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Trouble Getting over Wife's past one time indiscretion while we were dating


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 26th February 2014, 12:46 PM   #1
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Trouble Getting over Wife's past one time indiscretion while we were dating

Long story short- married 22yrs together 30 yrs
2 precious young children. Sorry in advance for how long this post is...

When we met, we instantly clicked and got very serious. I was no virgin but she was and we waited approx 3 months before we actually made love.
She was 19 and I was 21. What we had was so beautiful that I instantly knew I had found my soul mate and she felt the same. At the time I was finishing my junior year at college (A US Military Academy) and I had to continue studies away for approximately 9-12 months. We were both dreading that time apart but felt we could "weather that storm". During this time, she had a girl friend who was jealous of her for having our relationship, and she took advantage of my absence to lead my wife astray. I had been unreachable (at sea) fort approximately 2 months and one night in particular I had these horrible dream - visions and thoughts. When I reached port, I called my wife and she confessed to me that ultimately, her friend had succeeded in leading her astray, such that my wife did have a make out session with one of my classmates and she told me it only went as far as her giving oral to him. I was of course devastated but I loved her so much that I forgave her and said "well now you can't say you haven't had any experience anymore." When I eventually got back, all things resumed as if I never had left and our relationship flourished. After graduation when we lived together (prior to marriage), this friend tried once more with a GNO that really put my then fiancÚ in a bad situation. Their friendship ended after that, and we moved onward with our marriage. Fast forward almost 15 years, and my wife's friend's husband tried to contact her about catching up. I had long since overcome all of this but suddenly, all of the memories came flooding back and I have a huge problem with this now. I told my wife that after thinking about all that her friend did, I absolutely forbid ANY friendship or contact and have a huge problem with anyone that does not respect our relationship or marriage. I also said that I hate that my wife gave my classmate oral, and she sheepishly looked down and called herself a jerk.

My problem now is I think I was trickle truthed (or gas lighted) and that actual intercourse happened. In some ways this should not matter but I am hurt she did not have the moral compass at that time to be faithful to me as I was to her (and have been our entire relationship). I am also reliving this inside as if it was all fresh. My wife has no idea since I would never disturb our marriage today, or worse my beautiful children. I guess I need some help/ideas coping since there is no one I could discuss this with ( I would never tell my family).
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Old 26th February 2014, 1:02 PM   #2
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First of all. This friend of hers. Take it to the bank that her friend didn't put a gun to your wife's head or threaten her family if she didn't cheat with this guy.

That's a cop out. She did it of her own free will and she needed to accept that.

Now to you. You had a choice to cut your loses when she cheated 20 some years ago and you didn't. You chose to stay and now you have kids. After this long if she doesn't have boundaries yet then you got a problem. Cut these people out of your life and tell your wife that you will not have them in your life. I'm sure that she knows this by now, it's a shame that you had put this to rest for this many years and now it comes back and causes a trigger.

I think that both of you can get through this. Good Luck
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Old 26th February 2014, 1:13 PM   #3
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Your Wife's Cheating Before Marriage

Like your wife, I cheated on the man whom I later married. Unlike her, I wasn't engaged, but the young man WAS my boyfriend. One night, I contacted, met up with, and invited over to my place my previous boyfriend and we had intercourse. Like you, my boyfriend never made too much of a big deal of this or we probably would never have gotten married. I don't like to answer questions and don't like myself questioned. I like to be in the right and will not be dominated.

My advice to you is this: go to your wife and demand she answer every question you put to her and also that she be forthcoming, more forthcoming, about what happened. You have a right to put your mind to rest. Until you have done this, you will have doubts. It is up to her to ease your mind, not up to you to swallow every lie and evasion she can come up with.

Intimacy (no secrets about anything) is the heart of a good marriage. Some people, like me, don't want such intimacy. Frankly, I don't have the passion for it and so don't care to be questioned. That is why when my husband got too terribly interested in my activities, I agreed to a divorce.
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Old 26th February 2014, 1:14 PM   #4
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Those people need to stay away and not contact either of you. As far as your wife, you either forgave her or not. If she didn't tell you the truth, it was because she was scared of losing you. She had a terrible lapse in judgment but considering she was inexperienced and very, very young, maybe you can see that she didn't have the experiences you did with life or sex so she was led easily. That doesn't make it right, but to does explain why she did it more. Is she that person now? Can she be so easily led astray from her morals and values? You do need to sit down and talk this out. Let her know (I know it is hard for men to talk about stuff like this) how this affects you so you can reconcile and put this to bed once and for all. Let her know her trickle truth has harmed your trust in her and you expect everything now. No more half truths or trickling.

Last edited by OpheliaSong; 26th February 2014 at 1:17 PM..
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Old 26th February 2014, 1:47 PM   #5
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You are now upset AGAIN about something that happened over two DECADES ago before you were married?


Assuming your wife has been faithful to you throughout your marriage, she was entitled to conclude that you forgave her for a teenaged indiscretion & that you forgave her a long time ago. For heaven's sake, 22 years later she'd probably be out of prison now if she killed the guy rather than just gave him a BJ.


Then 15 years into your marriage -- of 7 years ago -- the bad friend's husband reached out. You didn't say that your wife met them or did anything.




You can't forbid people from doing things. She's your wife, not your child. You can ask out of respect for you & your marriage that she not be in contact with this old friend. Hopefully she will honor that request but if she doesn't. you can't very well lock her up. If she takes up with these people you can always end the marriage but hopefully it won't come to that.


I suggest you talk to her. Explain, quietly & kindly that for whatever reasons all these old feelings & insecurities resurfaced & you're trying to work through them but you need her reassurances.
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Old 26th February 2014, 1:50 PM   #6
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First I'd like to thank you all for the great well thought out responses received in such a short time frame. I guess I am really loathe to bring any of this up for fear of bringing stress and discord into our otherwise happy home.

To answer some of the posts: my wife does blame herself, it's me who blames her friend (as well). This was probably part of my coping mechanism all of those years ago. Also, she has not fought or questioned my judgement when I told her I was not ok with her resuming any contact with the friend. It should've noted that I did have to make those statements more than once -- for example she brought up some current info about the friend ( she had googled her) but I repeated my position with no argument from my wife.

I'm guessing that my "rug sweep" of all of this was so effective my wife didn't think I had any problem with her friend (prior to me stating so). That's a little disappointing but not a huge issue.
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Old 26th February 2014, 1:57 PM   #7
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No one wants to picture their SO engaged in sexual activities with another person (Swingers, lifestyle exception), so these images in my mind are killing me.

I want to put this behind me without causing a huge disruption. Maybe I need IC?
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Old 26th February 2014, 1:59 PM   #8
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There are going to be some people who come by and make this into a big thing that you should divorce over. I guarantee it. I like Ophelia's advice. If this old wound has opened, sit her down and tell her that it has, why it has, and tell her your fears.

Then weigh what happened over 20 years ago, the fact that she is still ashamed of is manifested in her calling herself a jerk like that, and weigh that against the 20 years of life you have had.

Oh, and if someone tells you to DNA your kids, slap them.
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Old 26th February 2014, 2:17 PM   #9
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You forgave her a long time ago, got married, had kids and have made a life together. This happened years ago and it's time to let go and move on. Sure it's a sore spot and all but don't let this snowball into something more, keep it in perspective. Try to fight the images and thoughts of her with someone else, remember that she is YOUR wife now and let go of what happened. Making sure no contact is in place now has happen, close the door, no friendship can happen and it seems your wife knows this too.
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Old 26th February 2014, 6:31 PM   #10
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Honesty in marriage and communication are important for a good marriage.

In a calm manner, sit down with your wife and talk to her about your feelings.

If you do not think that you can do this in a calm manner, then write her a letter. Explain how you are feeling and tell her you would like to get this behind you if possible.

Good luck with your family.
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Old 26th February 2014, 6:58 PM   #11
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Thanks again everyone.

I know it happened a long time ago and that I already forgave her all those years ago, but it doesn't mean I don't have feelings now due to the recent events. I am sensitive about hurting my family by causing a problem and bringing all of this up again, which is why I came here for done help and advice.

I am considering some IC.
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Old 26th February 2014, 7:00 PM   #12
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It is not wrong to demand NC with the toxic GF and her husband. You should ask your WW when they went out did that GF cheat on her husband.


You are not unique. There are many BH's that find out there was an affair 10, 20, 30, years ago and need to know the truth from long ago.


Tell your WW that you need the truth and why. Then schedule a polygraph test to confirm that you got the whole truth.


Then there are still men that need a DNA test to put all doubts to rest.


I think at the minimum you need to find out if that toxic GF cheated as well and get the polygraph test done.
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Old 26th February 2014, 7:12 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fer_jo View Post
she took advantage of my absence to lead my wife astray.
and this, right here, is the crux of the issue. Did your wife's friend make her give head to a guy? How would that work?
You need to hold your wife 100% responsible because she is.
And no, these people ARE NOT friends of your marriage and it sounds like because you blamed the friend, this was rugswept.
i'm so sorry!
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Old 26th February 2014, 7:17 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by road View Post
It is not wrong to demand NC with the toxic GF and her husband. You should ask your WW when they went out did that GF cheat on her husband.


You are not unique. There are many BH's that find out there was an affair 10, 20, 30, years ago and need to know the truth from long ago.


Tell your WW that you need the truth and why. Then schedule a polygraph test to confirm that you got the whole truth.


Then there are still men that need a DNA test to put all doubts to rest.


I think at the minimum you need to find out if that toxic GF cheated as well and get the polygraph test done.
He didn't just find out. he found out THEN. There is no rational reason to suspect his kids are not his.

Stop projecting.

A polygraph is ridiculous as well.

I do think an honest heart to heart is a good idea.
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Old 26th February 2014, 7:37 PM   #15
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Don't let such thing harm your happy family. If needed try to get through this by talking to your wife.

When those images come to your mind, try to remember all the happy times you spent with your wife and daughters. You've been gifted with a lovely wife and sweet 2 babe girls, always remember that!
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