Heartbroken

[KMM]

I have been married 8 years and have 2 great kids. My husband and I are high school sweethearts. Sure things are slow and sex lacks a lot because we are both full time professionals and parents. But he's my best friend...I love him. I want to grow old with him.

Yesterday my son had my husbands phone and handed it to me a second. I curiously looked at his messages to see who may have said "Merry Christmas or what not. His first text was labeled unknown. It had at least two pictures that were "selfies" of nudity between a woman and him. I went into shock at that moment. I was at a party with my family and all I could think about was getting out of there.

About 1 hr later once we got home....I asked him if he was cheating on me? He said no and wanted to know why I asked. I told him what I saw. He then admitted over the next day that this was part of a initially innocent text relationship that he was having with a patient. He is a self-employed medical professional. I knew that she texted him about a year ago. We talked at that time that it was inappropriate. He chalked it up to it being about sport talk and that she reached out to him sometimes when she was depressed. Time went on and I trusted that things were merely innocent talk.

Now 3-4 myths ago apparently she started to text him sexual pics. He thinks that none were selfies but Internet photos. He claims he never reciprocated but instead tried to play it off by changing the subject. He says he knows it was wrong. He claims when he sees her in person, it is business and he treats her but later she texts him. She does it drunk a lot.

I hurt so bad. I hated to find this knowing he was keeping it from me. He says he is going to put a stop to it immediately but how do I really know that. I feel like dirt right now. I do not want to lose the great life and family I thought we had.

I need someone to talk to.....

[whatatangledweb]

I am really sorry but I believe he is lying. He is having an affair with this person. If it was a patient he would know that texting was unprofessional and he would have stopped it. Plus you do not give a patient your personal number. Look at his phone and texts records on the phone bill. Look at cc statements. Make him block her number as he should have done when it first happened. Also make sure he no longer has her as a patient .

 

I am sorry you are hurting. It is one of the most painful things I have ever gone through.

[manticore]

gonna make various posts

 

if and I remark the if everything you husband is telling you is the truth, he engaged what is know as EA (emotional affair) and yes is considered cheating even if there have not been physical contact (it can be as painful for the betrayed spouse as a physical affair, includes bashing the spouses, pleding eternal love, sharing secrets of thoughts they have not shared with the espouse, exchanging sex pics, having cyber sex, etc) I advice you to search the terminology and everything associated to it.

 

EAs normally evolve to PAs and become full blown affairs, in most cases are initiated for male predators to made the woman be emotinally engaged to him instead of her spouse, and then initiate a PA, is true that in some cases is accidental for both parts involved (like when the marrige is in a slump) and they begin to share more with the other person tan their own espouses, also but not as frecuent they are initiated by women.

[manticore]

He then admitted over the next day that this was part of a initially innocent text relationship

 

yes they are normally initiated innocently, most of the times one of the parts seeks to engages emotinally the other person, but in some cases is just accidental

 

He chalked it up to it being about sport talk....... I trusted that things were merely innocent talk.

 

all of this could had been true at the time.

 

Now 3-4 myths ago apparently she started to text him sexual pics.

 

also possibe

 

He claims he never reciprocated but instead tried to play it off by changing the subject.

 

most likely a lie, or she would had stopped sending him pictures, he probably continued conversations with her and even encouraged her to keep doing it with flattery, believing in his version she is the agressor so her porpouse is ultimately tempting to cheat so as long as she don't receive discouragement she will keep doing it.

 

He says he knows it was wrong. He claims when he sees her in person, it is business

 

really really doubt it, the only way it has not been physical yet if his her version is the real one and she is the agresor, but if she have not stopped her means that in the least he enjoys the attention adn is tempted, also he can be already emotional engaged to her

[painfullyobvious]

I work in a professional situation with many clients and NONE of them have my personal phone number for my home or my cell. If any of them sent me a message like this (somehow) I would talk to them about this not happening again after I deleted the photos and if it happened again I would refer them to another psychologist or therapist and replace my phone. Your husband is not only risking his marriage but if something like this gets out he will be in trouble with his profession. This could lead to medical sanctions or licensure suspension.

 

 

If you believe his story (which I do not) you have to ask why he would keep a picture on his phone, have such poor boundaries with a client sending inappropriate material and why he continues to allow this to happen. You know the answer to these questions. Start keeping a closer eye on his phone, his behaviors and monitor him. Start following up on his work when he is and done with work, ask him to change phones just to see his reaction because he could easily just give her the number again but it will be interesting to see his reaction. Also ask if you can see her the next time she is in the office to see of the client looks like the pics or if it is just internet pics (again you cant cause of privacy but you can gauge his responses). Start tracking him and I hope I am wrong but this all smells fishy

[manticore]

if she is the agressor it may be posible that is the beginning of a EA that can turn in to a PA, but in the other hand you have to consider that maybe your spouse was the agressor in which case you can bet they already went physical.

 

either way is bad.

 

if he is really repentant as he says ask for his phone and check all his messages, if he already delated them, you can ask for phone records to check the frequency of calls abd messages to this woman (and see how much he really did answer her).

 

most likely the Exchange was not limited just to cell pones, ask himn for transparency (without giving him time to detale evidence) demand him to let you check his FB, skype, mails to see if there have been more exchanges

[Oldspiceywolf]

I wouldn't buy his excuse.

He trickle truthed you which means he's lying.

If I were in your shoes I would confront him with the fact that something seems off about his story, it's not lock tight. I would urge him to come clean one last time with the caviot that if you find out anything is not like he said that there can be no reconciliation and immediate filing for divorce.

After that I would discreetly hire a Private investigator and get the whole truth. Once you have undeniable evidence one way or the other then decide how you want to approach the situation going forward.

Even though you may not want a divorce he has to believe you are serious, most cheaters think it's less serious at the time and believe that if worse came to worse their spouse would not leave, this gives them the permission in their mind to eat cake at your expense.

[tiredofitall2]

Most Adultery Prone Professions

 

For Men:

1. Physicians

2. Police Officers

3. Lawyers

4. Real Estate Agents

5. Engineers

 

For Women:

1. Teachers

2. Stay-at-home Moms

3. Nurses

4. Administrative Assistants

5. Real Estate Agents

[Christ is Love]

Don't let the facts of the text pass you by. The truth is the pictures were there and there for reasons they shouldn't have been. Don't believe his lies. He has been in contact with this lady for a year, probably. He has to end it now or it will come back to haunt the both if you in the future.

So sorry this happened to you especially around the holidays. Stay strong and definitely get to the bottom of this. The longer you wait the worst it will get.

 

I'm praying for you.

[Raena]

Most Adultery Prone Professions

 

For Men:

1. Physicians

2. Police Officers

3. Lawyers

4. Real Estate Agents

5. Engineers

 

For Women:

1. Teachers

2. Stay-at-home Moms

3. Nurses

4. Administrative Assistants

5. Real Estate Agents

 

 

Where did you get this information?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Where did you get this information?

 

I would imagine salesmen who travel and work out of their home would be in the top 10 as well - xmom was.

 

And OP - your husband is definitely in an affair. I am so sorry.

[Spark1111]

Plant a smile on your face, act as if you trust him completely and wait patiently before going into full investigative mode.

 

Check cell phone bills and bank statements. Check his phone when he is unaware you are doing so...

 

Gather as much info as you can and most importantly, TRUST YOUR GUT.

 

Cheaters lie, deny, minimize and spin. it's enough to drive you crazy and it is called Gaslighting.

 

if he feels he has succcessfully snowed you, they will pick up where they left off and you will have evidence to gather before you confront.

 

If you confront too early, they will go underground.

 

For me, it was the not knowing the truth that drove me craziest. One I had my ducks, solidly in a row, I confronted and he could not lie his way out.

 

I also found out all I could about the OW and stored it as info to be used at a later date if necessary.

 

Sending nude selfies to a MM on Christmas when he is with his family, where his young son could discover it, bespeaks a sexual relationship of some duration to me. it also is the characteristically risky behavior of cheaters who reside in romantic la-la land and never be

I eve they will be caught.

[ComingInHot]

Wait. Your son saw pics of naked woman?! That's foul!!

Get online, go to cell carrier site. Log in and start checking phone logs from past months to now looking for the number repeating AND length of calls. (He may say the calls weren't long, lying about communications).

Chances are this is waaay more than some unbalanced woman playing around w/no reciprocation on your H's part. I mean one or 2 fishing attempts ya, maybe. But months later and on Christmas?! Doubt it honey...

I'm SO SORRY!!

[harrybrown]

What a rotten Christmas!

 

Has your H given you access to all his passwords? Have you put a keylogger on the computer and something similar on his phone?

 

You should have him write a NC letter and he should stop seeing this OW as a patient.

[aliveagain]

I have been married 8 years and have 2 great kids. My husband and I are high school sweethearts. Sure things are slow and sex lacks a lot because we are both full time professionals and parents. But he's my best friend...I love him. I want to grow old with him.

Yesterday my son had my husbands phone and handed it to me a second. I curiously looked at his messages to see who may have said "Merry Christmas or what not. His first text was labeled unknown. It had at least two pictures that were "selfies" of nudity between a woman and him. I went into shock at that moment. I was at a party with my family and all I could think about was getting out of there.

About 1 hr later once we got home....I asked him if he was cheating on me? He said no and wanted to know why I asked. I told him what I saw. He then admitted over the next day that this was part of a initially innocent text relationship that he was having with a patient. He is a self-employed medical professional. I knew that she texted him about a year ago. We talked at that time that it was inappropriate. He chalked it up to it being about sport talk and that she reached out to him sometimes when she was depressed. Time went on and I trusted that things were merely innocent talk.

Now 3-4 myths ago apparently she started to text him sexual pics. He thinks that none were selfies but Internet photos. He claims he never reciprocated but instead tried to play it off by changing the subject. He says he knows it was wrong. He claims when he sees her in person, it is business and he treats her but later she texts him. She does it drunk a lot.

I hurt so bad. I hated to find this knowing he was keeping it from me. He says he is going to put a stop to it immediately but how do I really know that. I feel like dirt right now. I do not want to lose the great life and family I thought we had.

I need someone to talk to.....

 

He knew it was wrong a year ago, I call bulls**t. Married professional Doctor allowing himself to get caught up in an inappropriate relationship with a client could be a career ending move, stupid. I think you only have the tip of the iceberg, this has been going on for a year, that's a long time to be texting without meeting up, go's against the stat's. Was a nurse present when she came to see him at his practice? Maybe I'm wrong but he didn't confess when you confronted him, it took you a day to get it out of him even with the nude texts, I think someone that was innocent wouldn't allow this to go on for a year after telling him that her texts were inappropriate. An innocent person would have confessed immediately.

 

Have him give you access to his phone records, confirm the calls between them, confirm if he reciprocated or not.

[KMM]

Since my post we have talked a lot. He is changing his phone number today and still swears up and down it was more of her aggressive approach than his. He let it go too far and he said yes he did like the attention. He denies denies that he ever sent a selfie to her but I just cannot prove that. I just can't shake the fact that A. I discovered this and who knows how long it could have gone on and B. I cannot prove ever that this was one-sided like he says.

[ComingInHot]

yes you can check the phone records!! it's easy.

[Snowflower]

KMM, listen to your gut instincts. They are likely screaming at you. This is one time you need to trust yourself over your husband.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

He is lying. Guaranteed. I'm glad he is changing his number, but he can no longer see her as a patient or client or whatever she is.

[Ruffian1]

He has been in contact with this lady for a year, probably.

 

This was my first thought also.

 

He can change his number but there are other ways to stay in contact.

 

Prepaid phones, etc.

 

I am sorry, I also believe he is in some kind of an A.

 

He may take it underground now.

 

Do NOT let him know you will be watching. You will need to get solid proof. There are ways.

[DirectDescendant]

If your gut is telling you that an affair has taken place I would listen to that. I would think it's smart to stop talking about it with him. He doesn't want to lose you of his family so he will lie, skew and gaslight you to no end.

You have to pretend like youre happy and not worried, let him keep going on like he thinks he you buy his lines and then start gathering indisputable evidence. If you can't do it on your own hire somebody.

I hope he's telling you the truth and get pass this but if he isn't you'll never hear the truth from his lips until it's sitting plain as day in front of him.

I hope you keep your guard up a hit more, good luck!

[tiredofitall2]

Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) place it in his car under the seat. You can buy them at spy stores etc.

[Spark1111]

Since my post we have talked a lot. He is changing his phone number today and still swears up and down it was more of her aggressive approach than his. He let it go too far and he said yes he did like the attention. He denies denies that he ever sent a selfie to her but I just cannot prove that. I just can't shake the fact that A. I discovered this and who knows how long it could have gone on and B. I cannot prove ever that this was one-sided like he says.

 

You did ask him directly WHO she is and how they knew each other, yes?

 

And he willingly gave you all of her contact information, correct?

 

And he would have no problem with you contacting her and asking her what those pictures were about, would he?

 

Do you have access to his cell phone bills? because on the day I discovered my fWS affair, there was maybe 50 texts and calls to one number. And I was able to pay for a reverse cell phone look up.

 

it's how I discovered her name, and address....and that she was a co-worker NOT a client.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You did ask him directly WHO she is and how they knew each other, yes?

 

And he willingly gave you all of her contact information, correct?

 

And he would have no problem with you contacting her and asking her what those pictures were about, would he?

 

Do you have access to his cell phone bills? because on the day I discovered my fWS affair, there was maybe 50 texts and calls to one number. And I was able to pay for a reverse cell phone look up.

 

it's how I discovered her name, and address....and that she was a co-worker NOT a client.

 

Spark brings up a good point. Is this an employee possibly, not a client?

 

Getting access is something you should ask for and he should willingly give it in this instance. If there isn't anything to hide, then no issues - but my guess is that there is something major to hide and he will try to talk you out of seeing the bills.

[confusedandhurt2002]

He may be minimizing how big of a deal this is becaue he's embarassed, but it's important for you to know how serious this is or isn't. There may be some things yuo need to work on in your relationship.

 

It was hard for me but I went to the phone records and was shocked and sickened to find out he and this woman had been texting and calling every day for over a year. I was humiliated, angry, hurt, shattered, crushed, and confused.

 

Later I learned they'd probably been texting for three years but he still insists it started out as her texting him and it wasn't until the past 10 months (after he lost his father figure) that he started turning away from me and to her.

 

I am sure this was an ego boost to your husband. Men really do need their egos boosted. I don't mean that in a derrogatory way. THey just really do. they are wired that way. I know more now than I ever did and have bought books and am going to MarriageToday and learning more about how men like to be treated. It's fascinating and really helping us reconcile from his affair.

 

Hang in there. Please keep us updated. I prayit all works out for you both!