(Long Post) Found Flirty Work Emails on DH's Phone.

[Coffeegal]

Background: My husband and I have been married for 17+years and e have 3 children. We go thru ups and downs like any marriage especially when it comes to finances. It's been a rough road with bills but we keep going. I love him with all my heart and I would fight anyone if they tried to come between my marriage.

 

Lately, I noticed a change in my husband's ways when it came to his work emails coming thru his phone. I noticed back in November. But since we were not fighting, just being lovable with one another as usual, didn't think nothing of it.

 

Until I saw an email come thru and saw it was from a female. It said something like "OMG did we just go thru the whole day without chatting?" My heart sank! I was shocked. I wanted to know who this person was and why she was emailing my husband if it wasn't about work. He goes, yeah I guess. Real busy at work".

 

I didn't say anything bc I didn't want to argue. I wanted to make sure I wasn't jumping into conclusions before asking my husband first so I went about my business and kept our relationship "normal" but it was eating me up from inside. I was often wondering what their emails were about bc I noticed many were deleted so I couldn't read the whole conversation to prove something was going on. Plus I didn't want my husband to know I was looking thru his phone behind his back.

 

Then I noticed after making comments about making new friends of the opposite sex and how that's a no-no bc we both agreed we should be each other's friend, he changes his PW. When he did that, I knew something was up. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. But even thru that, I kept being a loving wife trying to give him loads of attention.

 

I kept thinking why does he need validation from another woman? Doesn't he love me? Don't I give him enough attention? I was so hurt.

 

After a few arguments about him changing his phone PW, he showed me. And that's when I had to see for myself if those emails were innocent.

 

Turns out he thought he deleted most of the emails on his phone but I was able to retrieve some. I couldn't believe my eyes.

 

One email went like this:

 

Her: she sends him a photo of two beach chairs w/ drinks on a beach.

Him: oh you're trouble. Lol

Her: don't laugh, that could be our lunch date.

Him: could be.

Her: and I'll believe it when it happens.

Him: Trying hard to get away.

 

Anything that was said after that, I don't know. But I was beyond hurt. He would take ME on lunch dates. Why would he "plan" a lunch date with this girl? I felt like my whole world came down. I was so hurt.

 

I also found emails about my mom. She was asking how my mom was feeling. She's been sick but why is he telling her MY business?!

 

I felt as tho they were being way too personal and I had to confront him once & for all.

 

I do want to say this isn't the first time this has happened. I found inappropriate emails sent to my best friend 14 years ago. I forgave but I don't forget. How could I? Nude photos of women he found online were sent to her talking about "How would you like to have oil rubbed all over your body like this?" And it would be a photo of a naked oiled woman.

 

Then last year I found a weird phone number on my husbands line with text messages sent back and forth through your the day for a few weeks. He still says it was work related but deep down inside my heart, I know it was flirty texts. Why would he delete them if they were strictly work-related.

 

I'm not stupid. The heart knows. And my intuition knew.

 

Anyway, this past Monday, I had his phone while he was in the shower and when he came out, I asked him who so and so was. He looked confused like he didn't know who she was. Big mistake! Of course he knows who she is!

 

So he says it just a girl from work and it's nothing but immediately gets angry bc I went behind his back to look at his phone. He said I invaded the little privacy he had and I was f*cked up for being nosey.

 

My philosophy is a married couple should not keep any secrets from one another, especially when it involves a person of the opposite sex.

 

During the heated discussion about the emails, I asked him if they went out on a date. He said no. That didn't sit well with me bc we would go on lunch dates and it hurt me really bad that he would plan a getaway when he had a chance. It was in black & white! How else am I supposed to react?

 

I asked him if she went down on him. He said no with a gross voice and said ewww she's ugly and she's married. No way! (Yeah ok, im sure he liked something about her or else those emails wouldn't happened!)

 

He kept on saying that he couldn't believe I went thru his phone and how messed up I was. I felt like he was trying to flip the situation. Like I did something wrong. Ok I did wrong by being sneaky but I had to find out what was going on bc I was willing to fight for my marriage and my family.

 

He believes that he wasnt doing anything wrong bc it wasn't physical. He was just bored and it was all innocent flirting. Oh bc she's married and has a family. Well he does too.

 

I'm not sure what he meant about bored bc he doesn't want to talk about it. He gets very angry and screams if I do bring up the situation and threatens to leave me if I don't leave him alone with all the questions.

 

I'm not satisfied at all. I need to ask questions bc I know for a fact if it were me and another man emailing each other the same exact things, he would be pissed.

 

The way technology is today affairs start off as a text message or an email. It can be innocent at first but it can quickly turn into something much more.

 

I'm lost. I don't have anyone to talk to about this especially to get another male's opinion about the whole situation. He says to leave him alone, stop asking him stupid questions or this will be the end of us.

 

I also want to add that a few times I tried to send him flirty texts but he always responded with "Get back to work" or "Don't you have work to do?" He never told that witch anything like that!

 

I'm torn bc I feel it will happen again. We/I don't have closure. We haven't set any boundaries. He hasn't told me what he's missing from our relationship bc obviously he needs validation from other women. I just wish he was honest with me and TELL me what he wants and needs.

Edited December 29, 2013 by Coffeegal
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[Coffeegal]

What should I say or do? I'm lost. Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

your husband is cheating on you and he's in total denial right now, blaming YOU and deflecting by saying you f,ked up being nosy by reading his cell and emails.

 

He said I invaded the little privacy he had and I was f*cked up for being nosey.

 

Find out who she is, take the bull by the horns and contact her husband. Talk to the husband, tell him what you know so at least he can put the squeeze on his wife.

 

Your husband is acting like a snake and considering he's done this in the past, he's a real jerk to do this to you again!

 

You've done nothing wrong, this is ALL ON HIM. Both of you are responsible for issues/problems in the marriage but how he's handled it is so wrong and that's ALL on him. If he was unhappy, he could have talked to you, gone to marriage counseling with you. IF he put in half the effort he is putting into this other married woman, maybe he'd be happier. HE is broken inside to want to reach out to someone else outside of the marriage.

 

I say, play hard, play it tough. Take control of this situation. Kick him out and don't cave. Trust me, when he sees what life is like without you, the affair bubble will pop. Tell him to pack a bag and GO to HER. Even if it kills you inside, do it. Tell him you're going to talk to a lawyer too (even if you don't , he doesn't need to know that, let him think that you are!) so he'll stop and think about what he's about to lose.

 

You deserve a loving, kind husband who loves and adores ONLY you. Not a guy who is wanting and needing attention from other women.

 

Don't let him bully you or blame you anymore. This is all on him and it's time you take total. Oh and tell him you're taking an STD test and he better hope everything comes out clean and normal. That ought to scare him, especially if his affair is a physical one with the OW.

[whichwayisup]

What should I say or do? I'm lost. Thank you.

 

Use the alert us key and ask the mods/admin to move this thread to the infidelity section again, you'll get more responses over there. I see you posted there but deleted it.

[Coffeegal]

I emailed the girl and told her that she was messing with the wrong man. And if she wanted to keep her job, to leave him alone.

 

She replied with I'm sorry and all it was just a little innocent flirting, nothing more. She said she was also married and had a family.

 

I replied back by saying flirting, innocent or not, is still flirting. It's wrong and it should've never happened. I also asked her if her husband knew of the flirting, he wouldn't like it one bit.

 

She replied with you're absolutely correct and I sincerely apologize.

 

I haven't noticed anything after that. He states it won't happen again.

 

But I still have questions and he won't answer them. Keeps threatening me that he will leave if I keep on with the stupid BS. But I can't trust him bc of the way he's acting like its my fault.

[whichwayisup]

Make it absolutely clear to this woman that if she continues on with your husband at all, and you find out about it, you WILL contact her husband immediately. 2 pairs of eyes are better than one. She has a lot to lose so hopefully it'll give her a reality check that she can't go messing with someone else's husband.

 

Also, your husband is acting like a real jerk so don't let his threats decide your fate. He is not trustworthy and hasn't been open with you at all.

 

This isn't your fault, it's his and right now he's got his head up his a.ss and isn't anywhere ready to own his actions and choices.

[Coffeegal]

The way he's acting shows me already he doesn't care about me. It's like he's angry at me for snooping bc I c*ck blocked. Ugh hate even thinking that way.

 

I also felt like calling her home to tell her husband. I feel as tho who is she to mess my marriage up while she's home happy and content with her husband. Not fair at all!

 

Btw, thx a lot for the advice and your thoughts. I feel so alone in this. It's not fun and I don't deserve it at all.

[CrystalCastles]

Kick that miserable loser out. Tell him to go to his dear OW.

 

He needs MC and IC. Esp. since he's shown he's capable of repeating this kind of behaviour.

 

Also, don't be so forgiving. Don't simply take him back and forget about it. He needs to be punished so that he'll get that he can't do this to you anymore.

 

This reminds me. A close friend of mine recently found out that her dad is a serial cheater (her parents hid it for her's and her brother's sakes). Her mom takes her dad back every time without an angry word. Don't be a doormat.

[CrystalCastles]

And like whichwayisup said, call the OW husband. For all you know, OW probably apologised in the hopes that she'd get you off her case.

[OpheliaSong]

Look up gas lighting because with yr h deflecting the convo by saying you snooped and he is going to leave you, that is what he is doing. How dare he make this about you when he is flirting and having an emotional affair. Pack his bags and call a lawyer. This will only continue with other women if you let this slide.

[Coffeegal]

Thank you for your input. As of today, we are not speaking (well i don't want to speak to him bc he refuses to talk about situation) I feel like he's acting like a child who's not getting his way so I will be patient for a little bit. He really thinks he did nothing wrong bc it wasn't physical. Like really?

[lollipopspot]

I'm not sure what he meant about bored bc he doesn't want to talk about it. He gets very angry and screams if I do bring up the situation and threatens to leave me if I don't leave him alone with all the questions...

 

He says to leave him alone, stop asking him stupid questions or this will be the end of us.

 

This is really a no brainer, from my perspective (although there may be more complicating details with follow-through). He's threatening to leave. Ask him to leave.

 

Your story is worse than many, because your guy shows no remorse and no willingness to talk about it - and he's already threatening to leave you.

 

It seems to me that your marriage is effectively over. You're not going to be able to go on without talking about this, and he's not interested. He has a history of this. Your best friend - did she tell you or did you discover it on your own?

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for your input. As of today, we are not speaking (well i don't want to speak to him bc he refuses to talk about situation) I feel like he's acting like a child who's not getting his way so I will be patient for a little bit. He really thinks he did nothing wrong bc it wasn't physical. Like really?

 

Mine did the EXACT SAME THING.

 

Kick him out. When he's this far into his arrogance (and you ARE RIGHT IT IS A TEMPER TANTRUM FOR COCK BLOCKING) the only thing that wakes these effers up is the cold winter air on their as*es.

 

I had to learn this the hard way. Then he had to learn it at -20C.

[OpheliaSong]

Is there a reason why you haven't kicked him out yet? Do you believe he did nothing wrong even after all his tantrums and being cruel enough to threaten to leave you for something he did?

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for your input. As of today, we are not speaking (well i don't want to speak to him bc he refuses to talk about situation) I feel like he's acting like a child who's not getting his way so I will be patient for a little bit. He really thinks he did nothing wrong bc it wasn't physical. Like really?

 

Coffee, if you have it in you, really do this: Tell him to pack a bag and get the F out. Until he suffers consquences and you stand up to him, and do NOT back down, he will try to put this all on you. Let him go off. Right now he is NOT the man you married, he is selfish, cruel, a liar and a cheater. I know you're scared and upset, but if you let him control this situation, stay quiet and let him treat you like crap, he will do as he pleases anyway. SO, take the reins here, and tell him to leave and not come back until he's ready to be honest and truthful with you.

 

Ask a trusted friend or family member to come stay with you.

[beach]

I emailed the girl and told her that she was messing with the wrong man. And if she wanted to keep her job, to leave him alone.

 

She replied with I'm sorry and all it was just a little innocent flirting, nothing more. She said she was also married and had a family.

 

I replied back by saying flirting, innocent or not, is still flirting. It's wrong and it should've never happened. I also asked her if her husband knew of the flirting, he wouldn't like it one bit.

 

She replied with you're absolutely correct and I sincerely apologize.

 

I haven't noticed anything after that. He states it won't happen again.

 

But I still have questions and he won't answer them. Keeps threatening me that he will leave if I keep on with the stupid BS. But I can't trust him bc of the way he's acting like its my fault.

 

Then have him leave now! File for divorce!

 

He threatens to end the M because you have questions about him being a douchebag? He should be willing to answer any and all questions a million times!

 

His attitude sucks - he's still cheating and mad that you're paying attention.

 

Call her husband now! Your H needs consequences for his bad behavior! Her H has every right to know what his wife is doing.

 

Have your H leave. He has no right to treat you so terribly.

[experiencethedevine]

As previous posts, you are allowing your husband to treat you with outright disrespect and cruelty.

 

 

Show him what a dignified and strong woman does in response to childish tantrums because you have called time on his external 'entertainment' habits.

 

 

Your children will be fine with a Mother who offers them the vision of respectability and integrity with which to model themselves on as they grow, but witnessing and internalising a Mum who concedes to such vile treatment by their Father will affect them more than you know.

 

 

Many of us here know how frightening it is for you to contemplate the thought of bringing up your children alone, but consider this: do you really want to spend the next 50+ years of your life living as you are right now?

 

 

Be kinder to yourself and your children and show your husband the door. He might come back the man you believed in when you married him, but if he doesn't, you've lost an awful lot of heavy weight preventing you from living a truly wonderful life with someone who respects, admires and appreciates you.................

[Coffeegal]

Honestly I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I haven't spoken to him in days. I can't even look at him bc of how he's treating me. I will try to talk to him tonite.

 

Thanks.

[cozycottagelg]

Honestly I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I haven't spoken to him in days. I can't even look at him bc of how he's treating me. I will try to talk to him tonite.

 

Thanks.

 

I am sure it is very scary. When you speak to him tonight, if he pulls that same crap about leaving because you won't stop with the questions, tell him to go. It doesn't have to be this whole big dramatic thing, you can quietly tell him to leave.

 

I say this because I'm not a knock down drag out person either, and even though I agree with all the posters who are saying "KICK HIM OUT!" "SHOW HIM THE DOOR"...that isn't really my style, much too scary.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Coffee - I would guess that both your husband and the OW are scrambling right now trying to eliminate and cover up any possible traces of inappropriate texting and email right now because you have "discovered" it - they are in panic mode.

 

 

He is in affair, whether emotional or physical (and I'm guessing it's physical).

 

 

If I were you (hopefully you have some proof in hand still?) I would confront him again and tell him if he doesn't come clean with everything you are going to the OW's husband - and then do it.

 

 

This isn't an easy road...

[stillafool]

If you sit by passively and let him get away with blaming you for his screw ups he will have the upper hand and have you so timid you will never look at his phone again. Right now he is trying to train you to mind your business. This OW is a real whore to flirt and text another womans husband. Doesn't she have better things to do? Call her husband and ask him doesn't she have other things to do than whore after your husband. I'm sure he will give you an answer. You are really going to have to get 'bat shyt crazy' on your husband to let him know you mean business and that includes kicking him out if necessary. Don't worry he will wake up and beg to come back. I'm afraid if you don't take a hard stance with him, he will take this underground (so you can't find out anything else) and still cheat. He has it in him to cheat.

[beach]

There is no try - do or do not.

 

I vote for taking action. Have him leave. Otherwise it appears to him that you are allowing it...

 

I don't know what's worse - the obvious cheating (or even intent to disrespect you/the M) or the way he's treating you now that you've noticed he's communicating (or probably cheating) with her.

 

 

It doesn't take many words to deliver a clear message! Simply tell him he's got 10 minutes to pack and leave since he's decided flirting and treating you terribly seems ok to him - and that it's not ok for you.

 

When he asks where he's supposed to go calmly state that his problem to figure out, not yours.

[Mr. Lucky]

He really thinks he did nothing wrong bc it wasn't physical. Like really?

And you know this to be true because... :confused:???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Fluttershy]

This is definitly a 180 situation. You should look it up. He is gas lighting and twisting reality around on you. Trying to mke you the bad guy. It may or my not have got physical but at this point with his not sorry attitude tht matters little. Even if he didn't have physical contact the fact that he doesn't see anything wrong with his treatment of u is terrible. He should be giving you access to everuthing and completely apologetic for sniffing arount this OW. There re people who only think Phyiscal contact his cheating. Is that how you want your marriage to be? Him thinking as long as no touching happens he can flirt and carry on with anyone he wants?

[pteromom]

Start the conversation tonight by apologizing for snooping. Say you realize that snooping wasn't the right thing to do. But then say you want to talk about boundaries and expectations in your relationship. That you were hurt by the flirting with this other woman, and just want him to flirt with YOU like that. That him hiding his friendship with this woman just makes him look guilty even if nothing has been going on. Tell him that in order to move forward, you both need to set boundaries. What is allowed. What isn't. If snooping isn't allowed, that you need to have 100% openness and transparency so there is no need or desire to snoop. Make the conversation about how to fix this moving forward.

 

All that said, there is a high probability that he has been having at least an emotional affair with this woman. His defensiveness, threats, and gaslighting do not point to an innocent man.