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Trouble Getting over Wife's past one time indiscretion while we were dating


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 26th February 2014, 7:42 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by road View Post

Tell your WW that you need the truth and why. Then schedule a polygraph test to confirm that you got the whole truth.


Then there are still men that need a DNA test to put all doubts to rest.
Polygraph?!?! DNA test?!?!
Oh, please.. for God sake.. that happened 20 something years ago.
Don't ever do that, or you may (and will) kill your wife's respect forever.
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Old 26th February 2014, 8:35 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Fer_jo View Post
Thanks again everyone.

I know it happened a long time ago and that I already forgave her all those years ago, but it doesn't mean I don't have feelings now due to the recent events. I am sensitive about hurting my family by causing a problem and bringing all of this up again, which is why I came here for done help and advice.

I am considering some IC.
I agree with your idea of seeing a counselor as it might help you understand why the image of your wife with other guy is so distressing right now. Its possible that you just stored all of your feelings away 20 years ago and you are finally reacting to what happened because you now feel its the right time to face the truth.

One thing to remember is that your wife has proven who she is & the kind of woman she is for these past 20 years. If you love the woman she has been since that incident you need to factor this in to whatever decision you eventually make.

Lots of betrayed husbands are tortured for years by images of our wife having sex with the other man. For me, those images don't come crashing into my head as often as they used to but they still do many years later. Its the kind of thing where I have to accept that what she did then is not who she is now every time those awful memories come back to me. Its still difficult and I know it will cause me pain for the rest of my life.
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Old 26th February 2014, 10:52 PM   #18
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There are going to be some people who come by and make this into a big thing that you should divorce over. I guarantee it. I like Ophelia's advice. If this old wound has opened, sit her down and tell her that it has, why it has, and tell her your fears.

Then weigh what happened over 20 years ago, the fact that she is still ashamed of is manifested in her calling herself a jerk like that, and weigh that against the 20 years of life you have had.

Oh, and if someone tells you to DNA your kids, slap them.


He has not gotten the whole truth. His WW has been trickle truthing him.
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Old 27th February 2014, 7:37 AM   #19
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He has not gotten the whole truth. His WW has been trickle truthing him.
No YOU think YOUR wife has been trickle truthing YOU.

This happened BEFORE they were married, he found out about it at the time, and now he wonders if maybe there is more. He doesn't KNOW there is more.

An honest open conversation makes sense. Coming in insisting on polygraphs and DNA tests is...quite frankly, irrational and neurotic.
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Old 27th February 2014, 9:10 AM   #20
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No YOU think YOUR wife has been trickle truthing YOU.

This happened BEFORE they were married, he found out about it at the time, and now he wonders if maybe there is more. He doesn't KNOW there is more.

An honest open conversation makes sense. Coming in insisting on polygraphs and DNA tests is...quite frankly, irrational and neurotic.




Experience has shown that WW's 99.99% of the time trickle truth. As is it is in a WW's DNA to always do damage control.
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Old 27th February 2014, 9:30 AM   #21
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Experience has shown that WW's 99.99% of the time trickle truth. As is it is in a WW's DNA to always do damage control.
And again, this happened before they were married so she was not a WW

She was a stupid, young girlfriend, and they worked through it 20+ years ago.

The polygraph and the DNA are MB-cult overkill
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Old 27th February 2014, 9:48 AM   #22
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And again, this happened before they were married so she was not a WW

She was a stupid, young girlfriend, and they worked through it 20+ years ago.

The polygraph and the DNA are MB-cult overkill
I agree the polygraph and DNA are overkill but...
does it really matter if they were married or not? They were in a committed relationship.

They didn't work through it 20 years ago - I think it was rugswept and there is misplaced blame on the friend.

Many good deep conversations between these spouses is probably what's called for. But to dismiss it as water under the bridge because it happened before they were married and long ago - well, these things crop up agian because they were NOT resolved.
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Old 27th February 2014, 10:00 AM   #23
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I agree the polygraph and DNA are overkill but...
does it really matter if they were married or not? They were in a committed relationship.

They didn't work through it 20 years ago - I think it was rugswept and there is misplaced blame on the friend.

Many good deep conversations between these spouses is probably what's called for. But to dismiss it as water under the bridge because it happened before they were married and long ago - well, these things crop up agian because they were NOT resolved.
That is true. It should not be dismissed. I think heart to heart conversation is in order. However, if she was afraid to tell everything when she was young, and something new DOES come out, he needs to think about whether that will change their life together since then.
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Old 27th February 2014, 10:38 AM   #24
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OP...do you really Need to hear the details of an indiscretion that happened over 20 years ago? Will it make you feel better? I think not.
The woman you are happily married to is not the young and foolish girl that betrayed your trust and that you supposedly forgave a long time ago. She is obviously still ashamed about that indiscretion...do you need to continue to shame her?
The images that haunt you now are nothing more than your own insecurities...put those images out of your head! They are not reality! Replace those images with the wonderful memories of your marriage...and seek IC if you need help...this is Your issue...
And forget that friend...that friend had nothing to do with any of this...she was just a sorry excuse for an unfortunate situation that your wife got herself into...
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Old 27th February 2014, 10:55 AM   #25
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Ferjo: your wife cheated on you plain and simple. You never really got over it. It is understandable to re-live these thoughts again.

The only way to get this out of your head is to sit down with your wife and ask her what happened. Over and over. Ask as many times as you need. She needs to be 100% transparent and not hide anything.

Try to find a good MC to help you through this.
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Old 27th February 2014, 12:08 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by Fer_jo View Post
To answer some of the posts: my wife does blame herself, it's me who blames her friend (as well). This was probably part of my coping mechanism all of those years ago. Also, she has not fought or questioned my judgement when I told her I was not ok with her resuming any contact with the friend. It should've noted that I did have to make those statements more than once -- for example she brought up some current info about the friend ( she had googled her) but I repeated my position with no argument from my wife.

I'm guessing that my "rug sweep" of all of this was so effective my wife didn't think I had any problem with her friend (prior to me stating so).
This is the problem. The OP thinks that the “friend” should be in the same file in his wife’s brain as the OM. When his wife casually brings up the “friend” she might as well be mentioning the OM.

It would be like saying: I Googled the OM and guess what? He’s married and has three kids. I’ve always wondered what happened to him. The wife doesn’t understand this and the OP needs to tell her.
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Old 27th February 2014, 1:16 PM   #27
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I think there's truth in the last few posts. In my prior rug sweep I did place significant blame on her friend, and yes, when she brought up the friend it may as well have been the OM she was talking about.

I'm really trying for solutions that avoid me bringing this all up again in a manner that is destructive to my wife and children. I realize now I did NOT effectively process/deal with this originally back when it occurred. I am beginning to worry that I may never truly FORGIVE her for what happened whether I let that be known or keep it within my own mind or thoughts. I am innately aware that this is not the healthiest mental fix for my own well-being.

I should also mention that there is some therapeutic value to just being able to get all of this out and discuss it with all of you since I don't have this opportunity in my life (ie: no one to discuss this with objectively without consequences).
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Old 27th February 2014, 2:42 PM   #28
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OP...do you really Need to hear the details of an indiscretion that happened over 20 years ago? Will it make you feel better? I think not.
The thing about getting all of the nitty-gritty details from your WW is that it is her way to show that she is being open and honest about the whole thing. It's a show of good faith. And as strange as it may seem to a non-BH, hearing the details, even the raunchy ones, can be extremely helpful in mitigating the horrible mind-movies that BH's are tortured by. Every nasty detail that is hidden from the BH is filled in by his imagination with sexual details that are far dirtier than reality. At least most of the time.

Open, honest, transparency are the key words for WW to show her BH as he tries to work through her cheating.

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Originally Posted by semicharmedlife View Post
The woman you are happily married to is not the young and foolish girl that betrayed your trust and that you supposedly forgave a long time ago. She is obviously still ashamed about that indiscretion...do you need to continue to shame her?
The images that haunt you now are nothing more than your own insecurities...put those images out of your head! They are not reality! Replace those images with the wonderful memories of your marriage...and seek IC if you need help...this is Your issue...
You do not understand what it is like to be a BH suffering from the images of his wife staring in a porno with some other guy. If you did you would know how ridicules it is to say "put those images out of your head" because "they are not reality" and "replace them with wonderful memories". First off, if it were that easy don't you think he would do this? There are methods and work a BH can do to help him get through these images and, eventually, take away their power over his thoughts but they take hard work and they take time.

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Originally Posted by semicharmedlife View Post
And forget that friend...that friend had nothing to do with any of this...she was just a sorry excuse for an unfortunate situation that your wife got herself into...
Very well put. OP shouldn't waste his emotional energy on the wrong person and this so-called friend is the wrong person. His wife has full responsibility for what she did.
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Old 27th February 2014, 8:25 PM   #29
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Just look at the family you to built any triggers think of the great time u and you soulmate have had. Your mind is your instrument learn to be its master not its slave
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Old 5th March 2018, 1:57 PM   #30
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Correction and Update

So, I was RE-reading this and realized I had a few things incorrectly stated.
1.) She admitted to Oral and then denied it afterwards, stating they only “made out”.
2.) Several years afterwards when we were formally engaged but living together, the same guy called our home asking for her. I had answered the phone and when he identified himself I told him who I was (his classmate) and that we were engaged. He promptly hung up and she acted sheepishly. I always thought it was strange he’d reach out 4 years later if all they did was “make out”.

As Road mentioned in an earlier reply I am sure I don’t have the truth, however I guess I’m not going to blow up my life or marriage over this (20+ years of good history). It is disappointing but we’re too good to ruin it all.
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