need support ending an affair

[unluckyinlove123]

I have never posted to a forum like this i really hope that I can get some help. Please dont be too harsh with comments. I dont think I can really take much more.

 

About a year an half ago I became involved with a married man. At first it was just friendship. I was a stay at home mom, married. I thought happily married, my husband and I never fought or had problems. I wasnt looking for anything. This other man also stayed at home watched kids. We had a lot in common. Our kids were friends and often played together. We began with texting jokes or just sharing advice about household stuff. It was nice to have company. He was interested in me the real me, made me feel special. he was incredible to talk too. I never felt so close to someone. It made me incredibly happy made me want to work harder at everything.Set goals for myself made me excited about life. i was happier with my kids and weirdly with my husband.

 

There came a point where it became physical. It has been a physicality that i have never known. My husband and I have been together since high school ( off and on for 17 years). There was a connection on every level.

I somehow was able to separate my feelings for this MM and my love for my family. I felt as though if I worked really hard at being the perfect mother and wife things would be ok.

 

Over the last 6 months my family and I have moved to a bigger house. I have taken on part time jobs. My stress level has gone thru the roof. But nothing seems real. We moved to this bigger house to have the life we always wanted . Yet it feels empty and pointless. I never wanted to leave my husband. I love my family . The guilt of what I have done is now paralyzing. i often have panic attacks trying to manage everything

 

I have tried to cut things off with MM. we have stopped physically. but he is my best friend. We talk and text still. He still saying he loves me. he knows we cant be together. But its like we are addicted to each other. So much of my day was spent talking to him texting. I feel so alone if i try and cut everything off. But I cant live with the guilt anymore. i hate the lies the deception. I cant tell anyone about this but I m spiraling into a deep depression . I want to work on getting happiness from my family only.

 

Please if there is anyone out there that has been thru this . How can i make things better?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Unfortunately you will never have the relationship you want with your husband as long as you have contact with this man. Believe me when I tell you that I completely understand and sympathize with your situation and how difficult it is.

 

First, does your husband know your OM? Does he suspect an affair at all?

[whichwayisup]

MM is a habit. A crutch and an addiction. Good thing is, that can be undone but you have to be willing to ride out the pain and letting go, grieve and not be afraid of the final pain of ending it and staying in NC mode.

 

You need to get busy with friends and family, make no room for him in your life.

 

You want to text? Text your husband, your siblings or your friends.. NO more MM.

 

Get some counseling in and fix what's broken inside of you. Some where along the way you lost 'you' and reached out to another man instead of turning and communicating with your husband. If you put half as much energy into your marriage that you put into MM, what you feel towards your husband would be stronger.

 

Learn boundaries. Do not befriend men that turns into a friendship that doesn't include your husband. You need a shoulder? husband, family or women friends. Not some other guy who wants to play knight in shining armour.

[tiredofitall2]

I have found very good info on ending an A here. I like the one on how to break the addiction.

 

Affair Resources and Advice | Help for ending an affair, healing, and other notes from my personal wreckage

[unluckyinlove123]

Littlecantbewrong -My husband knows the OM. he has had suspicions about something going on. Found a weird text on my phone about a year ago. I denied it then. saying we are just friends. Hubby and I got thru that part. Things got back to 'normal '. Sinc then he has never asked flat out about OM. just kinda accepted it

 

whichwayisup- thank you for advice. I am trying to find counselling, bc i think your are right. It may be a self esteem issue. and i going to do the NC thing. Is this something you went thru?

 

tiredofit all2 _ thanks for the info

Edited January 6, 2014 by unluckyinlove123

[peruano99]

So you haven't told your H you had an affair yet?

[tiredofitall2]

Littlecantbewrong -My husband knows the OM. he has had suspicions about something going on. Found a weird text on my phone about a year ago. I denied it then. saying we are just friends. Hubby and I got thru that part. Things got back to 'normal '. Sinc then he has never asked flat out about OM. just kinda accepted it

 

whichwayisup- thank you for advice. I am trying to find counselling, bc i think your are right. It may be a self esteem issue. and i going to do the NC thing. Is this something you went thru?

 

tiredofit all2 _ thanks for the info

 

Do you have children? Have you been tested for STDs?

 

Most people here will tell you to confess to your H. I agree with that as I would want to know and most will argue that he has the right to make a decision on whether he stays or goes. The truth is that if you tell him there is a 50% chance that your M will be over. so you will have to make a decision based on that.

 

You will also have to deal with the reality that if he finds out on his own your odds of saving the M will decrease as he will feel deceived. He won't think you are truly remorseful and as you say your guilt will keep eating at you from the inside.

 

But this is a very personal decision and you should talk it over with a MC or in IC.

 

Good luck!

[BetrayedH]

The truth is that if you tell him there is a 50% chance that your M will be over.

 

Based on the stats I've seen, her odds of reconciling are actually much better than 50/50. For couples who were 2 years post-Dday, 70% were still together if there had been a voluntary disclosure. If it is instead discovered, the numbers dropped to 35% (and only half of those reported being happy).

 

I am a huge proponent of disclosure for a variety of reasons. But honestly, I think disclosure isn't your top priority at the moment. You need to establish and MAINTAIN NC with your affair partner. You need to read and reread wishwayisup's post. Everytime you think of your AP, envision a stop sign in your head. Then force yourself to redirect your thoughts to your husband. Spend the next 5 minutes planning something nice for the two of you or sending him a flirty text, etc. The grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it. Get into individual counseling to figure out why you've cheated. Identify why you chose his unhealthy coping mechanism so you're more apt to avoid the use of it in the future (and so your H can feel more confident that he won't suffer a repeat performance). Get your head into the mindset of working on disclosure to him. What you really need to learn is how to live an honest and authentic life. Your marriage will be a sham until you come clean and you will only have tricked him into staying with you. The huge lie between you will preclude real intimacy. Eventually this will have to be fixed. For now, go NC, get into IC, get educated on what it's going to take to help your H recover from this, and build your courage. It CAN be done. The only other option is to lie to your H forever.

 

Keep reading (there's a good thread at the top of this forum, Things That Every Wayward Spouse Needs to Know). Keep educating yourself on affairs. Stop buying into the fantasy. Keep posting and being introspective - stop compartmentalizing your affair away from your "real life." Cheating requires cowardice and conflict-avoidance. You are going to have to find courage. Every decision you make can either dig you further into the rabbit hole or dig you out.

 

Good luck.

[harrybrown]

Your "friend" is not what you think.

 

He lied to his wife and he is lying to you. How many other women does he have on the side?

 

You are living in the land of the unicorns, not reality.

 

How would you feel if your H had an affair? Write your H a diary and timeline of the affair. Go NC with your fantasy man.

 

Have you been tested for stds?

 

Come clean and tell your H the truth.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your husband was betraying, humiliating and disrespecting you behind your back and had put your health at risk

for STD's? At the very least you owe your husband the truth. By not doing

this then you continue to play your husband for a complete fool. Does he really deserve this? Do the right thing and tell him the truth. Otherwise your marriage is now based on a foundation of lies and deceit.

[thummper]

I'll never understand women like you. Apparently you have a wonderful, caring husband, someone who loves and trusts you, and how do you repay that love and trust? You give someone else your love, your thoughts, and your body. He already sort of suspects that you and this POSOM have some kind of relationship, he just doesn't know what kind yet. One way or another, he's going to find out and then what? How will you be able to comfort him through his pain and devastation when you've given yourself to another man!? The poor guy (your hubby not the POS) isn't going to know what hit him. Here all this time he's been thinking that he has a fantastic and fulfilling marriage with his wonderful wife, and all the while she's off on some fantasy with someone else. Will you be able to stand the look on his face when he discovers your betrayal. If you have ANY feeling for him, STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!!!!! As long as you're in contact with the OM, your marriage doesn't have a chance. Think about that the next time you contact your lover boy. I've been told that this forum is for helping people, not condemning them. I'm trying to help your poor husband.

[compulsivedancer]

Going NC is about cutting off your avenues to this man. Block him from your phone, email and social media. Don't attend events you know he'll be at. Divert your attention. I love what BetrayedH said about the grass.

 

Honestly, the thing that made it easiest was disclosure (H found out, and he disclosed widely, so all my friends know now). Of course, my attention was very focused on H after DDay because he needed me very much as we tried to figure out how to stitch this thing back together. But because he knew about OM, it made the opportunity to go back much lower, and the stakes much higher. As long as it's secret, there's no one holding you accountable.

 

Having my friends know meant that I could talk out my feelings about the relationship and have them remind me why I was with H and why it was important to maintain NC.

[happy stillmore]

I will go against the grain here. What if the relationship between you and AP is the real deal? I do believe there is a connection between people that can't be explained. They "get" each other in an incredible way. Sometimes people marry someone who is very different from them. They just don't understand each other. These marriages feel like two separate people while the connected married couple don't have to constantly explain each other and feel so similar that they almost feel like one person.

 

Not all affairs are addictions, ego boosts or only based on sex. The efforts to insult those involved in affairs is obvious on these threads. While I certainly think STDs should be taken seriously, I find it interesting how many people in this short thread already advised the OP to tell the BS to get tested for STDs. I have been married for 20 years and my AP is married for 30 years. It isn't like the WS is sleeping with hookers or prostitutes.

 

My view is affairs occur because something is missing in the WS's life. The connection or attraction may not be there for the spouse. Years after marriage, the disconnect may be evident. It can be downright depressing to realize this. To feel so alone or to feel like there is a void in your life. Everyone longs for their other half. Sometimes, there isn't enough marriage counseling in the world that will bring that necessary spark to the couple. Life can be drab if living with a roommate, instead of the love off your life.

 

Of course, it is ideal and the morally correct thing to do if a marriage dissolves after all attempts to make it work fail before entering into a relationship with another. Honesty is important in all aspects of life. It may be difficult to be painfully honest and tell your spouse you are not happy and not in love with him/her anymore but it is the right thing to do if those are your true feelings. You have to go with your true feelings. If you don't, you are living a fake life. Not authentic living.

 

You have to think about what is your truths in your life. Then be honest with all in your life. You will share your life with whom you choose and will be truly living YOUR life.

[compulsivedancer]

I will go against the grain here. What if the relationship between you and AP is the real deal? I do believe there is a connection between people that can't be explained. They "get" each other in an incredible way. Sometimes people marry someone who is very different from them. They just don't understand each other. These marriages feel like two separate people while the connected married couple don't have to constantly explain each other and feel so similar that they almost feel like one person.

 

Not all affairs are addictions, ego boosts or only based on sex. The efforts to insult those involved in affairs is obvious on these threads. While I certainly think STDs should be taken seriously, I find it interesting how many people in this short thread already advised the OP to tell the BS to get tested for STDs. I have been married for 20 years and my AP is married for 30 years. It isn't like the WS is sleeping with hookers or prostitutes.

 

My view is affairs occur because something is missing in the WS's life. The connection or attraction may not be there for the spouse. Years after marriage, the disconnect may be evident. It can be downright depressing to realize this. To feel so alone or to feel like there is a void in your life. Everyone longs for their other half. Sometimes, there isn't enough marriage counseling in the world that will bring that necessary spark to the couple. Life can be drab if living with a roommate, instead of the love off your life.

 

Of course, it is ideal and the morally correct thing to do if a marriage dissolves after all attempts to make it work fail before entering into a relationship with another. Honesty is important in all aspects of life. It may be difficult to be painfully honest and tell your spouse you are not happy and not in love with him/her anymore but it is the right thing to do if those are your true feelings. You have to go with your true feelings. If you don't, you are living a fake life. Not authentic living.

 

You have to think about what is your truths in your life. Then be honest with all in your life. You will share your life with whom you choose and will be truly living YOUR life.

Happy, she asked for help and support in ENDING the affair.

 

BetrayedH, I liked your "grass is greener" so much that I put it in my signature. Hope you don't mind.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Happy - even if your scenario is correct (and it's a long shot), she still have an obligation to deal with her primary relationship first. She had to tell her husband and deal with her current marriage. It is wise to cut off contact with the AP while she does that - it is the only way to think clearly and make good decisions. Good decisions cannot be made while in contact with the AP.

[happy stillmore]

There came a point where it became physical. It has been a physicality that i have never known. My husband and I have been together since high school ( off and on for 17 years). There was a connection on every level.I somehow was able to separate my feelings for this MM and my love for my family. I felt as though if I worked really hard at being the perfect mother and wife things would be ok.

 

Over the last 6 months my family and I have moved to a bigger house. I have taken on part time jobs. My stress level has gone thru the roof. But nothing seems real. We moved to this bigger house to have the life we always wanted . Yet it feels empty and pointless. I never wanted to leave my husband. I love my family . The guilt of what I have done is now paralyzing. i often have panic attacks trying to manage everything

 

I have tried to cut things off with MM. we have stopped physically. but he is my best friend. We talk and text still. He still saying he loves me. he knows we cant be together. But its like we are addicted to each other. So much of my day was spent talking to him texting. I feel so alone if i try and cut everything off. But I cant live with the guilt anymore. i hate the lies the deception. I cant tell anyone about this but I m spiraling into a deep depression . I want to work on getting happiness from my family only.

 

Please if there is anyone out there that has been thru this . How can i make things better?

 

I am only suggesting for OP to be real with herself. What does she really want? What makes her feeling alive and happy? So many people do the right thing, the expected thing and still are not happy. Doing the expected thing or taking the safe road may not be what leads to self-fulfillment. So many live a mediocre life out of fear. Living a life honestly and true to oneself is what life is about. Just my thoughts.

[happy stillmore]

I have tried to cut things off with MM. we have stopped physically. but he is my best friend. We talk and text still. He still saying he loves me. he knows we cant be together. But its like we are addicted to each other. So much of my day was spent talking to him texting. I feel so alone if i try and cut everything off. But I cant live with the guilt anymore. i hate the lies the deception. I cant tell anyone about this but I m spiraling into a deep depression . I want to work on getting happiness from my family only.

 

Please if there is anyone out there that has been thru this . How can i make things better?

 

OP is depressed because she wants something but is too afraid to tell the truth to anyone. OP doesn't want to hurt her family.

 

I agree with betrayed H. OP should go to IC to determine what you feel is lacking in your life. I also agree that it takes courage to live your life authentically, either with your husband or with AP. You must be honest with everyone.

Edited January 7, 2014 by happy stillmore

[Quiet Storm]

OP, breaking up your family will not make you happy. You know that.

 

You just have to grieve the loss of this guy. Once you allow yourself to process this loss, it will be much easier to focus on your family and find genuine happiness with them again.

 

It takes time, but you have to go through it to get through it. There are no shortcuts or magic pills.

 

If you love your family and really want to keep your family together, you need to see that this guy is a dangerous threat to whats most important to you. If you were a single woman, he may be an option for you. But you aren't. You are a married mom right now. Either be that or get a divorce and be single. Trying to live both lives hurts everyone, you included.

[tiredofitall2]

I will go against the grain here. What if the relationship between you and AP is the real deal? I do believe there is a connection between people that can't be explained. They "get" each other in an incredible way. Sometimes people marry someone who is very different from them. They just don't understand each other. These marriages feel like two separate people while the connected married couple don't have to constantly explain each other and feel so similar that they almost feel like one person.

 

Not all affairs are addictions, ego boosts or only based on sex. The efforts to insult those involved in affairs is obvious on these threads. While I certainly think STDs should be taken seriously, I find it interesting how many people in this short thread already advised the OP to tell the BS to get tested for STDs. I have been married for 20 years and my AP is married for 30 years. It isn't like the WS is sleeping with hookers or prostitutes.

 

My view is affairs occur because something is missing in the WS's life. The connection or attraction may not be there for the spouse. Years after marriage, the disconnect may be evident. It can be downright depressing to realize this. To feel so alone or to feel like there is a void in your life. Everyone longs for their other half. Sometimes, there isn't enough marriage counseling in the world that will bring that necessary spark to the couple. Life can be drab if living with a roommate, instead of the love off your life.

 

Of course, it is ideal and the morally correct thing to do if a marriage dissolves after all attempts to make it work fail before entering into a relationship with another. Honesty is important in all aspects of life. It may be difficult to be painfully honest and tell your spouse you are not happy and not in love with him/her anymore but it is the right thing to do if those are your true feelings. You have to go with your true feelings. If you don't, you are living a fake life. Not authentic living.

 

You have to think about what is your truths in your life. Then be honest with all in your life. You will share your life with whom you choose and will be truly living YOUR life.

 

I don't believe in this magical "love" or soulmates thing for most of us. I think that in most cases love evolves from the first chemical stages and it grows in time due to life experiences, family ties etc. I do believe that A love is purely chemical due to the nature of As. So no, most if not all As have nothing magical or are not destined. M takes a lot of work, communication and understanding. Compromise is another big one. Yes there are people that can possibly be more "compatible", but what would we do? Upgrade every few years as we keep finding more suitable mates? As we change ourselves find people that are more compatible at that stage of our lives? what about commitment?

[Lillyfree]

I am only suggesting for OP to be real with herself. What does she really want? What makes her feeling alive and happy? So many people do the right thing, the expected thing and still are not happy. Doing the expected thing or taking the safe road may not be what leads to self-fulfillment. So many live a mediocre life out of fear. Living a life honestly and true to oneself is what life is about. Just my thoughts.

 

i believe that children come before hedonism and rainbow-chasing.

 

she HAS done what she wanted at one time, which was start a family with someone. with certain things changing your mind half-way through at the expense of everyone else doesn't make you a better person.

there is such a thing as responsibility... and fulfilling your responsibilities, being an honest person and protecting those most vulnerable WILL lead to self-fulfilment, i can guarantee you that.

[Lillyfree]

OP, the advice i can give you as far as ending the A goes is: tell your MM it's over, you've decided to give 100% to your family. then cut off any means of contact .

you will go through a period of pain and withdrawal - i suggest you work through it the best you can and get your head clearer before discussing anything with your husband. for me it took about a month before i've said anything to my husband. for you, it might be less or more.

 

concentrate on your children, be good to yourself and your husband. your family will notice a change with you no matter how much you try and hide what's going on. this is why some people decide to come clean with their husband straight away.

 

be strong. you CAN do this. feel free to PM me when you have the permissions.

[bubbaganoosh]

 

But this is a very personal decision and you should talk it over with a MC or in IC.

Good luck!

 

Maybe she should have talked to a MC before she jumped in bed with Mister Mom.

 

You can get all the advice until it comes out of your wazoo but until you cut this OM out of your life for good, no one can help you.

 

Yeah he's your pal, your buddy, your bff, and lover. That's all fine and dandy if your single but the funny thing is your not and he isn't either.

 

Your husband already thinks that there's something up with you and him and IMO waiting until he has proof. Then what? Think you'll be in that big new house for long?

 

You got a problem lady and until you make a clean break from the OM and for once do the right thing by doing so then sitting down with you husband and letting him know what you've been doing with your coffee clutch friend it's only going to get worse. Then pray to God that he can get over the shot to his heart. If not, look in the mirror and you'll see whose at fault.

[happy stillmore]

I don't understand the statement about A love being purely chemicals due to the nature of A. I believe when people fall in love, no matter the circumstance, there are feel-good chemicals. Just as people say the "affair fog" will lift when the A ends. Feelings fade for those whose marriages end as well.

 

Love isn't about unicorns. Love is about work and commitment. Yes, I said it. Commitment. I know many will skoff at the idea that two AP can fathom the idea of commitment when they obviously do not honor the commitment made to their spouses. I believe there are As where the AP are good people but are cowards. Both looking for the same things in life, understand each other's situations and both afraid to make any big changes in their lives. Once these APs meet and realize they found what they were missing, it is a shame for them to not have a life together.

 

I don't believe people change too much throughout their lives which would require an "upgrade" every couple of years. I believe people often marry young, before being emotionally mature. I believe when you are older, you realize what you truly want. It isn't a matter of a person changing, it is a matter of getting real with themselves and figuring out what you want out of life.

 

Of course, OP loves her family. This is the reason to why she is so conflicted. I propose a mother who is honest with herself and living a life the way she wants would make a happier mom (divorced or married). An excited, enthusiastic Mom ready to live life to the fullest with her children. If she is in a M where she doesn't feel the spark, feels like she is following a script, she would not feel alive. Her children would suffer.

 

Genuine happiness is living an authentic life. Being honest with yourself and with ALL in your life. Honesty can start today. If you find you love your husband, you need to devote yourself to him. Cut out AP from your life. If your heart can't accept a life without AP and you don't feel the love you should for H, then divorce. You will have to keep the communication lines open between you and your child. Stop living a lie. Whatever road you choose, do it for you. You only have one life. Loving yourself does not mean you love your children less.

Edited January 7, 2014 by happy stillmore

[Furious]

I have never posted to a forum like this i really hope that I can get some help. Please dont be too harsh with comments. I dont think I can really take much more.

 

About a year an half ago I became involved with a married man. At first it was just friendship. I was a stay at home mom, married. I thought happily married, my husband and I never fought or had problems. I wasnt looking for anything. This other man also stayed at home watched kids. We had a lot in common. Our kids were friends and often played together. We began with texting jokes or just sharing advice about household stuff. It was nice to have company. He was interested in me the real me, made me feel special. he was incredible to talk too. I never felt so close to someone. It made me incredibly happy made me want to work harder at everything.Set goals for myself made me excited about life. i was happier with my kids and weirdly with my husband.

 

There came a point where it became physical. It has been a physicality that i have never known. My husband and I have been together since high school ( off and on for 17 years). There was a connection on every level.

I somehow was able to separate my feelings for this MM and my love for my family. I felt as though if I worked really hard at being the perfect mother and wife things would be ok.

 

Over the last 6 months my family and I have moved to a bigger house. I have taken on part time jobs. My stress level has gone thru the roof. But nothing seems real. We moved to this bigger house to have the life we always wanted . Yet it feels empty and pointless. I never wanted to leave my husband. I love my family . The guilt of what I have done is now paralyzing. i often have panic attacks trying to manage everything

 

I have tried to cut things off with MM. we have stopped physically. but he is my best friend. We talk and text still. He still saying he loves me. he knows we cant be together. But its like we are addicted to each other. So much of my day was spent talking to him texting. I feel so alone if i try and cut everything off. But I cant live with the guilt anymore. i hate the lies the deception. I cant tell anyone about this but I m spiraling into a deep depression . I want to work on getting happiness from my family only.

 

Please if there is anyone out there that has been thru this . How can i make things better?

 

 

Why can't you be together?

 

I'd bet my last penny if you told the OM you are going to confess the affair to your husband and his wife, you will see a different side to the OM. Odds are he will plead with you not to do this and he will only be interested in saving his own skin and will most likely throw you under the bus to save his marriage if you were to expose the truth.

 

Affairs thrive in secrecy, more often than not they fizzle in the light of day.

[happy stillmore]

Perhaps, that would be the case. Often, those in As are cowards and afraid to hurt people. I would not exactly say A thrive in secrecy. Being kept a secret is what often makes the AP end the A. If this love is real, they would both move mountains and weather the storm together to share the lives as one.

 

It does take courage to make these big life changes. People often take the easy road (staying where they are) for many reasons: fear of hurting others, financial reasons, obligation, etc.

Edited January 7, 2014 by happy stillmore