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Affect my affair had/has on my family....vent


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I have been in IC pretty much since I ended my affair over 7 years ago. Twice a week then once a week down to once a month now. Many of my sessions have covered fear of being divorced, then being divorced and letting go of DKT so I could move on with my life.

 

Lately my sessions have been about what damage my A had/has on my family. Last month we talked about DKT. My affair changed him, gone was that fun loving guy who gave everyone the benefit of doubt. That man who was always positive and could lift you when you were down. Replaced by a much colder, far less trusting man who questions everyones motives. I did that to him and I'm so sorry.

 

What happened after my last session Wednesday just broke my heart. We talked about the affects on my kids. Of course the normal ones popped in my head. Split home, not being with both parents full time. My therapist said, every action, every word plays a role in who our kids become. As parents we often make the mistake of thinking they don't understand or are simply too young to remember or have it effect them long term. She then suggested I have a talk with DS 13 about what he thought about marriage and women.

 

So later that night I had that conversation with him. First question was what do you think of marriage? He shrugged (something that his dad hates for him to do). I told him to answer with words.

 

Ds "I don't know"

 

Me "you don't have any thoughts about marriage"

 

Ds "I guess, I'm never getting married"

 

Me "oh, you will find a girl and fall in love someday"

 

Ds "no, I never going to fall in love"

 

Me "why would you think that?"

 

Ds "because I don't want to get divorced or get cheated on"

 

I just sit there for a few seconds, knowing I was about to cry I left his room. What have I done? I had no idea he felt this way. I understood for as much as we tried to protect them from my affair and why we divorces, they would figure it out, or maybe knew more then we thought.

 

DKT doesn't think I should blame myself, saying that he didn't want to get married at 13 either. I just can't help feeling its more then that. Maybe he doesn't trust women.

 

I have to get him to a therapist. I'm so broken over this.

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Ds is 13, i too agree at this point, but life is risky too, he will learn that and learn to weigh risk vs reward.

 

That said, my father-in-law cheated on my mother-in-law almost the whole marriage of 15 years.

 

They had 4 kids, I am married to their oldest daughter. Of the 4, the two daughters 1 being my wife are still married, with kids. The two older brothers, 1 is divorced having 2 kids and remarried with 2 kids but happy. The oldest brother will never marry, he is afraid of becoming like his father. He is in his late 40's now.

 

My mother-in-law never remarried and raised all 4 kids by herself in a foreign country where my F-I-L abandoned them and left for the United States. My wife eventually came here too, that is how we met and the younger of the two brothers lives here too.

 

Your post reminded me of my oldest brother-in-law but as for you, I would not project your fears on Ds but continue to heal and work with DKT in parenting and the rest should fall into place.

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Speakingofwhich

I'm sorry you and your son have experienced this, lovinDKT3. However, your son can benefit from all that's happened in spite of his sorrow and confusion as he sees you and his father working hard to get through this and to put things back together.

 

Our children will experience some type of adversity in their lives. There's nothing we can do to protect them from it. And while, no, I wouldn't suggest a child going through this type of experience to learn how to deal with adversity, it still can have positive aspects to it as he observes how the two of you deal with it.

 

That you are going through it, not running from it, is a positive example. That you are talking through things with him is teaching him the importance of communicating his emotions even when they aren't positive ones. And that he is allowed to have opinions of his own without feeling judged.

 

Your family is getting through this and can rise above it!

 

Keep your head held high and continue to work hard at restoration and you are modeling for your children how to get through the inevitable tough times in life!

 

Are you expecting a third child? Seems I read one of DKT3's posts that had that information in it.

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I'm sorry you and your son have experienced this, lovinDKT3. However, your son can benefit from all that's happened in spite of his sorrow and confusion as he sees you and his father working hard to get through this and to put things back together.

 

Our children will experience some type of adversity in their lives. There's nothing we can do to protect them from it. And while, no, I wouldn't suggest a child going through this type of experience to learn how to deal with adversity, it still can have positive aspects to it as he observes how the two of you deal with it.

 

That you are going through it, not running from it, is a positive example. That you are talking through things with him is teaching him the importance of communicating his emotions even when they aren't positive ones. And that he is allowed to have opinions of his own without feeling judged.

 

Your family is getting through this and can rise above it!

 

Keep your head held high and continue to work hard at restoration and you are modeling for your children how to get through the inevitable tough times in life!

 

Are you expecting a third child? Seems I read one of DKT3's posts that had that information in it.

 

Protect them yes, that isn't what I did. I risked it all and lost most. I'm not suppose to be the source of adversity. I know I can't stay down from this. I have to get up and keep moving. But knowing what I've done to DKT and DS is hard to accept. Not to mention all the times that DD 9 cried for her daddy.

 

Alast a ray of light. Yes we are expecting number 3. Due in feb. Working on names. DKT says it has to be an I name, because of his freaking tattoo. Its takes up the left side of his chest DKT is the first letter of each our names me, ds, dd. Only has room for an I, so its looking like Isaac, Isaiah or Isabella, Inari. Not in love with any of them. Thanks for asking.

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First I'm sorry your son has assigned this meaning to love and marriage. The counselor (who sounds good) can help him to unlearn the meaning he's assigned to love. It takes work and practice but he's still young enough to remold his thought processes.

 

And the baby name - name the child what you want - a tattoo should not dictate a child's name.

 

You two are practicing changing - this is a time to show evidence of being flexible. Any name can be added to a tattoo - it shouldn't HAVE to start with an I. If the tattoo dictates the name - that is just sad. The name should represent the child and the love.

 

In fact - it's a NEW beginning - a NEW tattoo can represent the new child.

 

Be flexible. Find new ways to overcome the obstacles thrown in your path. It can be fun to see how you two start fresh.

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Be sure and tell your son about all the good things of your marriage.

 

I keep looking at the kids and now grandkids.

 

Have his grandparents also get involved and tell him about the wonderful part of marriage.

 

Have had some pain in life, but one of the joys is the grandkids. And sometimes it is easier to have a little distance where I can tell or share things with grandkids and less of a fight and willing to listen rather than listening to one of my daughters. (their Mom)

 

Good luck to you and DTK and the family.

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First I'm sorry your son has assigned this meaning to love and marriage. The counselor (who sounds good) can help him to unlearn the meaning he's assigned to love. It takes work and practice but he's still young enough to remold his thought processes.

 

And the baby name - name the child what you want - a tattoo should not dictate a child's name.

 

You two are practicing changing - this is a time to show evidence of being flexible. Any name can be added to a tattoo - it shouldn't HAVE to start with an I. If the tattoo dictates the name - that is just sad. The name should represent the child and the love.

 

In fact - it's a NEW beginning - a NEW tattoo can represent the new child.

 

Be flexible. Find new ways to overcome the obstacles thrown in your path. It can be fun to see how you two start fresh.

 

Our relationship has grown, its really going great. The communication is outstanding, I no longer fear sharing my raw feelings and emotions with him. He no longer shuts down.

 

Our foundation is strong, now we have to build.

 

As for the baby name, well its kinda his turn. He was suppose to name DD but he got over ruled. I will give him this one.

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I don't think protecting kids from the reality of life is the solution. I do think teaching them to keep the mind open and feel all the beauty that life brings is useful.

 

It may be helpful for him to learn that with every action there is a reaction. It doesn't mean there isn't love - it means we all make errors - those errors have consequences.

 

He is experiencing the consequence of your actions - that's a life lesson he can learn.

 

Making errors doesn't mean it ends things - or that the love is gone. It may mean that a detour was taken to get back on path, but you can openly explain to him about what happened, and what you've been doing to earn trust back. And that your love is still there despite the history and how you participated.

 

You can also lead by example on how to repair damage when you cause it. This is important for kids to learn. Apologize to your son, admit what you did in error, and explain to him how and what you are doing to change things.

 

He can learn from you. Don't lose the opportunity to teach him that love is a multifaceted gem. His ideas about love and marriage can still be affected if you can get the communication opened up and hopefully his mind and heart will open up too.

 

You can also explain that a healthy reaction by his Dad was in action. That when a spouse isn't getting the truth and honor they deserve that it's healthy to know when to stop participating. That it doesn't mean you stop loving - it's just that having self respect should be top on the list of priorities for self.

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Speakingofwhich
Protect them yes, that isn't what I did. I risked it all and lost most. I'm not suppose to be the source of adversity. I know I can't stay down from this. I have to get up and keep moving. But knowing what I've done to DKT and DS is hard to accept. Not to mention all the times that DD 9 cried for her daddy.

 

Alast a ray of light. Yes we are expecting number 3. Due in feb. Working on names. DKT says it has to be an I name, because of his freaking tattoo. Its takes up the left side of his chest DKT is the first letter of each our names me, ds, dd. Only has room for an I, so its looking like Isaac, Isaiah or Isabella, Inari. Not in love with any of them. Thanks for asking.

 

 

What's done is done and in the past, LDKT3! All that you're doing now is helpful. Keep your eyes on the future, not on a small part of the past. Work on forgiving yourself and enjoying your family!

 

How wonderful and exciting that you're adding a little one to your family in February!

 

Re: names, how about Isla (like island without the nd), a beautiful name for a little girl. Isaac and Isaiah both sound great for boys! And Isabella is also a wonderful name! Have also heard the name Ivy for a little girl recently.

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What's done is done and in the past, LDKT3! All that you're doing now is helpful. Keep your eyes on the future, not on a small part of the past. Work on forgiving yourself and enjoying your family!

 

How wonderful and exciting that you're adding a little one to your family in February!

 

Re: names, how about Isla (like island without the nd), a beautiful name for a little girl. Isaac and Isaiah both sound great for boys! And Isabella is also a wonderful name! Have also heard the name Ivy for a little girl recently.

 

It doesn't really feel like the past, dealing with new fallouts. DS is so much like his dad, emotional shut downs and all. Its just a major set back and I'm feeling sorry for myself. I know I have to dust myself off. DKT is being so sweet about it all. He plans on having a boys day and will talk to DS about the situation.

 

 

Isla was one of the names, we cut it along with Idori and Isis. DKT likes Isis. NO WAY, that's not going to happen. I will give him this one, within reason.

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compulsivedancer
What's done is done and in the past, LDKT3! All that you're doing now is helpful. Keep your eyes on the future, not on a small part of the past. Work on forgiving yourself and enjoying your family!

 

How wonderful and exciting that you're adding a little one to your family in February!

 

Re: names, how about Isla (like island without the nd), a beautiful name for a little girl. Isaac and Isaiah both sound great for boys! And Isabella is also a wonderful name! Have also heard the name Ivy for a little girl recently.

Isis and Iris would both be nice. Both would follow current naming trends.

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Not trying to jack the thread, but CD I really hope to hear you and CM make that same kind of announcement someday soon. ;)

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gettingstronger

We are going through something similar. My younger boy is showing the effects of our situation. I try to tell my husband the same things people on here are telling you. He doesn't buy it. He feels like no matter what spin I try to put on it, he damaged our kids and for that he probably will never forgive himself. He will learn to live with it, but find a silver lining, he says there isn't one. I'm not him so I have no idea what that burden is like, but I do know it's his to bear. I try to minimize it but I can't. He feels what he feels and there's not much I can do or say to change it.

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Hope Shimmers

I don't have anything insightful to say except to congratulate you!

 

DKT3 cannot name that child Isis. No, DKT... I won't let you. How about a very narrow J - would that fit? Lots of great J names. :)

 

Seriously - congrats to both of you!

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compulsivedancer
Not trying to jack the thread, but CD I really hope to hear you and CM make that same kind of announcement someday soon. ;)

 

Thanks. I think we still have a little ways to go before we get there.

 

Edited to add: Thummper, H says we can do that if you want to pay for it. :D

 

Lovin' I read recently that having fights in front of kids (as long as no lines are crossed) is only damaging if the kids don't get to see the parents resolve the fight. Obviously an affair is not the same thing, but having your kids get to see you work through the aftermath and build a healthy relationship will hopefully be a good healing process for them, and help restore some of your oldest's faith in love and marriage.

 

A big congratulations, btw! I hope the new baby is good news for you.

Edited by compulsivedancer
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Couple of thoughts.

 

First off...I wouldn't worry too much about the 13 year old's response to your questions.

 

Frankly...can't blame him for feeling "off" on the subject of marriage right now.

 

That doesn't mean he's going to feel that way in another 5-10 years when that becomes a possiblity. Especially not if he sees you and DKT3 working through the issues of co-parenting, etc... How he feels today is NOT likely to be how he feels tomorrow.

 

He'll come to realize that relationships do mean risk, but also have rewards. And, even the end of a relationship doesn't mean the end of the world.

 

He's young. Use the remaining time you have with him to give him an example on how to move forward in a positive direction.

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There is a lot of good stuff here guys, thank you all for picking me up abit. That name WILBUR made me laugh. Thanks for that.

 

I'm just sitting here alone in my shop not working although I have tons to do. DKT got me food YEAH. An excuse to eat cake. But my mind just keeps going back to the damage, I know he is only 13 and his views will change, its just that hearing it and how down he seemed really hurts. Know that he had a much better understanding of what was going on, how scared and alone he must have felt. I know I need to work on forgiving myself. I've done a lot of really good things, and fixing me was first on the list. Now I have to aid my family in healing.

 

BABY: could be a boy. Seems like everyone jumped abroad the girl express. We will be suprised. Don't want to know.

 

CD, it was a shock, honestly it wasn't an ideal time. But I'm sooo excited. Except for the fact that, well not looking forward to the 3am stuff.

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ConfusedMarriedOW

You are not going to like this perhaps because you and I have disagreed in the past and I have with your husband as well. But I have asked him this and I will ask you this. After SEVEN YEARS when will you finally be allowed to fall out of this cycle of you blaming yourself and and DK3 blaming you too?

 

Fine he had a huge blow, you feel regret, he seems less happy go lucky after the affair, but there needs to be a point where he takes responsibility to move on from this and find his own happiness again. It is obvious you feel terrible. You have paid 7 years penance, how long until you finally set free from this guilt jail cell?

 

 

I worry your counselor isn't doing enough for you if they allow you to remain in this torturous place for so long.

 

I wouldn't take anything too seriously what a youngin thinks, everything looks bleak in the early stages of life, I would likely say the same. I come from a broken home, but usually people get married

Edited by ConfusedMarriedOW
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compulsivedancer
BABY: could be a boy. Seems like everyone jumped abroad the girl express. We will be suprised. Don't want to know.

 

Isaac, Isaiah or Ishmael - he could go by Izzy.

 

I like Icarus, but the kids would probably call him Icky.

 

Indigo, Idris, Ilias

 

I like the J idea, just skip Jayden - it's overdone.

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After SEVEN YEARS when will you finally be allowed to fall out of this cycle of you blaming yourself and and DK3 blaming you too?

 

Fine he had a huge blow, you feel regret, he seems less happy go lucky after the affair, but there needs to be a point where he takes responsibility to move on from this and find his own happiness again. It is obvious you feel terrible. You have paid 7 years penance, how long until you finally set free from this guilt jail cell?

 

Some people never really heal from this. It really depends on the person and the level of damage. Since kids are involved he could not just walk away permanently. Had there not been children involved he might have healed differently but I bet the constant reminder of his family being destroyed is right in front of him all the time. I do have to give her a lot of credit she seems to be more decent of a WS than most I have ever seen on this site. She is at least owning her mistakes and trying her best to address them.

 

I worry your counselor isn't doing enough for you if they allow you to remain in this torturous place for so long.

 

Sadly I think you might be right. Time is generally our best friend in these cases and after seven years it doesn't sound good.

 

I do hope for the best for Lovin and DTK. I know its been a hard road but if you keep working on it maybe someday you can have your family back.

 

Clay

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bubbaganoosh
Isaac, Isaiah or Ishmael - he could go by Izzy.

 

I like Icarus, but the kids would probably call him Icky.

 

Indigo, Idris, Ilias

 

I like the J idea, just skip Jayden - it's overdone.

 

Still think he name should be Wilbur.

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I agree he is 13 so..it's hard to say what he truly believes about marriage. I will tell you though, I never had thoughts like that around that age. By this I mean, I didn't think much about marriage, but if you asked me if I wanted to get married I can't imagine saying "no because I don't want to get cheated on". That..well, yeah, probably a part of that IS from what happened. It's hard to see how it couldn't be.

 

To be honest I do NOT think you should jump right into "he needs a therapist". I don't know if it is that bad yet. Think about it, your affair was 7 years ago and he is 13. Even if before he understood what happened, it will of only been recently as he begins to get into girls, etc. that he actually understands the *impact* of things. So for the time being I wouldn't send him to a therapist yet. I honestly wouldn't even press the issue with him much. I really wouldn't want to talk to my mother, who had an affair..about marriage and cheating and stuff, I'd feel extremely uncomfortable.

 

The only good thing is maybe others will see this thread and see the huge effect cheating can have..and hopefully it will help people see cheating is never the answer.

 

What's done is done and in the past, LDKT3!

 

I have to disagree with this overall mentality. I would find it a naive approach to see things like this. It is true enough that yes, the affair did happen 7 years ago. However, I think LDKT3 is right in that..it is going to feel like it isn't part of the past, and that is because in a lot of ways it isn't..in a lot of ways it will be a part of the present, at least for a while. She is in therapy and talking about the affair, etc. and of course it's not going to seem like it is WAY in the past.

 

She is also getting back together with the guy she cheated on, which obviously..it would be understandable that the affair would be on both their minds. We should be mindful of the past, lest we are doomed to repeat it.

 

Keep your eyes on the future, not on a small part of the past.

 

Okay now wait, hold on here. I don't think the husband would view the affair as a mere "small" part of the past. Look, they have decided to get back together. I get it, I gave my opinions before on that I wouldn't of, but that isn't what this is about. I can see Lovin is trying, but I also don't think it would be good for her to take on the attitude you seem to have. This was a significant thing that happened, how could it not be, for both of them?

 

I don't want people to see this and thinking I'm merely just trying to keep bringing up how bad what happened was..I'm not, but rather I don't think it helps anyone to minimize it.

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You are not going to like this perhaps because you and I have disagreed in the past and I have with your husband as well. But I have asked him this and I will ask you this. After SEVEN YEARS when will you finally be allowed to fall out of this cycle of you blaming yourself and and DK3 blaming you too?

 

Here is an example of the exact attitude she shouldn't have. You do realize sometimes these things never heal, right? You do realize that they spent a lot of those 7 years apart, and only now are truly reconnecting, which is going to make the whole damn thing sort of like it wasn't THAT long ago?

 

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying keep torturing herself and blaming herself forever. But you kind of need to realize this is all going to seem somewhat fresh again given the time apart and then getting back together.

 

Fine he had a huge blow, you feel regret, he seems less happy go lucky after the affair, but there needs to be a point where he takes responsibility to move on from this and find his own happiness again.

 

It's lovely you feel it is so easy to just find happiness again after this. Of course the guy seems less happy go lucky and he probably won't ever seem the same again to Lovin. He is forever changed from this, that is just the way these things go.

 

For instance, Lovin should never ever say anything to her husband like what you just said, since it essentially boiled down to "just get over it already". Granted, I don't think she'd actually say that.

 

It is obvious you feel terrible. You have paid 7 years penance, how long until you finally set free from this guilt jail cell?

 

Oh please, have you read their topics? She didn't pay 7 years penance, they spent most of these last 7 years apart. That..isn't really a penance of any merit. I'm not saying she should keep feeling horrible, but just the way you seem to say things is all wrong. 7 years penance is a bit dramatic.

 

I worry your counselor isn't doing enough for you if they allow you to remain in this torturous place for so long.

 

This makes no sense and is the silliest thing you've said. The counselor isn't doing enough, but..I'm assuming Lovin hasn't been in IC prior to this..and hasn't gone over these issues before. So..WHY is it wrong for her to go over these? The counselor isn't trying to torture her, it seems like they are trying to allow her to understand the impact her actions had, and to deal with them, etc.

 

I would agree with you if Lovin had been seeing this therapist for the past 7 friggin years, but I find it hard to believe she has given I figured the subjects they are covering would of been covered LONG ago so I can only conclude therapy is relatively recent compared to how long ago the affair happened.

 

That is the thing I don't think you ever take into account while going on and on about 7 year penances and all that: because of circumstances with them being apart most of these last 7 years and now getting back together and her also in therapy, it is shocking to me anyone would be shocked that these feelings are surfacing, even 7 years later.

 

Lovin, don't let people think your therapy is wrong. I highly doubt your therapist wants to torture you.

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