Getting slight satisfaction

[Beezer16]

From OM's BW texting my WS, randomly. As I think I stated in my initial post, my W has been in contact with OM's W, since she feels as if she owes her explanation, and I'm assuming this is completely guilt-ridden. I know it's odd, and I've requested NO contact, as this may just stir things up again

(giving a reason for my W and the OM to talk, even if as an argument) and she has complied. However she receives random messages from OM's BW, usually to the effect. "I'm hating you today" or "Having a bad day, I still can't believe this happened" but sometimes they are a little more "colorful" the latest being yesterday 2 words: "filthy pig".

My W shows me all now, a.s.a.p. being transparent, and when I was shown this, my reaction was "I don't like this, even if she is right" she didn't react. She just

says, "here she goes again". She knows she deserves this and I'm taking satisfaction in the fact that she's getting ripped every now and then & I'm not to blame. On the other hand, I don't like anyone talking to my wife this way, and each time it happens I remember D-Day (I want to move on). So I'm torn on what to do.

Do I: A) contact OM's WW myself, B) let it continue, or C) let my W, file a complaint with the police, as harassment. (This she brought up yesterday)

I know you may be thinking the easy way is to block her #, however the good people at Apple do not have this feature with "i messaging", so the # is blocked from the phone and "texts", but NOT i-message.

Has anyone ever gone through anything like this?

[Sub]

How does your W respond to the messages?

[cozycottagelg]

She can turn imessages off completely and receive everything as a text, therefore blocking the number.

[whatatangledweb]

If you do not want to turn off Imessage then you should call the other BS. Tell her how it makes you feel when she does this. If she knows it triggers you, she may stop.

[Fluttershy]

It is unfortunate that the A has you being someone who enjoys seeing name calling and insults thrown out. I get it but I do find it sad.

As to this woman. She sounds like she may be deflecting her anger towards your wife. Very common. If I were you I would talk to her and tell her that as to the rules of your reconciliation you read all and every text your wife gets and you would appreciate it if she stopped the messages. This woman needs to be seeking help, not hurling insults and by doing this she is keeping all three of you from moving forward. She is hurting and I can see why she does it but as you are also an innocent party involved you don't need to be faced with the mixed emotions these tirades bring.

As was also suggested, block her number and turn of imessaging or a time. If your wife's email is connected to her imessaging as they can be sometime be sure that she is also blocked by email so the messages don't wind up in her email account.

I hope you find a solution.

[Beezer16]

How does your W respond to the messages?

 

She does not.

The last time she did, a few weeks ago, was "this is not you moving on"

In reply to a "nasty-gram" a day after the she said she was seeking counseling and moving on.

[Beezer16]

She can turn imessages off completely and receive everything as a text, therefore blocking the number.

 

We are aware, however the data usage with TEXT would kill financially,

iMessage is free (however it may ultimately be worth every dime$

-thanks for the suggestion

[painfullyobvious]

Contact the other mans wife and explain to her that you understand the frustrating times. Explain that there are times when you want to call up her husband and vent, how you would like to confront him with a beat down but you know better. Tell her you are hurting with each text she sends and trying to reconcile and each nasty text now involves you because you are triggered about the affair and your wife is communicating shame which also effects you. Let her know it time to stop the messages and try to all move on and away from each other. Her messages are bringing their affair to the surface again and actually increase the chances of reconnection. Involve the police if it continues.

 

You need to address your glee towards your wife getting upset with the texts. You want her to hurt I get that but communicate this with her in counseling. This actually is a barrier to reconciliation

[lilmisscantbewrong]

If it continues, she needs to change her number. This is reverse harassment and although I understand the BS is angry and definitely deflecting that anger onto your wife, she needs to take care of her own business at home.

 

I agree. Call her, tell her to stop it now.

 

As far as you being sort of happy this is happening, I understand it but you need to stop it too. It will eventually wear very thin and will not be good for reconciliation. I will never forget my husband's words "I thought having your name being read before the church would be enough to bring you in line." Although I have moved on from that and he apologized for it and I understand he was angry, I still remember the words ringing in my ears. There are just certain things that do not help in the recovery process.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I would suggest a more formal approach from yourselves as a couple.

 

kinda like:

 

We are requesting that no further contact through any means. If contact continues we will use legal means to have it stopped.

 

 

Do it in writing so there is evidence of having informed.

[drifter777]

She does not.

The last time she did, a few weeks ago, was "this is not you moving on"

In reply to a "nasty-gram" a day after the she said she was seeking counseling and moving on.

Of course the cheater advises "just move on". So typical. Is she saying this to you too? Maybe not in words but in other ways?

[Spark1111]

offer to BOTH meet her and her fWS ONCE if she so chooses, in a public place, like a busy restaurant, and have the last final conversation.

 

Think of it: Four adults meeting like adults. Amazing, no?

 

Set the parameters; My wife and I have recommitted to each other and wish to work on our marriage, so this is it.

 

Plan your questions, ask away, have your WS there and you have about one hour. After that, we NEVER want to hear from you, or him again.

 

Got it?

 

Then do it. Do NOT let him, her or your wife duck this meeting.

 

It happens once; everyone acts like a grown up, all questions are asked and answered truthfully ( ALL 4 people are necessary for this!) and THAT IS IT!

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I would suggest a more formal approach from yourselves as a couple.

 

kinda like:

 

We are requesting that no further contact through any means. If contact continues we will use legal means to have it stopped.

 

 

Do it in writing so there is evidence of having informed.

 

 

 

Because I am sympathetic to the betrayed wife, and because you never flat-out directly asked the betrayed wife to stop contacting you, I think you (the betrayed husband) should give her a phone call and nicely ask her to stop. Tell her you understand her anger, and you are sorry if things are not going well with her husband, but that you would like her to stop sending messages or calling your wife.

 

 

If she doesn't agree, then tell her you will consider legal action if she does it again, and follow it up with the above-mentioned letter.

 

 

I believe a police complaint and a lawsuit become a matter of public record, which could come back to hurt or embarrass your wife and you and maybe even your children, as well as the other man's betrayed wife. Sometimes it is unavoidable, but I think you should try to avoid it if possible.

To the extent you could block her phone number or email or facebook, I think you should.

[Artie Lang]

i say you save all the texts and inform the authorities. this is harassment, for sure.

 

if you've chosen to reconcile with your wife, you might make it clear to the OBS that any further contact will result in appropriate action. this should be done on a united front..... you and your wife- TOGETHER.

[Beezer16]

Of course the cheater advises "just move on". So typical. Is she saying this to you too? Maybe not in words but in other ways?

 

Absolutely not. Just tonight at MC we spoke, had many of my other questions answered, genuinely. Was a GOOD session. Afterwards we went for a bite and our conversation continued, for the good. My WW is completely transparent at this point and will/does talk whenever I need to.

[Beezer16]

i say you save all the texts and inform the authorities. this is harassment, for sure.

 

if you've chosen to reconcile with your wife, you might make it clear to the OBS that any further contact will result in appropriate action. this should be done on a united front..... you and your wife- TOGETHER.

 

Yes, my wife has EVERY text from this woman, since she found out.

I've read every one.