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Still hard to deal with...


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Old 20th December 2013, 9:16 AM   #1
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Unhappy Still hard to deal with...

So it's been 14 months since D-day and things are going well with our R. However we did get some recent news that my H's friend whom he betrayed by sleeping with his GF has been transferred and they will no longer have to work together.

From what my H has told me their working relationship got better over the year but of course the friendship never recovered. This move has given him some relief as he felt badly every time he saw him and he wholeheartedly regrets what he did to the both of us. Which he should.

The issue I am now facing is that there is a retirement party coming up for one of his other coworkers in a couple of weeks. I thought about it and I don't think I want to go. Too many people at my H workplace know what happened and know me and I can't help but feel some way around his coworkers.

This feeling makes me wonder if my decision to stay was the right one. I hate that I am thinking this way.

Going to that event with a smile on my face and looking lovingly into my H eyes may confirm for his coworkers that we are back on track, and trust me I have no issue doing so because that is the place I am right now. But only in the privacy of our own home.

The bigger issue here I guess is me, my pride I guess. I don't want the looks or gossip behind the scenes when we walk in.

I am still undecided. What do you all think?
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Old 20th December 2013, 10:28 AM   #2
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I think life is too short to something you don't want to do. You don't have to prove a thing to anyone else! I would talk to my husband and explain how I felt......maybe both of you can not go? If it is important to my husband though, I would go.
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Old 20th December 2013, 10:35 AM   #3
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You feel uncomfortable I understand this. Unfortunately this is part of reconciliation that we seldom talk about. On the road to reconciliation the BS has to look at friends, coworkers and family of the WS whom all knew what has happened or while it was happening. Eventually you are going to have to face these people as they are part of your husbands social circle. Maybe now is not the time for you but there will always be reasons why you cannot go to a work event, his friends BBQ, or whatever because someone you might bump into knows about your situation.


I think your thread is a good one and I am not sure if I have seen a topic like this. I would never suggest forcing yourself to do something you are uncomfortable with but you may as well get events like this over with so the next one will be less uncomfortable. Each event gets a little easier and the first few feel like you are wearing a court jester outfit and your husband a scarlet letter. Be honest with your husband about your feelings regarding this party. Instead of focusing in on the embarrassing and humiliating aspect of this party concentrate on this as another small building block in repairing the relationship.


Great topic. I am curious as to what others say. I wish you the best..
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Old 20th December 2013, 11:23 AM   #4
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In R I don't force myself to do the things that I know are going to trigger me. Especially when it concerns having to act a certain way. You are early on, I would explain to your H how you are feeling and ask him to maybe skip this particular party. These are often the consequences of the decision he made to put the both of you in this place.

Will it always be like this? No. As time goes on you will find yourself in a stronger place emotionally, you won't question yourself as much regarding your decision to stay and you will be ok with what others are thinking. For now, don't put that pressure on yourself. Be easy on you, it is early yet.
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Old 20th December 2013, 1:34 PM   #5
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I honestly don't know if you should both go, neither go, or what.

But, what struck me is that you also mentioned that it made you question your decision to stay with him. That just seems like a big jump to me and it seemed worth mentioning. In some cases, it can take years for a BS to realize that the whole thing is just too much and it ends up being a dealbreaker. Maybe this is just the straw that broke the camel's back but honestly, I don't read that in your posting history. For you, this seems more of just another (albeit irritating) bump in the road.

I'm curious about your husband's take on attending this event. My gut says that you should talk to him and it should be a joint decision. I'm also quietly hoping he doesn't choose to go without you; in reconciliation, I really prefer to see triggers as a team effort.
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Old 20th December 2013, 2:01 PM   #6
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I think life is too short to something you don't want to do. You don't have to prove a thing to anyone else! I would talk to my husband and explain how I felt......maybe both of you can not go? If it is important to my husband though, I would go.
I haven't spoken to him yet. From what I understand this is a catered event and we will have to pay for it next week if we choose to go.

I know he did want to go as he has worked a long time with this person and they are friendly as well. However, he was one of the people at work who was told of my H's A and he let him know how grimy he thought the whole ordeal was. I know my H explained to the people who knew how his M was important and how he wanted to be with me.

I am just on the fence about it all.
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Old 20th December 2013, 2:08 PM   #7
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You feel uncomfortable I understand this. Unfortunately this is part of reconciliation that we seldom talk about. On the road to reconciliation the BS has to look at friends, coworkers and family of the WS whom all knew what has happened or while it was happening. Eventually you are going to have to face these people as they are part of your husbands social circle. Maybe now is not the time for you but there will always be reasons why you cannot go to a work event, his friends BBQ, or whatever because someone you might bump into knows about your situation.

..
Yes, I feel embarrassed. I made the choice not to tell my family as I remember things going really badly for me in my first M. And because my WH wanted to be with me and wanted it to work I felt I didn't need to share it with them. The one issue I may still be struggling with is that since I know that they know it is shameful to me. It has triggered me into feeling like a fool.

He has mentioned that he does feel like he is wearing the scarlet letter all the time when he is around his former friend/coworker.

There is a big chance he may be there at that event and I am afraid he may speak to me and open up old wounds by talking about it. I don't want any updates on that witch to be honest. I don't care what happened to them.

Just too many things to worry about and at the same time I feel like I am not being supportive of my H. I know he doesn't deserve that at this point. He has done the work. I hate that I am feeling this way.
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Old 20th December 2013, 2:08 PM   #8
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I think that it is something the two of you should face together. I am one (having been through a big, public debacle) that feels like it is important to hold your head up high and get out there. It took a very long time for me to get there, but now that I am (and I am in a big way), it's liberating.


It might be an opportunity for people to see you together, see that you are okay and will be more comfortable in the future at events like this. The first time is the worst. When you figure out that it doesn't kill you, it gets easier.


And who cares what people say or think? Gossip is just that - gossip. It means nothing and if you act as if you are past it, they will too.


And if this "friend" brings it up at an event like this, that wouldn't be cool at all. IF that did happen, I would just politely tell him that it's in the past.

Last edited by lilmisscantbewrong; 20th December 2013 at 2:10 PM..
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Old 20th December 2013, 2:11 PM   #9
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I say if you are going to fully R, then go to the party. Face the uncomfortableness, it may not be as bad as you think. It certainly won't get any better if you stay home. To me that looks worse.
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Old 20th December 2013, 2:16 PM   #10
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But, what struck me is that you also mentioned that it made you question your decision to stay with him. That just seems like a big jump to me and it seemed worth mentioning. .
BH, I don't know why I am feeling this way. It may be because now I would have to face these guys and also his former friend whom he betrayed as well. I don't think this would be the deal breaker however. I just think I need to get a grip on my own feelings.

I feel like we have come so far and I don't know what I may encounter. What if his former friend never broke up with that woman and she comes to the event? She was such an obnoxious witch when I spoke to her that last time.

I could go and be supportive and the loving wife to my husband, but I am not sure if my heart is strong enough yet. 14 months is too early.

For the first time this month I have really missed him while doing certain things and have thought about him warmly, looked forward to being, or doing things with him. No flashbacks of the past, no tears. Then I am faced with this.

I will have to have this conversation with my H.
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Old 20th December 2013, 2:18 PM   #11
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I say if you are going to fully R, then go to the party. Face the uncomfortableness, it may not be as bad as you think. It certainly won't get any better if you stay home. To me that looks worse.
CT, both choices make me feel sick to be honest. I have to decide which I can deal with better I guess.
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Old 20th December 2013, 3:04 PM   #12
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Do you think it might be just the time of year for you two to make your first important 'outing' together with all those people who know? Let them see how relaxed and happy you both are now that you are in a different place?


I think limiss is absolutely right. Show them all you are past all the crap. I don't think anyone is going to say anything untoward to either of you, that would be incredibly crass and stupid. If anyone tried anything snidy, I would simply smile your brightest smile and walk away.


Put it this way, it won't be anywhere near as difficult as you've probably built it up to be, and when it's done, you will be united and everyone will know it.


Put on something lovely and let your husband show you off for the glorious woman you are.


It's time for you to enjoy the festivities together.
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Old 20th December 2013, 5:44 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by experiencethedevine View Post
Do you think it might be just the time of year for you two to make your first important 'outing' together with all those people who know? Let them see how relaxed and happy you both are now that you are in a different place?


I think limiss is absolutely right. Show them all you are past all the crap. I don't think anyone is going to say anything untoward to either of you, that would be incredibly crass and stupid. If anyone tried anything snidy, I would simply smile your brightest smile and walk away.


Put it this way, it won't be anywhere near as difficult as you've probably built it up to be, and when it's done, you will be united and everyone will know it.


Put on something lovely and let your husband show you off for the glorious woman you are.


It's time for you to enjoy the festivities together.
I'm really starting to agree with this train of thought. The fact is, you don't have anything to be ashamed of.
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Old 20th December 2013, 6:14 PM   #14
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I am in the camp "You have nothing to be ashamed of". Your husband is responsible for his actions not you. And he is taking responsibility for it as well which is a very good thing.

Shame is a terrible thing. Specially when we have it so unnecessarily. People shouldn't be ashamed for being loving, kind and forgiving when their spouse is repentive and doing everything right. But easier said then done.

Whatever you decide, don't be ashamed. Not ready to go, no wories next time you wil. Decide to go? People rarely are saying the nasty things we think they are... And the ones that do we really shouldn't give the time of day to.

Why don't you go, see how it is, and if you can't handle it plead and "illness" and leave early? That way you gave it a good shot and you may have a good time or you will learn for sure you just aren't ready yet.
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Old 20th December 2013, 6:49 PM   #15
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Thanks my LS family...I am on my way home and will talk to him.

Experiencethedivine thanks for that.. I feel a little differently now. I am grateful for your response.
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