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Confirmation that I AM second choice


longjourney

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Just to update the facts. I found out my WH was having a LTA with a MOW. I had a gut feeling which my WH denied outright, and he made me feel like I was crazy. Nonetheless, the truth finally came out. He was having a LTA with a woman that he worked with, but was also in his life personally for years. He had unresolved feelings for her even BEFORE we were married. So DDay happened, he was angry at first, then said he wanted to make it work. He did admit to loving the OW and wanting to leave me for her, but here he was now, going to MC and IC. My heart, life and self esteem were shattered. So we worked on R for months. During which I still found him looking at naked women on the computer. He didn't/doesn't understand how that makes me feel or how that has ANYTHING to do with his LTA. He says he's a guy and ALL guys do it. So we are here, trudging along in R.

 

 

Then a little before Thanksgiving I find a second cellphone, which he had sworn to me DID NOT exist. He was still in contact with the OW, they had NEVER stopped talking. I somehow made it through Thanksgiving.

 

 

So he again told me he wanted to stay with me and that IT was over. So again trudging along and I made it past Christmas. So now against EVERYONES advice I contacted the OW two days ago. She was shocked at first, after all she was in our lives somewhat. She said she figured this day would never come. But the thing is SHE CALLED HIM after both I and her BH finding out about the second cellphone and SHE ENDED IT WITH HIM. She told him she was going to make her M work and that she would not contact him EVER again and she does not want to hear from him either. She did confirm their plans for leaving their spouses, she did confirm the past that they had. The rest of our conversation is a bit of a blur. She did apologize for my hurt, which meant nothing to me, but I give her credit for even thinking to utter those words. How does that happen? Their feelings for each other, the feelings that existed FOR YEARS before they even physically acted on those feelings just disappeared for her?? I went home and told my WH about our conversation. My WH still sits here telling me that it all meant nothing. Do I let myself believe that when now I know his feelings are magically over because she cut him out? He told me she meant nothing to him BEFORE I found the second phone too. So if it meant nothing, why did he get the phone and why was he still talking to her? He says he doesn't know why. Is that really the best answer I can hope for?

 

 

So on the brink of a New Year, on the brink of a breakdown, or on the brink of the end of my M. So my WH again is saying and doing all the right things, but I THOUGHT he was doing that too when I found the second phone. I mean how many walls can I hit, how many times can lies be told directly to my face. This man who I thought loved me, saw me break apart and he held me, yet he was STILL talking to her. So now we might have a chance to make it, but fact of the matter is, that this chance only exists due to THE OTHER WOMAN. How do I resolve the fact that my M may still be intact THANKS TO HER??? Because GOD DAMMIT if he TRULY did love me when we said our vows WHY THE HELL did he cheat on me with the OW for almost our ENTIRE M?? I must have IDIOT written on my forehead, because if I heard this story from a friend or even a stranger I would tell them to get the F away from him ASAP. I mean how stupid and insecure can a person be? Am I to be naïve enough to stay for the kids? Always SO easy to say huh??

 

 

Sorry for all the rambling.

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in reading your past posts, i'd say your husband is playing you for a fool. he even threatened you about exposing his affair. he was never NC with this woman. now that their continued contact has been exposed, they both have settled back into their marriage as a fallback plan.

 

i wouldn't trust him as far as i could throw him.

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...I mean how stupid and insecure can a person be? Am I to be naïve enough to stay for the kids? Always SO easy to say huh??...

You are trying to work out your M, giving your H chance and make it all right not just for yourself but also for the family. That is never stupid. It's brave and merciful.

 

Figure out about the insecurity because that's what holding you back from plotting the way forward. Find every help and opinion you can, be patient and take time properly.

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tiredofitall2

LJ, multiple DDays and back and for dances are very common especially for LTA. You are not second choice, because if you were then most BS are. Well at least those where the A was not a ONS. The BS can never compete with the "fantasy" of an illicit relationship of the A.

 

It is full of excitement and passion and all the good feelings that are generated by such a R.

 

In your M you seal with, bills, the mortgage, the kids, the pets. Whatever. Never as exciting as the "pure and untainted affair R" That is why once the A turns into a real R and if the WS leave for their AP typically they end breaking up and not lasting at all long. They realize it was a mistake leaving their BS, but too often it is too late to come back as the BS has moved on.

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Just to update the facts. I found out my WH was having a LTA with a MOW. I had a gut feeling which my WH denied outright, and he made me feel like I was crazy. Nonetheless, the truth finally came out. He was having a LTA with a woman that he worked with, but was also in his life personally for years. He had unresolved feelings for her even BEFORE we were married. So DDay happened, he was angry at first, then said he wanted to make it work. He did admit to loving the OW and wanting to leave me for her, but here he was now, going to MC and IC. My heart, life and self esteem were shattered. So we worked on R for months. During which I still found him looking at naked women on the computer. He didn't/doesn't understand how that makes me feel or how that has ANYTHING to do with his LTA. He says he's a guy and ALL guys do it. So we are here, trudging along in R.

 

 

Then a little before Thanksgiving I find a second cellphone, which he had sworn to me DID NOT exist. He was still in contact with the OW, they had NEVER stopped talking. I somehow made it through Thanksgiving.

 

 

So he again told me he wanted to stay with me and that IT was over. So again trudging along and I made it past Christmas. So now against EVERYONES advice I contacted the OW two days ago. She was shocked at first, after all she was in our lives somewhat. She said she figured this day would never come. But the thing is SHE CALLED HIM after both I and her BH finding out about the second cellphone and SHE ENDED IT WITH HIM. She told him she was going to make her M work and that she would not contact him EVER again and she does not want to hear from him either. She did confirm their plans for leaving their spouses, she did confirm the past that they had. The rest of our conversation is a bit of a blur. She did apologize for my hurt, which meant nothing to me, but I give her credit for even thinking to utter those words. How does that happen? Their feelings for each other, the feelings that existed FOR YEARS before they even physically acted on those feelings just disappeared for her?? I went home and told my WH about our conversation. My WH still sits here telling me that it all meant nothing. Do I let myself believe that when now I know his feelings are magically over because she cut him out? He told me she meant nothing to him BEFORE I found the second phone too. So if it meant nothing, why did he get the phone and why was he still talking to her? He says he doesn't know why. Is that really the best answer I can hope for?

 

 

So on the brink of a New Year, on the brink of a breakdown, or on the brink of the end of my M. So my WH again is saying and doing all the right things, but I THOUGHT he was doing that too when I found the second phone. I mean how many walls can I hit, how many times can lies be told directly to my face. This man who I thought loved me, saw me break apart and he held me, yet he was STILL talking to her. So now we might have a chance to make it, but fact of the matter is, that this chance only exists due to THE OTHER WOMAN. How do I resolve the fact that my M may still be intact THANKS TO HER??? Because GOD DAMMIT if he TRULY did love me when we said our vows WHY THE HELL did he cheat on me with the OW for almost our ENTIRE M?? I must have IDIOT written on my forehead, because if I heard this story from a friend or even a stranger I would tell them to get the F away from him ASAP. I mean how stupid and insecure can a person be? Am I to be naïve enough to stay for the kids? Always SO easy to say huh??

 

 

Sorry for all the rambling.

 

While not really like my situation, there are some similarities - enough that I wanted to answer this post.

 

It took me a very long time to realize that my XH was just not truthful or faithful. He cheated and he also was into porn, chatting up women on FB, whatever, all the while, telling me he was not and that he loved me and wanted to keep our marriage intact. Well, yes, he might have, but not enough to make the right decisions. The times between cheating (as far as I know) was 13 years. I stayed after the first time and did not after the second. My situation was fairly complicated (with his illness, etc. and if you want to, you could read it), but anyway, I left after the 2nd time. I know, I know, I know, what it is like to question what you should do, especially when you have kids. I also know that you know that no one can tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I wish I had done and I hope it helps.

 

I wish I had not swept it under the rug the first time, as we did. We did go to counseling, but the counselor actually said to me "well, I don't think he is a serial fu**er". Really, that is what she said to help us stay together! I accepted, went on and for the next 13 years I never trusted him completely, but worse - really worse, is that I did not love him like I had. I may not have known him well enough, but I knew me and I should have known that I would never feel the same about any man who would do that to me. Ultimately, I had to face that I had some culpability in the marriage not working - not his cheating, but the general health of the marriage. That sucked to realize I had part in it - but I could not move forward until I did realize it and accept it.

 

I wish I had not thought it was better for my son for me to stay in the marriage. I have no way of knowing whether it was or not and when I am feeling kind to myself, I say it was better for him, but who knows? They have a tenuous relationship and my son is 23 now. My sense, though, is that he would have been fine either way and for me, the years would have been better in between, but again, I have no way of knowing.

 

I wish I had protected myself more financially after the first time, because now I am in a mess that will take me years to get out of. I can't stress this enough.

 

I wish I had done more for myself after the 1st time. I did not and I have worked hard all of my life and should have done more for me - like book clubs, joining the gym, etc., but he was selfish and did what he wanted while I took a back seat to him. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

 

For what it is worth, I think your H is blowing smoke, longjourney, and you are sucking it up. I am not judging you, really, as I have been there, but you have the signs of accepting this horrible situation and moving on. Don't do it! He has cheated on you, lied to you - INTENTIONALLY - for your entire marriage and now comes to you when she no longer wants him? I don't think that is much of a recommendation for staying. My XH also kept talking to the OW, even with me saying this will not work out if you cannot leave her alone. "We are just friends now". Yeah, right!

 

I can't predict what your future will be like without him, but I can tell you I have not been this happy in years and years and years. I am free and I am free of him. I have no desire to be with him at all. Sucks for him, though, as he routinely asks me to reconsider. Not one single time have I even considered it. I AM FREE!

 

Good luck to you, longjourney. Keep going and when you have to, put your head down and keep trudging. It gets easier and it gets better.

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underwater2010
Just to update the facts. I found out my WH was having a LTA with a MOW. I had a gut feeling which my WH denied outright, and he made me feel like I was crazy. Nonetheless, the truth finally came out. He was having a LTA with a woman that he worked with, but was also in his life personally for years. He had unresolved feelings for her even BEFORE we were married. So DDay happened, he was angry at first, then said he wanted to make it work. He did admit to loving the OW and wanting to leave me for her, but here he was now, going to MC and IC. My heart, life and self esteem were shattered. So we worked on R for months. During which I still found him looking at naked women on the computer. He didn't/doesn't understand how that makes me feel or how that has ANYTHING to do with his LTA. He says he's a guy and ALL guys do it. So we are here, trudging along in R.

 

 

Then a little before Thanksgiving I find a second cellphone, which he had sworn to me DID NOT exist. He was still in contact with the OW, they had NEVER stopped talking. I somehow made it through Thanksgiving.

 

 

So he again told me he wanted to stay with me and that IT was over. So again trudging along and I made it past Christmas. So now against EVERYONES advice I contacted the OW two days ago. She was shocked at first, after all she was in our lives somewhat. She said she figured this day would never come. But the thing is SHE CALLED HIM after both I and her BH finding out about the second cellphone and SHE ENDED IT WITH HIM. She told him she was going to make her M work and that she would not contact him EVER again and she does not want to hear from him either. She did confirm their plans for leaving their spouses, she did confirm the past that they had. The rest of our conversation is a bit of a blur. She did apologize for my hurt, which meant nothing to me, but I give her credit for even thinking to utter those words. How does that happen? Their feelings for each other, the feelings that existed FOR YEARS before they even physically acted on those feelings just disappeared for her?? I went home and told my WH about our conversation. My WH still sits here telling me that it all meant nothing. Do I let myself believe that when now I know his feelings are magically over because she cut him out? He told me she meant nothing to him BEFORE I found the second phone too. So if it meant nothing, why did he get the phone and why was he still talking to her? He says he doesn't know why. Is that really the best answer I can hope for?

 

 

So on the brink of a New Year, on the brink of a breakdown, or on the brink of the end of my M. So my WH again is saying and doing all the right things, but I THOUGHT he was doing that too when I found the second phone. I mean how many walls can I hit, how many times can lies be told directly to my face. This man who I thought loved me, saw me break apart and he held me, yet he was STILL talking to her. So now we might have a chance to make it, but fact of the matter is, that this chance only exists due to THE OTHER WOMAN. How do I resolve the fact that my M may still be intact THANKS TO HER??? Because GOD DAMMIT if he TRULY did love me when we said our vows WHY THE HELL did he cheat on me with the OW for almost our ENTIRE M?? I must have IDIOT written on my forehead, because if I heard this story from a friend or even a stranger I would tell them to get the F away from him ASAP. I mean how stupid and insecure can a person be? Am I to be naïve enough to stay for the kids? Always SO easy to say huh??

 

 

Sorry for all the rambling.

Easier said than done, but don't even give a second thought to being the second choice for such a selfish a******.

 

 

Now you need to make choices. None of them are easy. Here are a list of mine if a 2nd dday comes.

 

 

1. Stay for the kids, but never again invest myself in the marriage. In fact, for me it would become a free for all. Like to people parenting in the same home, but no sex or emotional involvement. And no guilt for acting on interests with a SINGLE male.

 

 

2. Divorce without guilt....he did the damage and I deserve better.

 

 

I am so sorry you have been betrayed even further. But I would never believe that he could be faithful in the marriage again.

 

 

Look up something called the 180 and use it!!! It will keep you sane and help you to focus on just you and the kids. To hell with him. Any man/woman that throws away a second chance, isn't worthy of another. HUGS!!!!

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Speakingofwhich
LJ, multiple DDays and back and for dances are very common especially for LTA. You are not second choice, because if you were then most BS are. Well at least those where the A was not a ONS. The BS can never compete with the "fantasy" of an illicit relationship of the A.

 

It is full of excitement and passion and all the good feelings that are generated by such a R.

 

In your M you seal with, bills, the mortgage, the kids, the pets. Whatever. Never as exciting as the "pure and untainted affair R" That is why once the A turns into a real R and if the WS leave for their AP typically they end breaking up and not lasting at all long. They realize it was a mistake leaving their BS, but too often it is too late to come back as the BS has moved on.

 

 

Tiredofitall2, have you experienced what it's like to be in a LTA?

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tiredofitall2
Tiredofitall2, have you experienced what it's like to be in a LTA?

 

No, but it is only expected for a person to be hesitant to leave an LTA and never look back. Just like in a conventional breakup an LTA will probably have the same back and forth behavior. Kind of see it as an addict having a few lapses.

 

I know it won't make the BS feel any better, but I want to make sure the BS it has nothing to do with her or her being 2nd choice and any faults on her part.

 

I had a LTEA and it took "my friend" being a complete bitch before I decided on complete NC.

 

My W had a revenge A and this one we could not recover from. She made too many mistakes that she know recognizes, but the R is way too damaged at this point to fix. My D should be finalized next month. I filed on October.

 

My STBXW was cake eating, lying and telling me she was alone and doing all the deceiving expected from a WS. Probably broke it off a few times with OM, but was o involved emotionally to cut it clean. I made too many mistakes, such as the begging and pleading and the acting insecure etc.

 

The deal breaker is that she had me falsely arrested and it all went down to hell with her crazy fog....

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Sorry that you are going thru this rotten experience.

 

His cheating was his lack of morals, the flaws in his character, not yours. You deserve better.

 

Past behavior is a good prediction of future behavior. His AP is now done with him, you hope. They could take it even further underground. Or he could take up with a new AP. It sounds like he is addicted.

 

He should be moving a mountain to make you stay. He should be giving you all his time and energy. He has killed most of the love or at least the respect that you should have for him. Has he written you a timeline of the affair?

 

Is he scheduling all of the counseling for the two of you? Is he transparent with you? Do you have all of his phones, and all of his passwords?

 

If he is not moving the mountain of pain, you should divorce him. Talk to an attorney to see what would be the result. Have you exposed his actions to his parents, and your family? Exposure is a tool to shine the light on the behavior. Affairs like the dark.

 

I wish you the best in your future, but I do not see happiness with him.

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Sorry that you are going thru this rotten experience.

 

His cheating was his lack of morals, the flaws in his character, not yours. You deserve better.

 

Past behavior is a good prediction of future behavior. His AP is now done with him, you hope. They could take it even further underground. Or he could take up with a new AP. It sounds like he is addicted.

 

He should be moving a mountain to make you stay. He should be giving you all his time and energy. He has killed most of the love or at least the respect that you should have for him. Has he written you a timeline of the affair?

 

Is he scheduling all of the counseling for the two of you? Is he transparent with you? Do you have all of his phones, and all of his passwords?

 

If he is not moving the mountain of pain, you should divorce him. Talk to an attorney to see what would be the result. Have you exposed his actions to his parents, and your family? Exposure is a tool to shine the light on the behavior. Affairs like the dark.

 

I wish you the best in your future, but I do not see happiness with him.

 

This ^^^

 

It has been his responsibility to repair the damage he's caused. Yet, he never intended to do that - he obviously intended to continue lying and covering up - by communicating with her...so he's not capable of considering how YOU must feel.

 

That's not loving behavior!

 

 

Why stay? By staying you make a non verbal agreement with him that you aren't enough for him. By accepting that second position you've short changed yourself.

 

He wants to treat his woman like yesterday's trash? Let that be someone else!

 

You deserve a man who you can trust - who will honor and respect you - he's not that guy.

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confusedandhurt2002

I hate to say ths, but if there was a second phone, he had no intention of ending it. Her ending it, ended it for him. he would have continued withuot that. She should have ended it, but he should haeve a long time ago. I would say his words mean nothing right now and you walk. Sorry. It's just my feeling on it....it will be hard but think of your future with a liar.

 

Just to update the facts. I found out my WH was having a LTA with a MOW. I had a gut feeling which my WH denied outright, and he made me feel like I was crazy. Nonetheless, the truth finally came out. He was having a LTA with a woman that he worked with, but was also in his life personally for years. He had unresolved feelings for her even BEFORE we were married. So DDay happened, he was angry at first, then said he wanted to make it work. He did admit to loving the OW and wanting to leave me for her, but here he was now, going to MC and IC. My heart, life and self esteem were shattered. So we worked on R for months. During which I still found him looking at naked women on the computer. He didn't/doesn't understand how that makes me feel or how that has ANYTHING to do with his LTA. He says he's a guy and ALL guys do it. So we are here, trudging along in R.

 

 

Then a little before Thanksgiving I find a second cellphone, which he had sworn to me DID NOT exist. He was still in contact with the OW, they had NEVER stopped talking. I somehow made it through Thanksgiving.

 

 

So he again told me he wanted to stay with me and that IT was over. So again trudging along and I made it past Christmas. So now against EVERYONES advice I contacted the OW two days ago. She was shocked at first, after all she was in our lives somewhat. She said she figured this day would never come. But the thing is SHE CALLED HIM after both I and her BH finding out about the second cellphone and SHE ENDED IT WITH HIM. She told him she was going to make her M work and that she would not contact him EVER again and she does not want to hear from him either. She did confirm their plans for leaving their spouses, she did confirm the past that they had. The rest of our conversation is a bit of a blur. She did apologize for my hurt, which meant nothing to me, but I give her credit for even thinking to utter those words. How does that happen? Their feelings for each other, the feelings that existed FOR YEARS before they even physically acted on those feelings just disappeared for her?? I went home and told my WH about our conversation. My WH still sits here telling me that it all meant nothing. Do I let myself believe that when now I know his feelings are magically over because she cut him out? He told me she meant nothing to him BEFORE I found the second phone too. So if it meant nothing, why did he get the phone and why was he still talking to her? He says he doesn't know why. Is that really the best answer I can hope for?

 

 

So on the brink of a New Year, on the brink of a breakdown, or on the brink of the end of my M. So my WH again is saying and doing all the right things, but I THOUGHT he was doing that too when I found the second phone. I mean how many walls can I hit, how many times can lies be told directly to my face. This man who I thought loved me, saw me break apart and he held me, yet he was STILL talking to her. So now we might have a chance to make it, but fact of the matter is, that this chance only exists due to THE OTHER WOMAN. How do I resolve the fact that my M may still be intact THANKS TO HER??? Because GOD DAMMIT if he TRULY did love me when we said our vows WHY THE HELL did he cheat on me with the OW for almost our ENTIRE M?? I must have IDIOT written on my forehead, because if I heard this story from a friend or even a stranger I would tell them to get the F away from him ASAP. I mean how stupid and insecure can a person be? Am I to be naïve enough to stay for the kids? Always SO easy to say huh??

 

 

Sorry for all the rambling.

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It shouldn't matter what HE wants now - it should only matter what YOU want!

 

What you want hopefully doesn't include a H who lies, cheats and needs several women to suit his liking.

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experiencethedevine

You don't have to make any decisions right now longjourney.

 

 

If you can't even think straight right now, then is it possible for you to take some time out (I don't know if your children are younger or older) away from home and husband? It might help a little bit to have some clear space and a very good and reliable ear to bend?

 

 

You have endured another trauma, and you will need time to look at it properly.

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You are ALL right. I just told WH I am filing for divorce. I am completely scared but I realize that no matter what he says or does tomorrow or five years from now. It doesnt matter how many "good" family moments we may have I will always know that he chose me because his love, the OW didn't chose HIM, she chose her H. I have lost respect for him and even IF he says and does it all from here on out it doesnt change the fact that he spit on our vows only a few months after we said them. I am "his choice" because he isnt her choice. I am not so stupid as to buy into anything else he may say. Anything else doesnt matter. He stomped all over my heart. If he TRULY loved me.he NEVER would have taken the chance of losing me, hell he wouldnt even have been looking. WE WERE NEWLYWEDS FOR GODS SAKE!! He was with her before during and after my pregnancy. I am not as stupid as some. He cant talk his way back because lets not kid ourselves he only wantsme because it links him to the kids.

 

I am frightened but I told him. Now lets.hope I stick to it. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

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You may want to consider setting aside plenty of money in an account with only your name on it.

 

Hurry... He may leave you with no resources.

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