Wife had a 3 year affair and I can't seem to get past it

[bdf3116]

4 months ago I was tipped off someone I had never met that she found out that my wife had been having a three year affair with her fiancee. She found out over a year ago but only recently decided that I should know, as she was under the impression from him that the affair ended in 2012. My wife and I had been married 23 years, have three children, and I was naive enough to think she would never cheat although there were a few times I suspected it but never found anything. So I immediately confronted my wife, and she seemed genuinely remorseful, and said she did it because he always seemed interested in her and we had grown apart the last few years as we got older, I should have listened more and been less irritable--I had gone through a lot of job stress and the death of my parents and various other life things but I do know that I share some blame in setting the groundwork for this. Plus, she is attractive and going through a mid life crisis, wanting to look younger, etc. Important to note that I am not making excuses for her, she never came to me and said she was unhappy, even though our lovemaking had fallen off to once a month when it was routinely once a week years back. We are very busy and I guess I let it get away from me and attributed it to that, we both seemed less interested in sex.

 

So I found out in September, and in November she left her work laptop at home unlocked and I was able to check her email, and to my shock found out that the affair DID NOT end in 2012, but had been going on all of 2013, about every ten days he emailed her wanting to have a rendezvous, remarking constantly about how sexy she was, and they both needed "stress relief". His girlfriend who was his fiancee until she discovered the affair STILL thinks it ended in 2012. So I copied all these emails about dates, leaving work to meet for a couple of hours at motels, parking her car and riding in his to his house to have sex for an hour or so then head back to work. The word LOVE was never mentioned, although there were a couple of "LOL" emails where he asked her when she might leave me for him, she avoided the question in her replies.

 

So I found out EVERYTHING about him, he is 10 years younger than her, and is a sales manager in a hardware store. She is a degreed professional who makes really good money, more so than myself and I know she has resented that. But this guy has only youth and looks, and two children himself by two differrent women. I left several threatening voicemails at his work, then finally talked to him at which time I told him everything I know, and that if he ever attempted to contact my wife again in any form I would take everything I know to the girl who first tipped me off--they were at one time engaged but are working towards getting engaged again as she is unaware that the affair continued right up intil the day I found out, so he has been lying to here all of 2013. I should tell her, but I am afraid of losing my marriage and how it would destroy our three children, so I am using that information as leverage, to make sure that it is over, which he swears and my wife swears it is.

 

In the last four months I have driven by her workplace, gone through here things, and looked everywhere to see if there were any clues that she was being unfaithful again, but have found none. I worry that this angst and hurt is dominating my life, I think about it way too often, at first it was the visual image of her and he together, but lately it has been the image of her looking forward to seeing him, why did she not come to me and tell me there was a problem, since I apparently was too thick to see it, why does she not want to talk about it, just too many things like that that are really affecting me.

 

I need some advice, some help I guess. Please respond, even if it is critical of me or her, I need to talk on this

 

BD

[whichwayisup]

His fiancee has every right to know the truth. She thinks (like you did) that the A had ended. She needs to know so she can make an informed decision if she wants to marry him or not.

 

As for your marriage, your wife has put what you two have shared for the past 23+ years at risk.

 

You can't get 'past it' in four months! It takes 2-4 years to recovery from an affair and that's with both people working together to make it work and wanting to fix things. Going to marriage counseling and being totally honest and being an open book.

 

No decision has to be made now whether you separate/stay together or divorce, but she has to know that ALL CONTACT with the OM has to end now. No contact forever. If she isn't willing to do this, kick her out and let her suffer some consequences of her choices.

So I immediately confronted my wife, and she seemed genuinely remorseful, and said she did it because he always seemed interested in her and we had grown apart the last few years as we got older, I should have listened more and been less irritable--I had gone through a lot of job stress and the death of my parents and various other life things but I do know that I share some blame in setting the groundwork for this.

 

Your wife is broken and has crappy communication skills. To blame you and justify her affair like that is awful! Instead of being loving and supportive, she went outside the marriage to fulfill her needs.

 

Yes you both own the problems in the marriage but it is NOT your fault she cheated and had an affair. That's all on her!

 

Sorry that you're going through this.

[oldshirt]

Have you had either individual or marital counseling? I recommend both ASAP.

[Chi townD]

Okay, here's Mr. Critical! She's going to do this to you again. Maybe with this dude, maybe with someone else. But, there was no consequences to her actions. She didn't lose anything, her affair partner didn't lose anything.

 

So, deep down inside, she knows she can do it again because she knows you're not really going to do anything or go anywhere. That your true fear isn't with her cheating. Your true fear is losing everything and being alone. Now, she knows this.

 

You say she's remorseful. Okay, how remorseful is she? How did she prove how remorseful she was?

[harrybrown]

So you are not talking about it? rug sweeping?

 

You will never get over it this way.

 

Has she become transparent? Has she written you a timeline and diary of the affair?

 

What has she done to make you feel like you are number one in her life? She spent energy planning, lying and betraying you. What is she doing to help?

 

Has she has IC so she can work on her boundaries? How would she feel if you had an affair? Have you tried MC?

 

Have you had her sign an agreement about her paying alimony, child support and giving you a generous property settlement?

 

If she is not transparent and not answering your questions, you need to decide what is your line in the sand. She was caught and continued to cheat.

 

Expose the affair to his fiance. File for divorce and see if your wife wakes up out of the affair fog. If she does, great. If not, she does not respect you. You will not make this work by being nice. Respect yourself. Be a man and tell her she needs to answer your questions.

 

Since she is in an open marriage and forgot to tell you, has she arranged for some young sweet lady for you?

[oldshirt]

4 months ago I was tipped off someone I had never met that she found out that my wife had been having a three year affair with her fiancee.

 

3 YEARS IS A VERY SERIOUS AND DEVELOPED AFFAIR. THIS IS NOT AN OFFICE ATTRACTION THAT GOT OUT OF HAND. THIS IS AN ESTABLISHED LIFESTYLE FOR HER.

 

 

 

I was naive enough to think she would never cheat although there were a few times I suspected it but never found anything. So I immediately confronted my wife, and she seemed genuinely remorseful, and said she did it because he always seemed interested in her and we had grown apart the last few years as we got older,

 

SHE WAS COVERING HER TRACKS. AGAIN THIS IS A LIFESTYLE CHOICE FOR HER. SHE'S REMORSEFUL THAT SHE HURT YOU AND THAT SHE GOT CAUGHT, BUT PROBABLY NOT REMORSEFUL THAT IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

 

 

 

Plus, she is attractive and going through a mid life crisis, wanting to look younger, etc. Important to note that I am not making excuses for her, she never came to me and said she was unhappy, even though our lovemaking had fallen off to once a month when it was routinely once a week years back. We are very busy and I guess I let it get away from me and attributed it to that, we both seemed less interested in sex.

 

SHE HAD LOST SEXUAL ATTRACTION/DESIRE FOR YOU A LONG TIME AGO (perhaps even years prior to affair) SHE MADE A DECISION TO GET HER SEXUAL NEEDS MET OUTSIDE MARRIED BUT CONTINUE TO ENJOY THE BENIFITS OF A STABLE, SUPPORTIVE HOME AN FAMILY. SHE WAS HAVING HER CAKE AN EATING IT TOO.

 

So I found out in September, and in November she left her work laptop at home unlocked and I was able to check her email, and to my shock found out that the affair DID NOT end in 2012, but had been going on all of 2013,

 

THEY JUST WENT FURTHER UNDERGROUND. THEY HAVE PROBABLY GONE WAY UNDERGROUND NOW. PERHAPS EVEN AN AGREED-UPON LENGTH OF TIME OF TOTAL BLACKOUT AND RADIO SILENCE. YOU MAY NEED A PI TO UNCOVER IT NOW BUT ITS STILL THERE LURKING UNDER THE SURFACE.

 

about every ten days he emailed her wanting to have a rendezvous, remarking constantly about how sexy she was, and they both needed "stress relief".

 

AGAIN, THIS IS A LIFESTYLE CHOICE AND PRACTICE FOR HER. HE IS HER PRIMARY LOVER. YOU ARE HER ROOMMATE AND GUY THAT HELPS HER MANAGE THE HOUSE AND KIDS WITH.

 

 

 

His girlfriend who was his fiancee until she discovered the affair STILL thinks it ended in 2012. So I copied all these emails about dates, leaving work to meet for a couple of hours at motels, parking her car and riding in his to his house to have sex for an hour or so then head back to work. The word LOVE was never mentioned, although there were a couple of "LOL" emails where he asked her when she might leave me for him, she avoided the question in her replies.

 

SHE DOES NOT WANT HIM TO REPLACE YOU AS HUSBAND AND FATHER OF HER KIDS. ONLY AS HER LOVER AND SEX PARTNER.

 

 

So I found out EVERYTHING about him, he is 10 years younger than her, and is a sales manager in a hardware store. She is a degreed professional who makes really good money, more so than myself and I know she has resented that. But this guy has only youth and looks, and two children himself by two differrent women.

 

SHE IS PHYSICALLY/SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HIM. IF SHE THOUGHT HE WAS THE BETTER TOTAL PACKAGE AND THOUGHT HER LIFE WOULD BE BETTER WITH HIM "INSTEAD" SHE WOULD HAVE LEFT YOU 21/2 YEARS AGO. SHE WANTS HIM IN ADDITION TO YOU FOR SEX AND EXCITEMENT.

 

I left several threatening voicemails at his work, then finally talked to him at which time I told him everything I know, and that if he ever attempted to contact my wife again in any form I would take everything I know to the girl who first tipped me off

 

 

SOME WILL DISAGREE WITH THAT TACTIC. I THINK IT IS GOOD. SAVE UP ALL EVIDENCE AND AT THE FIRST INDICATION THEY ARE STILL IN CONTACT EVEN IF HE ONLY ALLOWS YOUR WIFE TO CONTACT HIM THEN BLOW IT ALL UP TO THE GF.

 

 

 

I should tell her, but I am afraid of losing my marriage and how it would destroy our three children, so I am using that information as leverage, to make sure that it is over, which he swears and my wife swears it is.

 

THE MARRIAGE AS YOU KNEW IT IS ALREADY OVER. ALL THAT REMAINS NOW IS THE LONG SHOT THAT SHE MAY MAKE A SINCERE EFFORT TO AVOID CONTACT WITH HIM AN TO RECONCILE WITH YOU. THE FIRST HINT THEY ARE TRYING TO MAKE CONTACT WITH THE OTHER, DROP THE BOMB FROM ORBIT AND MOVE ON.

 

In the last four months I have driven by her workplace, gone through here things, and looked everywhere to see if there were any clues that she was being unfaithful again, but have found none.

 

THEY WERE GOOD AT COVERING THEIR TRACKS BEFORE. THEY ARE WORLD-REKNOWN EXPERTS NOW. YOU WILL NEED A PI AND KEY LOGGERS AND RECORDING DEVICES NOW.

 

I worry that this angst and hurt is dominating my life, I think about it way too often, at first it was the visual image of her and he together, but lately it has been the image of her looking forward to seeing him,

 

YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH THIS AND MAY NOT BE ABLE TO RECONCILE THIS EVEN IF SHE DOES EVERYTHING 100 % RIGHT.

 

 

why did she not come to me and tell me there was a problem, since I apparently was too thick to see it, why does she not want to talk about it, just too many things like that that are really affecting me.

 

 

UNDERSTANDABLE.

 

 

 

 

 

Responses capitalized to differentiate from your post.

[Silveron]

Whatever this OM does you cannot worry about. He has no loyalty to you. This falls ALL on your wife. I would highly recommend marriage counseling and full NC with this OM. Any attempts from this OM to communicate with her, she needs to let you know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anything short of this, you will be walking on eggshells. You will be miserable and your wife will use this as justification to see this OM. You have more power in this than you realize and still have a lot to work out. You can't begin to heal with this is continuing.

[Bryanp]

3 years is a long time for a wife to be cheating on her husband and putting him at risk for STD's behind his back. If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would have have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been.

 

I have a hunch that she knew that she could have this 3 year sexual affair and knew if she eventually got caught then you would have forgiven her anyway and therefore she had nothing to lose. It seems that she was correct.

 

By the way if you had not found out she would still be cheating on you behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's. Her actions show that she has absolutely no respect for you or your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Fluttershy]

If you stopped showing your wife you were atteacted to her you made her vunerable. But, when she felt rejected by you she should have told you and communicated this to you. Not gone out and got that need filled on the side. That choice is all on her.

 

If you have to blackmail and bribe her to stay you don't really have her. This is not what trie recociliation looks like. And it shouldn't be at the expense of his girlfriend. Sacrifice her (innocent) happiness for your own?

 

True reconciliation requires complete honesty and sould searching. It takes time and does not involve rugsweeping. It takes your wife seeing that while maybe she wasn't in a good place she used that as an excuse to get what she wanted at your expense. And kept it up for three years. You've pulled her back to reality and she either can work on herself or try to escape back to her fantasy.

 

 

What you have now is a fantasy. Let it go.

[bdf3116]

Wow....

 

I appreciate the input , I am on new ground here and this gives me a lot to consider that I have not as yet. Sh definitely wants to sweep it under the rug. It did not seem to bother that much that she risked so much. We have been getting along great in the last couple of months and I want to believe she would never do it again but I cannot be sure, that bothers me every day. She is very sorry I can see that but I think she I sorry that she hurt me not that it happened.

[oldshirt]

 

I need some advice, some help I guess. Please respond, even if it is critical of me or her, I need to talk on this

 

BD

 

 

What you need is a game plan. At some point you will need to decide whether you will even try for a reconciliation or just cut your losses and move on with as best a divorce settlement as you can.

 

This is still a shock and you are likely still in a lot of disbelief. What you have found and what she has admitted is likely just the tip of the iceberg.

 

I reccommend getting into individual counseling to help you organize your thoughts and feelings and peel back the layers and come up with some options.

 

I also reccommend in no particular order -

 

- You need to know the full extent of what has been going on before you can make an informed decision on what to do. Hire a PI to dig into her activities, hack her computers, phone, put recording devices in her car, house etc. Start questioning her friends and family about what they know and what they've seen.

 

- ask her to find a place of her own on her own dime while you sort things out to decide where to go from here.

 

- give her the option to inform the kids and her family on why but under no circumstances allow her to try to rug sweep or claim that the separation is somehow your fault or for reasons other than what it is.

 

- keep hard copies of her discussions with OM locked up safe and also preferably kept safe with a trusted friend or relative of yours. If she tries to blame you to friends or family disclose the emails.

 

- immediately consult an attorney and accountant. Draw up divorce papers weighed heavily in your favor. Include full custody of minor children for you with her paying child support, spousal support, her carrying kids insurance, you and kids keeping house.

 

- She submits results of STD testing to you.

 

-paternity testing of children.

 

-arraingement to meet in neutral location and go over divorce e papers and all points with her. Just show her, do NOT negotiate it try to work out points. Just show her your intentions in the event of a divorce and that you are undecided whether to file at the moment or not.

 

- whether you file and disclose to family, OM' s GF etc will depend on how well she comes clean, maintains no contact and works towards reconciliation.

 

-ANY breach of no contact results in you filing. Any info that later surfaces that she hasn't disclosed results in filing. Any refusal to hand over phone, passwords, emails, facebook, phone records etc on the spot, results in filing.

 

-She may choose to opt out. If that happens file immediately. He/she who files first usually gets better settlement.

 

If she opts to reconcile, state what you need to not file RIGHT THIS MOMENT, but let it be understood that this is a very grave situation and that she may have irreparably damaged the marriage no matter what happens now.

 

- demand joint marital counseling. Counseling will be required to reconcile and heal should you go that route and should either of you decide to divorce, it will help lessen some of the pain and bitterness and chaos. It will also lessen the fear and pain of the kids.

 

- If she refuses counseling or if she only shows up to lip service to it, it's all washed up anyway so file immediately at that point.

 

- Don't even try to play nice or fair. This is now about your survival and welfare. They have put great thought and effort into living a shadow life and pulling this over on you. Do what you have to do to gather information and protect your home, resources, assets and relationship with your children. This is likley going to end in divorce so position yourself to come out on top when the sht hits the fan. Dedicate your life to not be the one without a chair when the music stops.

 

 

That's what I could come up with for now. Others will have other things to add.

[oldshirt]

Look up "The 180" and start following that.

 

Some people think the 180 is a way to get someone back, it's not. It's a way to save yourself from being played and prolonging the misery and false hope in the process.

 

Sometimes wayward spouses capitulate and come back during the 180 but you have to look at it in terms of self-survival and moving on.

[Bryanp]

She is in what we call damage control. What have been the consequences to her screwing another man behind your back for 3 and putting your health at risk for STD's. I am sure she is indeed sorry......sorry that she caught or otherwise it would still be going on.

 

You are in such denial. She does not wish to change her lifestyle so she tells you she was really sorry for betraying you for 3 YEARS??. Amazing. It seems evident that she knew you would never leave her. Again if the roles were reversed would she be acting like you?

[drifter777]

Wow....

 

I appreciate the input , I am on new ground here and this gives me a lot to consider that I have not as yet. Sh definitely wants to sweep it under the rug. It did not seem to bother that much that she risked so much. We have been getting along great in the last couple of months and I want to believe she would never do it again but I cannot be sure, that bothers me every day. She is very sorry I can see that but I think she I sorry that she hurt me not that it happened.

She hasn't suffered any consequences so what motivation does she have to stop cheating? You say you've been getting along great the past few months but why on earth would you believe you can tell when she's lying and cheating? She fooled you for years and now that you finally found out she will be ultra careful from now on.

 

Don't be held hostage by your WW because you are afraid to be happy. You can be a better father to your children if you are happy and secure instead of worrying, checking, and being tortured by images of him and her. You at least have to put the reality that you will end the marriage into your WW's mind so she knows she is actually risking something if she continues or renews her cheating ways. People don't change unless they have to.

[Buckeye2]

She definitely wants to sweep it under the rug. It did not seem to bother that much that she risked so much.

 

It turned out that she didn’t risk anything. She knows you well, made a bet and won.

 

We have been getting along great in the last couple of months and I want to believe she would never do it again but I cannot be sure, that bothers me every day. She is very sorry I can see that but I think she I sorry that she hurt me not that it happened.

 

If you let her sweep it under the rug, things will slowly not be as great and return to normal (the way they were before). She is being extra nice to shut you up. After some time passes you will not be allowed to bring up the affair again. She will say “That was so long ago, you’re being ridiculous.”

 

You need to let her know that this has permanently changed your marriage and you will never be completely over it.

[road]

You need to DNA the kids.

 

 

STD tests for the both of you.

 

 

Expose the affair. You must tell the OMW/GF, WW's parents, and siblings.

 

 

How did the WW and OM meet?

 

 

How to you know that there is NC between them?

 

 

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[oldshirt]

BDF how old are the kids? Since you've been married 23 years I assume we are not talking about little kids here.

 

 

 

 

I'll be honest, I don't think your marriage can (or even should) be saved. But that is a conclusion you are going to have to come up with on your own.

 

 

While I agree with the context and message of Jthompson's post, I do think both individual and joint marital counseling will be of benefit to you in the long run.

 

 

I don't think it will save your marriage or help you reconcile. But I do think it will help you peel back the layers and see the reality of the situation for what it really is. I also think counseling will help you organize your thoughts and options and help you formulate a game plan to salvage your sanity and dignity and to move on with your life.

 

 

It's easy to overlook and disregard what a bunch of strangers on an internet forum are saying. It's a whole other thing when a dispassionate 3rd party professional that has heard both sides is telling you what their professional opinion is.

[bubbaganoosh]

Friend. You should be pissed! She cheated on you for three years and got away with a hand slap.

 

What you just did was send her a clear message that she can do it again and nothing is going to happen. What your getting from her right now is a phony insincere gloss over. She's waiting for the dust to settle and she's going to be back at it and this time in a way that you are not going to be able to find out.

 

Want to see her gasp for air? Have her served at work with divorce papers. Let her see that her ignorance and selfishness has a to have a consequence. Only then is she going to realize that she has so much to lose.

 

You don't have to complete the divorce, (although if it was me I would) but she would know that her actions are the cause and she has no one to blame but herself. You can call the divorce off if you want.

 

One other thing. How about doing the right thing and letting the other guys fiance know about this. There is no reason for her to tie herself to a bum and she doesn't deserve that. It's the right thing to do.

[Arvin_Solheim]

You shouldn't get passed it, most people cheat once or twice or at the most for a month....No respectable human being cheats for 3 years and stays with their spouse....That's an outrage....You shouldn't waste your time....

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I am afraid of losing my marriage.

 

Your fear of losing the marriage is a huge problem and as long as it is true, you will never get over the cheating. At this point, your fear of losing the marriage is the main thing that keeps you from asking for the things you need from her in order for you to get over the cheating.

 

She cheated, but you are afraid. Not her. You. Think about that.

 

She cheated, the children might be hurt by it, and somehow it falls entirely on your shoulders to keep them from harm. Not her. You.

 

You must make peace with the fact that you may lose your marriage.

 

In my opinion, the more afraid you are to lose your marriage, the more likely you are to lose it. The less afraid you are to lose your marriage, the less likely you are to lose it.

 

There are actions you need to take to save your marriage. You have to stand up for yourself and ask for what you need. You have to get over your fear.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

She is a degreed professional who makes really good money, more so than myself and I know she has resented that.

 

She has resented you making less money than her. Why do you think that is? Do you think she feels it makes you less attractive to her, because she thinks a male should be the main provider?

 

How do you think she feels about you being afraid to say anything to anger her, do you think your fear is attractive to her? Do you think she can sense your fear of losing her? She may leave you if you stand up to her (or she may not), but at least she will respect you.

 

How do you think she would feel if she knew you drive by her workplace and sneak around checking up on her?

 

Why should you have to put up with her bvll**** when she is the one who did you wrong?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

My wife and I had been married 23 years, have three children, and I was naive enough to think she would never cheat although there were a few times I suspected it but never found anything. So I immediately confronted my wife, and she seemed genuinely remorseful, and said she did it because he always seemed interested in her and we had grown apart the last few years as we got older, I should have listened more and been less irritable--I had gone through a lot of job stress and the death of my parents and various other life things but I do know that I share some blame in setting the groundwork for this.

 

she never came to me and said she was unhappy, even though our lovemaking had fallen off to once a month when it was routinely once a week years back. We are very busy and I guess I let it get away from me and attributed it to that, we both seemed less interested in sex.

 

This is at least half the marriages I know of where they've been together 23 years. You fell into a routine, that's half your fault. She didn't do anything to spice things up though, did she? It was routine for you too, right? And you didn't go out and have an affair? But she did. But then again you didn't have a younger woman who was pursuing you. Do you think you would have cheated if you had?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I worry that this angst and hurt is dominating my life, I think about it way too often, why does she not want to talk about it.

 

I need some advice, some help I guess. Please respond, even if it is critical of me or her, I need to talk on this

 

You can't control her, and you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to. You can only control yourself. You can tell her what you need, you can't make her give it to you.

 

What do you need from her?

[thedmc]

I agree with pretty much everyone else. Don't let her just sweep this under the rug and act like it never happened when it did...for 3 years. Confront her about this and let her know how pissed off you really are. Let her know that if it does happen again, You'll let everyone know the kind of woman that she really is. See how quickly she changes her tune then.

[thummper]

When did you confront her about her affair? You really didn't talk about it, but I assume you've had a "discussion" with her about her scandalous behavior. What was her reaction when you told her what you knew? You say you talked with the AP, but you've given no details about what he told you in reply. Has she been remorseful, or is she just lying low, hoping that it will all blow over in time? You really haven't given us much information to go on.