Did the affair change your world view?

[purplesorrow]

I volunteer at hospice and at a local soup kitchen. My 5 year old now goes. I was trying to teach her about being kind and helping others. Sadly his affair has made me see the world doesn't really work that way. It opened my eyes to just how cruel and selfish people can be.

His very first message to the ow was an email, "I have a good life and marriage. I love my wife and will never leave. Would you be interested in a sexual only relationship?" Her reply was yes, I see nothing wrong with that.

In a matter of seconds my life crumbled. All it took was follow through on a lousy email. Am I alone in thinking do no harm? I didn't out them because her son is old enough to understand. Not once did they consider my baby. I am losing faith in humanity, how do I not go down that path? It boggles my mind when people feel no responsibilities because they didn't make the vows.

[BetrayedH]

It certainly changed my worldview. If my wife (the one person I trusted most in life to have my back) could stab me in the back and act with such depravity, I have little faith that others won't do the same. I really don't think there's any coming back from it.

 

But it doesn't have to fundamentally change who I am as a person. You can still be a good person, be charitable, and so forth but be realistic when it comes to self-protection. I'm afraid that people aren't necessarily 'good' by default. If anything, they are selfish by default. For here on out, I will be less vulnerable and more aware of risks but I'm otherwise going to try to lead by example. I think volunteering at soup kitchens and the like is a great way to do it. Trusting someone with your debit card? Perhaps not.

[fellini]

Although it's a hard pill to swallow: "The best revenge is forgiveness"

 

“You can forgive someone almost anything. But you cannot tolerate everything…We don’t have to tolerate what people do just because we forgive them for doing it. Forgiving heals us personally. To tolerate everything only hurts us all in the long run.” - Lewis B. Smedes

 

Stay on your path. You do not have to let others distract you from what you already know to be the proper way to live and lead in one's life.

 

But of course, saying these words and living by them are not the same. I wish you well, and your very fortunate daughter.

[TheBladeRunner]

It is hard to come back, not sure I ever will see things the same. After the XW's affair I still trust, but not as much as I used to. I maintain good relationships with others, but I find it very hard to date, I have tried. The longer I stay single the better my outlook is on people in general, I may keep it that way.

[Fluttershy]

I love history and I love studying people. I've never lived in some fantasy land of people want to do good. I see the news and hear terrible stories or witness how selfish human beings are daily. I believe when people want to change and are willing to own their crap they can. My husband's affair didn't change my world view. He didn't commit genopsyde or kill children. He slept with someone else behind my back and betrayed me. The world has nothing to do with it. Everybody makes their own choices. There is a lot of good in humanity and a lot of bad and that has always been and will always be. I'm not special nor the first person to be cheated on or the last.

 

What I did have a change on was that I judged and felt sorry for people who were betrayed by their spouse. I assumed wrongly a whole lot of things. I assumed they must know or chose their partner wrong. That if you were good at reading people you would catch on. I also judged them for being weak if they forgave. How could anyone forgive the ultimate no no in marriage? Now I realize that history, love, family, and remorse can go a long ways. And that infidelity can happen in any marriage. For sure there are things you can do to lesson the "risk". But the only person you can control is yourself. And that is true for every marriage. I think less people should go in to marriage so blindly. I think infidelity shouldn't be just dismissed as "it won't happen to us". Some call that jaded but it is reality and it doesn't mean no trust. For sure a balance but one that can be reached.

 

So no, my world view didn't change. It has alwas been a terrible place and wonderful all mashed together. But my view of marriage, myself, my husband and my personal life did change.

[badkarma2013]

Horrific things happen to very good people,and the SCUMBAGS dance through

the raindrops and never get wet!

 

Yes my WW did change my view of people and the world Forever.

[purplesorrow]

I grew up around people who volunteered, when on mission trips etc. My entire childhood was built around service to others. That was the way of life I knew. I encountered far more people who didn't purposely do harm than not. I wasn't imply that his affair stopped the world from moving. I was more so referring to people willing to hurt others simply because they could. It saddens me that is the world my daughter is growing up with. But for the record, his sneaking and lying and deceiving was more than just sleeping with someone else. It was cruel and hurtful. I didn't treat people this way. What is so hard about being descent to one another?

[Sub]

Not really my view of what people were capable of. I knew infidelity existed prior to D-Day. If anything it changed my feeling that I was insulated from it. It used to be something I heard about or saw from a distance. But in the span of two years I discovered my W's A, that may brother was having his own A, and my best friend's W was doing the same. So my world view didn't necessarily change. I just went from seeing it on TV to being on the frontline.

[Charlie Harper]

As someone who has been cheated on (my story is pretty bad, i´d say on a scale of 0 to 10 I am in a solid 9 on the GTFO factor here). I never saw it as someone who betrayed ME, I saw it as someone who betrayed herself, our vows and our project. I did not get mad or violent, I felt depressed because I knew the material of my relationship was not as good as I thought it was.

 

Very often I hear here on LS a lot of people ripping their clothes and crying FOUL when they found about infidelity, but deep down they know the real problem is that the relationship did not work and that their choice of partner was not very good, that is what hurts deep down, the deceit, the lies, the infidelity is a manifestation of those traits we failed to see and to avoid...

 

The affair changed my world view because I NEVER thought that it could happen to me, I never thought she would do it and hide it so week I would find 8 years after the A..... that gave me a new perspective on how to see my potential partners...

[waterwoman]

Yes. I knew the world was in places and at times, a violent and cruel place. And there are many worse acts than infidelity. But in my little world I had been fortunate to experience the mutual exchange of kindness for kindness, consideration for consideration, affection for affection. As a shy child I took time to open up but over the years I did. By my late 20s I was more gregarious and optimistic and by then I was probably cushioned from reality by my own ability to see the best in people. Realising h was having an affair with a woman I had befriended and offered help to, was like reaching to pick an apple and finding it was rotten, slimy and wriggling with maggots.

 

I don't trust people's motives any more. I was a naive fool. I am not now. I liked it better before.

[Fluttershy]

I grew up around people who volunteered, when on mission trips etc. My entire childhood was built around service to others. That was the way of life I knew. I encountered far more people who didn't purposely do harm than not. I wasn't imply that his affair stopped the world from moving. I was more so referring to people willing to hurt others simply because they could. It saddens me that is the world my daughter is growing up with. But for the record, his sneaking and lying and deceiving was more than just sleeping with someone else. It was cruel and hurtful. I didn't treat people this way. What is so hard about being descent to one another?

 

Humans haven't changed that much. The workd has just got smaller sonwe can see it easier. And thanks to the internet affairs may be easier but they have been happening since the dawn of mankind. It is terrible when a spouse etrays you but it had nothing to do with my world view. Every generation complains about the generation before it. Think of slavery and racism. There are no less good people in the world than before your own bubble got popped. And there are people who on the outside look like it is all okay but you don't know if they have secret "sins".

 

Your daughter will grow up and make her own choices. All you can do is love her and teach her to respect others. And if she chooses not to at some point it won't be because you were a bad mom or your husband cheated or the workd is getting worse. It will be because she is an adult and a human being who made her own choices.

[Fluttershy]

OP- i think perhaps you were either a pollyana or just very sheltered. That could make this whole thing ten times worse for you.

[purplesorrow]

OP- i think perhaps you were either a pollyana or just very sheltered. That could make this whole thing ten times worse for you.

 

Neither applies. But I was taught and grew up with morals.

[Fluttershy]

Neither applies. But I was taught and grew up with morals.

 

But that has 0 to do with your world view? I did too but I didn't assume that everyone had the same morals as me or even any morals at all?

[Appreciate]

Affairs happen to other people, not us.

Divorce happens to other people, not us.

 

This is the bubble many of us live in. Because for many of us, the affair happened in an otherwise 'good' marriage which had two good people in it. Which is why it is such a shock. Because we simply can't comprehend that the person we love and trust could do that us. Besides physical death, there really is no greater split of reality than infidelity. And that changes us irrevocably. And I think it changes the children affected as well. Because they will no longer be able to trust other people like they would have before. And that is one of the reasons I will never forgive my ex.. some things can't be forgiven. Some things should not be forgiven.

[purplesorrow]

But that has 0 to do with your world view? I did too but I didn't assume that everyone had the same morals as me or even any morals at all?

 

As far as my little world with my husband....I thought I picked a mate whose morals matched mine. No, I didn't think all matched mine or had any at all. That is easily learned when giving service to a diverse group. But they weren't 'my world'. I found it so interesting the ow saw nothing wrong with doing it but didn't want to be exposed.

[Arvin_Solheim]

Of course an affair can change your world view; although to be honest I lost my trust in humanity a couple of years before I even started having real relationships....

 

But yes the more relationships I had the more I had lost my trust in people, After you see a girl who is in a committed relationship with her boyfriend of 5 years does/says things to you that is only reserved for that guy who is not a bad person at all you begin to understand that people can be incredibly selfish....maybe I'm wrong but I've done a lot of selfish things which mostly I don't regret and I think if I can do those things so can anybody else....That's why to this day I don't trust anyone; not even those closest to me.....

What you can do is to embrace the fact that we as a species are selfish and despite popular belief are all out for ourselves....there's a biological imperative behind it....There is nothing to be done.....If you look at the world through the eyes of someone who is waiting for others to honour their moral obligations you're going to be left alone and damaged beyond repair....

[ladydesigner]

Yes the A changed my world view. I tend to stereotype men as cheaters even though I logically know not all men cheat. I also wonder if every M has experienced infidelity now. When i see a man and a woman having lunch together I wonder if they are carrying on an A.

 

My world view changed at first as an abused child and repeatedly through life, yet i was still blindsided by my WH. I never knew my WH was the NPD, non empathetic and entitled person I saw on Dday and now sometimes after. I thought I knew my WH of 18 years turns out I had no clue. the last person besides my mother who I trusted was my WH and he failed me.

[gettingstronger]

World view? I don't know if it's quite that dramatic but I was not aware that so many people were unwilling to take responsibility for themselves and their actions. The amount of self rationalization I see as I read bad listen bad experience blows me away. I am thankful that at least in my little world that my husband has taken responsibility for his actions. I also learned that low self esteem manifests itself in a variety of ways. I had no idea that those that appear strong and confident can actually be vulnerable to needing an ego boost and weak enough to not admit it to themselves or those they ore honesty to. It's been a sad , eye opening experience I wouldn't wish on anyone.

[purplesorrow]

I actually meant what most are answering to, what you consider your own little world. Thank you all for responding.

[veritas lux mea]

I am the WS and my view of myself, my marriage, my affair and opinions have changed a number of times. But I think many things in life are like that. The question is, have you changed for the better or the worse?

[Spark1111]

I don't know if it is worldview, morals or ethics.....

 

I think it is about astute boundaries and keeping mentally heathy boundaries firmly drawn, lines in the sand....

 

We MUST teach our children the importance of helping others and leaving the world a better place because we lived.

 

But we must also teach them to say no and NOT be taken advantage of by those who perceive our altruism for naïveté and who would take advantage of our kindness to suck us dry.

 

being kind and giving does NOT mean we do NOT know where to draw the lines for being taking advantage of.....whether or not we were a BS, abused child or spouse....

 

teach your child the difference, as soon as you can.....Because it is a HUGE difference. being kind and compassionate (GOOD) should NEVER mean be abused, bullied, or bled DRY (BAD).

 

this is TAUGHT by parents who have strong boundaries themselves.....and 5 is not too young to start, IMO.

[todreaminblue]

I talked to my daughter about this last night when i explained why her virginity was so important....by my mistakes and the way i felt when i found out my ex just of two days was cheating...i had given him one chance already which he begged for me to do.....so i did but i was watchful........i have made th emistake of endless chances before....forgiveness is huge to me because i wish to eb forgiven for my mistakes...but....just because i have made mistakes doesnt mean i need to be someones emotional punching bag......i gave a chance and he didnt take it so i have to let go of him ...not the world or my belief and faith but him ....in fact i hold my faith in people and god closer...helps em make ti through the world injured.......we are all scarred...we all have hurt others either knowingly or unknowingly...we all sin.......i dont lose my faith in humanity because i have been cheated on before and recently....and yes people can be cold and heartless......but then there is you hurt and confused on the board....hey...hi....me too...and many others just on here feeling the pain of wanting to trust someone.....we do make that choice you know to trust someone..........i am hurt and confused bit shell shocked smilin though too.......because i know people are capable of love and fidelity ....there are warm hearts in the world my friends and family rallying around me not wanting me to get sick again and disappear......or part of me disappear....i see that as well....i see a prayer answered.....a new beginning and i do see an ending..it had had to happen...its been.....gone and working through it....how i choose to process this.....i have a multiude processing with me who i speak to what i learn and decide to learn from......all my choice.......the world is as small or as bg as you make it...as warm or as cold as you want it to be.........dont lose faith ....just lose the guy who wasnt for you.........the way to lose him is to forgive.......and not accept that for your life and especially for you....i fidn writing helps ...to others ...reaching out sharing thoughts and feelings.....dont lock it away.......huge hugs.......my smile is a bit broken too...wont always will be broken ...just for now.....:0)...deb

[peaksandvalleys]

I volunteer at hospice and at a local soup kitchen. My 5 year old now goes. I was trying to teach her about being kind and helping others. Sadly his affair has made me see the world doesn't really work that way. It opened my eyes to just how cruel and selfish people can be.

His very first message to the ow was an email, "I have a good life and marriage. I love my wife and will never leave. Would you be interested in a sexual only relationship?" Her reply was yes, I see nothing wrong with that.

In a matter of seconds my life crumbled. All it took was follow through on a lousy email. Am I alone in thinking do no harm? I didn't out them because her son is old enough to understand. Not once did they consider my baby. I am losing faith in humanity, how do I not go down that path? It boggles my mind when people feel no responsibilities because they didn't make the vows.

 

Not only did it change my world view, it changed my children's world view. And for that I will probably forever feel disgust toward him and the OW. I think that when people who give not a damn about others and what effect they have on not only their present but their future there should be a special butt chewing machine or something. As you can tell I am a little irritated today.

[ladydesigner]

I found it so interesting the ow saw nothing wrong with doing it but didn't want to be exposed.

 

I find this interesting as well. Our MOW became inflamed when I exposed the A. I mean that is what she wanted, my WH out in the open. It's funny how attitudes change when feet are put to the fire.