unreasonable gf Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 One of my friends was talking about couples he knows who've survived infidelity and one story stood out to me. He said the husband was having an affair and had decided to end things with his wife. He told his W about the affair and that he was leaving, and the W fought very hard to get her H back, insisting that they could save their marriage and have a better relationship in the end. The H was so moved by his wife's will in fighting for him that he changed his mind -- dropped the OW and the marriage is extremely strong now. It sounds so romanticised to me, and I've never met these people first hand. I'm just getting sad reading a lot of your posts about cheating spouses and wondering what the best "strategy" is, if you want to work on things. I mean, being cheated on you're going thru so much crap that it seems so hard to focus on anything but your pain. The logical answer seems to be to dump a cheater cold like the ba$tard they are, but I know it's more complicated than that. I know this post sounds really naive, but I don't think I'll edit myself -- I'm curious about any reactions to this question. Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 He told his W about the affair and that he was leaving, and the W fought very hard to get her H back, insisting that they could save their marriage and have a better relationship in the end. The H was so moved by his wife's will in fighting for him that he changed his mind -- dropped the OW and the marriage is extremely strong now. I don't understand why someone who has been cheated on would beg the cheater to stay. I think it should be the other way around. Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 This may have been true but if the unfaithful H decided to stay married to his W [after she stated to him that they could have a better marriage] then it means that he did not have a serious emotional investment with his lover to begin with. His affair was more of a PA [physical affair] than an EA [emotional affair] like the vast majority of affairs that married men have. But this outcome is usually not the case when it is the woman who has the affair because for women it is more the emotional side of the affair [rather than the physical side of it] that is the driving force behind it. A husband can be relatively happy in his marriage and still have an affair but a W that has an affair is usually because she is not happy in her marriage. I highly recommend that you read Tom McKnights book Love Tactics to discover the dynamics that are involved in falling in love. Link to post Share on other sites
painter Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 i dont understand either. why would anyone want a relationship with a lying, cheating, emotionally superficial slut? if you have little enough self respect, to be able to share your body with another person, with no feeling for that person.......then you arnt exactlly a catch imho! how to get a cheating spouse back? demean yourself to a lower level than them, crawl and prove youre lower than them, so they can always feel superior to you because you wanted them back even thought they walked all over you. stronger for it? no..... just more emotionally dependant on each other and less likely to be able to survive apart. sorry guyes, but there is a big difference between someone who has an emotional breakdown within a marriage sufficient to screw around, and a fickle, lying, self-important slut. she "impressed him with her will"??? she ego-wanked him! if someone wants to go its always better to be rid of them, (unless youre the one that screwed up). Link to post Share on other sites
blackheart Posted August 29, 2004 Share Posted August 29, 2004 Do cheaters ever actually change? My ex cheated on me a total of three times that I know of. The last being what finally ended it all for us. I was dumb enough to try to work past it the first two times. I just don't see how anyone could be low enough to betray someone else like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Cariel Posted August 29, 2004 Share Posted August 29, 2004 Depends on the reason for the "cheating". If one is either being harrangued to the point of madness or being ignored to the same point, you have three options: (1) Have an "affair" (physical and/or emotional) with someone who thinks you're OK and risk getting caught, (2) Put up and shut up, (3) Get the divorce and deal. If you're cheating because you have a truly awful marriage with no emotional connection, I've been there. If you're cheating because you like the excitement of something new, I have no sympathy. Take up rock-climbing. Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted August 29, 2004 Share Posted August 29, 2004 My ex cheated on me and I begged him to stay but he wouldn't. Now, four months later I feel really stupid about that, and I'm glad he left. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted August 29, 2004 Share Posted August 29, 2004 One resource that's used a lot is marriagebuilders.com. They have a whole plan laid out about how to save your marriage after one spouse cheats. But, you have to first decide if saving the marriage is what you want. Everybody makes mistakes. But others are serial cheats, who do it again and again and again. Some even do it again after their faithful spouse forgave them once before. That, to me, is absolutely unforgiveable. After I finally learned the truth about TBXW's years of cheating and lies, we tried to reconcile for two months but she didn't really want to. So, I started getting on with my life, moved out a month later, made sure that by the time I moved out I was psyched and happy, and made this very obvious to her. I'd told her about a month after she came clean that I wasn't going to beg her to stay married to me -- I wasn't going to make myself emotionally vulnerable to somebody who'd demonstrated that they weren't worthy of my efforts. And guess what? Ten days after I moved out, she asked me to come back. (Which is all moot because we stayed apart and are divorcing, but you get my point.) For me, trusting a proven serial cheat would be almost impossible. I don't trust things TBXW tells me anymore, or at least I don't trust blindly like I used to. Everything she tells me, I take with a grain of salt, unless it's mundane or independently verifiable. I can only imagine how much more difficult that whole mess would be if we were actually trying to reconcile. "The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour." Link to post Share on other sites
carriebradshaw_999 Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 I had three happy years with my partner but then we started arguing every time he came home at weekends (he is in the army). Every time we argued we would irrationaly split. He then slept with a friend and sexual partner of his past during those periods apart which i forgave him for. However i have just discovered that in fact they have been on holiday together, introduced her to his friends at camp.(therfore they shared the same bed we shared when i stayed with him at camp, which hurts the most) she told me about this by calling me at home gaining the number by finding it under next of kin in his passport and telling me not to bother with him despite she herself still trying to gain contact with him. Because of all this drama and him being in the army i have seen him once in 3 months whist she has spent time with him. He leaves for afgan in 2 weeks time for 6 months and so how will i be able to build trust in that time and under those circumstances. Ive been really silly. ive threatened to kill myself . called his mates and asked questions. worse still he says hes sorry but sounds cold and distant. he isnt particularly emotional or heartfelt. hasnt any answers just that he was stupid and made a mistake. i dont know if i can move on. especially since his memory of me has probably faded whilst his memory of her is fresh. apparantly his mates get on well with her and is everything im not. she loves to drink, party and is confident and independant whilst i feel fragile insecure and needy. how do i get those things back? Link to post Share on other sites
LoveNoLoss Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 I understand how that might happen being that you are in love with someone and want to make it work... I don't think I would do it though. I gave my husband two chances.. a year into the marriage... then a few years later(same OW)... then only to find out a few years later he had slept with at least 6 women and one of them he was with for 2 years right under my nose. He also slept with other women while he was with her and married to me. Whoo hoo....Its been a year since he spoke to any of his whores... (or so he says) and he also claims he is getting his act together (healing) and wants to be with me. He speaks as if he is reformed and I am crazy for not wanting to work it out.. I personally think its all "self convincing". He never used condoms either... I was playing russian roulette for 8 years and didn't even know it. Its hard to want that back:( Link to post Share on other sites
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