Wife is sending inappropriate messages on Facebook. What do I do?

[captmal]

I apologize in advance for any spellling errors or typos as I am rushing to get this typed.

 

Guess I will start from the beginning. My wife and I have been married for a little over 2 years and dated for about 3 years before that. We have a son that is about a year and a half.

 

The Situation: Our son sometimes has trouble falling asleep so we have to hold him while we sit in a chair in his room. I usually sing to him and sometimes will play on my phone (out of his line of sight) to help pass the time. I was on Facebook when I saw a article about people checking their significant other's Facebook and texts. It said that about 80% of people do it and 50% find evidence of infidelity. After my son fell asleep I went into our room and turned on the computer only to notice it was already on. My wife had never logged off of her user and had left Facebook up. I couldnt help but look through her messages. I felt so dirty and disgusting doing it. And then I found it. It was a message initiated by her to a guy she has known for a long time but hasnt seen him for at least 5 years.

 

I dont want to list too many details but here is a quick summary. She messaged him telling him she had a dream where she had sex with him. He responded asking for all kinds of details. She said she couldnt really remember but that it made her smile. They flirted for a while longer before she said goodbye. He had asked her for pictures (I am assuming dirty ones...). She didnt give him a definite answer. She also asked to see him and how long he would be in town. She talked about how she loved him for a long time (past tense). She had talked about him before but she made him out to be a pervert and that she never liked him.

 

Some background: I met my wife when I was 19 (young and stupid). I did cheat on her a couple times but came clean about a year before we got married. She had forgiven me and I have never even thought about cheating on her. She confessed that she had cheated on every boyfriend before me. When I asked her why she hasnt cheated on me, she said that she fell out of love with her boyfriends at the time or didnt feel a connection. I figured since she was going to marry me that those things wouldnt happen to me (I guess I was wrong). As far as our relationship, it has been tough finding time to spend together. Often when we do find time she is not interested. I have tried everything. I bought her flowers, cooked her dinner, cleaned the whole house, etc. Nothing seemed to make a dent. We went about 8 months with only havong sex twice. I thought things have been getting better. She has been paying more attention to me and we have been having more intamate sex.

 

Looking back on that now, maybe she was just trying to cover for her cheating. As of now, I have no evidemce she actually cheated or sent him any pictures. I dont know what to do. How should I confront her about it? Should I wait to see if she cheats? I feel the need to check her phone right now and probably will given the opportunity.

 

Please help.

[Space Ritual]

I apologize in advance for any spellling errors or typos as I am rushing to get this typed.

 

Guess I will start from the beginning. My wife and I have been married for a little over 2 years and dated for about 3 years before that. We have a son that is about a year and a half.

 

The Situation: Our son sometimes has trouble falling asleep so we have to hold him while we sit in a chair in his room. I usually sing to him and sometimes will play on my phone (out of his line of sight) to help pass the time. I was on Facebook when I saw a article about people checking their significant other's Facebook and texts. It said that about 80% of people do it and 50% find evidence of infidelity. After my son fell asleep I went into our room and turned on the computer only to notice it was already on. My wife had never logged off of her user and had left Facebook up. I couldnt help but look through her messages. I felt so dirty and disgusting doing it. And then I found it. It was a message initiated by her to a guy she has known for a long time but hasnt seen him for at least 5 years.

 

I dont want to list too many details but here is a quick summary. She messaged him telling him she had a dream where she had sex with him. He responded asking for all kinds of details. She said she couldnt really remember but that it made her smile. They flirted for a while longer before she said goodbye. He had asked her for pictures (I am assuming dirty ones...). She didnt give him a definite answer. She also asked to see him and how long he would be in town. She talked about how she loved him for a long time (past tense). She had talked about him before but she made him out to be a pervert and that she never liked him.

 

Some background: I met my wife when I was 19 (young and stupid). I did cheat on her a couple times but came clean about a year before we got married. She had forgiven me and I have never even thought about cheating on her. She confessed that she had cheated on every boyfriend before me. When I asked her why she hasnt cheated on me, she said that she fell out of love with her boyfriends at the time or didnt feel a connection. I figured since she was going to marry me that those things wouldnt happen to me (I guess I was wrong). As far as our relationship, it has been tough finding time to spend together. Often when we do find time she is not interested. I have tried everything. I bought her flowers, cooked her dinner, cleaned the whole house, etc. Nothing seemed to make a dent. We went about 8 months with only havong sex twice. I thought things have been getting better. She has been paying more attention to me and we have been having more intamate sex.

 

Looking back on that now, maybe she was just trying to cover for her cheating. As of now, I have no evidemce she actually cheated or sent him any pictures. I dont know what to do. How should I confront her about it? Should I wait to see if she cheats? I feel the need to check her phone right now and probably will given the opportunity.

 

Please help.

 

Ah the FB conundrum...unlike Twitter where we can only use 140 characters to try to convince people our lives are not mundane....(Sorry I have an aversion to both sites as people rise to their level of intellectual and emotional incompetence far too often.....as you are finding out when you found you Wife's messages).

 

Ok so you now have seen the proof.....do you still have it? Screenshots? Saved shots to a separate location for safe keeping?...

 

Obviously not what you want to hear, I know.

 

 

Given you have seen the proof You can ether sit back, install a keylogger on the computer and let her continue to hang herself (A smart but difficult undertaking especially if you are busting at the seams to confront).....Or you can confront with what you have already You have it saved?)

 

See the drawback about a confrontation without all your ducks in a row is that if you didn't save anything she will more than likely gaslight you beginning with "It's just an old friend I haven't seen in a long time and it was harmless flirting"...eventually to the "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You" counterattack.

 

Could perhaps she be looking for a revenge affair being you cheated on her before you were married?

 

 

If I were you I would go the keylogger route. If you didn't save or screenshot the convo somewhere she can easily delete it if you confront too soon, thus branding you as Crazy. I would also be looking at your Cell Phone Bills online if you pay the Cell Phone Bill, she may be in phone contact.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you but if you can muster the strength to go into Spy Mode for a couple of weeks you may be able to uncover way more than you imagined. I will say at the bare minimum she is commencing an EA and considering physically Cheating on you if the opportunity arises.

[captmal]

Thank you for reading all of that and responding. I did take take pictures of the coversation on my phone and backed it up to a safe location. I will try to find a keylogger. You are right, it isnt what I wanted to hear. I was holding off on confronting her mainly because I think she would pull the "he is just an old friend, you're crazy" defense. That and if I tell her, I am worried she will just get better at hiding that stuff. I dont think it is revenge at this point. I think she is just bored and has lost interest in our relationship.

[captmal]

Now that I think about it. Nearly all of the time she spends on Facebook is on her phone or on her iPad. I guess Ill have to just check her FB and phone manually...

[smackie9]

As a mature woman married for 24 years, you are going about this all wrong. Your wife has fallen on old habits, and is emotionally cheating on you. Yes emotional affairs is still cheating. You have the opportunity to stop it before it ruins your marriage. For a marriage to survive for the long haul, open and honest communication is needed. YOU need to take action NOW, and have a conversation with her about what you have discovered. Have a discussion about what has transpired between them and work through whatever issues that may have led her to this point of cheating. If you wait, you risk losing her.

 

Man up and deal with it. You are in a marriage not a high school relationship.

Edited July 13, 2014 by smackie9

[Space Ritual]

I think she is just bored and has lost interest in our relationship.

 

 

Yet instead of coming to her husband with her concerns she would much rather find it helpful to the marriage to reach out to an old friend and start a convo over a "sex dream"

 

 

If you have the convo saved as you do and feel comfortable now confronting then by all means go ahead. Just be prepared to follow through with any consequences you lay out.

[captmal]

I am going to confront her about it tonight. Im not sure how to bring it up, but Ill think of something....

[smackie9]

Just don't be confrontational, just express concern and say you are open to discuss it in a calm cool manner. Never get apprehensive, or angry....keep calm and talk.

 

To start just say "hun, I need to talk about something with you....I came across a conversation you had with ____ and it has made me feel _____. I don't find this appropriate for someone that is supposedly happily married. What's going on with you? Is there something I need to know?

[Timmos]

I discovered racy comments on my wife's FB about a week before her affair began. I was naive and stupid and let her convince me that they were all just a joke. If I had it to do over again, she would have packed her bags that night.

 

Crush this. Now. And DO. NOT. back down. You may have the chance to stop something before it actually starts. Tell her she needs to make a decision. Tonight.

[bubbaganoosh]

Just don't be confrontational, just express concern and say you are open to discuss it in a calm cool manner. Never get apprehensive, or angry....keep calm and talk.

 

To start just say "hun, I need to talk about something with you....I came across a conversation you had with ____ and it has made me feel _____. I don't find this appropriate for someone that is supposedly happily married. What's going on with you? Is there something I need to know?

 

 

I disagree. if your going to confront, then confront. I see your point if it's something less then cheating but in this case, you don't play patty cake with her.

 

IMO show her the text, ask her what the hell is going on and say it in a way that she knows that trying to make feeble excuses isn't going to fly. Just ask her who this guy is, why she's in contact with him and what's with the dream and telling him about it. Then find out if she sent pictures.

 

Now with that said, your going on a wing and a prayer with little that you have but IMO, you let her know that if you find out that there's more and she's not copping to it, then you'll give her all the problems she can handle and rather than having dreams about screwing the guy, she can pack her rags and go do it in person.

 

Honestly, I don't think you have enough to go on but I believe in nipping it in the bud before it flowers so.

[JS84]

I wouldn't confront so early, I'd gather more evidence to try to find out the true extent. The minute you confront, if she doesn't stop engaging in that type of behavior she's just going to try to hide it better than before.

[smackie9]

I disagree. if your going to confront, then confront. I see your point if it's something less then cheating but in this case, you don't play patty cake with her.

 

IMO show her the text, ask her what the hell is going on and say it in a way that she knows that trying to make feeble excuses isn't going to fly. Just ask her who this guy is, why she's in contact with him and what's with the dream and telling him about it. Then find out if she sent pictures.

 

Now with that said, your going on a wing and a prayer with little that you have but IMO, you let her know that if you find out that there's more and she's not copping to it, then you'll give her all the problems she can handle and rather than having dreams about screwing the guy, she can pack her rags and go do it in person.

 

Honestly, I don't think you have enough to go on but I believe in nipping it in the bud before it flowers so.

What I meant confront without being a jackass. The minute you get aggressive, they will shut down, lie or come up with excuses, a more fight or flight response is triggered. Discussing issues in a calm mature matter is key. They are more likely to not be afraid to open up. Nothing get accomplished when emotions are high.

[smackie9]

Honestly, I don't think you have enough to go on but I believe in nipping it in the bud before it flowers so.

I totally agree with this. Flirtations lead to emotional affairs, and emotional affairs lead to sex. Better to get this out in the open, considering her past behavior. Just because she tells you this marriage changed her ways, doesn't mean old habits won't return.

[captmal]

Thanks everyone. We are going to talk in about 5 minutes. Let you all know how it goes.

[Timmos]

What I meant confront without being a jackass. The minute you get aggressive, they will shut down, lie or come up with excuses, a more fight or flight response is triggered. Discussing issues in a calm mature matter is key. They are more likely to not be afraid to open up. Nothing get accomplished when emotions are high.

 

I went about it without being a jackass. I now regret that. She has even made the comment since then that she wishes I HAD been far more aggressive.

[atreides]

I went about it without being a jackass. I now regret that. She has even made the comment since then that she wishes I HAD been far more aggressive.

 

Yea i agree, in being witness to too much infidelity, being a jackass paid off more than not.

[smackie9]

I went about it without being a jackass. I now regret that. She has even made the comment since then that she wishes I HAD been far more aggressive.

 

If she wishes you were more aggressive speaks volumes on how you carry yourself as a person.

[smackie9]

IMO if it comes down to you having to being an ******* about it, the relationship should be terminated anyways......save your breath and just leave.

[AmyBamy]

I don't understand being in a relationship and snooping and then trying to demand the other person to do something or stop doing something. The convo you explained sounds pretty mundane really, is it worth some odd ultimatum? I mean, you were snooping, betraying her trust - you are breaking "rules" here too. If you feel the need to snoop and spy on your spouse, there are MUCH bigger issues in the relationship than some little flirting she did with a guy over a social medium. If I was you, I would address THOSE issues - since this convo doesn't really seem like an issue.

 

And, you share that you cheated on her before. This relationship sounds rocky at best. And trying to tell another adult how to behave usually only brings you disappointment and heartache. People have to do what they want to do - if that is betray you, there really isn't much you can do about it. You can't control her, or her conversations.

 

Honestly, I'm sad for your child. It sounds like you both are dishonest with one another and got married and pregnant anyway. And now, you want the relationship to be something it never was anyway. Unrealistic expectations imo. I really do wish you luck, but it sounds pretty hopeless to me with all the lying and snooping and cheating. Why did you get married anyway? (not trying to be mean, I just do not understand why people marry in these type of relationships and then spend years being unhappy, bringing children into it, and then waxing regretful that it's not the relationship they want it to be but the one they always had - not like it's a surprise considering you both cheat)

[Friskyone4u]

There are no good choices here. If you are confronting her now without first deciding what you want to happen she will gaslight you and she will also be warned that you are watching her and will be more secretive and harder to catch.

If you confront you have to tell her that there will be no marriage with three people in it and you do not give a **** who this guy is all contact stops immediately, she blocks him on all social media, and send NC communication that you see telling him you are aware or their inappropriate conversations and it is stopping.

The consequences for her refusing to do this are that you see an attorney at once.

You can choose to keep snooping but the longer you have this to on the harder it will be to stop.

If you are not prepared to have her have consequences, including total transparency of social media, then it does not matter what you do, she will continue on to PA with this guy or someone else

[captmal]

Confronted her about it. I made it clear that if she wasnt interested then we should not be together. She said he is just an old friend she hasnt seen since high school. She agreed that the conversation was very inappropriate and said she would remove him as a friend from Facebook. She said she doesnt have his phone number. She said that she would never cheat on me. I told her if I see something like this again, that it would be over. I would rather get a divorce than be cheated on.

 

I am still worried about it. Hoping that I will stop worrying about it over time. What do you think of her responses? I kind of saw the "he is just an old friend" thing coming.

[captmal]

That was the first time I had ever "snooped" in the last 5+ years we have been together. She doesnt have a password on any of her stuff so I could have done it many times before. I havent even thought of cheating on her since I came clean. Like I saud, I was young and stupid.

 

I don't understand being in a relationship and snooping and then trying to demand the other person to do something or stop doing something. The convo you explained sounds pretty mundane really, is it worth some odd ultimatum? I mean, you were snooping, betraying her trust - you are breaking "rules" here too. If you feel the need to snoop and spy on your spouse, there are MUCH bigger issues in the relationship than some little flirting she did with a guy over a social medium. If I was you, I would address THOSE issues - since this convo doesn't really seem like an issue.

 

And, you share that you cheated on her before. This relationship sounds rocky at best. And trying to tell another adult how to behave usually only brings you disappointment and heartache. People have to do what they want to do - if that is betray you, there really isn't much you can do about it. You can't control her, or her conversations.

 

Honestly, I'm sad for your child. It sounds like you both are dishonest with one another and got married and pregnant anyway. And now, you want the relationship to be something it never was anyway. Unrealistic expectations imo. I really do wish you luck, but it sounds pretty hopeless to me with all the lying and snooping and cheating. Why did you get married anyway? (not trying to be mean, I just do not understand why people marry in these type of relationships and then spend years being unhappy, bringing children into it, and then waxing regretful that it's not the relationship they want it to be but the one they always had - not like it's a surprise considering you both cheat)

[JS84]

She said that she would never cheat on me. I told her if I see something like this again, that it would be over. I would rather get a divorce than be cheated on.

 

Now realize that since you gave that ultimatum you'll have to follow through on it. Because if this does happen again, which there's a good possibility it will, and you DON'T follow through with it your problem is going to go from bad to much worse.

[atreides]

Confronted her about it. I made it clear that if she wasnt interested then we should not be together. She said he is just an old friend she hasnt seen since high school. She agreed that the conversation was very inappropriate and said she would remove him as a friend from Facebook. She said she doesnt have his phone number. She said that she would never cheat on me. I told her if I see something like this again, that it would be over. I would rather get a divorce than be cheated on.

 

I am still worried about it. Hoping that I will stop worrying about it over time. What do you think of her responses? I kind of saw the "he is just an old friend" thing coming.

 

you were gaslighted, be firm and make her be transparent, phone email the works.

[TobyBoy]

How old were the messages? Did she's meet him when was in town? What did she say about "being in love with him for long time"?