I created my Worst Nightmare

[TroubledLife]

Hi all,

 

As I sit here night after night, I am literally dying. I feel depression creeping in, I don't eat and I don't sleep. And it all my own fault.....

 

 

I have a pretty good hunch what is coming form you folks out there, and I am willing to take what is coming. But I need some sort of support (even if its negative) to help my soon to be ex and myself move forward.

 

I had an emotional affair wih a co-worker approx. 8 years ago. My wife and I were struggling then and I had the other woman come into my life and she and I clicked. It was purely emotional. I confessed to my wife in counselling and although she was devastated, she stuck by me.

 

Fast forward 5 years and a career move took us to a smaller town. She never liked it her in the first place, but she stood by me. I started to work closely with a co-worker and we quite quickly read each other and our personalities like a book. Well, long story short, emotional leads to physical. In July (and after many years of negative thoughts in my mind), I had convinced myself that I was missing something and packed my bag, citing I had fallen out of love and grown apart. It has been 6 months now and I am alone, deservingly by all rights. We are talking finances, selling the house, etc. and she is pondering moving away with our two youngest.

 

 

My ex has admitted she is conversing with another fellow whom she says is just support, but all clues point to more. Jealous I am but she is entitled and deserving.

She has also pointed out many of my fibs in the past and it is apparent she has thoughts that I went to the extreme although it has never been admitted.

 

I could sit here and talk about how hurt I am by this new guy but that is so hypocritical. I have ceased any further contact with OW other than for work purposes. I do know, however, that after being out 6 months I have made terrible, life changing, shattering mistakes and I want my perfect, normal,boring life back (which is what I taught myself to hate in the first place.)

 

I don't expect any mercy at all here. I am looking for direction from anyone whom has a similar situation to provide me with guidance on how to best make it right/normal again? Is it fixable? I am counselling as well. I created it and hate myself every day for it.

[TroubledLife]

Additionally, if I am honest and try to fix this, my job is on the line and therefore the livelihood of my ex and children are on the line?

[BeingMe]

Well it's all about you, isn't it?

 

Where is the concern for your wife and what she's going through?

 

Why are you minimising your actions and not talking about their impact on others, not just yourself? (btw, deliberate lies are deliberate lies, calling them fibs doesn't make it better)

 

What you've discovered is that your poor choices have consequences. Your wife has been dealing with this for months, on her own. Have there been any birthdays or anniversaries during that time? She has had to face that all on her own, knowing that you didn't give a hoot about her.

 

And you're sad because finally the consequences are hitting you. Because after playing all these horrible manipulative games with her, your wife may have moved on.

 

Are you in IC? Have you broken all contact off with the AP and any friends who knew about it and didn't tell? Have you worked on your boundaries? Have you thought about what this has done to your wife, your family? Can you empathise? What things did your wife say that she needed you to do so that she could feel safe, so that trust could be rebuilt?

 

Do all of those things.

[TroubledLife]

Are you in IC? Have you broken all contact off with the AP and any friends who knew about it and didn't tell? Have you worked on your boundaries? Have you thought about what this has done to your wife, your family? Can you empathise? What things did your wife say that she needed you to do so that she could feel safe, so that trust could be rebuilt?

 

Thanks you for the response. Please clarify IC? All contact is broken off. I think every day what this has done to my wife and children. My being alone and guilt is my punishment. As mentioned, she likely figures it was physical but I have not had the guts to outright tell her, mainly to spare her the ultimate pain, but who am I kidding. My job/and their livelihood would be on the line as well. I will do whatever is needed to rebuild trust and that means nothing less that facing the consequences

 

I keep replaying the old saying "the truth shall set you free.."

[BeingMe]

IC - individual counselling. It really helps.

 

If you haven't told her the truth, the whole lot, no wonder she's moving on. If you want any hope of reconciliation , you have to be able to be completely honest. The best thing is to prepare a thorough timeline of what happened, when. Because she is going to be looking at the whole marriage and asking herself what was real? When this was happening, did he care? Don't leave anything out. Preparing it may also help you face what you've done. It will be hard, you may want to gloss over details or make out that it was mainly your AP to seduced you etc, but don't, your wife knows you and her gut will tell her if things are missing or if you're lying...and that will make things worse.

 

See this as your only chance to try and rebuild trust. Include everything. Be brave and fight for your marriage. It may not work, but you won't know if you don't try.

[Fredflintstone]

I think it is fixable but it takes two to tango, as the saying goes. This isn't the first time you've done this to her and this time was worse than before. How does she know how many times you've cheated, she doesn't. If your wife isn't interested in R there's not alot you can do except suck it up or hope you can win her back. Clearly you've not been happy, do some soul searching and see if you can pinpoint why. Your wife has probably got to a point where she's just given up on you and wants to find a solid,reliable man who will stick by her and your two children and believe me they are out there. It's going to take alot for you to pull this out of the bag , you're not reliable, trustworthy, honest,dependable....you get the idea.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Question: How is your job on the line, because of this? Why do you think reconciling this time will be different?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

she likely figures it was physical but I have not had the guts to outright tell her, mainly to spare her the ultimate pain, but who am I kidding. My job/and their livelihood would be on the line as well. I will do whatever is needed to rebuild trust and that means nothing less that facing the consequences

 

I keep replaying the old saying "the truth shall set you free.."

 

 

 

The ultimate pain is not knowing the truth.

 

 

The lies after the affair, the "trickle truth," is much more damaging than the affair itself.

 

 

You are a mess. I don't know you, but I can see that. I have no confidence whatsoever that, if your wife DID take you back, that you wouldn't be unhappy with something or other in the future, and cheat on her again. That is your track record.

 

 

This is my advice for you: Do the right thing. Moment by moment, day by day, commit to being a better person. Tell your wife the truth, tell her what you want, tell her you are working on yourself. Then move on knowing that you did the right thing, you did your best, and that is all you can do, you can't change the past, but you can learn from it.

 

 

Some marriages just can't be saved. All you can do is move forward doing the best you can.

[experiencethedevine]

The ultimate pain is not knowing the truth.

 

 

The lies after the affair, the "trickle truth," is much more damaging than the affair itself.

 

 

You are a mess. I don't know you, but I can see that. I have no confidence whatsoever that, if your wife DID take you back, that you wouldn't be unhappy with something or other in the future, and cheat on her again. That is your track record.

 

 

This is my advice for you: Do the right thing. Moment by moment, day by day, commit to being a better person. Tell your wife the truth, tell her what you want, tell her you are working on yourself. Then move on knowing that you did the right thing, you did your best, and that is all you can do, you can't change the past, but you can learn from it.

 

 

Some marriages just can't be saved. All you can do is move forward doing the best you can.

 

 

I am inclined to agree with this. Simply too little to late............

 

 

 

 

Your wife deserves a better life than living with the constant threat that you will do this..............

 

 

If you truly feel any love, (you have no respect) for her, then let her find someone who will treat her with love, honour and dignity.................

[TroubledLife]

I am ever !#%$ed up. I slept 3 rough hours and my mind cannot shake reality here.

 

Yes I am IC.

 

My job will be affected as we are both employees of the same firm and the truth coming out will surely have us both let go

 

She is perfect, in every way, and did nothing to deserve this. She did state that the fact I have become emotional with two women in the past is something she may never get over, let alone the physical part.

 

She is on the verge of leaving and I can almost guarantee no matter how heartfelt/honest I am, the truth will cause more harm than there is right now as she and the girls move, I lose my job, and it all ends. I know, that's the consequences, but as one of you mentioned, reality is setting in.

 

I realize it was never us that was broken, it was me. I am very unhappy internally and have found every excuse/desire to numb that pain, not being smart enough to realize I will lose it all.

 

I am, in fact, losing it all and my deception/desire has done me no good....

[Janesays]

Excuses, excuses. If you really regretted what you had done, you would be honest about it and make amends. Not come up with a ton of excuses of why you 'can't.'

 

My EX cheated on me all that time. But he lied about it until the very end. And in doing so, I lost ALL respect for him as a person.

 

Your wife is no fool. She KNOWS. But the fact that you don't have the nuts to face her about is what is turning you from a man into a worm in her eyes.

 

And there's no coming back from being a worm....

[dichotomy]

Easier said then done but, I would plan to move to the general area (say within 1-2 hours) where your wife and kids are going if possible. Your focus should be on being an accessible and good dad. further along this - if your job is in jeopardy, I assume your networking and applying for jobs anywhere and everywhere with a focus on the area your wife is moving too. Having a secure job or some job - is also a primary focus for you right now. Looking for a job after you are employed is a bitch...companies hate hiring unemployed people and you have to explain why.

 

The marriage is over. One EA and one EA/PA - you got issues or issue being married to this gal. I don't see you saving this - so lets make the next parts the best you can.

 

After you work on securing employment and being a good dad - you need IC and to eat well, exercise and work on yourself. I assume you have apologized and asked for forgiveness from your wife and kids - owned your mistakes. When your wife mentioned a new guy - tell her she deserves a good man and you are sorry you let her down and you wish to be supportive of her happiness and your kids happiness. Oh but still make sure you got a good lawyer and very clear rules on shared custody and visitation.

 

Time for the next chapter in your life but foundations first - job, dad stuff, then your health.

Edited December 28, 2013 by dichotomy

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

My job will be affected

 

the fact I have become emotional with two women in the past is something she may never get over, let alone the physical part.

 

the truth will cause more harm than there is right now.

 

my deception/desire has done me no good....

 

 

I am looking for direction from anyone whom has a similar situation to provide me with guidance on how to best make it right/normal again?

 

 

 

I can't follow your logic. How does it go from you confessing the truth to your wife, to your employer finding out? Do you mean that your wife will tell your employer? You say the truth will cause more harm than good - for you, or for your wife? If it is better for your wife that you keep your job, do you think she will tell your employer about the affair and get you fired?

 

 

Are you saying that you are better able to decide what is best for your wife than she is for herself? So you are lying to your wife for her own good?

 

 

I am looking for direction from anyone whom has a similar situation to provide me with guidance on how to best make it right/normal again?

 

 

You are looking for direction from someone involved in infidelity who has lied to their wife, who wants to make it right, but telling the truth is not an option? So, you are looking for someone to tell you a good lie to tell your wife to make it all better? Isn't that how you got here in the first place?

[BetrayedH]

For what it's worth, I didn't tell my wife's employer about her affair with her boss, even thru a nasty divorce. Trust me, I was tempted but not stupid.

 

I suggest you quit being the one to make judgments about what truth your wife can handle. Continuing to lie to her is disrespectful and frankly, your judgment on this issue sucks. My wife continued to lie as well and that was the dealbreaker, not her affair.

[oldshirt]

Easier said then done but, I would plan to move to the general area (say within 1-2 hours) where your wife and kids are going if possible. Your focus should be on being an accessible and good dad. further along this - if your job is in jeopardy, I assume your networking and applying for jobs anywhere and everywhere with a focus on the area your wife is moving too. Having a secure job or some job - is also a primary focus for you right now. Looking for a job after you are employed is a bitch...companies hate hiring unemployed people and you have to explain why.

 

The marriage is over. One EA and one EA/PA - you got issues or issue being married to this gal. I don't see you saving this - so lets make the next parts the best you can.

 

After you work on securing employment and being a good dad - you need IC and to eat well, exercise and work on yourself. I assume you have apologized and asked for forgiveness from your wife and kids - owned your mistakes. When your wife mentioned a new guy - tell her she deserves a good man and you are sorry you let her down and you wish to be supportive of her happiness and your kids happiness. Oh but still make sure you got a good lawyer and very clear rules on shared custody and visitation.

 

Time for the next chapter in your life but foundations first - job, dad stuff, then your health.

 

 

 

I agree with what Dichotomy has said here.

 

 

You have already subjected her to a bad marriage. If you really want to make amends and try to recover some dignity, at least give her a peaceful and amicable divorce and do your best to be a supportive and involved coparent.

 

 

After the divorce is final, you can devote your efforts to being a loving and supportive father as well as to self-improvement to better yourself and maybe be able to start over and have a healthy relationship with someone else down the road.

 

 

For now, at least give your wife as dignified and fair divorce as possible.

[BetrayedH]

Here's a recent thread with BSs talking about the need for honesty. From what I can tell, it seems you want to reconcile with your wife. If that's your goal, it won't happen without radical honesty on your part.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/449654-commitment-honesty

 

I also recommend you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things that every wayward spouse needs to know.

[tiredofitall2]

I am ever !#%$ed up. I slept 3 rough hours and my mind cannot shake reality here.

 

Yes I am IC.

 

My job will be affected as we are both employees of the same firm and the truth coming out will surely have us both let go

 

She is perfect, in every way, and did nothing to deserve this. She did state that the fact I have become emotional with two women in the past is something she may never get over, let alone the physical part.

 

She is on the verge of leaving and I can almost guarantee no matter how heartfelt/honest I am, the truth will cause more harm than there is right now as she and the girls move, I lose my job, and it all ends. I know, that's the consequences, but as one of you mentioned, reality is setting in.

 

I realize it was never us that was broken, it was me. I am very unhappy internally and have found every excuse/desire to numb that pain, not being smart enough to realize I will lose it all.

 

I am, in fact, losing it all and my deception/desire has done me no good....

 

 

Ok man, I know exactly what you are going through. I was in your shoes. So this is what you have to do.

 

Write a hand written apology letter and state all that you did wrong. I'm not telling you to be detailed or to confess to X,Y or Z. What I'm telling you to do is to own your mistakes and when you write the letter make sure to address all that she already knows. You do not give not even 1 excuse, not even 1! She really doesn't care about the details of how the EA or Pa went, but she cares that you invested yourself emotionally on other women. So, open up in the letter as to what ENs you were missing, but make sure you recognize it is not her fault, but yours. Explain that you should have been more open and sought MC, but selfishly went the A route.

 

Then write a second part explaining what you will do to correct your inner issues that will guarantee this will never happen again. Be very detailed and follow up the plan exactly. It will take a few months....

 

You will have to show a complete 180 and remember that actions speak louder than words.

 

If she does engage with this OM, she will be very confused and chances will diminish because of the added stress to your R. Although you might be able to salvage as time goes by, especially when there are children involved.

 

Now, this new OM, even if it is not confirmed to be a PA it is still an A as long as you are still married and it is wrong, why? because 2 wrongs don't make a right. She should, 1 D first, 2, give herself some time to cope and 3 not involve another human being that can potentially get hurt.

 

She is using him as a rebound a revenge affair and an exit affair and it is not right.

 

That being said, non of this would have happened if you hadn't initiated it. So get to work......

 

P.S. Read some books. Folks here can recommend a few.