LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

Trouble Getting over Wife's past one time indiscretion while we were dating


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree74Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 5th March 2018, 2:29 PM   #31
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 28,052
This is still eating at you 4 years after your original post & a quarter century after it happened?

How's that IC going?

The other guy called years later but still before you were married because he liked your wife. You liked her too so why is it so shocking that another man liked her? He was probably wondering if her relationship ended? When he realized it hadn't he went away never to be heard from again.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th March 2018, 2:57 PM   #32
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
This is still eating at you 4 years after your original post & a quarter century after it happened?

How's that IC going?

The other guy called years later but still before you were married because he liked your wife. You liked her too so why is it so shocking that another man liked her? He was probably wondering if her relationship ended? When he realized it hadn't he went away never to be heard from again.
Seems odd though, why call her years later. Where did he get her number. Why did he think it would be okay to call her etc.

The reason this seems to be an ongoing issue that is eating their relationship is that it was never properly resolved. That the friend wasn't removed from the equation right away. That she wasn't entirely honest and that these people keep entering the picture when they should have been totaly out of it from the get go and have no reason to do so if there is no encouragement whatsoever.

He'll likely be back in another 4 years and then 2 years after that and so on.
Maraud3r is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2018, 12:24 AM   #33
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Depends on the day
Posts: 1,009
Find away to deal with this all now. There is a thread on here by a guy in his 70ís I think going through the same thing as you. IC is a good start then your really need to get the truth from your wife. Not knowing plays havoc on ones thoughts.
usa1ah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2018, 8:06 AM   #34
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 135
Earlier in the thread people suggested DNA testing the kids. I now think it's a good idea. You may be the 1 in 20 raising anothers child.

And don't any woman give me **** over this. How could you ever understand the deep seated worry about this? YOU KNOW, we don't. The darn thing came out of your vagina. We have no such proof.

I've been pushing my cousin to test his youngest for years. His youngest looks and acts just like my brother. Same head shape same early years learning and speech issues same hair color and eye color. He's had his head in the sand for years.

If I ever have kids I will be papa testing every time. I will decide weather to keep those tests to myself or not when the time comes.... if it comes.


The fact this guy called up 4 years later then hung up looks somewhat shady buddy. Her reactions seems off as well. Why is the guy searching her out 4 years later? Something tell me you didn't get the whole story AND this may be lasted a while.

I'm on the fence about the poly.... it seems like a nuclear option right now but the DNA test just seems smart to me.
Adotta is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2018, 9:09 AM   #35
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,777
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adotta View Post
Earlier in the thread people suggested DNA testing the kids. I now think it's a good idea. You may be the 1 in 20 raising anothers child.

And don't any woman give me **** over this. How could you ever understand the deep seated worry about this? YOU KNOW, we don't. The darn thing came out of your vagina. We have no such proof.
So what? SO WHAT if it didn't come out of you?

You raise a kid for ten years, the kid loves and trusts you, you are his dad, the center of his universe, and then you want to go 'Oh, never mind, technically you're someone else's DNA' and throw him off a cliff?

I am fine with people DNA testing infants if you want to be sure before you take someone into your family.

Anyone who would even consider throwing away an innocent child for something they had no part in is a despicable person.
somanymistakes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2018, 11:08 AM   #36
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
So what? SO WHAT if it didn't come out of you?

You raise a kid for ten years, the kid loves and trusts you, you are his dad, the center of his universe, and then you want to go 'Oh, never mind, technically you're someone else's DNA' and throw him off a cliff?

I am fine with people DNA testing infants if you want to be sure before you take someone into your family.

Anyone who would even consider throwing away an innocent child for something they had no part in is a despicable person.
I never said to throw them away and yes I would cringe at somone throwing kids they raised for years away.

This isn't about throwing them away. If I learned I raised somone else's kids the mother of those kids would be dead to me. Not the kids. Plus I would want to know so I can decide if I want to have some ACTUAL kids of my own to carry my DNA to the next generation. If these kids are not his he just spent a decade raising and pushing somone else's DNA foward into the new generation all while denying him the right to pass his own genes down.

I don't raise kids for the sole reason of raising them. It's about passing my genes down. About being part of the future even when I'm gone. I want humanity a thousand years from now to have my genes as a part of its make up.

Why deny a man that? It's instinct.
Adotta is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2018, 11:23 AM   #37
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: NYC-NJ
Posts: 10
Thanks to all for the response. In this case I know that my children are mine.
I think that I didnít get the full truth prior. I also know at this point it really should not have any consequences to my life or marriage.

It does disappoint me that it happened at all, and that things probably went farther than admitted. I wish she had shown the same respect and restraint that I did many years ago (and still do to this day).

Those who eloquently stated it will continue to bother me and that Iíd probably come back every few years, are most likely correct.

Regarding IC, I did not proceed with itódonít know if I ever will.
Fer_jo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2018, 9:58 PM   #38
Established Member
 
Buckeye2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 658
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fer_jo View Post
Several years afterwards when we were formally engaged but living together, the same guy called our home asking for her. I had answered the phone and when he identified himself I told him who I was (his classmate) and that we were engaged. He promptly hung up and she acted sheepishly. I always thought it was strange heíd reach out 4 years later if all they did was ďmake outĒ.
This is why this is still festering. You werenít even married and all she had to do was ďact sheepishlyĒ and you dropped the subject. The problem is that you think you know but donít want to know.

The way youíre acting itís as if you found out for sure you would have to divorce her. You donít. Tell your wife that you love her but itís tearing you up. She has been a good wife but you need to know.

That way you can start healing.
Buckeye2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2018, 10:34 PM   #39
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,395
You can't get past it because you don't know what you're getting past. As long as you're too fearful to address this with her it will continue to be at thing hanging over your marriage.

It's far to simplistic to say you shouldn't allow this to damage your marriage after 20 years. The truth is, it has been damaging your marriage for 20 and no matter how some say let it go, it's clear those people haven't been in that position.

It's been almost four years since you started this thread and you are still in the same spot..time for something different, time to sit her down, let her know that you have to know because you haven't healed in all this time not knowing.

Last edited by DKT3; 6th March 2018 at 10:39 PM..
DKT3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2018, 11:17 PM   #40
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 28,052
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fer_jo View Post
Regarding IC, I did not proceed with itódonít know if I ever will.
Then you are being a masochist / martyr. IC can help you. MC may help you get to the bottom of this. If this has been festering for all these years, you need to take appropriate steps to get peace.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2018, 11:48 PM   #41
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
So what? SO WHAT if it didn't come out of you?
That is incredible easy aswell as self serving to say for someone who ALWAYS knows whether the child is theirs or not.

Quote:
You raise a kid for ten years, the kid loves and trusts you, you are his dad, the center of his universe, and then you want to go 'Oh, never mind, technically you're someone else's DNA' and throw him off a cliff?
Except, you are NOT his or her dad. You're a stranger who got tricked into taking on the parental role using fraud and deception. It does change the entire dynamic and means he'll never have children of his own.

Once again, as someone who will always know it's incredible easy to say: "so what?!" because it'll never be a situation you're in.

Quote:
I am fine with people DNA testing infants if you want to be sure before you take someone into your family.

Anyone who would even consider throwing away an innocent child for something they had no part in is a despicable person.
What YOU are fine with is completely besides the point. Arbitarily adding a point in time when it would be "fine to do so" just arcs back to the whole self serving part of this.

It would not be his child, any relationship between the two would be entirely based on deception and lies. The child might not be the one who caused this but neither was the man in question. If he decides to stay despite all of this, props to him but there is absolutely no basis to hold the victim of a crime accountable and call them a horrible person for not sticking around.

Heck we could use the same logic for various other situations where you'd be outraged if we'd remove your arbitary time markers.
Maraud3r is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th March 2018, 6:25 AM   #42
Established Member
 
standtall's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,483
Fer jo. I have been in your shoes as well. We have been happily married 22 together 28...3 almost grown children. About 2 yrs ago I had a trigger about something my wife may have done before we were married...but seriously dating.. and had a mini meltdown.

A few thoughts that helped me...excluding #4.

1. Is it really cheating? Neither of you had signed a contract nor swore an oath in front of witness at that time. That means a lot in my book.

2. Focus on what you and your wife have now. Even if she did do more with an other guy, who cares? She chose you, has had sex with you a zillion times...hopefully even enjoyed it...and had your children. You won.

3. I know every guy wants to know how many times she swallowed, how he tore that *ss up etc. Get over it and don't ask anything more about the details.

4. You are in good position to ask your wife to not reconnect with these people. She knows why too.

5. Be wary here about posters. Some of them will encourage you to blow up your marriage with DNA tests, poly graphs, and other crap either for their own personal amusement, or they were hurt so bad that they are having a hard time believing all women are not like the ones that hurt them. Nothing good will come of this digging. Get off of this forum ASAP and get your advice from people with successful marriages..not serial dysfunctional ones.

6. Refer to #1 as needed.

Last edited by standtall; 7th March 2018 at 6:43 AM..
standtall is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th March 2018, 6:52 AM   #43
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 3,000
St...

Quote:
Originally Posted by standtall View Post
Fer jo. I have been in your shoes as well. We have been happily married 22 together 28...3 almost grown children. About 2 yrs ago I had a trigger about something my wife may have done before we were married...but seriously dating.. and had a mini meltdown.

A few thoughts that helped me...excluding #4.

1. Is it really cheating? Neither of you had signed a contract nor swore an oath in front of witness at that time. That means a lot in my book.
2. Focus on what you and your wife have now. Even if she did do more with an other guy, who cares? She chose you, has had sex with you a zillion times...hopefully even enjoyed it...and had your children. You won.
3.Get over it and don't ask anything more about the details.
4. You are in good position to ask your wife to not reconnect with these people. She knows why too.
5. Be wary here about posters. Some of them will encourage you to blow up your marriage with DNA tests and other crap either for their own personal amusement, or they were hurt so bad that they are having a hard time believing all women are not like the ones that hurt them. Get off of this forum ASAP and get your advice from people with successful marriages..not serial dysfunctional ones.
ST...

I find it hard to believe that someone like you that has been here as long as you have been would actually feel this way. But, of course that is your right with out a doubt.

While is don't know your specific story, I have seen a lot like it.

I would like to point both you and OP to "Rog's" story. Married 35 years, I think, his wife pulled something like this, and it turned out that none, repeat none of his 4 children were his.

She had cheated the entire marriage and had 4 children with different men. BTW, he did not want to DNA test his kids either.

The reason that We here on LS are so staunch about things is the we have lived it and seen it so many times.

OP, got and has gotten triggered by his wives lack of respect for him, repeatedly.

Of course his then GF slept with the guy. She probably screwed him multiple times. And she lied about it.

OP then rug swept the situation like so many men do, only to find out that her lack of character then is actually a "warning" about her lack of character in the present day.

I am not saying for OP to blow up his marriage, but he is owed an explanation and the truth. But in his heart he knows that she screwed the guy, but instead of telling the truth, she choose to lie about it and put a wedge between them. That is on her, not him.

He was just a fool for believing her and marrying her.

And for every one that says he is a crazy for feeling the way that he does, you all should understand that a betrayed BF or spouse can trigger at any time. That is why infidelity is so damaging.
BluesPower is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 7th March 2018, 7:12 AM   #44
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,395
Quote:
Originally Posted by standtall View Post
Fer jo. I have been in your shoes as well. We have been happily married 22 together 28...3 almost grown children. About 2 yrs ago I had a trigger about something my wife may have done before we were married...but seriously dating.. and had a mini meltdown.

A few thoughts that helped me...excluding #4.

1. Is it really cheating? Neither of you had signed a contract nor swore an oath in front of witness at that time. That means a lot in my book.

2. Focus on what you and your wife have now. Even if she did do more with an other guy, who cares? She chose you, has had sex with you a zillion times...hopefully even enjoyed it...and had your children. You won.

3. I know every guy wants to know how many times she swallowed, how he tore that *ss up etc. Get over it and don't ask anything more about the details.

4. You are in good position to ask your wife to not reconnect with these people. She knows why too.

5. Be wary here about posters. Some of them will encourage you to blow up your marriage with DNA tests, poly graphs, and other crap either for their own personal amusement, or they were hurt so bad that they are having a hard time believing all women are not like the ones that hurt them. Nothing good will come of this digging. Get off of this forum ASAP and get your advice from people with successful marriages..not serial dysfunctional ones.

6. Refer to #1 as needed.
I have an issue with number 5...Look OP has no peace, so how can this marriage be truly a happy one? He is struggling, and he has been doing what you suggested you know what? It's not working. This isn't going to go away, it hasn't after 20 plus years why would it now?

He needs answers to heal and move pass this, she owes him those answers, honest answers no more sheepishly avoiding and rugsweeping it away.

Not to long ago we had a FWW come along shocked because her husband just picked up and left years after her affair was dead and she thought they had reconciled. In all those years he had no peace, he silently struggled with what he didn't know, this feeling that she hadn't been honest and one day he just broke and disappeared. As her story slowly come out it was clear they had rugswept her affair, she never answered his questions so he stopped asking, she assumed he must be over it.

His unrest will slowly kill his love for her.
DKT3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th March 2018, 8:17 AM   #45
Established Member
 
BarbedFenceRider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Southwest
Posts: 498
The part I'm feeling is that it is really easy to lay down 20+ years, kids, house, family time...And then see the "hidden" parts and realize that this family thing is a facade. If the WW can get away with a lie 20 years ago, what else has she gotten away with?
And I totally get not wanting to blow up the family for some serious questions, and I feel the OP has been really good with keeping it cool. But still, after reading MULTIPLE threads of WWs 20-30 years down the road busting open the whole image of a healthy relationship and destroyed whole families. Sick.
Hopefully, this WAS a 1 off thing, and she feels terrible about it. OP should just assume that they screwed all those years back...And just let it go. I feel his energy would be best served by introducing a counselor into a marriage "tune up". Nothing accusatory, but to help build solid foundations and bring to light any holes in the wife's barriers or trust factors. This would put in the open that OP's expectations of a fulfilling marriage, trust and loyalty included. That includes past boyfriends calling the home at weird times and dates expecting repeat performances.....
Also, this "tune up" time would be a good gauge at what your wife's expectations of you are at. Lets all agree that OP as well as the rest of us husbands always have some room to grow and improve as well. Kinda takes the sting away from being a salem witch trial against the wife....
BarbedFenceRider is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
First time dating in 5 years, having a little trouble reading this guy Cam116 Dating 9 18th April 2013 11:05 PM
Trouble getting past details of my wife's affair garyfromla Infidelity 223 19th December 2012 1:38 PM
Trouble with girl I was dating, a bit long thanks to anyone who takes the time fellH Dating 5 4th August 2012 7:13 PM
Marriage in trouble - wife wants time alone bigbuffs Marriage & Life Partnerships 32 12th June 2005 1:10 PM
GF past indiscretion mobius Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 8 31st January 2005 5:22 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:56 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.