Cheater Sobbing, Won't Give Space

[DancingWithFlames]

I'm at a total loss....

 

I posted below that a "Bi-Curious" Husband lead to emotional affairs, and obviously, there was a huge lack of trust in the relationship and possibly some manipulation.

 

I'm devastated and at total loss how to handle the situation. Sorry for lack of abbreviations, I don't know lingo.

 

The cheater/lying husband spent most of the past week living at his friend's apartment, then was asked to leave when the old friend broke news he was ending a relationship with his girlfriend of 5+ years, with whom he has a 3-year-old child.

 

He returned home hungover as hell (I've never seen him drunk in my life) and crying hysterically, holding a knife and seemingly contemplating self harm when I found him.

 

He's been a crying wreck ever since, usually beyond the point of words. When he does get something out, it's his apologetic "I'm sorry, there's no good reason for me to have done this. I need help - I have issues."

 

Last night, he started babbling about a host of issues from abandonment by his father who was "never around" after his parent's divorce to resenting his step-father for making him take care of his siblings - changing diapers at age 7.

 

While I know the caring for his siblings to be true (He calls them "The kids" and they have told me about him changing diapers, making dinner, helping with homework, dressing them, etc).... I didn't have a clue he's this broken up.

 

I honestly have never seen a man bawl like this.

 

Meanwhile, I understand he is claiming to have issues - but I want space. I'm really broken up he thought sexting and soliciting gay sex through personal ads (possibly having sex - not sure I believe him it stopped with emails). I don't want to kick him out onto the streets, but I can't have him here.

 

What have others done?

Have you kicked a former wife or husband out, knowing them have no family?

 

I still find myself going onto his computer daily, going through his emails, Facebook, and other social networks, on his phone, to search throgh all his messages and emails to see if there's more.

 

Some part of me wants to believe there's not, but a large part of me doesn't trust him. I'm wasting hours each day feeling compelled to search his computer, phone and more.

 

How do you stop yourself?

[janedoe67]

My radar says manipulation on his part. To test this, I would drive him to a hospital, tell them about the knife incident, and ask for a 24 hour psych hold.

[OpheliaSong]

He doesn't need you, he needs some mental health help pronto.

[D-Lish]

Don't make this about him and his needs right now, because he's wronged you, and you need to make this about you and what you need to do to process this. If you need space, demand space and enforce that decision without guilt.

 

You're allowing his guilt to guide your decisions to the detriment of your own needs. Don't be manipulated into feeling sorry for him when you have every right to be angry as hell.

 

I suspect his issues run pretty deep. He may be struggling with his sexuality, probably has been for a very long time.

 

You do whatever you need to do right now to figure this out. You're entitled to take space from him after what he's done. Don't take on his guilt as an added pressure- because the guilt belongs to him, and the hurt belongs to you.

[whichwayisup]

Does he work? Is he an adult? Then he can go stay at a friends house, crash on their couch, or go to a hotel for a week or so and allow you space. Encourage him to see his family Dr since he needs help there, and/or to speak to a counselor. I'd take it a step further and help with that aspect just because it's the kind thing to do when someone is having a break down (though he caused it!)..

[Oberfeldwebel]

Take your time, he is the one that screwed up, don't rush yourself. Tell him to give you space and if he loves and respects you as he says he does, he will give you the time you need to process the events and decide how you want to move forward.

[painfullyobvious]

Major life events often bring other issues to the surface. While you empathize and sympathize with him it really is not your problem at the moment. You have to address your needs as a result of his actions and will never be able to do that with him there. He made a decision that was based on curiosity land it directly harmed your relationship. Sometimes poor decisions have major consequences.

 

Ask him to seek help, find friends or family for a few months while you consider your options. He needs mental health examination at the least but I think he is afraid to give you space and that's not fair to you