Grnjello Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Ahhh. Where do i start?? Lets go back 14 years. I was 17 and in love. He was everything i wanted, we had FUN. we were teenagers very much in love. It was awesome. I was on top of the world. I became pregnant. We knew when we had sex that it was a possibility, we were never careful. we were stupid teens in love. we could handle anything. but that was just what we THOUGHT. Pregnancy scared me to death. I didn't know how to face my family, I didn't know what to do, so i got upset. Then I got mad. And i blamed it all on him. I blamed him for ruining my life. So i told him to leave and get out of my life. He tried everything he could to get me to change my mind, but i wouldn't budge. I was so awful. I know now how horrible i was. And selfish. So he respected my wishes and left me alone.... for 14 years. As i raised our daughter, i married, had 2 more children - both boys, divorced, and remarried. I am completely in love with my current husband. We have been together for 7 years, married for 5 of the 7. Life is good, we have a fantastic relationship, he is awesome with my kids, they even call him Daddy. He is everything to me. So i stroll into Wal-Mart one day, and walking down the aisle towards me is my daughter's father, who i haven't spoken to in 14 years. We talked, and i told him that our daughter has been wanting to meet him, and know him. I have always told my daughter about her real dad, and how its my fault that he isn't in her life. So of course, her curiosity is present, and she wants to know about the other half of her life. But he gave me his phone number and told me to have her call, he seemed very excited. He had been thinking about her alot too, wanting and hoping to one day see her. So she calls him, and he wants to come over and see her. And i think its great. they both are thrilled to know each other. he's so pleased with how she has grown up. and he's called her everyday since, and even gone to see her at her field hockey practice after school. She really likes him alot. She even got to meet his mom, her grandmother, and she loves her too. This is where it gets weird. All these feelings for him have come back. I cant wait for him to call, or come over. I keep thinking of ways to get to talk to him. Every time i look at him i get this feeling in my stomach and i get all googly-eyed. What the heck is the matter with me?? I think i am still in love with him. But its worse, for the first time in my wonderful marriage, i feel like i could have an affair. I keep thinking of ways to have one. And the worst part is that its not just about sex, its about having a deep emotional tie to someone and wanting to act on it. I know it could be that we left so many things unresolved, and I don't want to have an affair but I don't want to live with any more regrets than i already have. I regret kicking him out of my life, i regret hindering him for having a relationship with his daughter, i regret waiting so long to contact him. But i know i will regret an affair with him. And now its even harder. He is married, he has a 4 yr old and a baby on the way. He met his wife right after we broke up and has been with her ever since. She knew about my daughter, but never would speak of it. and now that we have "popped up" again, she is not dealing with it well. She is hateful, resentful, and doesn't want him to have any part in his own daughters life. Which he refuses to agree with. He has this chance to get to know his child and wont give it up for anything. He says he will deal with his wife and it will all be OK. I swear it sounds like they are headed for divorce court though. She is making his life a living hell. But he is holding strong. I think he feels the same way about me, that i do about him. I can tell the way he looks at me, and the way he talks to me. When we talk about why things ended up the way it did, we both take the blame, but have agreed to move forward. But i just know he is still in love with me too. And i am pretty sure if i tell him how i am feeling right now, he will offer the same response to me. He brings up how great our relationship was and how much he misses it. He looks at me with this smile that completely melts me. We both have so much to lose, yet so much to gain. What in the world do i do? I don't want to ruin my marriage and i don't want him to ruin his. But how do i make these feelings go away before it gets out of hand and we end up with yet another set of regrets in our life? What if we were meant to be? And if we were, why are all the elements against us? I'm a smart woman. But my head is so clouded right now i cant make responsible decisions. I need someone to help me clear my thinking, so i can do the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 So much to gain? What do you have to gain? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grnjello Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 I can gain back a relationship i threw away when i was too young to realize how good it was. I can gain back the 14 years my daughter lived without her father. I could have a life that i "maybe" should have had. I dunno. Maybe im just mixed up in the moment. its still hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Do you love your husband? Hasn't he been good to you? Hasn't HE been a good father to your daughter before her sperm donor came back? Sorry- if he was THAT concerned w/seeing her- the law is on his side- He wasn't seeing you anyway so he could have told you to stuff your no contact wishes. It doesn't seem it took him long to find someone he WAS willing to marry and have kids with- if he loved you so much- he should have proved it BEFORE 14 years had passed. I applaud him for trying to reenter his daughter's life- but I think you 2 should stay seperate. Just my humble opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grnjello Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 you are right. no doubt. My husband is awesome. i love him dearly. and yes, he has been a fabulous father to her while the "sperm donor" was absent. He also feels that she should know her real dad. hes been really good through all of this. Funny you called him the sperm donor, thats how i used to refer to him. I have considered what you are saying. And he has even said that he should have contacted us before so many years had passed. Theres one of his regrets. But we both agree that we made a lot of mistakes and bad choices and now we just need to move forward. I do appreciate your opinion. And somehow deep down i know i should stay separate from him. but how am i gonna do that now when hes here all the time to see our daughter? Link to post Share on other sites
Tracy Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 I agree. Your "feelings" about him sounds more like fantasies to me. You said you have a good relationship with your H and he is wonderful to you and your kids, even though they aren't his! That is remarkable. Why would you chance that for the POSSIBILITY of rekindling something with someone you don't even know anymore. For a glance or tingly feeling in your stomach? You're right, you're not thinking rationally. You should be very careful. Sounds like you could make a very big mistake, one you would most likely regret. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Joint custody. Very few divorced couples spend all their "child" time together. Also- have your husband present when you have to be around him. This may also put his wife at ease w/the situation (knowing you are NOT trying to create a side family) Link to post Share on other sites
Tracy Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Sorry... you posted while I was responding to Faye. I meant I agree with Faye. How do you stay separate from him? By not entertaining the idea. You have MUCH more to lose than you could possibly gain. Be cautious around him and just don't allow yourself go there. The fantasy will more than likely fade shortly. Link to post Share on other sites
Taken_Angel Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 I agree that he should have tried to get back into contact with his daughter before 14 years!! It is a bad bad idea to give up a marriage to a man who has taken care of your children (when he didn't have to). You lost a relationship back then for a reason....you found someone in which you claim to be in love with. I can understand the un-resolved feelings but honestly I think you'd be making a big mistake!!!!!!!! I think you have in your mind this big fairy tale idea about you getting back together with him and having a "happy family" but who would he leave his new family and a woman who's about to give birth to another one of his children? The wife obviously had good reason to be concerned, she had no right to say he couldn't see his daughter but maybe she had a feeling something like this would happen! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grnjello Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 Thank you Fayebelle, thats a really good idea. i think it will just take some time, since my daughter doesnt really know him, he only comes to my house to see her. She isnt ready to go out on ventures with him and she certainly doesnt want to go to his house with the situation with his wife. She wants me there to make her feel at ease. But having my husband there will put ME at ease. i just hope all these feelings pass, and soon. And Tracy, what you said is very helpful too. I dont understand why i am willing to risk my marriage for someone i dont know anymore. i never thought of it that way, but it sure feels like we havent lost any time. Why was i cursed with making such bad decisions all my life? Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Originally posted by Grnjello Why was i cursed with making such bad decisions all my life? Because if you didn't - you would never learn anything. Learn from your mistakes and try to prevent more oopsies in the future. That's all any of us can do. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Why was i cursed with making such bad decisions all my life? If you think that way, I really feel bad for your husband. He deserves someone better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grnjello Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 I dont really want us to leave our spouses for each other. i just... i dont really know what i want. i just want him in my life and be close to him. its like i want to have the affair, with no consequences. Like a one-time deal. Usually, people who have affairs deep down want to get caught. Its like i want to see how things could have been, but not give up my family now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grnjello Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 i see what you are saying jmargel. My husband was definitely a GOOD decision. i was just referring to the decisions i made and make with my daughters father. Link to post Share on other sites
Tracy Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 I think women tend to fantasize more than men in general. I def do. But don't delude yourself, you cannot have an affair and not "leave your spouse". Even if he never found out, and you guys didn't divorce, it would have terrible impact on your marriage. We women are too emotional. Can't just have sex without ALL SORTS of strings. Dangit Seriously, don't just mess around with him unless you're serious about it. And, give serious thought to all you have with your family now. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Originally posted by Grnjello I dont really want us to leave our spouses for each other. i just... i dont really know what i want. i just want him in my life and be close to him. its like i want to have the affair, with no consequences. Like a one-time deal. Usually, people who have affairs deep down want to get caught. Its like i want to see how things could have been, but not give up my family now. It'll never happen. Browse the infidelity or OW/OM forums if you want to see the REAL consequences of affairs. Don't make the same mistakes they have. Nip it in the bud before you do something you can never take back. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Hello, I am sorry but I just have to ask: How you seriously out of your mind? You have a fantastic relationship with your husband who you say you love and would do anything for you. So how do you repay his love and loyalty? You think about self-destructing your relationship and marriage with your husband by having an affair with this old boyfriend who is the father of your first child and who is married and has a 4 year old. His wife is now pregnant with another child. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband was thinking of doing what you are thinking of doing? Close your eyes and imagine your husband finding out about a sexual affair and leaving and divorcing you? Do you really think your old boyfriend will dump his wife, child and his newborn baby for you? I am sure he would not mind a little action on the side. You sound like you do not appreciate your husband or your marriage. You are on the road to self-destruction. If you wish to be divorced and single just act out your fantasies and it will happen. Does your husband really deserve such potential disrespect and humiliation from you. Clearly you do not care about the old boyfriend's pregnant wife either. Actually both of you sound like you would be a perfect match for each other since you both wish to cheat on spouses who love and respect you. I really think you both deserve each other. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Hon, its so risky. Chances are if you do it, he will find out, then you will be screwed. My opinion is that you should tell him how you're feeling, and then see how it goes from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grnjello Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 my god it is unreal how therapeutic these message boards are. i never thought it would benefit so well. And i really, really appreciate everyone's opinion and comments. It really helps me think a little more clearly. Now im thinking... "Where the heck WAS he for the past 14 YEARS!!??" what a day. So everyone pretty much agrees it is just fantasy. Is this something i should let my husband in on? I think he would be open to the conversation. and maybe if he knows what im going through, he can help me work my way out of it. or is that just disaster waiting for a place to happen? because, what if he isnt so understanding? what if i hurt his feelings by thinking all these things? Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Some crosses are our own to bear. How would you feel if he said "I ran into my high school love today and I'm feeling a strong attraction. I tossed around the idea of an affair but in the end I realized it was too much trouble. Perhaps we should talk about this..." I would crumble in the floor and cry if my BF said that. I'd be releaved that he decided against it - but that wouldn't change the pain and self doubt that would come from the initial attraction he had to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Tracy Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Is this something i should let my husband in on? We can't really tell you yes or no. It depends on your H. If you really think he would be open to it, then it may help you work through things. May even bring you two a little closer. However, if he's the jealous type, not quite open to some things, you may want to wait a little longer. Give it a little time to let the feelings subside, then if they don't, you should say something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grnjello Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 i think you are right faye, it would devastate me if he said that to me. i would always have it in the back of my mind that if he considered it once, what would stop him from considering it again. He is a very understanding person. we can talk about anything. but i dont want to upset him and turn him into someone who is always worried about what i am up to. he would say he trusts me, but he would be worried all the time. Should i go ahead and talk this through with my daughter's father? and let him know what i have been feeling? And let him know that i wont be acting on any of my feelings so he should just go ahead and repress his feelings too? Its easy for me to ignore it, but what if he keeps pushing to get close to me? Link to post Share on other sites
Tracy Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 G--I'm sure you and Faye are right about not saying anything to him. Personally, I would be crazy with jealousy, and would have a hard time letting go of it. But, some people are actually able to handle that kind of stuff. Just don't let it get out of hand before taking the chance to say anything.....I had an affair on my H He is the jealous type, a little immature emotionally, and prob would have taken it bad if I said something early on. But, I wish I could have talked to him about it and expressed my feelings, what I was urged to do, before I actually did it. I think it would have made a difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Tracy Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 I don't think you say anything to daughter's father. Could start something unnecessary. And, I don't think it would be fair to your husband... Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Originally posted by Grnjello Its easy for me to ignore it, but what if he keeps pushing to get close to me? Then you stop ignoring him and say flat out that if he wants to continue having contact w/his daughter he will respect you, your husband, and the life you have made together. If not- he can crawl home to his harpie wife and your family can return to normal. How old is your daughter? Once she is a teen or older and can handle visits w/out you she can resume her relationship if they wish. Link to post Share on other sites
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