waterwoman Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 Right now I am so sad and angry I could scream! Last night H went out to watch the football with a few friends. I learned later that one of them didn't turn up as expected. About midnight H was home and we were turning in. I got a tearful hysterical call from his wife. She had found some texts, had confronted her H and had found out he has been involved with another woman. For 3 years. 3 years!!! The only reason she found them was because he lost his phone and she heard a text received sound coming from a coat pocket and when she looked she didn't recognise the phone - yes it was an affair phone and it was full of messages that blew her world apart (deje vu anyone?). She has kicked him out, and was drunk and in a real mess. Worst of all her 2 boys are home from university and witnessed it all. Her youngest son punched her H. Such a bloody mess. She is normally so contained and calm but I guess this was too much for her and it went crazy They are just about our oldest friends. They came to our wedding and we are the godparents to their eldest son. They have remained friends after dday which I can't say for some of our other couple friends. I don't think it was easy for her as he cheated on her many years ago before they were married and she takes a very hard line on infidelity. I am at work now. But I am driving over tonight to see her. There are times when it seems the world is full of selfish heartless people. Life is so effing bleak. To be totally selfish I am triggering like crazy but I have to be strong and calm for her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 Right now I am so sad and angry I could scream! Last night H went out to watch the football with a few friends. I learned later that one of them didn't turn up as expected. About midnight H was home and we were turning in. I got a tearful hysterical call from his wife. She had found some texts, had confronted her H and had found out he has been involved with another woman. For 3 years. 3 years!!! The only reason she found them was because he lost his phone and she heard a text received sound coming from a coat pocket and when she looked she didn't recognise the phone - yes it was an affair phone and it was full of messages that blew her world apart (deje vu anyone?). She has kicked him out, and was drunk and in a real mess. Worst of all her 2 boys are home from university and witnessed it all. Her youngest son punched her H. Such a bloody mess. She is normally so contained and calm but I guess this was too much for her and it went crazy They are just about our oldest friends. They came to our wedding and we are the godparents to their eldest son. They have remained friends after dday which I can't say for some of our other couple friends. I don't think it was easy for her as he cheated on her many years ago before they were married and she takes a very hard line on infidelity. I am at work now. But I am driving over tonight to see her. There are times when it seems the world is full of selfish heartless people. Life is so effing bleak. To be totally selfish I am triggering like crazy but I have to be strong and calm for her. You never know what couples are dealing with. I hope you are able to help and comfort her and give her words of wisdom. You will be able to help her navigate the next few months. Three years is a very long time - not a one night stand - it won't be easy. I wish you and your friend well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author waterwoman Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 Thanks lilmiss. Call me a big fat lily-livered coward....but I don't want to go . I feel like I just about dragged myself out of the mire and I don't want to go back there. It's going to stir up so much.... of course I will and I will be the strong, caring, dependable person I always am in a crisis..but for the first time ever I will be screaming inside 'get me out of here!' H is shocked beyond belief. Which is ironic Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 Good luck, WW. You've got a lot of wisdom on this subject so I think she picked a good friend to come and support her. Give us an update. And yes, I'm also disgusted that infidelity seems to be everywhere. It's a sad state that the world is in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 I know you don't and I understand it. But I do believe we have a responsibility to help others along in their journey based upon what we have experienced, otherwise it is worth nothing. If you can be of help to your friend, please do so. You might be the only one in her life that will be able to see her through. My best friend walked with me through it all. She didn't understand it because she was never the OW but she was a BS in her first marriage (first husband was a serial cheater). Even though she was upset with me, she finally saw it and saw the grief and heartache. I'm sure she had days where she was exhausted by my fits of mental masturbation, but she stood strong and walked with me - giving me the much needed wisdom and advice even from the BS's side of things (although she can't stand xmom's wife - thinks she is a manipulator). I saw things logically as she helped me through. You can do the same. I wish you strength and endurance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Journee Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 I am so sorry WW. I know how you are feeling. Two of my best girlfriend's ( in the last two or so weeks) found out their bf's are cheating. It does make you wonder if anyone is faithful. It's one or the other/ both cheating it seems. Long term affairs just blow my mind. What a mess for them all during the holiday season. What a good friend you are for going to her. She needs you right now. I know it triggers you hardcore. I was also. I put my " don't trust anyone" glasses back on for a few. Thinking of you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author waterwoman Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 He's gone. For good it seems. She's a mess. When her son hit his dad, she told him to leave to stop the situation escalating. He told her that if he goes he won't be back. He isn't replying to texts or calls. No-one knows where he is. One of her sisters is with her and her mum. The oldest boy is quiet, the youngest is in bits and crying. H can't get hold of him either nor another mutual friend. It just seems so out of character and crazy. I cried all the way home. Have promised whatever help is needed. Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 This guy sounds like a grade A coward. If he goes he won't be back? And he just dropped a nuclear bomb on the family? Nice..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 I would say he is frantic and doesn't know what to do. Give it time - it will shake out in the next few days. I'm so sorry they are dealing with all of this. Tell your husband to keep trying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author waterwoman Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 In case any one is interested, he was AWOL for nearly 3 days. Not answering phone. He was with his sister 30 miles away not, apparently with OW. So he is home, but I have heard nothing more. I have told her that is she wants to talk I am here anytime. But not going to get involved further. Having to sit on my hands to stop me from blasting him by text..... Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Leave him be and just be there for your friend. She is going to need you no matter what path she chooses. And if she chooses reconciliation he will be in your life - so choose your words wisely . The early days after discovery are a whirlwind and very hard (as you know). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Right now I am so sad and angry I could scream! Last night H went out to watch the football with a few friends. I learned later that one of them didn't turn up as expected. About midnight H was home and we were turning in. I got a tearful hysterical call from his wife. She had found some texts, had confronted her H and had found out he has been involved with another woman. For 3 years. 3 years!!! The only reason she found them was because he lost his phone and she heard a text received sound coming from a coat pocket and when she looked she didn't recognise the phone - yes it was an affair phone and it was full of messages that blew her world apart (deje vu anyone?). She has kicked him out, and was drunk and in a real mess. Worst of all her 2 boys are home from university and witnessed it all. Her youngest son punched her H. Such a bloody mess. She is normally so contained and calm but I guess this was too much for her and it went crazy They are just about our oldest friends. They came to our wedding and we are the godparents to their eldest son. They have remained friends after dday which I can't say for some of our other couple friends. I don't think it was easy for her as he cheated on her many years ago before they were married and she takes a very hard line on infidelity. I am at work now. But I am driving over tonight to see her. There are times when it seems the world is full of selfish heartless people. Life is so effing bleak. To be totally selfish I am triggering like crazy but I have to be strong and calm for her. That is such a terrible thing to happen for all of you, and of course brings back all those awful memories that turn your stomach with the violence of empathetic understanding. I'm so sorry. My sincere and heartfelt advice to you (I have been here also) is to ensure that while you give in sincere understanding and sympathy for your dear friend, please conserve some of that energy for yourself. Your husband will be fearful and concerned about you too, and how this might affect the two of you. Come together as a pair united to help, this will keep you safe from unnecessary stress in your own relationship. Hard stuff to deal with and my thoughts are with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I wanted to share this as an afterthought as the question of how prolific adultery is has arisen. About a year out of the affair's dday, my husband and I invited 3 of our favourite couples over for dinner and drinks with us in celebration of my success in acquiring my first sanctuary for women suffering abuse. The building was in need of enormous renovation, but large enough to accommodate women and their children comfortably. Everyone sat around the table and we talked about the development of the project with great excitement. As I sat at the end of the table looking at my guests enjoying good food, good wine and good conversation, it suddenly struck me that I was in fact, the ONLY person at the table who had NOT been clandestinely involved in an illicit affair...................................... Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 This is difficult for you - because of your past with WH. You can offer her support and advise better than most. I am glad in a way her boys are older. To have a son hit a dad - well that just says it tall doesn't it? To loose the respect of your son? Sad. I hope you own husband ramps up his consideration and kindness to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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