so there hopefully will be a LTR or marriage #2.

 

Someone else mentioned triggers, and I do think there are triggers from prior relationships that undermine later relationships. If the WS had certain behaviors, was critical of us in some way, and the new spouse does the same thing, the actions of the new spouse may trigger the belief that the new spouse will leave just like the WS did.

 

Most of us are aware of the high failure rate of second and subsequent marriages, and I do think triggers, burnout, and other unresolved issues from the first marriage play a part. A BS may be less trusting and patient in the second marriage, but the trust and patience in the first marriage wasn't the problem, the WS was the problem.

[Mr. Lucky]

Most of us are aware of the high failure rate of second and subsequent marriages, and I do think triggers, burnout, and other unresolved issues from the first marriage play a part.

 

Agree with this part. A BS likely to go WS down the road, don't think so. A BS likely to undermine future relationships through suspicion and paranoia, very possible...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

Trust will without a doubt be hard to come by, and will never again be given as unconditionally as before the betrayal. It does come when people show you that they're reliable, which takes years however - but as they say, "If love is true, it finds a way", just don't blow up and accuse her of having an affair when you notice she walks out to the mailman personally for her letters/packages etc.

[merrmeade]

Whew. So much to chew on here - but I'm going to resist.

 

First of all, just damn. Look at all these good, well-meaning posters here. Truth. Love. Commitment. Working at relationships. There are Values in them there hills we call a long-term, committed monogamous relationship, and it's worth attempting reconciliation for the results. I believe it and I believe in the people who write about it. Just not sure I believe in myself and my own partner.

 

The caveats for me are huge and, perhaps, insurmountable: First, whether both partners are up to the task AFTER cheating has been taken off the table as an issue. That is, whether I have the strength and knowledge to help him re-program and he has the ability (or wish) to become a "present," loving partner. Not confident any more counselors can really make this happen. So that's one thing. The other problem is that the partner, the ex-WS, is forever the permanent, live-in Trigger. Not sure I can get over that one either.

This was intended for another thread. Oh well...

[oldshirt]

Intuitively, I'd think the opposite would be true. Having seen the resulting pain and devastation, I'd guess BS would be less likely than the general population to cheat in future relationships.

 

Not many people who have lost everything in a fire run out and become pyromaniacs...

 

Mr, Lucky

 

I hope that is true for many people.

 

 

I can only speak for myself for when I was in my 20s and not married so I'm not sure of the relevance for married people. But in my case it made me less likely to commit, less emotionally invested and more likely to always have back up plans and keep my hand on the ejection handle.

 

In a way it was like losing at musical chairs and then making a vow that you were never going to be the one left standing again when the music stops.

[Raena]

There will be no serious future relationships. I might start dating again at some point but I will never commit to or trust anyone again on that level.

 

Don't give up hope just yet peaks.... you never know what the future will bring you.

 

I'm kind of feeling the same way myself though.... certainly a lot less hassle being single than ever having to worry about going through THAT kind of pain again.

 

I still don't think either one of us should just give up though. Give yourself time to heal and you may feel differently.

 

As for the OP's comments.... I have to say that I really don't think the pain would be any worse if the next guy cheats versus staying with someone who already cheated. That happened to me. He cheated once, we reconciled and he cheated again. Was I sort of expecting it to happen again? Yes, I was... BUT that doesn't change the fact that it still ripped my heart out when he did it again. I can't say it would be worse if it was the NEXT guy who did it, more likely it would hurt just as much. I think that if it happened with the next partner too, I'd probably stop looking for a committed relationship after that. I can, however, say that two different men I've spoken to or dated in the past year that I've been single did the "fade" on me (neither one was very serious although I was almost thinking the second one might become serious). I cried like a baby the first time. By the second time it happened, I just didn't really give a crap anymore... it cemented in my mind that I shouldn't be dating because I've just become numb. THAT hurt me... can you imagine if they had cheated too? I'd probably have lost my mind.

 

I just don't think it matters if you stay with a cheater and they cheat again or if you move on and get cheated on again. It hurts either way.

[DKT3]

Slightly off topic, because I really had no ill effects from the infidelity (emotionally) when I started a relationship after the divorce. I had tons of trouble sexually. The first woman I slept with after the affair I cried like a little girl. I felt dirty, it truly felt like I was cheating. Smae with the next and the one after that. In fact it always felt wrong being with any other woman sexually.

 

It got to the point I didn't enjoy sex at all. Then I turned to the ex and it was great again. Odd. It even had the therapist confused.

[Mr. Lucky]

Slightly off topic, because I really had no ill effects from the infidelity (emotionally) when I started a relationship after the divorce. I had tons of trouble sexually. The first woman I slept with after the affair I cried like a little girl. I felt dirty, it truly felt like I was cheating. Smae with the next and the one after that. In fact it always felt wrong being with any other woman sexually.

I can totally relate. Even though it was two years after my divorce before I dated and slept with anyone, I was hit with an overwhelming feeling post sex that I shouldn't be there doing that. It was so strong that I mumbled some excuse and left in the middle of the night. It took awhile to go away...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

First time being a BS -it was trust issues, self esteem issues that affected my next relationships. I felt bad about myself, and could not trust others. I had to find the right perfect 100% faithful partner with old fashioned values.

 

Second time - I gave up on trust in 100% faithful not hurting partners (as the oldshirt post explains it), and also expectations that being a good husband and man do anything to prevent affairs. Further that good love and good sex sexual desire often have no relationship to each other. Lastly that the only one that can improve my self esteem and happiness is me.

 

Its okay for me to be selfish sometimes to focus on my needs - and that includes occasional "couch sitting Cheetos eating" times for myself when my gal would like me to do something else. "Cheetos eating" being a Metaphor for indulging my own needs from time to time.

 

Put simply being a BS has affected my relationships going forward as follows ...$h!t happens, human beings are flawed, my view of me is what matters, give up on expectations and fears, keep some things to myself, sometimes I have to "just do me", sex is sex, and love is something else that few truly get.

 

I am not cynical or hard - but as mentioned elsewhere - just not idealistic anymore.

 

 

If only I was at this awareness as a young man, oh well, better late than never, Thanks WW's.

Edited October 15, 2014 by dichotomy