Wishwell04 Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Okay first of all I am new here. I have a problem and need some support from anyone who has been in a similar situation or anyone who can give me good advice. Okay, I have been married for for a little over 2 years. We have a 5 month old daughter and everything has been great in our relationship. No problems, we rarely fight and no trust issues. Basically alot of it is to good to be true. I used to work for a small law firm of two young men. Both attractive. It was just me and them and another seceratry and we were all real close friends. I went through my pregnancy with them and right after I had the baby I left and started working for another agency and still have close working contact with them, not as close, but I see them maybe once a week. Sometimes longer, sometimes not as long. Anyways, there was always heavy flirting and what not which I thought of has harmless, never any touching or anything. But, yesterday I ran into one of the attorneys and talked for a few minutes. I had said something about he never comes and sees me at my office and never emails me back when I say hello. Well, when I returned to my desk a few minutes later I got an email from him. He says something about I drive him crazy and he has wanted to be with me for the longest time when he is around me he can't control his thoughts and I make his blood boil that is why he avoids me. In so many words. Well, he asked me to call him, so I did on the way home. We talked about the situation and never said anything about actually meeting. Basically he told me he couldn't contain his self anymore. Let me say this, yes there is alot of attraction there between us, alot of sexually build up from all the flirting I think. I will admit I am tempted and it is taking alot to hold me back. Never the less, I will NEVER cheat on my husband. I love him more than I could ever say. I am happy sexually with him also. How can I make these feelings for this other man go away! I don't want to be with him at all!! But, I do wanna continue out friendship though. When the time comes where I actually have to tell him no, I am not sure how I will handle it. Please give me advise on how to control my feelings for him and how to handle the turndown and still keep his friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Totally cease all communication with this guy. Do not call him, Text him, e-mail him, IM him, meet him for lunch... If you are as attracted as you say you are, then if you are around him enough, you will inevitably cheat on your husband. Soon, your will will wear down, and you will be like, "Oh, it's just a pat on the knee." "It's just an arm around my shoulder, it's not that bad." "It's just his hand on my knee. My hubby wouldn't get jealous over that." "It's just a friendly kiss on the cheek. I mean, we're just friends." [font=courier new][color=darkred]"OH CRAP! I just made out with this guy and I SWORE I'd never cheat on my husband. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN????"[/color][/font] Now, you can't say we didn't warn you. Link to post Share on other sites
Artifact Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 The only thing to do is stay away from the temptation. Sorry, this guy can't be your friend anymore. Are you going to get together for a friendly lunch and talk about how hot you two are for each other, then leave and continue on with your lives? STAY AWAY! STAY AWAY! Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 You've gotten good advice, wishwell. By staying in contact with this man to whom you admit you are very attracted, you risk making a very stupid, selfish and, ultimately, destructive choice. I emphasize "choice". There is NO SUCH THING as "swept up in the moment" -- or rather, that may happen but it does nothing to change the basic nature of what a cheater has done. A cheater makes a conscious decision to break the trust of the person who's given it to them. If you're at all worried about your "ability to control yourself", then you must stay away from this man. Period. No contact of any kind. Sorry if this sounds a bit hard -- you haven't done anything yet, I know. The fact that you are tempted doesn't make you a person of bad character; it makes you a human being. Knowing what you know, however, your actions from this point forward will determine whether or not you are a person of bad character. And so far, you don't sound like you are. Make us proud! Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 The only thing to do is stay away from the temptation. Sorry, this guy can't be your friend anymore. Are you going to get together for a friendly lunch and talk about how hot you two are for each other, then leave and continue on with your lives? GUY: I've wanted you for sooo long my loins are burning with undying desire for you." WISHWELL: "I want you so bad too.. oh baby" GUY: "You make my blood boil I can't take it anymore" WISHWELL: "I can't believe you feel this way..I have all this pent up sexual frustration because of you....but I have to go pick up my daughter from daycare and meet my husband for dinner. Lunch tomorrow same time? LOL Could you imagine? STAY AWAY from guy. You have a 5 month old daughter with your husband. your HUSBAND. I know you don't want to lose a friend but do you want to lose a husband and for your daughter to lose a father over a strong attraction you have with another man. Stay away from him he'll have to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
wishwell04 Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Thanks for your good advice. I guess I knew all along that I need to stay away from him, but the fact that we were friends and can no longer but sucks, ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Your marriage is more important then this mega-would-be-screw-up, right? Besides, how much of a FRIEND is he if he's trying to get you to cheat on your husband, and doesn't care about the consequences that would errupt? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Hello, Here is a thought. How would you feel if the roles were reversed with your husband wanting to stay in touch with a woman he enjoys flirting and sexually attracted with? You need to be honest with your husband and discuss this with him or you will be on a path that will destroy your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Just stay away. This is no longer a friendship. This will definitly devastate your marriage. Hope you will listen. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by Wishwell04 How can I make these feelings for this other man go away! I don't want to be with him at all!! But, I do wanna continue out friendship though. When the time comes where I actually have to tell him no, I am not sure how I will handle it. Please give me advise on how to control my feelings for him and how to handle the turndown and still keep his friendship. Hi, As the other posters have said, you have to stay away from this man. And to make your feelings go away, this might sound somewhat simplistic, but stop thinking about the man. Every time you start thinking about him, make a conscious decision to stop and think about how much you love your husband and child. Maybe even think about some past sexual experience your have had with your husband. You want to transfer those feelings back to your husband. And take a look at the advice given about a similar situation on marriagebuilders.com: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5024b_qa.html Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 I think the posters here are giving you some excellent advice. We are all going to feel tempted from time to time. That's part and parcel of being human. However, it's how we HANDLE those temptations that shows what we're really made of. I have a friend who has a good solid marriage with a woman he's been with for over 15 years. They have three children. They are basically very happy. However, as with all marriages, real life can sap away some of the 'romance' and it's easy to take things for granted. He fell 'in love' (or infatuation) with a woman he worked with. He said the feelings were so intense it bordered on painful. He thought about her constantly. She expressed similar feelings towards him. He said it came thisclose to them starting up an affair. But he sat down one day and imagined losing his family. He imagined how he'd feel if someone married his daughter one day and cheated on her. He imagined telling his daughter, "You don't need to be with some jerk who cheats on you," Then he realized he would BE one of those jerks if he cheated on their mom. He QUIT HIS JOB. He took another job in another state. He eventually moved his family closer to his new job. Just to get away from the temptation. That's how much of a good man he was. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 If your husband cheated on you-would you feel the same way? I would never say never. However, if you want to avoid temptation, the thing to do is simply avoid all contact with this man. And tell him. Don't say "I have strong feelings of attraction" say "I am not going to hurt my family by humping you" and stop communication. Link to post Share on other sites
PatientOne Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 If the jerk doesn't take the hint, you may want to let you husband know what he's been up to. A call from your H would most likely end any future contact from this guy. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 If you have a close, loving relationship with your husband (and it sounds like you do), and you can trust him to stay relatively cool and constructive, then ask him for his help. Tell him everything that has been going on and ask him to help you avoid temptation. I am sure he will have some good ideas for you, possibly including a "friendly" phone call to your tempter advising him not to make the mistake of his life. I am sure you will find that this takes the heat and fun out of the whole flirtation, plus gives your husband a chance to protect you, which will make both of you feel more loving (eventually). Of course, you make sure to let him know about your commitment to your marriage, and fidelity. The above advice may sound radical - and it is. It's called "radical honesty", whereby you share EVERYTHING of significance about yourself with your spouse. Most people don't practice it because it can rock the boat. If you're willing to try it, you'll find it can bring two healthy people closer together than you have ever imagined. (If someone is very insecure or abusive, it could be a bad mistake.) Please see <URL removed> for more info. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 I was in a situation a few years ago where I worked with a young, single man, who I was very good friends with. Hung out after work together, he came out to the house and we played card games and BBQ & such (with my husband and other friends). He did not want to be an OM and at first there was no attraction for us --- until someone made a comment about us being a "couple" at work. It was a joke comment, but it was like a light-bulb going on for me. I wanted his friendship---he was one of the few friends I had made on my own, and not through my husband or his friends. This guy was important to me. He knew the situation with my husband and I. We had not had sex in a decade. This guy just couldn't imagine that! Many people can't fathom a celibate marriage. Anyway, the celibacy was my husband's idea, not mine. A sexual energy developed around us. We even talked about having an affair. I almost caved in - I was so drunk on the sexual attention that I was making excuses to not take responsibility and just do it. He almost caved in too. I even talked about it with my husband a bit and he told me he wouldn't blame me because of our lack of a sex life. I had permission from my husband to have sex with this other guy! I didn't have a small child. I didn't have a husband that satisfied my needs. I didn't have these things that you have. What I did was to quit my job. Tell the other guy that I had to get away from him before I did something I would later regret. He understood, because he had come to the same conclusion. He didn't want to lose my friendship either---but we both KNEW it best to cease all contact. I quit the best job I ever had and I've not worked steady or made the same salary since then. But it was the right decision. I changed my focus to my husband. It took some time. Sometimes I would lay away listening to my husband snoring and thinking about it being the other guy in bed next to me. Someone different. Someone who wanted me. Sometimes I would cry from longing---but I got over it. I don't regret quitting that job, even though it's been a struggle ever since. This other guy is no friend -- he wants sex with you. A friend wouldn't. You are not losing anything by stopping all contact with him. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 this post by Hokeyreligions sounds like overdramatized. I almost find it hard to believe. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 I dunno... Hokey's been here awhile, and her story's been pretty consistent. But doubt it if you wish. I agree with some of the others... tell your husband. You haven't done anything wrong yet, like I said, but he should know because only then can he do what he needs to do to inject back into your marriage what you felt with that dickwad. And, if dickwad doesn't take the hint, let your husband call him. That'll serve two purposes: make it more likely that dickwad will stay away, and give you a boost of respect for your husband because he took steps to protect you. And, I agree with whoever else said it... dickwad ISN'T trying to win your friendship. He's trying to get into your pants. He knows you're married and is trying to f*ck you nonetheless. A true friend would have helped you work on your marriage, not try to be an accomplice in destroying it. He's a manipulative, amoral user. That's one thing I've pointed out to my TBXW about her OMs... not sure if she gets it or not. Oh well... her problem now. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Good to know that you are her lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 I know Hokey's story seems extreme. I believe it though. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Good to know that you are her lawyer. Uh... say what? Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 I agree, stay away from him. It would be the best thing for you, your marriage and your family. Link to post Share on other sites
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