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How should I handle this situation?


Alistair

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Hi all,

I will make this brief.

 

My wife and I have been together 8 years and married 7. She is 33 and I'm 46. We get along fantastically well. Have a lot of fun together and love eachother dearly. However, I haven't made love to her in over 7 years. We haven't even consummated our marriage. You see, I have a deep rooted psycho-sexual problem where I can't seem to be able to fuse love and sex together. they seem to be at opposite ends of the scale. I have seeked help in the form of hypnotherapy, counselling etc. but to no avail. She has wanted children for years but I have been unable to deliver. She has also felt unwanted and not desired intimately by me.

 

Consequently, she has been having an affair with a work colleague for the last 3 months. I discovered this when I found a phone bill which had approx 300 texts to the same number over the period of 1 month. I confronted her and she admitted it straight away. I was and am devastated. The hurt, the betrayal and the anger are too much for me to deal with. The worst part is that she says that she has feelings for this guy. She says she isn't in love with him but she has feelings. We tried to talk but communication broke down. She has now been staying with her parents for the last 2 weeks. She has texted me numerous times telling me how devastated she is about what she has done, that I am still the love of her life and that the affair is now over, but that she "needs the time apart to figure out all the worries she has about us".

 

She is coming over to talk next Tuesday. My question is, how do I proceed? Do I lay down any demands? How can I get the trust back?

 

I am determined to sort out my sexual issue. What should I expect from her?

 

Many thanks!!

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Let her go. No one deserves to be in a sexless marriage. You can't expect her to wait around for another 7 years while you try and work out your issues. If you love her let her go, and do not berate her for having the affair.

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This is going to be difficult.

 

8 years without sex for a young person (man or woman) is not the norm. Has she not had a problem with this? How have you two dealt with this over those 8 years.

 

Certainly you understand that she has wants and needs. What steps have you taken TOGETHER to help with this?

 

There's no excuse for cheating. Never will be. But, I think I can see how it happened.

 

If she wants you ( I know you want her ), you need to find out why it happened and fix that. From your story, it sounds like you are telling us that it was the sex that she needed/wanted...........she said she didn't love him. However, that physical intimacy can lead to much stronger feeling very quickly.

 

Most all of us need and want sex.......and, even more so in a marriage. If this is what led to her affair, you two have to work together to fix that problem........whatever it takes.

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It's definitely a mental thing with my wife. I love her so much, but sex seems wrong with the person you love. I am sure I can overcome this problem with the right help. I really want my marriage to work and to give my wife children.

Yes, we had great sex at the start of the relationship but it fell by the way when I fell in love with her.

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Then surely she feels unwanted, unloved, taken for granted........ People have the need to be wanted and loved. I know that women especially have that need. Find a way, quickly, to give her that.

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Yes, she does feel unwanted and taken for granted but not unloved. she knows I love her with all my heart. She has been an angel considering the lack of sex. She has stayed by my side and tried to help me.

I guess this is a massive wake-up call for me to sort out my issue. I just hope it isn't too late.

Do I have the right to feel betrayed, hurt and angry by the affair? How can I trust her again?

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experiencethedevine
Yes, she does feel unwanted and taken for granted but not unloved. she knows I love her with all my heart. She has been an angel considering the lack of sex. She has stayed by my side and tried to help me.

I guess this is a massive wake-up call for me to sort out my issue. I just hope it isn't too late.

Do I have the right to feel betrayed, hurt and angry by the affair? How can I trust her again?

 

 

You have the right to feel any way you choose, but I suspect your pain is likely to be related to guilt regarding the catalyst for the event of your wife's affair. That being your neglect in attending to the fundamental issue of sexual intimacy. It is extraordinary that it has been left so long unattended frankly.

 

 

If you have been unsuccessful with previous treatments/counsel, then you must renew your vigour in that area and find the right therapist TOGETHER.

 

 

Your wife deserves a fulfilling relationship with you as much as you do with her.

 

 

Her engagement in sexual activity outside of your marriage is an enquiry. You have the opportunity to address her affair, and your own sexual issues if you are both prepared to lay the groundwork and rebuild a healthier relationship.

 

 

Contact a sexual dysfunction therapist and ask your wife to go with you.

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You have the right to feel betrayed, as she chose to stick with you through all of this. She could have(and probably should have) left years ago if there was this obvious disconnect. That said, I'd agree with Realist and let her go.

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thinkingofhim

I understand your hurt and betrayal but being denied sex is soul crushing and your non progress towards fixing it to her probably seemed that you simply didn't care about her emotions and torment. Heaping an affair on top of things, well, I'm sorry but I don't think there is anything to build from here.

 

I'm not blaming you for her affair, but I don't see how this can be fixed. It's been 7 years, you can't give her intimacy, you can't give her children, and you haven't made any sort of progress towards fixing it... even if you try to reconcile what kind of "marriage" are you going to end up with? Why would you put both of you through hell trying to reconcile for nothing? She is a human being with natural desires for love and sex and children, she deserves that.

 

You deserve someone to be faithful to you but I don't think you should be in a relationship PERIOD until you have sorted out whatever deep psychological trauma is causing your issues, it is grossly unfair to your partner be they your wife or someone new.

 

Let her go. Putting myself in her shoes I can't see any reason for her to even try to reconcile other than guilt. Guilt isn't something to build a new marriage on.

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painfullyobvious
Hi all,

 

that she "needs the time apart to figure out all the worries she has about us".

 

QUOTE]

 

 

 

Not to alarm you but this is a common way (code) that wandering spouses continue their affairs. "I need to figure some things out so leave me alone for a bit while I continue to cheat. This is how my reconciliation began and guess what I found? A deeper well into the infidelity abyss. Not saying this is what is happening but keep a watchful eye here.

 

 

Not excusing your wife's behavior but you need help with your sexual issues. Seven years for celibacy is asking a lot of anyone in a marriage.

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i feel that you are blaming yourself for her straying- STOP RIGHT THERE! the stagnant marriage you two were experiencing was as much her fault as yours. she should've come to you with these concerns about the state of your marriage, rather than screw some other guy.

 

 

now, it seems like you want to reconcile. that's an option, but not as long as she still harbors these feelings for the OM. she needs to be totally dedicated to this just as much as you are. she needs to do all the heavy-lifting, though.

 

that being said- 1)she needs to go NC(no contact) with this guy. have her write up a NC letter with your approval and insist on being there when it is sent. 2) if this man is married or in a relationship, notify his SO. this person has a right to know, as you did. 3) she either needs to quit and/or find another job, if you aren't comfortable with her working in close proximity to this guy.

 

 

one thing that is often said in situations like these is, "you've gotta be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it." this means you gotta play hardball here.

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Humans are sexual beings and have needs that go beyond simple companionship and support. She also wants to bare children and raise a family.

 

As you have never had a sexlife and there is no tangible reason for her to believe there ever will be one, she is in her right to move on. The moralists can cry foul that she fiddled around before divorcing but that is simply the nature of the beast. People stack the deck in their favor as much as they can before cutting the ties. That's simply how the world works.

 

You have the right to the sad and you are justified in mourning your loss. But no-one can blame her for moving on. She's put up with more than the vast vast vast majority of men or women would have.

 

Even the Catholic church would officially sanction this divorce.

 

She's already given 7 years of her life while you have said you'll get treated. Continue pursuing treatment in hopes you can provide love and a family to another woman some day but let her go. She's already paid her dues.

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^you are correct..... she does have a right to move on, but he was at least owed an explanation as to why she was moving on- not by cheating on him!

 

if she was so tired of it, why the f_ck did she wait 7 years only to betray him like that? that's reprehensible any way you paint it.

 

this is a classic "exit affair" situation.

 

 

one more thing..... it's true that humans are sexual beings, but they are also cognitive of what is right and what is wrong. that's what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. what she did was WRONG- plain and simple.

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AlwaysGrowing

There was more than one betrayal in this marriage. Many, would view the lack of consumating as there isn't even a marriage.

 

7 YEARS, that is a heck of a long time.

 

Personally, after that much time...I would find it hard to believe that NOW you are ready to address such a fundamental component of marriage.

 

My gut says....she did not betray you sexually. As..that never existed between you.

 

Emotionally, I would say she betrayed you. She should have told you that she could no longer stayed married or that she would be seeking to be fulfilled sexually outside the relationship.

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thinkingofhim
i feel that you are blaming yourself for her straying- STOP RIGHT THERE! the stagnant marriage you two were experiencing was as much her fault as yours. she should've come to you with these concerns about the state of your marriage, rather than screw some other guy.

 

 

now, it seems like you want to reconcile. that's an option, but not as long as she still harbors these feelings for the OM. she needs to be totally dedicated to this just as much as you are. she needs to do all the heavy-lifting, though.

 

that being said- 1)she needs to go NC(no contact) with this guy. have her write up a NC letter with your approval and insist on being there when it is sent. 2) if this man is married or in a relationship, notify his SO. this person has a right to know, as you did. 3) she either needs to quit and/or find another job, if you aren't comfortable with her working in close proximity to this guy.

 

 

one thing that is often said in situations like these is, "you've gotta be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it." this means you gotta play hardball here.

 

"stagnant marriage"? This marriage was never even consummated, by many definitions, it's not a marriage at all.

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My question is, how do I proceed?

 

Do I lay down any demands?

 

How can I get the trust back?

 

I am determined to sort out my sexual issue.

 

What should I expect from her?

 

 

-devote your full time, resources and energies on to fixing your problem. Asking someone who's young and healthy and who wants bare children to stay under these conditions is not reasonable.

 

- one can only make demands when they have the means to back them up. You do not. You don't have the right to demand that anyone live a nonvoluntary celibate and childless life.

 

-you have to be able to trust your abilities to have her choose you first and you can't do that if you are unable to provide her the love and children she wants.

 

- I hope you are able to fix it. However she and any other women have the right to not have to put their lives on hold untill you do. They have the right to confirm you are cured before they make any commitments. That is where your wife screwed up. She believed your reassurances you would get fixed. Don't bet on her making that mistake again.

 

-If you remain unable to meet her needs, you should expect her to ultimately find someone else and leave. She may come back this time out of guilt but as long as you don't meet her needs she will ultimately leave.

 

 

Please seek treatment to the absolute best of your ability. And if you are unable to have a healthy sexlife then please do not become involved with another woman who wants a sexlife and children. There are women out there who only want companionship with no sex and no children. Let this one go and find one of the others.

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tiredofitall2
"stagnant marriage"? This marriage was never even consummated, by many definitions, it's not a marriage at all.

 

You are 100% right. She is a saint for having waited this long. Most women would have left you after a few months. Of course she has feelings for this OM, he gave her intimacy and you didn't. She is invested emotionally. If you will not be able to perform let her go. I'm not saying perform in the future or 1 year down the road, but yesterday. You have to be able to take her and make her feel like a desired woman.

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You are 100% right. She is a saint for having waited this long. Most women would have left you after a few months.

 

She wasn't being held to the marriage at gunpoint. Yes, her devotion and patience to this guy should be commended. But she had other options than to put everything in regards to the relationship at risk, whether they remained married or not.

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^you are correct..... she does have a right to move on, but he was at least owed an explanation as to why she was moving on- not by cheating on him!

 

if she was so tired of it, why the f_ck did she wait 7 years only to betray him like that? that's reprehensible any way you paint it.

 

this is a classic "exit affair" situation.

 

 

one more thing..... it's true that humans are sexual beings, but they are also cognitive of what is right and what is wrong. that's what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. what she did was WRONG- plain and simple.

 

I would normally agree with you if they had some semblance of a normal sexlife and she cheated after a few months or even a year of declining sex.

 

But this is over the top. And there has to be many more layers of dysfunction than what is being relayed here.

 

If she were the one writing in, the advice she would receive would be almost exclusively to get out ASAP.

 

I realize many will find the infidelity aspect of this distasteful. I think she she's a nut for not doing this 6 years ago.

 

There's more to this story that's being told. All I care about is that he gets fixed and she gets her life back.

 

I realize there are people that can't forgive infidelity under any circumstances. In this particular instance I can.

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tiredofitall2
She wasn't being held to the marriage at gunpoint. Yes, her devotion and patience to this guy should be commended. But she had other options than to put everything in regards to the relationship at risk, whether they remained married or not.

 

Not gunpoint, but the commitment of the vows she made. For her this was enough to wait this long, but broke under the pressure of it all. Then OM started paying her compliments and making her feel wanted and desired. She fell for it and made the wrong choice. Of course she should have D hir or confronted him about it, but the truth of the matter is A don't happen this way. It is the snowball effect.

 

I'd be willing to bet the subject of the sexless marriage was beaten to death and he promised and not performed. I'm willing to bet OP kept saying tomorrow will be the day I will take you and make you my woman, but that day never came.

 

Yes, she made a bad choice, but I just cannot blame her for it. Not in such an extreme case of neglect.

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unicorn farts

This level of neglect is extreme and I would call it abusive, honestly. I can't imagine the lies and broken promises and emotional manipulation it has taken to keep her for seven years. I am strongly against infidelity but in this case I believe she was like an animal in a trap. Subconsciously desperate to escape her shackles, she gnawed her own leg off.

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she was like an animal in a trap. Subconsciously desperate to escape her shackles, she gnawed her own leg off.

 

This sounds like a great voiceover for a movie trailer. A woman who's still calling him the love of her life? Not so much.

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