Should I divorce or stay?

[twpet]

I got married over twenty years ago to my on and off girlfriend from high school. I went off to college, came back and hooked up with her, and got her pregnant. I couldn't see myself having a child, or afford to have it. She decided to keep it and have her brother raise it if necessary, so I manned up and married her and raised my awesome loving son. When he was a toddler, I moved out of state with my little family to complete my PhD so I could work my way up to provide for my family. My wife made it a miserable time for me, she didn't socialize, and never went out with me. We later found out her father was terminally ill, and we made a couple cross country trips to visit him. On our last trip to see him, he passed away and she didn't get to see him. She always blamed me for that. Years later when I asked her why she made it so miserable for me when me we moved, she said it was because she wanted me to finish my ''stupid PhD program.'' We would go weeks, months, without physical contact, and under certain conditions when we did, like lights off and sometimes in closets. She never climaxed, and it was never creative. I always tried getting her to relax, but nothing. She has issues also because of a rape issue she went through when I was an undergrad and we weren't together. She never sought out help. She never acknowledged my opinions, in fact, she contradicts everything I say or suggest, just for the sake of contracting. She has been there for me in time of illness (surgery), and I'm grateful for that. Our son went off to college last fall, and it seemed that we both took out this frustration out on each other. My son and I had moved into a house closer my work and to his school for his high school education. We weren't separated, but didn't really live together either. Just as my son was leaving for college, I met an incredible woman. She's younger than me by about ten years, but we share similar values, sense of humor, both musicians and English majors, etc. She made me feel alive again. I gave into an affair convinced that I was going to divorce. My wife had a hystorectomy, and I moved back in to help her out. In these conditions, we had sex twice. It wasn't about love, it was about comfort and that feeling you have with someone who has been there for a big part of your life. I found out that the other woman was lying to me about her sexual history, and we decided to remain friends...also because I wasn't divorced. I'm finding myself comfortable with my wife and don't know if I should just stay, or divorce and give it a shot with the woman I love.

[goumao]

You should tell your wife about the other woman. She deserves to know, simple as that. Then see how she reacts, maybe she'll decide to divorce you.

[jnel921]

Sounds like you don't like your younger woman's promiscuity. Moving back with your W sounds like an excuse also. If you really loved your wife you would have made it work all along and iron out all of the wrinkles as they happened.

 

You admit the sex between you is almost a favor. So why stay?

 

The grim reality out there is that whoever you meet will have screwed many men whether you like it or not. If the person is smart they don't have STDs. You cannot control what someone has done or what they will do.

 

Living in separate homes is never a good idea, but for whatever reason your wife accepted that. Tell her the truth and give her the respect of deciding on her own whether she wants to be with you and continue this arrangement.

[oldshirt]

Some how you are thinking this is all you are going to be able to get and so you are just resigning yourself to it.

 

It's not really comfort per se because there is nothing comfortable about trying to be with someone you don't love and who doesn't love you. It's fear that's holding you back. It's fear of risk, fear of rejection, fear of disappointment etc etc

 

You've already proven to yourself that you can attract other women and proven that you can feel alive again. That relationship didn't work out but you've proven it can be done.

 

That knowledge will actually make you more restless and dissatisfied with your wife in time. You may feel a wee bit of security with her as your fall-back person when this relationship didn't work out but how long do you think that is really going to last??

 

You are going to get restless and get the roaming eye again in a matter of weeks. What are you going to do the next time some cute chick starts giggling at your silly jokes and starts batting her eyes at you.

 

Dissatisfaction and frustration are inevitable with your wife but that is a known quantity. There is some security and comfort in knowing where things stand with someone even if it is bad. With some new it's all a gamble and all a risk and all yet to be determined. That is going to cause some uncertainty and insecurity.

 

You choice is really a simple one. Do you chose the dissatisfaction and frustration that you know you will have with your wife, or do risk some uncertainty and a few failures along the way in search of happiness and compatibility.