Past Cheating Behavior vs Current Behavior

[Bittersweetie]

I read something in another thread that got me thinking. It was a discussion regarding past behavior as a clue to current behavior, and whether that can change. I didn't want to threadjack (to be honest I can't remember the thread it was in anyway) but I did want to open this up for discussion in regards to infidelity.

 

I am a fWS. My past behavior would say that I would cheat again. However, I did a lot of work on myself to find out why I did what I did and how to cope better with life and stress. I have no intention of interacting with other men in any inappropriate way.

 

But, if my past behavior is a reflection of my current behavior, am I doomed to cheat again anyway? Someone had mentioned stressful times in life can lead to repeat actions. Well, my son's first year was incredibly stressful on me and my marriage. But I didn't contact xOM or troll dating sites. I handled and coped with things differently.

 

Can people change, not cheat a second time? I believe so, but the impetus needs to come from within, not as a reason to keep someone or something like a marriage. I am not the same person I was five years ago by a long shot, but I decided to change for myself, not for my husband or my marriage. I wanted to be more authentic overall.

 

There are examples here on this site of people who did change, and continue to make different choices than they once did. But there are also examples of people who resorted back to their poor coping skills and choices. So in reality I'm not sure if there's a definitive answer of "yes, past behavior shows current behavior" or "no, people can change." Maybe an opinion is based on one's own experiences.

 

Thoughts welcome, thanks.

[yellowmaverick]

You hit the nail on the head. The impetus has to come from within. Yes, people can and do change. Some cheaters recognize the issue within themselves and do the work to fix it. Those who blame other people or circumstances for their poor choices are more likely to repeat the poor choices.

[veritas lux mea]

Since I F'd up of course I got to believe people change. But for me I have to remind myself how terrible I felt. And how my chosen method of medication was terrible. My Mom cheated on my dad when she was 18 and they were dating and as far as I know never cheated again. They are in their sixties.

[AlwaysGrowing]

In my experience, it is those that take ownership, repair inner damage/issues, repair the relationship that they damaged are the best indicators of future behaviour.

 

I always try to remember, that before the choice to cheat was made a WS had a good track record also. And that wasn't a good indicator if they would cheat or not.

 

Also, if your recent history is one where you live life authentically, with strong boundaries.....then that is your current/more accurate/relevant past.

[BHsigh]

Hmm, I live by the mantra "once a cheater, always a cheater". Now I don't take that to mean that they will always cheat again, not at all, I believe that people can prevent themselves from ever going that low again.

 

However I believe that it will always be a part of them, some part of their personality that would allow them to cheat in the first place. I don't believe that ever goes away, no.

[cozycottagelg]

I would guess it has a lot to do with consequences. If you cheat and your spouse finds out and you see the hurt in their eyes and realize the mistake you made, I feel you would be far less likely to do that again.

 

If you cheated and never had a D-day, I don't see much stopping you from doing it again.

[veritas lux mea]

Hmm, I live by the mantra "once a cheater, always a cheater". Now I don't take that to mean that they will always cheat again, not at all, I believe that people can prevent themselves from ever going that low again.

 

However I believe that it will always be a part of them, some part of their personality that would allow them to cheat in the first place. I don't believe that ever goes away, no.

 

I think it is more character than personality. And character can be changed. I was once a cheater but I am not anymore. The title cheater has an active tone to it and implies I am still cheating or always affair ready. I have lied beore but I am not a liar. A liar actively lies. It is like saying once a jerk always a jerk. Once a coward always a coward. Just because cheating is a part of my past and always will be doesn't mean it is who I am now or will be in the future. And I am not going to have such low selfesteem that I allow other people to lable me.

 

I am not a cheater anymore.

[janedoe67]

I believe a combination of what AG, BHsigh, and cozy cottage said. I believe when someone does the work from the inside out they are NOT doomed to cheat again. I also believe now that I HAVE cheated and that barrier was already broken, I need to be even MORE careful. And I do think the more someone "gets away with" something the more they are tempted to do it again.

[BHsigh]

I think it is more character than personality. And character can be changed. I was once a cheater but I am not anymore. The title cheater has an active tone to it and implies I am still cheating or always affair ready. I have lied beore but I am not a liar. A liar actively lies. It is like saying once a jerk always a jerk. Once a coward always a coward. Just because cheating is a part of my past and always will be doesn't mean it is who I am now or will be in the future. And I am not going to have such low selfesteem that I allow other people to lable me.

 

I am not a cheater anymore.

 

I'll agree to disagree, as I'm not going to argue and maybe make someone feel bad about something that they've already dealt with. I'm not trying to mess with anyone's self esteem, particularly since low self esteem is a noted precursor to having an affair anyways.

 

But my point still stands and will never change in my mind, and it will be a deal breaker if I ever divorce and by some miracle try to date again.

 

Notice that I did say in my original post that people can still prevent themselves from cheating and may never cheat again. So I do agree with that part.

Edited February 19, 2014 by BHsigh

[BetrayedH]

It hasn't been discussed here since my early days on LS but I did once cheat on my exwife (back in the days before we were engaged). An old GF had come to town (for whom I felt a lot of emotions - we had lost a child during pregnancy when we were together), I was young and an idiot about boundaries, add in some alcohol and well, it happened. I couldn't hide it at all and was busted/confessed the next day. My GF was gracious and forgiving and I beat myself up pretty badly. I never considered crossing boundaries again, well, not until after my wife's affair anyway. I had a solid 15+ years of staying faithful thru some very tough years and don't think I ever would have cheated again had such turmoil not entered my life.

 

So, I have cheated before (twice, really). Is that a good indicator/predictor of my future behavior? No, it really isn't. That would be ignoring a lot of other context. After what I've been thru, I can't even imagine a scenario where I'd be remotely receptive.

[Waverly]

I'm just now, and very slowly, climbing my way out of an affair I had with a friend. I've never cheated before, and I can't imagine any scenario where I ever would again. I had an A with this person for a lot of reasons that only apply to him, and have applied to him for many years.

 

I'm not saying that those reasons make my affair any more forgivable (in fact, I'd probably argue that they make it less so), but they do make it more of a one-off. I didn't get off on the thrill of it; I actually started seeing a counselor a few months in, because I was so torn up about the guilt of what I was doing, and so horrified at the life I was living. I never want to be in that position again.

 

In other words, I think it - at least in part - depends on the motivation for cheating in the first place.

[BHsigh]

I'm just now, and very slowly, climbing my way out of an affair I had with a friend. I've never cheated before, and I can't imagine any scenario where I ever would again. I had an A with this person for a lot of reasons that only apply to him, and have applied to him for many years.

 

I'm not saying that those reasons make my affair any more forgivable (in fact, I'd probably argue that they make it less so), but they do make it more of a one-off. I didn't get off on the thrill of it; I actually started seeing a counselor a few months in, because I was so torn up about the guilt of what I was doing, and so horrified at the life I was living. I never want to be in that position again.

 

In other words, I think it - at least in part - depends on the motivation for cheating in the first place.

 

I'm glad that you know that your affair is wrong and you went to counseling. However, it sounds as if you're minimizing here, a ONS could be considered a one-off, but a long term affair is not. You merely think of your POSOM as special, which is understandable of course, I'm sure that a majority of WS's think the same. It also sounds like your husband doesn't know yet.

 

In other words, you have the same propensity to cheat as any other person that has cheated. There are no special circumstances, all it takes is telling yourself no and following through with that no.

 

I would go as far as to say that you have a higher risk of cheating again over any of the other WS's that posted here, you've shown your ability to carry on an affair, yet are rationalizing it because POSOM was "special" and not owning it.

Edited February 19, 2014 by BHsigh

[Bittersweetie]

It sounds like, as in many things, one's opinion is based on one's own experience. I guess when I read this whole "past behavior is a sign of future behavior" a small part of me gets scared and thinks, does this mean I'll do this again?

 

But the truth (for me) is that I control my own behavior and based on what I have worked through and gone through, I don't see cheating as an option in any future scenario. For me, in this case, past behavior is not indicative of future behavior.

 

Thanks for the thoughts.

[Tayla]

Since no one can predict the future its impossible to state a SOLID yes or no to this discussion. Its like saying to a child, since you lied today you will lie the rest of your life, you are pre-setting and pre-dooming a person without factoring in the possibility that we have the opportunity to regroup and change our ways.

 

One thing that holds true thru time is , change.

 

I have a place in my heart for redeemed folks, they at least are aware of their past flaws and continue to make strides thru changing that behavior whatever it may be. Its done , one day at a time, no more no less.

[BHsigh]

But the truth (for me) is that I control my own behavior

 

Absolutely correct, it all comes down to control, just because a person has the ability to cheat doesn't mean that they will. Particularly in situations like yours, where you've seen the outcome for yourself and others.

[sidney2718]

I read something in another thread that got me thinking. It was a discussion regarding past behavior as a clue to current behavior, and whether that can change. I didn't want to threadjack (to be honest I can't remember the thread it was in anyway) but I did want to open this up for discussion in regards to infidelity.

 

I am a fWS. My past behavior would say that I would cheat again. However, I did a lot of work on myself to find out why I did what I did and how to cope better with life and stress. I have no intention of interacting with other men in any inappropriate way.

 

But, if my past behavior is a reflection of my current behavior, am I doomed to cheat again anyway? Someone had mentioned stressful times in life can lead to repeat actions. Well, my son's first year was incredibly stressful on me and my marriage. But I didn't contact xOM or troll dating sites. I handled and coped with things differently.

 

Can people change, not cheat a second time? I believe so, but the impetus needs to come from within, not as a reason to keep someone or something like a marriage. I am not the same person I was five years ago by a long shot, but I decided to change for myself, not for my husband or my marriage. I wanted to be more authentic overall.

 

There are examples here on this site of people who did change, and continue to make different choices than they once did. But there are also examples of people who resorted back to their poor coping skills and choices. So in reality I'm not sure if there's a definitive answer of "yes, past behavior shows current behavior" or "no, people can change." Maybe an opinion is based on one's own experiences.

 

Thoughts welcome, thanks.

 

I think each person and situation is different. If a person, you for example, can honestly identify the reasons for the cheating, then there is a chance for fixing things.

 

My view is that the reasons are often a complicated intermixing of actions of the betrayed spouse and the wandering spouse. These have to be disentangled. If the WS is trapped in a loveless and affectionless marriage, then if there is no change in the marriage, cheating a second time is a distinct possibility.

 

If there is a divorce, the WS may well remarry, the conditions of the marriage will be completely different and there may be no cheating at all.

 

In almost all cases the WS has work to do on themselves. But cheating is also situational, as much as we try to deny it. And as we see in many threads here, the BS often has to work on themselves as well, and not just to beef up their "alpha" characteristics.

[gettingstronger]

I wouldn't still be with my husband if I did not deep down think people can change- there would be no reason to even try if I did not believe in redemption and change-

[dichotomy]

It is all dependent on the person, the situation, and knowing themselves, etc.

 

If the cheating was repeated or extensive or long term , I think this person can only realize they have a character flaw and manage it. If one says they are "cured" and would "never again" then they maybe giving up their ability to keep working on it.

 

It certain extreme view of cheating (extensive/major cheating) - this might be like a persons understanding they suffer from depression, have an old injury or illness, or even alcoholism. To ignore, forget, or say you are cured and fine in the here and now - could lead to issues later.

Edited February 20, 2014 by dichotomy

[Pastypop]

Just take things one day at a time. Avoid things/triggers that may have contributed to you having an affair in the first. Avoid or leave situations that may cause an affair. If that doesn't work just think the following thoughts: This man seems so nice to my face but he just wants to use me. He does not value me or my opinions. He would never be there for me if I needed him. I do not want to end up in a situation that I will regret later on. So far, these things have worked well.

[Woggle]

People can change but they need to take a serious look at themselves and take full responsibility for their actions. It is usually a long and somewhat painful process.

[drifter777]

...

In Kirshenbaum, for example, she distinuguishes between affairs which pretty much signal the END of a marriage (exit affairs, split-self affairs) and affairs which signal the need to find something OUT about ourselves (midlife crises, do I still have it affairs, have I missed something affairs, rev'enge affairs, ONSs) In most of these affairs the WS was trying to find out something, finds it out, and once this is achieved, if smart, will end the A and get back into the marriage and start fixing things there.

There is some logic to this, but what if the cheater wants to find out a new thing ever year or so? I mean, if a person is low enough to go have sex with someone else to find out if they are still attractive then why wouldn't they want to find that out again? Especially if they didn't suffer meaningful consequences? This is another theory that doesn't pass my sniff test.

[oldshirt]

Doomed to cheat? Of course not. Everyone ultimately has free will and can choose their actions.

 

What someone's history does show though is how they have acted and reacted in a given set of circumstances. That doesn't mean that can't modify their behavior the the next time similar circumstances arise but it does call for a higher index of suspicion.

 

It's easy to say that you'll never cheat when everything is roses and sunshine and there aren't any good offers on th table.

 

The moment of truth will come when people are feeling bored and lonely and neglected and unappreciated and a golden opportunity from someone smoking hot comes along with the perfect pitch.

 

Once someone has done something, it's always easier to do again later on. One of the big things that cheaters do if find a way to justify it in their own mind. Their own little voice inside their head tells them why it's ok in this one special circumstance to step out.

 

That self-justification always becomes easier and more efficient.

 

The problem is you may build in a defense mechanism so that you won't cheat if circumstances are EXACTLY like they were when you originally cheated. But that little self-justification voice will be working over time to justify why the next situation is different and a special unique case.

 

Someone with a history of cheating is a higher risk than someone who hasn't. It doesn't mean they automatically mean they nor does it mean the person who hasn't cheated before won't.

[Arvin_Solheim]

I used to be a serial cheater....One of my reputations in my hometown is that I cannot be in a committed state for more than a month and until a year ago that was unfortunately true, even though cheating never fulfilled me and usually the affair bored me to death I still did it and I have no idea why(still to this day) I stopped because I knew that next time I would lose the love of my life, and did impossible things to mend her broken heart and some people were impressed by the things I did....I still feel attracted and tingled when a beautiful girl flirts with me subtly....but I don't do it, I remind myself:

"What happened the last time you cheated? you almost lost someone you want to keep with you forever".....That was not a revolution in my personality , it was the very truth of life; when you don't have the power you don't have the freedom to do what you like( I don't have the strength to lose my loved one, thus I lack the freedom to cheat as I like) and I believe that's a pretty strong incentive.

[Snowflower]

I have had some experience with repeat cheating. I can pretty much agree with all the posts in this thread.

 

Slightly off topic perhaps, but an equally pertinent question is what we as BS will do if that past behavior on the part of "our" unfaithful spouse does indicate future behavior.

 

We can only control our actions, not theirs.

[janedoe67]

I have had some experience with repeat cheating. I can pretty much agree with all the posts in this thread.

 

Slightly off topic perhaps, but an equally pertinent question is what we as BS will do if that past behavior on the part of "our" unfaithful spouse does indicate future behavior.

 

We can only control our actions, not theirs.

 

You have lived with your WS and know him better than anyone on a forum. I think that in that case, the BS has to choose for themselves, and I certainly wouldn't stay with someone who was going to cheat again and again.

 

The problem comes when people do not understand that what applies to THEIR WS doesn't always apply to EVERY WS.