Second meeting with the relationship counsellor

[Sheba]

The saga of my woes continues. It is very late at night and I must get up and work in 2 hours. I can't sleep for the anxiety.

 

Today, my partner and I met again with the relationship counsellor to discuss my concerns about his "flirtation" with a woman we both work with. This meeting was more satisfactory than the last, as I did not feel my concerns were dismissed by the counsellor. In fact, he proposed that my partner and I try to discuss my concerns on the basis that I would describe my observations and propose ways that my concerns could be addressed by my partner.

 

The counsellor clearly expects my partner to agree to make some changes to his behaviour, based on his remarks. This expectation was obviously a surprise to my partner, who seems to believe that he should be able to simply "deny" things and that my fears will be immediately dismissed. He made a joke to the counsellor "Gee, I thought I would bring her in here and you would slap her around and tell her I was right and we would be done".

 

My prediction is that my partner will soon want to stop seeing this counsellor, though we did set up another appointment for next week. I also have an appointment with my partner to discuss my concerns and how he will address them, for this weekend.

 

The "appointment" with my partner is expected to be so bad we had to struggle to think of a way to try to get the kids out of the house during the conversation. Out of the question to have it in a public place or upstairs while the kids are here. His temper gets way out of control each time I have tried to discuss this issue and I absolutely panic. Every time, I hope for just a conversation and every time, to my shock, it turns into a fight. Seems to me there is almost a guarantee that this conversation will turn into another horrible battle. I am not motivated at all to organize it.

 

Even though I take heart in the fact he has gone with me to the counsellor twice, and that he says he will listen to me this weekend, this is all so painful and stressful I feel as if I want to give up. I feel like this relationship is suffering a slow, painful death and I should just kill it, to get it over with quickly. Mercy killing, you might call it. Euthanasia. Too bad I am in love.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry to hear that Sheba, I can feel how much you're hurting right now.

 

It's obvious the therapist called your husband on his stuff, saw through his BS and now he's ticked off. I'm glad though that he is willing to talk this weekend with you. But he is really listening??

 

Give it some more time but honestly baby, if he continues with this 'I'm doing nothing wrong' attitude maybe mention to him it's time for him to find another place to stay. That might just scare him enough to really realize what he's about to lose.

 

Get a babysitter or a family member to look after your children and take them to a park or a movie.

 

Good luck this weekend and we're here for you!

[Butchey]

What does flirtation mean? Is he joking and talking or something more like physical?

 

He is in denial. You need to set boundries and take care of yourself. The fact that you have gone to counciling together is a good sign. He will see the problem sooner or later but in his own time. If you continue to go to counciling with or without him you will get better.

 

Stick with it. It will get better. Don't do anything rash, just continue on the course. You are moving in the right direction but it won't be fixed in two sessions. You have been hurt and you need healing.

[Sheba]

We had our "discussion". It was hardly that. I was stressed all day.

 

I wrote him a letter, telling him he did not need to "admit" anything, just to stop doing certain things. I was very careful in writing that letter, not to be accusatory.

 

He agrees that he will "try", says he might forget because the things he does are so meaningless, but that he will try.

 

I continue to hope this all works out.

[netrie]

Originally posted by Sheba

The saga of my woes continues. It is very late at night and I must get up and work in 2 hours. I can't sleep for the anxiety... I feel like this relationship is suffering a slow, painful death and I should just kill it, to get it over with quickly. Mercy killing, you might call it. Euthanasia. Too bad I am in love.

 

NO CONTACT RULE in order to sort out your perspective... No email either. No phone calls. ZERO contact until you are clear on things and then contact him. No relationship counselor can help yet until you are clear. Change your phone number; distract yourself and GET BALANCED.

 

After you are grounded in a month or more then you can contact your partner but at this point the focus should be on your own sanity.

 

What happens in between all of those weeks away is irrelevant to a certain point (did he have sex with someone type of thing but used a condom?). Hopefully he uses a condom and you too...

 

But do the no contact rule right away...