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Do I tell the OM wife?


nabelp

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Good Afternoon...

 

Today is day 50 for me. I found out my wife had a affair 12 years ago. It is the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. Even though its been 12 years for her, it was yesterday to me.

I have decided to stay and try to make it work. So far, it seems to be working and we have never communicated better in our 23 years of marriage. There is a definite change in her and I see the remorse in her (although 50% of that remorse is because she got found out).

I am having a dilemma on whether or not to tell the wife of the OM. I have all her contact information (facebook, email). I can get a hold of her in a snap of a finger. However, part of me is scared of what might happen. I don't need a crazy pyscho bi**h interfering with my life if I do make contact. However, she has a right to know what husband did with my wife 12 years ago. They have been married 15 years.

Can someone tell me what to do? Does she really have a right to know? Part of me wants her to go through the same pain and hurt that I have gone through. Sometimes I think I would only do it for revenge but if it was me, I would want someone to tell me. After I discovered my wife's affair, I found out that four people along with pretty much a whole work place knew what my wife and this other guy were doing. No one told me a thing and out of the four people that knew, I was still in contact with 3 of them as of 50 days ago. It upsets me to no end that none of them told me and all three of them knew this for 12 years. Needless to say, my wife has lost 3 friends because of this.

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What good is it going to do? If your wife is no longer in contact with the OM if you tell his wife, that could send your wife & the OM back to each other for support.

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At first I thought, no, it's been a long time.

 

But, after thinking, yes, she does need to know. He should not be allowed to "get away with it" and never suffer for that action.

 

On one hand, you will cause her a lot of hurt and pain, just as you feel. On the other hand....wouldn't you want to know if she found out first.

 

If it were me, I would tell.

 

How did you find this out after 12 years? And did your wife end it or how did it end?

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I would definitely tell her. She should know the truth. For all she knows her husband is a serial cheater and has been and will continue to cheat on here for many more years. It's all fun and games until you get caught.

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How did you find this out after 12 years? And did your wife end it or how did it end?

 

 

 

I found out through some text messages. They were so damning to my wife. After all, she was the one who was telling someone else.

 

There has been no contact with the OM since 2002. My wife ended the affair over the phone.

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I wouldn't want to know. She stayed with him for these 12 years so he must have done some things right. No need to poison her after so many years.

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I stayed focused on the recovery of my marriage for about 2 months but inevitably, it's impossibpe to deny that the other betrayed spouse deserves to be able to make her own informed decisions about how to move forward with her life. I'm not an advocate of widespread exposure to everyone (some people are) and I didn't expose to my kids or my wife's workplace but there just is no getting around telling the other betrayed spouse. It's just something that has to be done. Even you have expressed anger about those who didn't tell you; don't leave her to waste any more of her life.

 

As for her being crazy/psycho, it's a potential risk. It's wise to tell her that you've discovered a long-dead affair between them and to offer her as many details as you are able. But also express the fact that you've decided to reconcile with your wife and to that end, would like to give her one opportunity to ask questions, requesting no contact from her or her husband thereafter. Ultimately, she may come back with more questions (because her husband will likely lie through his teeth) and so you may need to permit one additional contact from her but at least you will have laid the groundwork for no contact thereafter.

 

As for those here that say not to tell, I'd bet they are in the cheater camp or are an other man/other woman themselves.

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I am having a dilemma on whether or not to tell the wife of the OM. I have all her contact information (facebook, email). I can get a hold of her in a snap of a finger. However, part of me is scared of what might happen. I don't need a crazy pyscho bi**h interfering with my life if I do make contact. However, she has a right to know what husband did with my wife 12 years ago. They have been married 15 years.

Can someone tell me what to do? Does she really have a right to know? Part of me wants her to go through the same pain and hurt that I have gone through.

 

Okay, wow. I have never heard of a BS (someone in your position) wanting to hurt the other BS involved (the wife of the man your wife had an affair with). You really want to tell her to make her hurt like you did? Like you, she was a victim of the horrible betrayal that your wife and her husband took part in.

 

Why would she be bat sh*t crazy? She would be hurt just like you are. Did you go psycho crazy? Otherwise, why would she?

 

Why would you want to hurt her? I'm shaking my head here.

 

People have varying opinions (all valid) about whether to tell the other betrayed spouse. But I've never heard one say they told because they wanted the other BS to hurt as badly as they did. That is just sad to me.

 

FTR, I never told the OW's husband in my situation. To be honest, it never occurred to me at that time. However, I would have never told him just so that he could hurt like I did.

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As for those here that say not to tell, I'd bet they are in the cheater camp or are an other man/other woman themselves.

 

No. I'm just realistic. If I had spent 15 years of marriage with a man (plus some years in a relationship) and probably had had kids with him by now, I would not let what happened 12 years ago ruin my present. Mistakes happen and having gone through all these years with happiness without knowing this, I don't need to know about this now. If he had chosen me, this would be enough. I'm not heartless, I'm just being realistic.

 

What you don't know can't hurt you. And after 12 years it's too late to get hurt by this.

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No. I'm just realistic. If I had spent 15 years of marriage with a man (plus some years in a relationship) and probably had had kids with him by now, I would not let what happened 12 years ago ruin my present. Mistakes happen and having gone through all these years with happiness without knowing this, I don't need to know about this now. If he had chosen me, this would be enough. I'm not heartless, I'm just being realistic.

 

What you don't know can't hurt you. And after 12 years it's too late to get hurt by this.

 

What you don't know CAN hurt you. What if her husband is out banging many different women presently and coming home and banging his wife. Then one day his wife wakes up with HERPES and AIDS and asks herself what the hell just happened. At least she'd be aware of what he HAS done and start her own investigation to determine if she'd like to stay in the marriage or not. That's like saying a cold case that's gone dormant for 12 years doesn't warrant an investigation when new evidence is brought forth since it's been 12 years and everybody has already moved on.

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What you don't know can't hurt you. And after 12 years it's too late to get hurt by this.

 

baloney. she's probablly still wondering why she felt crazy 12 years ago and he's probably still banging OW.

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No. I'm just realistic. If I had spent 15 years of marriage with a man (plus some years in a relationship) and probably had had kids with him by now, I would not let what happened 12 years ago ruin my present. Mistakes happen and having gone through all these years with happiness without knowing this, I don't need to know about this now. If he had chosen me, this would be enough. I'm not heartless, I'm just being realistic.

 

What you don't know can't hurt you. And after 12 years it's too late to get hurt by this.

 

I couldn't possibly disagree more. This man could be a serial cheater and STDs can most certainly hurt you, especially if you don't know about them.

 

The other betrayed spouse is a grown up and deserves the right to make her own informed decision, not to have others assume or make their own judgment that she doesn't need to know. She may have been gaslighted for years and this could be the one chance she has to know the truth.

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If you hav valid reason to believe the affair is still ongoing then yes you should tell. The main reason to inform the other spouse is because rats flourish in the dark and shining the light on the affair will help blow up the affair and cause the OM/OW to go into damage control to deal with their own spouse and hopefully leave yours alone. It can also be used as a bargaining chip to hold over the OMs head if he doesn't stay away.

 

In this case if they have truly not had contact for a dozen years, I question the relevance.

 

I get that he shouldn't be able to get off Scott-free, but that does seem a lot like simple vengence.

 

Does the wife have a right to know?? If he has continued cheating, yes.

 

If he has been on the straight and narrow since then, I'm not so sure.

 

By telling, you may be bringing pain and anguish to family for no benifit or anyone.

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How did you find this out after 12 years? And did your wife end it or how did it end?

 

 

 

I found out through some text messages. They were so damning to my wife. After all, she was the one who was telling someone else.

 

There has been no contact with the OM since 2002. My wife ended the affair over the phone.

 

I'm sorry to say this but I find it quite odd that your wife is still texting about an affair that supposedly ended all those years ago. If she no longer is involved with the OM and says he means nothing to her then he shouldn't really be a topic of discussion like this.

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There has been no contact with the OM since 2002. My wife ended the affair over the phone.

 

I insist I wouldn't want to know. And what is this obsession with STDs? It seems you all tend to believe all OWs are whores who just sleep with everyone never having heard of protection. Well this is not the case most of the times. Most of the times OWs are insecure women or married women who want to spice their marriage a bit. Anyway we disagree, lets move on.;)

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Part of me wants her to go through the same pain and hurt that I have gone through.

 

 

Nabelp, has OM's wife done anything to you? If not, why do you want her to go through any pain at all? She is just a victim of the affair your wife had with her husband. You should be angry with your wife, and her OM, but you are too weak to divorce her and/or to directly confront him. I can understand that you want to save your marriage but don't misdirect your anger toward a completely innocent individual.

 

And yes.... OM's wife has a right to know about what happend. No question about that.

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Posters talk about what cards to play like they're reading from some infidelity textbook. Doesn't anybody worry about their safety in this crazy world? You kick the hornet's nest and stir up trouble in someone else's marriage so many years later... What if the OM's wide doesn't believe you? What if the OM comes at you violently?

 

OP, you have more to gain by trying to move forward and focus on your wife and your marriage. Odds are if you tell the OM's wife you'll be dealing with fallout in some way, shape or form. Do you really want or need that in your life? Does your wife?

 

You'd be spreading the pain around. I don't see an upside.

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It depends on a number of things:

 

1. What was your W telling her friend in the texts? Was it that she regrets ever having the A or was she gloating/bragging/reminiscing? In what context was she discussing the A?

 

2. Are you absolutely sure that NC was maintained for 12 years? Is he now a former workmate?

 

3. What do you know about this man? Is he a serial cheater? Has he been known to "see" other women?

 

If she was regretting the A, she may have been trying to make a point. Say discourage her friend from having an A. If she was bragging or in some way seemed self-satisfied about it, then you have a problem that needs action now. If it's a former workmate and they have zero contact and haven't had it for 12 years then I would leave it alone. If they still work together, I would tell the BS. And finally if he is a serial cheater I would definitely tell the BS just for her information.

 

I get the anger. You probably feel like the last 12 years have been a lie and that those who knew have been walking around carrying a secret that you should have known about. You feel somewhat violated. However, it is more normal than you think that spouses keep old As secret for as long as they can. They figure that it's over and don't want to rock the boat.

 

I think that if you are feeling stressed about this, if you need to do something to regain control of the situation, then by all means go ahead and expose. However be sure that you will deal with any repercussions reasonably. Your W may not forgive you (which in my book doesn't carry any weight), the BW may lose it completely and make your W's life hell, the BW may not react in the way you expect and this won't make you feel better...etc. Sometimes we overthink things. We put everybody else first but it is important to put yourself first in cases like this. I would tell the BW. I would also treat this as if it happened yesterday because to me the number of years past wouldn't make a difference to the fact that I was betrayed. I'd blow it wide open so that I make sure I have all the facts.

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I insist I wouldn't want to know. And what is this obsession with STDs? It seems you all tend to believe all OWs are whores who just sleep with everyone never having heard of protection. Well this is not the case most of the times. Most of the times OWs are insecure women or married women who want to spice their marriage a bit. Anyway we disagree, lets move on.;)

 

This is more nonsense. Affair partners have a horrible reputation about using protection. They're not in an affair because they're making the safe decisions; they're taking a huge risk in exchange for huge reward. For the record, I said nothing about OW being whores.

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whiterabbit46

Nabelp, I read your other threads and I'm not sure what to say here. Yes, it was a long time ago, but the pain and humiliation is brand new for you. And something else I'm not sure about: now maybe I read incorrectly, but in one of your threads did you say that you recently caught her "sexting" other guy, and that someone was trying to get her to meet with him for whatever, but she kept coming up with excuses not to meet? If I read that correctly, it seems as though she's up to her old tricks. Not saying you should leave her, but that certainly would give me pause for thought. Wonder what else she's been up to lately? Hmmmmmmm. Not looking promising my friend.

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I found out through some text messages. They were so damning to my wife. After all, she was the one who was telling someone else.
The fact that your wife recently told this new other man ("OM") about her affair speaks volumes about who she is today, not 12 years ago. She was going to take it to her grave not telling you, but has no problem telling this OM that she did not respect you or your marriage, and that she has successfully played you for the fool before. Why do you think she told this new OM this? You know why. She told the new OM about the affair because she wanted him to know that she was available to him if he played his cards right. This is something that she is doing today, not 12 years ago. 12 years later, she is clearly not ashamed or remorseful for the affair.

 

Most cheaters hide the affair from everyone not just the husband. What I find really demeaning to you is that she did not care to keep her past affair a secret from others, and had no problem letting many people know even today. You know some of these people. By letting so many other people know about her secret affair, she is letting them and you know (now that you found out) just how little respect she has for you. Based on her current view of the affair, and her current disrespect for you, I would not be able to move on with her.

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Good Afternoon...

 

Today is day 50 for me. I found out my wife had a affair 12 years ago. It is the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. Even though its been 12 years for her, it was yesterday to me.

I have decided to stay and try to make it work. So far, it seems to be working and we have never communicated better in our 23 years of marriage. There is a definite change in her and I see the remorse in her (although 50% of that remorse is because she got found out).

I am having a dilemma on whether or not to tell the wife of the OM. I have all her contact information (facebook, email). I can get a hold of her in a snap of a finger. However, part of me is scared of what might happen. I don't need a crazy pyscho bi**h interfering with my life if I do make contact. However, she has a right to know what husband did with my wife 12 years ago. They have been married 15 years.

Can someone tell me what to do? Does she really have a right to know? Part of me wants her to go through the same pain and hurt that I have gone through. Sometimes I think I would only do it for revenge but if it was me, I would want someone to tell me. After I discovered my wife's affair, I found out that four people along with pretty much a whole work place knew what my wife and this other guy were doing. No one told me a thing and out of the four people that knew, I was still in contact with 3 of them as of 50 days ago. It upsets me to no end that none of them told me and all three of them knew this for 12 years. Needless to say, my wife has lost 3 friends because of this.

 

Yes, of course she has a right to know. Don't you? Didn't you?

 

But why are you so angry at her?

 

Shouldn't your anger be projected at your wife AND her OM?

 

Have you confronted him? If not, why not?

 

Start there.

 

I'd hate for you to project your anger at your wife and her OM on his poor, unsuspecting BS.

 

How would YOU FEEL if she did that to you after discovering it accidentally 12 years after the fact? Not too good, and you would not be all that believable with that tone of voice.

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AlwaysGrowing

I am of the belief that we shouldn't treat adults like little children who "can't handle the truth". It is so condescending to be treated as such. As the OP attested to from his own perspective.

 

Inform the OBS, tell them that they can asked questions, that you will answer them and that you have decided to work on your marriage and would like no further contact.

 

I think more than likely it is not the OBS that you seek to hurt, rather the OM. You just want him to know...that you know what he did...and he didn't get away with it. Basically, he has been put on notice.

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Yes, of course she has a right to know. Don't you? Didn't you?

 

But why are you so angry at her?

 

Shouldn't your anger be projected at your wife AND her OM?

 

Have you confronted him? If not, why not?

 

Start there.

 

I'd hate for you to project your anger at your wife and her OM on his poor, unsuspecting BS.

 

How would YOU FEEL if she did that to you after discovering it accidentally 12 years after the fact? Not too good, and you would not be all that believable with that tone of voice.

 

Its not that I want to hurt her. I already have reached out to the OM on November 9th and got no reply.

My anger is not towards her at all. Its at my wife (there were many fights over this but I was the one arguing and she took it) and the OM.

I know what I am going through and its horrible. I do want him to squirm and know that he did not get away with it. My words did not come out right on my post. What I am trying to say is that if I have to go through then so should they. Why am I struggling when they are living their life like a normal couple I suppose is more what I mean. Do I want to inflict her pain? No way. I want him to suffer but in order for him to suffer, his wife will have to do the same. Is that wrong?

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I am of the belief that we shouldn't treat adults like little children who "can't handle the truth". It is so condescending to be treated as such. As the OP attested to from his own perspective.

 

Inform the OBS, tell them that they can asked questions, that you will answer them and that you have decided to work on your marriage and would like no further contact.

 

I think more than likely it is not the OBS that you seek to hurt, rather the OM. You just want him to know...that you know what he did...and he didn't get away with it. Basically, he has been put on notice.

 

 

that's it! thanks.

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