Wife Cheated on me with friends 16 years ago

[down2earth]

Hello all, thank you for allowing me to be a member of this wonderful community. I feel much comfort and at ease to vent and share my feelings here with you.

 

I've been with my wife since I was 15 on and off I'm now 34 and she is also. I was quite a bad boy when I was younger and have now changed my life and done quite well for myself and family. When I was 17 I violated parole and went to prison CYA (youth authority) for 90 days. During my time of incarceration my girlfriend (now wife) stayed at her friends house where my friends would frequently come over and hangout. It found it hard to believe nothing ever happened, such as her fooling around behind my back and always grilled her on it. Years passed and I kind of forgot about it.

 

Recently and sexually I would foreplay with her and get bits and pieces of information of what happened during her stay at her friends house during my time of incarceration. She finally came clean and admitted she did something really bad and never spoke about it cause she regrets what she had done to me. She told me while her girl friend was out and about few of my friends were at the house with her. She chatted it up with one of my friends, one thing led to another and they ended up going to the bedroom together. The lights were off, they ended up having sex. During sex he made her lay face down and she heard other guys coming by the room to watch (the door was open). The first guy told her to keep her head down and dont look back. She admits that there was probably multiple friends of mine that could have went inside her, she never looked back cause she was caught up in the moment but she believes there was at least three ejaculations from what she can remember.

 

I'm now married to this women and have 2 kids with her 6 and 4. She is a wonderful mother and very good to me (lol). I'm very hurt and emotionally devastated. While I held my head up high knowing I had the most beautiful lady out of all my friends, they got the last laugh, and had a piece of my wife.

I dont know what to do. I want to leave her and treat her like a piece of meat but another part of me loves her and cant let her go. She embarrassed me and disrespected me. What good is a women if your friends were able to hit it too? The first guy she went to the room with I had a falling out with years ago before she told me what she did with him recently. And for the other guys she has no idea cause she had her head down but she knows who were all there. She's just not able to identify with facts who all went inside her. She was drunk and horny thats here reason.

 

I will never bring this up and confront anyone so this news doesn't get out there. This is a major lose of face and embarrassment to my family. What should I do and what is your opinions. Should I keep this girl or should I treat her like a whore and pass her around then kick her to the curb? Im serious. Please help.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Wow - I don't even know what to say except I am sorry. I imagine there will be a few of the men that will come along and advise you.

 

You say she is a wonderful wife and mother now? And you love her? I guess you have a decision to make. You need to decide if you can fully recover because even though this is old news to her, this is very fresh for you - like yesterday. I hope you aren't still friends with these guys - guys who treat a woman like that - regardless of the situation, I can't imagine guy after guy going into the room and doing that to a wife - smacks of a frat party and gang rape.

 

How is she acting now that she has confessed what happened?

[RightThere]

When the past comes calling, don't answer. It has nothing new to say.

 

You'll probably need to do a lot of work to get over it, but it's something from her past that she's not proud of. And I would say the life you've built with her since then is probably more important.

[drifter777]

So she willingly pulled a train for your friends? Unbelievable! I'll take your word for it that its the only crazy sexual thing she's been involved in but girls that do that kind of thing usually have a few more "fun" things in their past.

 

Anyway, what do you do with it now? I totally get the anger, pain, and humiliation you feel - any man would. I am also sensing that this is something that is so ugly that it is going to haunt you for the rest of your life with her. Believe me, visions of her banging these other guys are going to torture you forever. If it were me, I would have to divorce her for such disgusting behavior. Ending the marriage is the only thing that could help repair my self esteem and bring me some sense of "fairness" in that, in the end, she got exactly what she deserves.

 

Find a counselor and start working on your own recovery. You have children to parent and its your responsibility to handle that job without tainting their opinion of their mother. You can hate her for the rest of your life - and it's likely you will - but she's still your children's mother.

[nabelp]

I feel really bad for you. I found out 57 days ago that my wife had an affair 12 years ago. I have decided to stay and reconcile and try to make it work. Only you can answer what you want to do. Don't listen to everything everyone tells you on this site. You know your wife...we don't. I have an idea of what you are going through. Even though it was so long ago, to you it happened yesterday. You will now relive that time of your life and youll be surprised what you can remember. You'll look at pictures from that era and ball your eyes out. You'll be a mess. It will be a long process my friend. Keep your chin up, don't feel like a failure or inadequate. Love always wins.

[Debanked]

Recently and sexually I would foreplay with her and get bits and pieces of information of what happened.

 

Curious ... how did you bring her to such a comfort level that she felt it OK to disclose tales of this long-ago escapade? Never ask a question that you aren't prepared to hear the answer to.

[painfullyobvious]

This happened a long time ago and I do not understand how this is embarrassing now. Many of us had some weird experiences when we were young. I would just let this one go just my opinion. Sometimes the ego has a hard time letting go of situations because we feel others have wronged us, or that people have one over on us or feel disrespected. They may have disrespected your girlfriend back then and had there way with her then but look what they lost and you gained. I bet your wife is ashamed of this and afraid of what it may have cost her if you found out. Chalk it up to youthful immaturity.

 

 

You say she is great mother and wife. Is this really worth losing your happiness over? Your so called friends were losers that is for sure but you have what you want in a family. She has matured and moved beyond behaving like that. Many would love to be in your situation where they have a beautiful family and caring family members.

[peruano99]

Uh was she drunk? Well I know see that she was and this is your decision to make. I have no idea why your wife didn't get rape charges on the guys who had sex with her while she wasn't looking. Did she at least use protection?..........

 

Also cheating is cheating, no matter how long ago it happened. AND cheating with 3+ men is even worse.

Edited December 24, 2013 by peruano99

[down2earth]

When the past comes calling, don't answer. It has nothing new to say.

 

You'll probably need to do a lot of work to get over it, but it's something from her past that she's not proud of. And I would say the life you've built with her since then is probably more important.

 

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel so helpless, feel like a little kid, feel so sick inside. I feel like crying and I havent cried since my mother passed away a couple years back. I want to keep her but I feel she's tainted but yet, she is the mother to my kids so I can't just cut her off and harm my little ones. Your words are so comforting right now.

 

Thank you all for your love, care, and support. So glad I found this forum.

[down2earth]

So she willingly pulled a train for your friends? Unbelievable! I'll take your word for it that its the only crazy sexual thing she's been involved in but girls that do that kind of thing usually have a few more "fun" things in their past.

 

Anyway, what do you do with it now? I totally get the anger, pain, and humiliation you feel - any man would. I am also sensing that this is something that is so ugly that it is going to haunt you for the rest of your life with her. Believe me, visions of her banging these other guys are going to torture you forever. If it were me, I would have to divorce her for such disgusting behavior. Ending the marriage is the only thing that could help repair my self esteem and bring me some sense of "fairness" in that, in the end, she got exactly what she deserves.

 

Find a counselor and start working on your own recovery. You have children to parent and its your responsibility to handle that job without tainting their opinion of their mother. You can hate her for the rest of your life - and it's likely you will - but she's still your children's mother.

 

Thank you. Right now I feel like treating her like **it. I feel like running a train on her with other guys and treat her like trash. She disgust me. I am so confused with my feelings. One minute I hate her, one minute I want her.

[down2earth]

I feel really bad for you. I found out 57 days ago that my wife had an affair 12 years ago. I have decided to stay and reconcile and try to make it work. Only you can answer what you want to do. Don't listen to everything everyone tells you on this site. You know your wife...we don't. I have an idea of what you are going through. Even though it was so long ago, to you it happened yesterday. You will now relive that time of your life and youll be surprised what you can remember. You'll look at pictures from that era and ball your eyes out. You'll be a mess. It will be a long process my friend. Keep your chin up, don't feel like a failure or inadequate. Love always wins.

 

Sorry to hear your going through something similar. Thanks for the shoulder and advice. I cant describe the feeling Im going through, I wouldnt wish this on anyone. What makes it worse it was my old friends I used to run with who trained her. I see these guys once in a blue moon. I can get over it if it was strangers that I didnt know. But my f'ing friends???

[down2earth]

I feel really bad for you. I found out 57 days ago that my wife had an affair 12 years ago. I have decided to stay and reconcile and try to make it work. Only you can answer what you want to do. Don't listen to everything everyone tells you on this site. You know your wife...we don't. I have an idea of what you are going through. Even though it was so long ago, to you it happened yesterday. You will now relive that time of your life and youll be surprised what you can remember. You'll look at pictures from that era and ball your eyes out. You'll be a mess. It will be a long process my friend. Keep your chin up, don't feel like a failure or inadequate. Love always wins.

 

Curious ... how did you bring her to such a comfort level that she felt it OK to disclose tales of this long-ago escapade? Never ask a question that you aren't prepared to hear the answer to.

 

It was a long and slow process of courting her. I got her to feel and think I like her sleeping with other men. We'd 4play to this subject every time we have sex. I found out quick she tends to be pretty honest when Im inside her and she is in her sexual element. But soon after we finish she takes back her stories and tells me they're all made up. But some of the stories were just too believable and almost impossible to make up. Such as time, place, where, and when things happened. The stories were very detailed.

[down2earth]

Uh was she drunk? Well I know see that she was and this is your decision to make. I have no idea why your wife didn't get rape charges on the guys who had sex with her while she wasn't looking. Did she at least use protection?..........

 

Also cheating is cheating, no matter how long ago it happened. AND cheating with 3+ men is even worse.

 

 

I'll find out tonight whether she used protection. She was drunk but never said no. It probably felt so good she wanted it to keep going. Yeah, the first guy was hitting it from the back and told her to dont look back, the door was wide open and more likely they took turns. I bet she wanted to keep her head down so she can have an excuse that she didnt see and it was only one guy that was inside her. F'ing whore.

[down2earth]

This happened a long time ago and I do not understand how this is embarrassing now. Many of us had some weird experiences when we were young. I would just let this one go just my opinion. Sometimes the ego has a hard time letting go of situations because we feel others have wronged us, or that people have one over on us or feel disrespected. They may have disrespected your girlfriend back then and had there way with her then but look what they lost and you gained. I bet your wife is ashamed of this and afraid of what it may have cost her if you found out. Chalk it up to youthful immaturity.

 

 

You say she is great mother and wife. Is this really worth losing your happiness over? Your so called friends were losers that is for sure but you have what you want in a family. She has matured and moved beyond behaving like that. Many would love to be in your situation where they have a beautiful family and caring family members.

 

Thank you for your kind words. My old friends are losers. Low life thugs who never changed. I would never pull a stunt like this on them. I was raised with honesty and integrity. So glad I moved on and became successful in my own way and better than all of them combined. But they get the last laugh, the **ucked my girl. She let me down. I was 17 and had a small violation and she couldnt even wait for me. Lets see if she has really changed. One thing my brother taught me is you cant teach an old dog new tricks. Another thing he told me is if you are to judge a person the best way to judge their character is to look at their past. People usually have a pattern.

[down2earth]

I want to expose her so bad but I dont want to shame my family. My brothers, sisters, relatives all love her. I want to expose her on facebook and ruin her life. I want to show the world the ho she is.

[bubbaganoosh]

Down 2 Earth.

 

Just a thought. I can understand how you feel and that it is a shock to find this out.

 

Before you decide to hurl insults at her or treat her like garbage just do one thing.

 

Look yourself in the mirror for a good long time. When this took place, where were you? You were in jail for 90 days for a parole violation, so in other words, you screwed up big time for your mistake and if you would have behaved yourself and did the right thing by keeping your nose clean, none of this would have happened.

 

People that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. I'm sure she can bring up some doozey things in your life that you did wrong. Think about what your going to do. Then think of your mistakes that you made.

[Poppyolive]

Im sorry you are hurting and angry. It must be incredibly painful to hear and have your mind play on it over and over. At the end of the day, its your wife, your marriage and your healing.

 

Heres my piece to add to the mix.

 

You were together 15 plus years, your were incarnated at 17 when this deal went down, behind your back. First up, I think its an ******* move to not tell you, at least before getting married, and to tell you it all now and her reasons were that she was horny. Is she showing remorse and taking in your hurt?

 

I know you feel angry and want revenge...but the things you are saying "treat her like a whore and kick her to the curb" Is pointless and also disgusting behaviour. You need to take time to heal and not use your anger against her. My opinion, this happened when she too was 17, no excuse, but its a very young mischievous age, in which you were too. now still no excuse, I'm just painting a picture to get right in there to understand both sides. You have done a 180 and matured and grown, and she must have too if she is wonderful wife and mother. you are both now 34 and have built a life and long relationship together. Now, i don't think you should throw away your marriage and seek revenge. No I'm still not condoning her behaviour, but this is fresh news for you to process and this is a fresh bump in your relationship as a union. Only you know if you can forgive her and do the work it takes to get to a stronger level on this. If you feel you can't, (don't make that decision just yet as its fresh) then your relationship as a whole will fail, if you can't see past (in time) the pain, hurt and anger...there will always be issues that will resort back to this new findings.

 

Its a tough one, and maybe some counselling for you will help and in time ask her to join, to find ways to move past this. I urge you as much as this hurts don't act on it and have your kids see this and suffer. for now a good thing is coming here to vent, or write your feelings down. She has to allow you time to vent to her too in order to heal. Also make a list of all the things you are grateful for in your relationship together...this will help you get to making your decision stage. Your hearts have been in twinned for along time and only you know if you can take this. Your fiends were also young and up to no good, its a sexually adventurous age. Id be certainly pissed they didn't inform you. but i urge you not to seek revenge on them either. Are the men in question still in your life?

 

Wishing you love, strength and healing.

[aliveagain]

She was obviously into it at the time or she would have stopped it. The part the strikes me is, she couldn't wait 90 days for you, she did the whole room and it was without protection and than she kept it from you knowing that there was a high probability that you would find out. Too many people knew, guys brag about sh*t like that and I wouldn't be surprised if they still talk about it. The other issue she kept the lie for 17 years and then married you.

 

I recommend you get professional help, you can't deal with this on your own. Don't make a decision ether way, staying or going without trying to work through it with a counsellor experienced with infidelity. She needs to get help dealing with her boundary issues and to get to the why for allowing herself to cheat on you in such a horrific way. Great mother or not, she is still the same person that did that to you and if she never fixed what was broken, who knows what she is capable of doing the next time your away. Is she remorseful? Why did she keep that big a secret from you when so many were involved? Why did she finally decide to tell you 17 years and 2 children later?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

They did it with the girlfriend of one of their good friends, and they did it while she was face down and drunk - and you think they have some kind of bragging rights? What a bunch of heroes.

[Tayla]

I'm 99.9% sure that people change thru out their lives...its inevitable.

 

Be mindful of casting shame and ill mannered comments to a spouse.

Particularly when it was a behavior in their teens..

 

I, actually feel sorry for the now wife...she admitted her poor behavior that happened sooooooooo very long ago, and now she is being cast as a jezabel by a man she took an oath with well after the fact. I don't think I'd want to stay with a man that wants to add insult to injury in this matter.

[Fluttershy]

This whole thread does not add up. Either this story is bull, we aren't getting important info, or this wife isn't telling the whole story.

 

The OP himself when from saying he was a bad person who cleaned up his act to his incarceration being basically nothing. He suspected something happened, why? He trapped her in a confession when I am sure if this had happened his as$hole friends would have bragged about it and it would have gotteb back to him. Even if it didn't get around it was a long time for him to carry this suspicion with no evidence to back it.

 

Not to mention him saying his wife was "too detailed" when in fact all one has to do is read one erotic short story and have this plotline and easily repeat it. Or just have an imagination. Not suspect worthy.

 

So, as I said, either there is a lot more to this story... Or there is nothing to it at all.

[down2earth]

They did it with the girlfriend of one of their good friends, and they did it while she was face down and drunk - and you think they have some kind of bragging rights? What a bunch of heroes.

 

Tell it how it is. This is the kind of thing I used to do to other girls but never would I thought it would be done to my girl. I plan on kicking this bitch to the curb. I love my boys but I cant do it. I'll find me a legit girl in Asia. These hoes will do you really dirty. I just cant get over the fact someone else will have her.

 

Yeah, they got me good. I'll get mine in due time.

 

God Damn! They had my wife face down ass up and the whore is acting like she didnt know. Whats your opinion, she saw the other faces yeah?

[peruano99]

Thank you. Right now I feel like treating her like **it. I feel like running a train on her with other guys and treat her like trash. She disgust me. I am so confused with my feelings. One minute I hate her, one minute I want her.

 

If you want to run a train with other guys on her, then I think it's best to separate...

[peruano99]

I'm 99.9% sure that people change thru out their lives...its inevitable.

 

Be mindful of casting shame and ill mannered comments to a spouse.

Particularly when it was a behavior in their teens..

 

I, actually feel sorry for the now wife...she admitted her poor behavior that happened sooooooooo very long ago, and now she is being cast as a jezabel by a man she took an oath with well after the fact. I don't think I'd want to stay with a man that wants to add insult to injury in this matter.

 

Yeah well she cheated so he should just leave her. Anyways this story sounds suspicious.

[down2earth]

They did it with the girlfriend of one of their good friends, and they did it while she was face down and drunk - and you think they have some kind of bragging rights? What a bunch of heroes.

 

This whole thread does not add up. Either this story is bull, we aren't getting important info, or this wife isn't telling the whole story.

 

The OP himself when from saying he was a bad person who cleaned up his act to his incarceration being basically nothing. He suspected something happened, why? He trapped her in a confession when I am sure if this had happened his as$hole friends would have bragged about it and it would have gotteb back to him. Even if it didn't get around it was a long time for him to carry this suspicion with no evidence to back it.

 

Not to mention him saying his wife was "too detailed" when in fact all one has to do is read one erotic short story and have this plotline and easily repeat it. Or just have an imagination. Not suspect worthy.

 

So, as I said, either there is a lot more to this story... Or there is nothing to it at all.

 

This is no erotic story, I am really going through this right now! Why the hell would I lie about this, who has time to bs? If its not adding up can you explain why? Maybe your seeing something that Im not and she is not telling me everything. Let me get in a car accident and die tomorrow if Im lieing. Let me be cursed for life. I promise I would never waste you guys time like this.