Shaken and Upset

[HopingAgain]

Yesterday afternoon my husband was on the phone with his best friend. He called me over after he'd hung up to tell me that their other friend had gotten caught by his wife cheating again! His wife got suspicious and put GPS on his car and tracked him down at a restaurant with another woman when he had lied and said he was at his buddys house.

 

I felt terrible and immediately angry. Their friend was formerly my husbands coworker, the same one who had introduced my husband to his ex OW almost a year ago. So I have held animosity towards him for almost a year but had let it go because he and his wife reconciked (he was cheating on her at the same time my H was before). We still saw them occasionally at my husbands best friends house and I truly like his wife so for her sake I was amicable.

 

Now I am really bothered by this news because I feel so sorry for his wife. She had taken her husband back and they seemed to be doing very well and happy again, abd he cheats again with a new OW less than a year after she caught him and threw him out last time. He is now staying with his cousin and she is moving. On top of feeling bad for her athis has triggered me and my fears. His wife and I were kind of "Dday/Reconcilistion buddies" we were both rebuilding at the same time and rooting for eachothers marriages. Its a painful reminder that there are no guarantees.

Edited December 12, 2013 by HopingAgain

[BetrayedH]

Ugh. Sorry, Hoping. Just keep in mind that her husband is not your husband.

[Sub]

This may serve as an example to your husband, though. Seeing the effects of what his friend has done, again. I can't see how he would look at the situation and think "Hmmmm. I think I might just give it another go.", in regards to your fears.

[underwater2010]

Sorry to hear this. I would scare the crap out of me and infuriate me even more.

 

 

Maybe this is a great opportunity to talk with your husband. And just maybe it might be a good thing for the both of you. Sometimes the reminder of just how bad things get when an affair happens can keep their eyes open.

 

 

HUGS!!!

 

 

FYI...you called it on this man not being a friend of the marriage. Or a good influence.

[Spark1111]

Yesterday afternoon my husband was on the phone with his best friend. He called me over after he'd hung up to tell me that their other friend had gotten caught by his wife cheating again! His wife got suspicious and put GPS on his car and tracked him down at a restaurant with another woman when he had lied and said he was at his buddys house.

 

I felt terrible and immediately angry. Their friend was formerly my husbands coworker, the same one who had introduced my husband to his ex OW almost a year ago. So I have held animosity towards him for almost a year but had let it go because he and his wife reconciked (he was cheating on her at the same time my H was before). We still saw them occasionally at my husbands best friends house and I truly like his wife so for her sake I was amicable.

 

Now I am really bothered by this news because I feel so sorry for his wife. She had taken her husband back and they seemed to be doing very well and happy again, abd he cheats again with a new OW less than a year after she caught him and threw him out last time. He is now staying with his cousin and she is moving. On top of feeling bad for her athis has triggered me and my fears. His wife and I were kind of "Dday/Reconcilistion buddies" we were both rebuilding at the same time and rooting for eachothers marriages. Its a painful reminder that there are no guarantees.

 

Well, she has wasted a year of her life on a spouse who did not appreciate nor respect the gift she gave him to reconcile. Once he lulled her into a false sense of security, he was trawling the waters for his next AP.

 

Without true, real consequences, that DOES seem to be a common occurrence and is why I advocate full-blown exposure.....in hindsight.

 

And stories like these, especially striking so close to home, SHOULD rattle both you and your spouse. It is a reminder that there are no guarantees and NOTHING should be taken for granted in a relationship.

 

I hope you can continue to be supportive to her. She will need it. now, more than ever.

[HopingAgain]

Thank you all for the support. The news really messed up my day yesterday. We had just seen this couple at a birthday party less than 2 weeks ago and they seemed to be doing great. Ugh.

 

My husband seemed really embarrassed telling me. He said he wanted to call the guy and tell him how stupid he was to blow his marriage again after she'd given him another chance. I do hope that at this point shevwill go ahead and divorce him, he h.. He has put hervthrough hell, but they do have 3 children and I know that will probably be a big factor should she choose to stay with him. This time last year, my WH was his partner in crime. Nowhe is embarrased to ever have been associated with the man. What a difference a year can make!

 

I do want to talk to him about how this has made me feel, my immediate reaction was to call the guy an ******* and expressing concern for his wife. And I did mention how much I felt that his friend influenced my husband last year. But I'd like to discuss my deeper feelings and fears with my H, just unsure how to start off the conversation. I dont want him to feel attacked or accused.

Edited December 12, 2013 by HopingAgain

[underwater2010]

I know that our stories are pretty close in nature. I have a question....does your husband take offense still when anything regarding affairs is brought up? At this point my husband gets it and understands my disgust about affairs in general.

 

 

If you find he is the same, then start the conversation off as I am not directing this at you, but this news has...... Fill in the blank. It might even open your eyes to his thinking now.

[Fluttershy]

Spark- i really don't think this is a scorched earth situation. Most repeat offenders everyone knows they are anyways. No amount of tellin will change that. Exposure should be on a need to know basis (I need you to know because x) not because it "is what you have to do". No where in this story does it sound like people didn't know... I really don't get the irrational idea that wide exposure will cure a cheater. I have met a few seriel cheaters over the years and every tom dik and harry knew they were... And they kept on keeping on. Basically, i don't think that comment fits at all.

 

Hoping- If your husband is truly changing he won't feel accused or defensive i you approach him eith your trigger/fears. He will comfort ounand assure you once again that he won't be that man. Be honest with him ad I think it will help you pull even closer together.

[HopingAgain]

Forgot to add:

 

I want to reach out to her, but think it may be best to wait for her to tell me what happened. I dont want her to feel mortified if I tell her I heard, thinking that the news is spreading like wild fire. Our circle is pretty small so I figure she wont be surprised that we know now, but itdont want to take the chance on her being embarrased more. What do you all think? Reach out, or wait until I see her next? Before we found out what happened, she had asked my husbands best friend if we could help her move after Christmas. We are going out of town but should be back by then. That would be a good opportunity to be there for her.

[underwater2010]

Forgot to add:

 

I want to reach out to her, but think it may be best to wait for her to tell me what happened. I dont want her to feel mortified if I tell her I heard, thinking that the news is spreading like wild fire. Our circle is pretty small so I figure she wont be surprised that we know now, but itdont want to take the chance on her being embarrased more. What do you all think? Reach out, or wait until I see her next? Before we found out what happened, she had asked my husbands best friend if we could help her move after Christmas. We are going out of town but should be back by then. That would be a good opportunity to be there for her.

I vote to help her move....and give her a huge hug!!!

[Fluttershy]

You know her best. Some people appreciate the gesture of reaching out. Others prefer space and to do the approaching.

[HopingAgain]

I know that our stories are pretty close in nature. I have a question....does your husband take offense still when anything regarding affairs is brought up? At this point my husband gets it and understands my disgust about affairs in general.

 

 

If you find he is the same, then start the conversation off as I am not directing this at you, but this news has...... Fill in the blank. It might even open your eyes to his thinking now.

 

Underwater, no he doesnt take offense at all. He seems really embarrassed and ashamedwhen topics of infidelity come up now. I was glad he told me what happened with his ex co worker right away after he found out, I know he didnt know how I would take it, especially with his history with the guy and the role he helped to play in the start of Hs affair. It was a risk for him to tell me and I am glad he handled it the way he did and also expressed his disgust for what his friend had done. He has grown a lot in that area.

 

I like your suggestion of how to start the conversation, it will let him know right from the start that theres a non confrontational tone. Thank you!

[HopingAgain]

Spark- i really don't think this is a scorched earth situation. Most repeat offenders everyone knows they are anyways. No amount of tellin will change that. Exposure should be on a need to know basis (I need you to know because x) not because it "is what you have to do". No where in this story does it sound like people didn't know... I really don't get the irrational idea that wide exposure will cure a cheater. I have met a few seriel cheaters over the years and every tom dik and harry knew they were... And they kept on keeping on. Basically, i don't think that comment fits at all.

 

Hoping- If your husband is truly changing he won't feel accused or defensive i you approach him eith your trigger/fears. He will comfort ounand assure you once again that he won't be that man. Be honest with him ad I think it will help you pull even closer together.

 

He is a serial cheater, and last time it happened he was kicked out immediately and exposed. Unfortunately that didnt do the trick. He successfully fooled everyone again. He must feel some shame though hes avoiding his friends phone calls.

 

I agree with your thoughts about my husbands reaction when I approach him with this.

[Spark1111]

I am equally devastated on behalf of their children!

 

know of a couple this happened to....

 

They seemingly put humpy dumpy together. the kids were elated....and one day after he dropped her off at a wedding they were attending she received a text not meant for her while he went to park the car!

 

same OW. His oldest daughter HATES him with a passion that is so sad.....and makes no bones about it within earshot of him and his family with the exception of his parents. But it is obvious to all....

 

This poor family.

[harrybrown]

Your H did the crime, he needs to help you thru these feelings and pain.

 

If you can do it without getting in his face, it may help to bring you two closer together.

[HopingAgain]

I am equally devastated on behalf of their children!

 

know of a couple this happened to....

 

They seemingly put humpy dumpy together. the kids were elated....and one day after he dropped her off at a wedding they were attending she received a text not meant for her while he went to park the car!

 

same OW. His oldest daughter HATES him with a passion that is so sad.....and makes no bones about it within earshot of him and his family with the exception of his parents. But it is obvious to all....

 

This poor family.

 

Yes, the impact on the kids is devastating. I'm her friend on FB too, and had an inkling something was wrong but didnt know what. I saw a pic of her and her kids and shevwas smiling but the kids looked miserable. Now I realize she was trying to put on a brave face. Its unreal that this jerk chose right before Christmas to do this to his fanily too! Those poor kids!

 

What a sad situation with the couple you know...and for the BS to.discover it at a WEDDING of all places! Sickening. How horrifying for her and the kids. Did they divorce?

[HopingAgain]

Your H did the crime, he needs to help you thru these feelings and pain.

 

If you can do it without getting in his face, it may help to bring you two closer together.

 

Agreed. And I am definitely going to approach this carefully as I dont want im to think that I am currently angry and suspicious towards him. I am angry and fearful because of what happened before,and how this news triggered those feelings not because of anything hes doing now, so its important that distinction come across clearly.

[painfullyobvious]

Remind your husband that this guy will have a roommate if he (your husband) is caught cheating again. Many cheaters run in "packs" at work, among friends, etc. Keep the communication about your triggers open with him. Continue to be an asset to your friend during this time even though your marriage is in much better condition than hers.

 

 

The children will have such stability for the role model their father has put forth. Suggest those kids get in counseling and your friend as well. Its situations like this that infuriate me because a persons selfishness can not only screw up one persons life but a bunch of people.

[Fluttershy]

I don't think threatening her husband is the way to go... But thankfully, HA seems to know this as well.

[HopingAgain]

Yeah, Im definitely not going to threaten him. That would just put him on the defensive and likely start an argument, and I dont want him to second guess his decision to tell me what happened. He already knows what I will do if he cheats again so the balls in his court on that one.

[Journee]

I almost posted a similar thread. One of my best girlfriend's of the last 15 years called nee crying the other day after she found out the extent of her boyfriend's " friendship" with a MW. She is devastated and embarrassed as he was telling this MOW how he was done with my friend and they complained about their SO's together. He was actually supposed to go see this woman on Thanksgiving as he missed her so much. Ugh. Yet, when confronted what did he do? Confessed his love for my friend and wants to go to couples counseling.

 

I didn't realize how much this would trigger me. Strangely enough my H accidentally left his phone on the charge station and went on to work without it that same day. I didn't notice it until I texted him just before his first break and heard it go off. I was on eedge all night hoping that no strange calls or texts came in. The night went by without incident but I realized how deep these triggered feelings are. Just never really knowing what someone else is capable of.... again.

 

I didn't handle my triggering well HA. I brought the A up this morning and it made for a sad morning. When we usually spend the morning when he gets home together having a good time. I made my friend's situation about us quicker than what I could had imagined.

 

Just be open and honest. He likely realizes that something like this will hit a sore spot for you both. Communication is very important so as to not build new resentments.

 

Thinking of you!

[Spark1111]

Yes, the impact on the kids is devastating. I'm her friend on FB too, and had an inkling something was wrong but didnt know what. I saw a pic of her and her kids and shevwas smiling but the kids looked miserable. Now I realize she was trying to put on a brave face. Its unreal that this jerk chose right before Christmas to do this to his fanily too! Those poor kids!

 

What a sad situation with the couple you know...and for the BS to.discover it at a WEDDING of all places! Sickening. How horrifying for her and the kids. Did they divorce?

 

OMG! She moved to divorce immediately! And like so many BSs, just tried to wrap her head around another two wasted years of her life! He did not have to dupe her again....He could have made the break at DDay #1.

 

This fals reconciliation was the nail in the coffin for his kids. They too saw the struggle, the work, the healing....and believed him too.

 

Now, one barely tolerates him for the sake of her son, and the other hisses at him' "Don't you dare try to hug me hello in front of your family, ever."

 

The fBS is moving on. Good job, nice place, some nice dates and seems so at peace now. Sad about the kids, but they are young adults now and on their own.

[HopingAgain]

I almost posted a similar thread. One of my best girlfriend's of the last 15 years called nee crying the other day after she found out the extent of her boyfriend's " friendship" with a MW. She is devastated and embarrassed as he was telling this MOW how he was done with my friend and they complained about their SO's together. He was actually supposed to go see this woman on Thanksgiving as he missed her so much. Ugh. Yet, when confronted what did he do? Confessed his love for my friend and wants to go to couples counseling.

 

I didn't realize how much this would trigger me. Strangely enough my H accidentally left his phone on the charge station and went on to work without it that same day. I didn't notice it until I texted him just before his first break and heard it go off. I was on eedge all night hoping that no strange calls or texts came in. The night went by without incident but I realized how deep these triggered feelings are. Just never really knowing what someone else is capable of.... again.

 

I didn't handle my triggering well HA. I brought the A up this morning and it made for a sad morning. When we usually spend the morning when he gets home together having a good time. I made my friend's situation about us quicker than what I could had imagined.

 

Just be open and honest. He likely realizes that something like this will hit a sore spot for you both. Communication is very important so as to not build new resentments.

 

Thinking of you!

 

Thank you Journee. Thats exactly why I didnt really delve into the conversation yesterday, I was way too emotional and probably would have ended up in an argument with him. I'm sorry about your friend and also for how her situation triggered you.Were you and he able to talk things through later?

 

I appreciate your suggestions!

[Journee]

Thank you Journee. Thats exactly why I didnt really delve into the conversation yesterday, I was way too emotional and probably would have ended up in an argument with him. I'm sorry about your friend and also for how her situation triggered you.Were you and he able to talk things through later?

 

I appreciate your suggestions!

 

Luckily we did not argue. It was more of my trying to make sense of things. Trying to understand why people take part in things like this. I was asking him questions he could not answer. I was asking questions that I am not sure any answer would satisfy. Bleh.

 

How are you doing tonight? Did you get a chance to talk to your H? I hope you are feeling better also. Sometimes you will be on such a good path and something will force a detour. I don't think that is always a bad thing. Talking through these feelings is really very therapeutic. Just working through it.

 

I hope you are well.

[HopingAgain]

We did wind up talking tonight and it went fairly well. He was a little hesitant at first until I reassured him that I wasn't angry AT him or upset with him. I told him I was upset at what his friend did, not just because of feeling bad for his wife but how it triggered me and thinking about what it would feel like to have all that effort at reconciliation go down the drain. He agreed and pretty much reiterated his initial feelings upon finding out, but he also said he didnt want to focus on what had happened with them that we need to focus on working through our own reconciling which of course I agreed with. He really does not bwant to be painted with the same brush as his friend, which is encouraging as he seems to really be working to seperate himself from his former behavior and habits. We also talked about helping his friends wife move, he thinks its a good idea too. I'm glad I decided to discuss it more with him and feel a little better, still unsettled but but also his response was reassuring. I'm sure we will be discussing for awhile as everything between them plays out.

Edited December 13, 2013 by HopingAgain