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Should I tell my husband about my affair?


Joyce

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I have had an affair on my husband. I know my excuses are in excusable. It was with my neighbor who my husband knows very well. My affair was not about sex it was about having someone there to love and support me. I married into a family. I became an instant mom and my husband changed careers and I pretty much became a single mom. I was lonely and my neighbor ended up being the only one there. I fell in love with him. I wanted to spend my life with him. I thought he was my soul mate.

 

Well needless to say the stress of having an affair scared my neighbor away and he moved on very quickly. It hurt but in the end I know my actions were wrong in the first place and I got what I deserved.

 

I wanted to tell my husband about the affair because I could not live with myself knowing what I did. My neighbor said that is a bad idea and we would just end up hurting people. He said what they don't know won't hurt them. I am scared and feel very lonely. I know I should have been worried about hurting my husband before I made the choices I did but I didn't and know I am stuck. I have been very selfish. I have learned a lot from this and I will never do this again. So far I have stayed in my marraige because of the kids. I am the only mom they know. My husband and I are working on our issues and he is changing careers to be home more. I don't know if our marraige will last or not but shouldn't my husband know that he is married to a terrible person?

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I think before you say anything you need to figure out why EXACTLY you did this. Just because your husband isn't always around when you want/need him? My gosh - I think if this is true, you need to look into who you are and get yourself help and make yourself happy. Go to counseling and get to the bottom of your issues. It's not your husbands fault that he's trying to provide for his family. You were wrong to go outside the relationship for something you weren't getting within. You should have communicated with your H.

 

What's done is done. First you need to get counseling, then tell your husband the whole truth, and if he wishes to remain married, then get couples counseling. Your not a "terrible person" as we all are only human and we all make mistakes. It's how and what your learn from those mistakes that can make all the difference.

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Hello,

 

You are not a terrible person but you did engage in terrible actions whereby you betrayed your husband and put his health at risk. For your marriage to succeed you need to have honesty in your relationship with your husband. Will he be hurt? Of course he will but hopefully it will be a step in regaining honesty and recovery in your marriage. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know?

Your OM does not what to have you tell because he does not wish to suffer from the consequences of his actions. He used you and then has moved on to probably continue these type of actions with others.

Hopefully you will be honest with your husband and then go into marriage counseling. The bottom line is that if you do not have truth and honesty in your marriage then you really have nothing and are indeed continuing to disrespect and humiliate your husband. You are asking is it better to be truthful or continue to be untruthful. I think you down deep know what the correct answer is and that is to be truthful. I wish you luck.

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Yes you need to tell him, but you also have to tell him why. Once he gets over the initial anger, shock, etc.. Then talk about counseling. It's going to come out one way or another. Also, please check my link in my signature. It will help you out.

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DazednConfused

Hi Joyce,

 

I'm sorry that you had to find this board, but I am happy that you are here. Welcome.

 

Should you tell your husband? Yes. He deserves to know, and he will find out one way or another. Better that it comes from you than being humiliated by a near-stranger.

 

"What they don't know won't hurt them" I think this is a truly ignorant and silly saying. The fact is, he is hurting already. Someplace in his sub-conscious, he knows that things are not right, and that there is a new dynamic to his dealings with you. I am sure that he suspects what you have done, but is unwilling to face it, so goes on feeling faint stirrings in his gut, and being mostly miserable about it.

 

You feel tremendous guilt. And you should. Do not be naive and believe that you are hiding it that well 24/7. Your feelings affect every aspect of your life with your husband and your children. They are more perceptive than you think. They don't know the cause, but they do know something is up with mom.

 

I am happy to hear that he is changing jobs, and so can spend more time with his family; this is a step in the right direction. In order to repair the damage however, he MUST know the whole extent of it.

 

From a man who has been cheated on, your only real chance is to come clean, and enthusiastically try to prove to him your love.

 

I wish you luck!

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Once again

Max agrees with Mr. Spock. The rule is never tell. Even if they have pictures. It wasn't you.

 

And Mr. Spock? Max would be in love with you if you didn't have that whole alien lookin' thing going on. :D

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"What's done is done. First you need to get counseling, then tell your husband the whole truth, and if he wishes to remain married, then get couples counseling. Your not a "terrible person" as we all are only human and we all make mistakes. It's how and what your learn from those mistakes that can make all the difference."

 

Ditto. You need to work out your issues. When you are in a better state emotionally you can tell him. You are not a terrible person, you need to realize that.

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She's Come Undone
Originally posted by Breathe

I think before you say anything you need to figure out why EXACTLY you did this. Just because your husband isn't always around when you want/need him? My gosh - I think if this is true, you need to look into who you are and get yourself help and make yourself happy. Go to counseling and get to the bottom of your issues. It's not your husbands fault that he's trying to provide for his family. You were wrong to go outside the relationship for something you weren't getting within. You should have communicated with your H.

 

 

Really?

 

I wonder if he communicated with her that after they married he was going to get a new job and leave HER to take care of HIS kids.

 

Now who's been betrayed as well? No, her actions are not excusable for any reason, but neither are his. She's not a damn babysitter, she's his wife.

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I don't think you should tell your husband about the affair and here is why (I've left what I think is the most important reason for last)

 

* You have learned a lot from this and will never do it again.

* Your husband and you are working on your issues.

* Your husband is changing careers to be home more.

* The kids. You and your husband are adults and you married into an "instant family" yet to the (innocent) kids you are the only mom they know and like it or not I believe your first priority should be their well being and that means staying their mom.

 

If you tell your husband about your affair he'd probably be emotionally impacted. Who knows how the kids would be affected by any resulting additional turmoil in your marriage.

 

You and your husband are taking steps to address issues, changes are being made it sounds like he is trying to make things better for you too. Of course you don't know if the marriage will last but good marriages aren't built in a day and sometimes they go through rough spots before getting better or even good.

 

Bringing the affair out in the open is going to hurt a lot of people and quite possibly hurt the kids who have come to see you as the only mom they know. I say take the knowledge of it to your grave and never, ever mention it to anyone.

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Well said Craig. Why do you want to hurt your family and friends? You did it, you deal with your guilt, regret, and remorse on your own. Be nice to your husband if it makes you feel better.

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Originally posted by Max Zoom

Once again

Max agrees with Mr. Spock. The rule is never tell. Even if they have pictures. It wasn't you.

 

And Mr. Spock? Max would be in love with you if you didn't have that whole alien lookin' thing going on. :D

 

Awwww. Mr Spock feels all warm and tingly.

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PS-Feeling like a bag of sh*t and never doing it again are much different, especially since your neighbour dumped YOU and ran to the hills. You'll need to fix what is wrong in your marriage, otherwise you WILL do it again. Can you do that without telling? Not sure. Only you know that.

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I think you have to tell him. A few reasons:

 

1) If you were him, wouldn't YOU want to know?

 

2) A marriage based on secrets and lies, rather than total honesty, isn't worth sh*t.

 

3) He deserves to know -- you made a huge promise to him and broke it, and put his health at risk.

 

4) Your husband may know that there are problems in the marriage. But right now he has no idea how bad the problems are. Without knowing what those problems led you to do, things can very easily lapse back into how they were before. And then what do you do? Go out and have another affair.

 

It makes this next point a bit easier given that OM has moved away, but it goes without saying that he can't be in your life anymore, in any way. He's a cancer on your marriage. If you value your marriage at all, keep him out of your life forever.

 

You are totally to blame for your cheating. But that doesn't change the fact that your husband helped create the environment that led you to do so. You both have a lot of work to do. Start it off on the right foot by being honest with him. I wish you both the best.

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Originally posted by reservoirdog1

I think you have to tell him. A few reasons:

 

1) If you were him, wouldn't YOU want to know?

 

2) A marriage based on secrets and lies, rather than total honesty, isn't worth sh*t.

 

3) He deserves to know -- you made a huge promise to him and broke it, and put his health at risk.

 

4) Your husband may know that there are problems in the marriage. But right now he has no idea how bad the problems are. Without knowing what those problems led you to do, things can very easily lapse back into how they were before. And then what do you do? Go out and have another affair.

 

It makes this next point a bit easier given that OM has moved away, but it goes without saying that he can't be in your life anymore, in any way. He's a cancer on your marriage. If you value your marriage at all, keep him out of your life forever.

 

You are totally to blame for your cheating. But that doesn't change the fact that your husband helped create the environment that led you to do so. You both have a lot of work to do. Start it off on the right foot by being honest with him. I wish you both the best.

 

I agree 100%.

 

I also want to add that the OM may one day want to come back and become your lover once more. You may be able to reject him at first but what if your marital situation remains the same and the temptation to be with him becomes to great? Don't scoff at the idea because the OM knows your emotional vulnerabilities and knows how to exploit them for his benefit.

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  • Author

I am the only one to blame for this affair. I accept full responsibility. I am not pointing the blame on the OM or H. My husband does know that we have problems and your right he does not know the extent of them. We used to have a great relationship and a great sex life until he took this new career knowing I did not support him. I really felt used by him. I know that is why I strayed. That is not my excuse but I know that is what lead me to make my bad decisions. After that we separated but we were still living in the same house. (We did not know how to handle the kid situation) I stopped having sex with him. We have not had sex for over a year and a half. My H knew that I had an attraction to my neighbor but he has no idea the lies and sneaking that went on behind his back. He knows we were friends and talked. I really don't know why my H stuck around and I don't know why he is still there. I think deep down he knows but doesn't want to face it. My H was cheated on by his last wife and to know I cheated on him too will ruin him. I really am a terrible person.

 

I honestly was not looking or wanting to have an affair. I tried to end it several times and the OM would give me these long speeches about how we were meant to be and he would stick by me and support me. I believed all of it or I would have never stayed.

 

The OM ended up dumping me by text messaging and had a new girlfriend in a couple of days. He was the one ready to have a normal life and not lie or sneak around. I was the one still stuck on thinking that we would end up being a coupld. He still lives next door. My H and the OM used to be friends but now the OM will not answer H calls and my H thinks he did something wrong.

 

 

The whole situation is a mess. I know I need to tell my H but it's going to hurt soooo many people. I am mostly worried about my kids. News travels fast around my neighborhood and I don't think there is a way of keeping this from them. I have really made some bad choices and it's sad that this will affect other people so much. I have been so selfish. I don't know who I even am anymore.

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DazednConfused

Joyce,

 

Even decent people make mistakes. That is what you have done. made a mistake.

 

I won't tell you to stop beating yourself up, but I will give you credit for acknowledging your responsibility and feeling remorse.

 

If news travels fast in your area, it is all the more reason to tell your husband before he finds out on his own. You are correct, it will probably ruin him. The damage will be lessened somewhat if you are the one to tell him. Let him read your posts. I can feel your pain and regret and i do not even know you.

 

Knowing that you feel the way you do will be very important to him. If he finds out elsewhere, he will think you feel no remorse for your actions. he will think that you don't care about his feelings, and that he was never a consideration.

 

I found out elsewhere. I would be better knowing that my wife would not just go on and act as if nothing happened. Fact is; she would have. So among all the other issues, I have to deal with that.

 

The thing Joyce; he needs to know what you have done, he needs to know that you are truly sorry, and he needs to know what you truly want.

 

If he bails, then you will have to face that you put the final chapter on your marriage in your own actions. if he stays, you can work together to try and make it better than it ever was before.

 

Please don't let him suffer the humiliation of knowing the whole neighborhood knows before he does.

 

It's your mess, and only you can clean it up. Sit him down, let him know you have bad news, so he is prepared, and calmly and simply tell the truth.

 

I wish you the best!

 

-Dazed

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People: This is why good, effective communication is SO important. Otherwise situations can end up like this.

 

Joyce,

 

To be honest, good chance he might leave you. But you need to face the consequences of your actions. You also need to let him know so that he can make a decision based on all the facts. He's not going to have any trust in you nor any of his friends from now on. My suggestion would be to let him know he can ask as many questions as he wants, and talk about it as much as he wants when he feels like it. There is just no 'one' talk about these things. I would also highly suggest counseling for the both of you.

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Thank you for all of your advice and taking the time to read my story. I am in counseling and after I tell my husband he will need it too. I learned a lot with my situation but the biggest is if I need justification in my actions then it's not right to begin with. I found a way to justify every lie and I convinced myself that it was ok.... everyone has a conscience but some people choose to ignore it.

 

I am on a well deserved self destructive pattern.. The OM used to constantly tell me how attractive and hot I was and now I want to be the opposite. I have cut my hair and changing my physical appearance any way I can but that won't fix my problem. The problem obviously lies within. I know I have hurt the people that trusted and loved me... I can't hide from that. I can't run from myself.

 

My husband will probably leave me but who can blame him?? and if he doesn't then I have a lot of work to do.

 

Thanks again!!

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I still say NO DON'T DO IT.

 

 

Would you be feeling this guilty if your OM hadn't dumped you on your arse? Methinks you're depressed. Get that treated first please.

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I always felt a sense of guilt even before the OM dumped me.... I used to find ways to justify it and if I couldn't justify it the OM would justify it for me. When you live two lives and tell lie after lie you loose who you are. You get caught up in all the lies and don't know when to stop. I did not fully realize or think about what I had done until it was over.

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