Jump to content

Going crazy after discovering partner's affair with my best friend


Womanscorned

Recommended Posts

It has been a little over 6 weeks that I found out that my partner/father of my children was having an affair with my former best friend. They had sex about 6 times over the course of a couple of months. I am beyond devastated. I now know what the feeling of hate feels like. They do not wish to pursue a relationship with each other. She is out of the country for about 3 more weeks. Thank God. My partner and I are working things out and attempting to keep our relationship/family together. We have a newfound love and fondness for each other. Things feel good with him.

 

My feelings for her, however, I feel are destroying my heart. I am a peaceful, yoga practicing, spiritual woman. I want to see this former friend dead. I emailed her and told her I bought a gun. I of course didn't buy a gun, nor would I ever do anything crazy. It was an empty threat. I am not liking the person I am turning into. I have been drinking too much. When I get too drunk, it is like an evil, anger-poisoned person comes out. I don't know this person. She scares me.

 

I am so torn up by what this person I trusted so deeply has done to my family. These emotions are torturous! I do not know how to process them, rather than just feel them. I am looking to hear from people who may have been through a similar experience....infidelity with your partner and your best friend. How did you cope? How did you get through it? Did you want to kill your former best friend? Am I crazy? How long will this last? I am desperately needing help.

Link to post
Share on other sites
experiencethedevine
It has been a little over 6 weeks that I found out that my partner/father of my children was having an affair with my former best friend. They had sex about 6 times over the course of a couple of months. I am beyond devastated. I now know what the feeling of hate feels like. They do not wish to pursue a relationship with each other. She is out of the country for about 3 more weeks. Thank God. My partner and I are working things out and attempting to keep our relationship/family together. We have a newfound love and fondness for each other. Things feel good with him.

 

My feelings for her, however, I feel are destroying my heart. I am a peaceful, yoga practicing, spiritual woman. I want to see this former friend dead. I emailed her and told her I bought a gun. I of course didn't buy a gun, nor would I ever do anything crazy. It was an empty threat. I am not liking the person I am turning into. I have been drinking too much. When I get too drunk, it is like an evil, anger-poisoned person comes out. I don't know this person. She scares me.

 

I am so torn up by what this person I trusted so deeply has done to my family. These emotions are torturous! I do not know how to process them, rather than just feel them. I am looking to hear from people who may have been through a similar experience....infidelity with your partner and your best friend. How did you cope? How did you get through it? Did you want to kill your former best friend? Am I crazy? How long will this last? I am desperately needing help.

 

 

 

I'm so sorry that you have been put in such an awful position by two people you trusted.

 

 

Know that the anger and rage you feel about your friend is a part of such an enormous psychological trauma, and that aiming it at your friend is the brain's way of attempting damage limitation to some degree. At some point, you will place it firmly where it belongs. With your partner.

 

 

You are experiencing a temporary 'honeymoon' with him as you try to navigate the enormity of what has occurred, hanging on to your own psychological life raft is perfectly normal at this time.

 

 

It is important that you give yourself time to run the gamut of emotions before making any life changing decisions. Just hang on for the moment.

 

 

I am sure someone here will be able to give you sound advice an d reassurance regarding your position. While like everyone here, I have been affected by infidelity, I have not been affected by the betrayal of a close friend in its regard.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry this happened to you!

 

I had a similar situation happen in my first marriage. The main difference is that I caught them in the act in my house. I made my "best friends" life miserable for awhile and cut her off. Tried to stay with my husband because we had a 6 week old child. But I trued to do it without counseling and my rage and hurt grew for 2 more years, and I wouknd up having a revenge/exit affair with someone close to my husband and leaving him. DONT do what I did....get counseling for yourself now so you can decide in a healthy manner what you want to do.

 

Right now youre taking all your anger out on your friend. But soon you will realize that you have major anger and resentment towards your partner and that needs to be resolved. He also needs individual counseling and couples counseling and you should consider that a MANDATORY requirement from him in order to stay with you. But no matter what happens, seek therapy for you because a double betrayal is hell to deal with and affects your ability to trust anyone for any reason.

Edited by HopingAgain
  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
painfullyobvious

Be careful what you say towards your ex-friend. Statements about buying a gun can be taken as threats. It is frustrating after finding out about the affair and common to blame and hate the other person. I would be more concerned about the reconciliation after your ex-friend returns to the country. There was no way to pursue contact thus it was easy for your partner to put the relationship out of his mind and work on the relationship with her away. When she returns is when he really needs to show his ability to want to reconcile with you. Keep a watchful eye.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
compulsivedancer

Even though it's been 10.5 months since DDay, my H still has times where he feels rage toward xOM, who was his best friend (of about 15 years). He still feels anger every day, but not always the "I want to beat him up" rage.

 

His worldview was radically altered. The two of them had had conversations over the years that had helped create his worldview. In this conversations, they talked about how people who do things like our affairs are distructive to society. H thought that OM would always have his back. He thought that if something had happened between us, OM would've come to him and told him (if I didn't).

 

He went through various stages of anger. He wanted to destroy OM, at various times financially, through his reputation, or physically. He has not done any of these things, but he used a lot of willpower not to do them.

 

OM works on at a place that we often have to drive by. His truck is parked out front when he is there. H wanted to take a baseball bat to his truck.

 

My first thread on LS was about this. H went through a couple months where he was really wanting to just beat OM up (this was about 4-5 months after DDay).

 

I will mention this thread and see if he'd be interested in posting. He's posted before, but since the thread closed, he hasn't posted again.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Just to be clear, I sent her another email 4 hours later apologizing for the gun email. I told her I was feeling emotions I didn't know we're possible and that was not the true me. I apologized again and told her to be well.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
compulsivedancer

Btw, H is not a violent person. He is a builder, not a destroyer. It was incredibly disturbing to see him this way.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
experiencethedevine
I know I should stopr eading these threads, but I can't stop and they just make me more and more depressed. Does this happen to anyone else?

 

 

Perhaps this happens to most posters at some point...........

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers
Just to be clear, I sent her another email 4 hours later apologizing for the gun email. I told her I was feeling emotions I didn't know we're possible and that was not the true me. I apologized again and told her to be well.

 

Your partner deserves the rage more.

 

If it were me I would separate from him until I could come to terms with all of this garbage and get some counseling.

 

It almost seems like you are willing to accept this from him and not her.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
tellitlikeitis

Dear woman scorned, the first issue that needs to be addressed is the hound dog you call a boyfriend....smh. We as women have a really bad habit of automatically placing blame on ONLY the OW (OTHER WOMAN). Although she was suppose to be your friend...he ws suppose to be your man, and with that should have been the one most trusted to be loyal..and he wasnt. It definitely takes 2 to tangle and she didnt do the twist and jerk alone. What do you think the outcome of you completely accepting his role in the affair as innocent will do for your future? He's a lying cheating stanking mangy dog, who had no problems bending your friend every which way on several occassions. NOW ALL BECAUSE HE GOT BUSTED is he playing the good guy role. You have got to love YOURSELF more and not accept the weak excuses he gave you. He cheated and if you decide to keep the louse, at minimum punish him for it. I've seen this happen so many times and trust me IF THERE IS NO CONSEQUENCE BEHIND HIS DIRTY LITTLE DEED, HE WILL DEFINITELY CHEAT ON YOU AGAIN. WHY? CAUSE YOU DID NOTHING ABOUT IT THE FIRST TIME. IM WILLING TO BET MY LIFE ON THAT ONE. Also have you considered what he would have done had it been you passing tail to a guy behind his back repeatedly? Guys dish out things that they cant handle nor would tolerate. Yes your ex bf is a dirty sneaky slut, yes you have every right to be angry, yes you have every right to hate her stinking guts. But good old community penis deserves the same punishment. If you want an honest partner and expect him to be faithful from here on out, he MUST understand what he did was WRONG, YOUR UNDESERVING OF SUCH A BETRAYAL, AND YOU LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH NOT TO TOLERATE THAT BS. What he has gotten thus far is a girlfriend who rewards him for sharing his loose penis with someone who you deamed a bf, by ditching the friend and upholding his part in deceiving you. So all he has learned is to be more deceptive, more creative in stabbing you in the back so he wont get caught, and that he's more important to you than your self respect. Another word of advice, I understand your anger. Ive been cheated on although it wasnt a friend, but the betrayal cut just as deep. Dont even hint at threats, mention a gun or anything threatening. She's already shown you she's a snake and can file threat charges against you. However, if you want to call her good ole community padussy, I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. You can also tell her if she trys contacting you at all, you will file stalking and harrassment charges against her. That should stop any form of contact from her as well as the thought. As for you so called bf....he needs to earn your trust and understand what he did wasnt okay. Personally Id have dropped him like the hot sack of runny poop he seems to be. Get a makeover, hang out with some real friends, dont always be available and see how easy it is to train a mutt properly. If he really loves you, he wont be far, he'll have learned his lesson, and not be so quick to pass his penis around like its government cheese. Lol. Good luck honey.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
tellitlikeitis

It may be a bit weird, but sometimes its so much easier to get through something like this when you have others to talk to and whom may be going through what you are. Im a member of dailystrength.org, its free, and its a forum of over 10, 000 various issues and life's issues. Once you join find the infidelity group under the I's. There you will meet couple who are married, some dating, and others who live together who are either recovering and rebuilding, some who have just found out. Either way, you can write journals, ask questions, vent, or simply hear others tell their story. I think you will enjoy it, meet great people, discover your not alone, its not your fault, and you can survive with or without him.:rolleyes:

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
compulsivedancer
Why would you cheat with your husbands best friend? That sounds especially cruel to me, you give him two betrayals instead of one.

If i had been thinking about H when I did it, I wouldn't've cheated. We had discussed having an open relationship and were discussing it with OM. H did not end to giving permission, but we went ahead without it. You can read more on my older threads, if you want, but I don't want to t/j.

Link to post
Share on other sites
confusedandhurt2002

I had a similar reaction when I found out about my husband and his ex girlfriend. I don't know her at all and have no desire to. I sent her a message on FB and told her I wanted her to die. THt was all. I immediately regretted it. One, because it's not like me ad two,she could send the cops after me. I actually apologized to the Bi.tch before blocking her and her family members quickly. I still regret it but boy would i love to hit her several times. And the anger against my husbnad did get worse but was never as intense as it was toward her.

 

It has been a little over 6 weeks that I found out that my partner/father of my children was having an affair with my former best friend. They had sex about 6 times over the course of a couple of months. I am beyond devastated. I now know what the feeling of hate feels like. They do not wish to pursue a relationship with each other. She is out of the country for about 3 more weeks. Thank God. My partner and I are working things out and attempting to keep our relationship/family together. We have a newfound love and fondness for each other. Things feel good with him.

 

My feelings for her, however, I feel are destroying my heart. I am a peaceful, yoga practicing, spiritual woman. I want to see this former friend dead. I emailed her and told her I bought a gun. I of course didn't buy a gun, nor would I ever do anything crazy. It was an empty threat. I am not liking the person I am turning into. I have been drinking too much. When I get too drunk, it is like an evil, anger-poisoned person comes out. I don't know this person. She scares me.

 

I am so torn up by what this person I trusted so deeply has done to my family. These emotions are torturous! I do not know how to process them, rather than just feel them. I am looking to hear from people who may have been through a similar experience....infidelity with your partner and your best friend. How did you cope? How did you get through it? Did you want to kill your former best friend? Am I crazy? How long will this last? I am desperately needing help.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

you need to cease all contact with this former "friend". if she is married or in a relationship, should notice her SO. he has a right to know.

 

if there's anyrhing more reprehensible than cheating on someone, the double-betrayal takes the cake.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
tellitlikeitis
It has been a little over 6 weeks that I found out that my partner/father of my children was having an affair with my former best friend. They had sex about 6 times over the course of a couple of months. I am beyond devastated. I now know what the feeling of hate feels like. They do not wish to pursue a relationship with each other. She is out of the country for about 3 more weeks. Thank God. My partner and I are working things out and attempting to keep our relationship/family together. We have a newfound love and fondness for each other. Things feel good with him.

 

My feelings for her, however, I feel are destroying my heart. I am a peaceful, yoga practicing, spiritual woman. I want to see this former friend dead. I emailed her and told her I bought a gun. I of course didn't buy a gun, nor would I ever do anything crazy. It was an empty threat. I am not liking the person I am turning into. I have been drinking too much. When I get too drunk, it is like an evil, anger-poisoned person comes out. I don't know this person. She scares me.

 

I am so torn up by what this person I trusted so deeply has done to my family. These emotions are torturous! I do not know how to process them, rather than just feel them. I am looking to hear from people who may have been through a similar experience....infidelity with your partner and your best friend. How did you cope? How did you get through it? Did you want to kill your former best friend? Am I crazy? How long will this last? I am desperately needing help.

 

 

 

I see you havent been a member here long. My heart really goes out to you honey. It hurts when we really love someonevand never imagined they would betray us. I hope your holding on okay. Let us know. Im thinking of you. Im herevif younwantvto talk, yell, vent whatever. If you checked out the dailystrength website..my name is cbazan. You can friend me and read all my journals. It's sure to lighten your spirits, can I can me a real smart butt and when i was pissed, my post were juicier than a episode of basketball wives. Your not alone girlfriend. I wish everyone who is still hurting a speedy recovery. And perhaps some great friendships and galpals can be the upside of such a terrible experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join a gym and learn how to box or do kickboxing. Really, get your anger out that way not only are you ridding of bad and negative energy, you're building your muscles up and will look even more fantastic than you do now!

 

Your ex best friend is real douche-bag. yes, women can be those too! Double betrayal is awful and the two people in the world you thought you could trust, let you down and stabbed you in the heart. I feel for you.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
My partner and I are working things out and attempting to keep our relationship/family together.

 

Umm, why? Stop being pathetic and divorce the man that just cheated on you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
experiencethedevine
Umm, why? Stop being pathetic and divorce the man that just cheated on you.

 

 

 

No need for harsh replies here, the woman is in pain and doesn't need a virtual beating .............................

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
No need for harsh replies here, the woman is in pain and doesn't need a virtual beating .............................

 

That's exactly what's needed around here. It's disgusting to see so many people endorsing the act of "making things work" with someone who has been having sex with another person. Get some dignity people.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
It has been a little over 6 weeks that I found out that my partner/father of my children was having an affair with my former best friend. They had sex about 6 times over the course of a couple of months. I am beyond devastated. I now know what the feeling of hate feels like. They do not wish to pursue a relationship with each other. She is out of the country for about 3 more weeks. Thank God. My partner and I are working things out and attempting to keep our relationship/family together. We have a newfound love and fondness for each other. Things feel good with him.

 

My feelings for her, however, I feel are destroying my heart. I am a peaceful, yoga practicing, spiritual woman. I want to see this former friend dead. I emailed her and told her I bought a gun. I of course didn't buy a gun, nor would I ever do anything crazy. It was an empty threat. I am not liking the person I am turning into. I have been drinking too much. When I get too drunk, it is like an evil, anger-poisoned person comes out. I don't know this person. She scares me.

 

I am so torn up by what this person I trusted so deeply has done to my family. These emotions are torturous! I do not know how to process them, rather than just feel them. I am looking to hear from people who may have been through a similar experience....infidelity with your partner and your best friend. How did you cope? How did you get through it? Did you want to kill your former best friend? Am I crazy? How long will this last? I am desperately needing help.

 

I think it's interesting that you have this amount of hate for her yet you forgave him and took him back. He is your partner and the father of your kids doesn't he owe you even more loyalty as your friend? Don't get me wrong she is pond scum but so is your partner. I just find it funny how all is forgiven with your partner but you still have hate for her.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd suggest kicking him out and not talking to him for a while until you collect your thoughts. Don't allow him to say the right things to you and cloud your judgement. After a few weeks, once you've had time to think, I'd make a decision of what to do.

 

I mean of course the guy is being good now. He's trying to back peddle.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I've read some of your past threads and it does seem that your husband still has feelings for your friend because he didn't or doesn't want to stop all contact. You definitely have a cheating issue with your husband and you need to kick him to the curb. I know you don't want to do that but at least come back home and start couples counseling to get to the root of the problem if you can. By forgiving in to him so easilly and the fact that he slept with your best friend, you may have this problem with him again.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
experiencethedevine
That's exactly what's needed around here. It's disgusting to see so many people endorsing the act of "making things work" with someone who has been having sex with another person. Get some dignity people.

 

 

 

What precisely are you doing here? It doesn't appear that you have any constructive contribution to make on this forum as you appear so adamantly against anyone choosing to remain with someone who has been involved in an affair?

 

 

It's also 'disgusting' when people barge in with bad manners and nothing positive to contribute!

Link to post
Share on other sites
experiencethedevine
It has been a little over 6 weeks that I found out that my partner/father of my children was having an affair with my former best friend. They had sex about 6 times over the course of a couple of months. I am beyond devastated. I now know what the feeling of hate feels like. They do not wish to pursue a relationship with each other. She is out of the country for about 3 more weeks. Thank God. My partner and I are working things out and attempting to keep our relationship/family together. We have a newfound love and fondness for each other. Things feel good with him.

 

My feelings for her, however, I feel are destroying my heart. I am a peaceful, yoga practicing, spiritual woman. I want to see this former friend dead. I emailed her and told her I bought a gun. I of course didn't buy a gun, nor would I ever do anything crazy. It was an empty threat. I am not liking the person I am turning into. I have been drinking too much. When I get too drunk, it is like an evil, anger-poisoned person comes out. I don't know this person. She scares me.

 

I am so torn up by what this person I trusted so deeply has done to my family. These emotions are torturous! I do not know how to process them, rather than just feel them. I am looking to hear from people who may have been through a similar experience....infidelity with your partner and your best friend. How did you cope? How did you get through it? Did you want to kill your former best friend? Am I crazy? How long will this last? I am desperately needing help.

 

 

I would strongly suggest that you distance yourself from your partner for the time being and either leave to stay with someone close to you, or ask him to do so. You need space and time to decide what is right for you, and at the moment you are clinging to the life raft of your relationship through fear.

 

 

The friend you no longer have is irrelevant now. She should no longer exist in your life. When she returns, if she attempts to make contact with you, send her a letter/email insisting that she no longer contacts you in any way or you will instigate proceedings for harassment.

 

 

Your partner will show his true colours if he really intends to make things work with you, but you MUST remove yourself from this situation for the time being. It is simply a continually ticking bomb.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
It doesn't appear that you have any constructive contribution to make on this forum as you appear so adamantly against anyone choosing to remain with someone who has been involved in an affair?

 

Telling someone not to choose to remain with someone who has been involved in an affair is the most constructive contribution that can be made in such a situation. It's called having dignity, and moving on to something better. Are you serious right now?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...