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Ignoring reality....


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It's been just under a couple of weeks since I busted my wife for cheating. Of course, she didn't tell me all the details and tried to lessen the severity of what she had done. I never believed her and through a bit of digging, I found out I was right and pretty much what I expected happened.

 

Anyways, here I am and for the most part I am okay. I am trying to get past this and save the marriage but I am doing it by ignoring reality. If I allow myself to dwell on what she did, I don't think I could do this.

 

Of course she is now on her best behavior, telling me she will do whatever it takes to earn my trust. She tells me how much she loves me and how sorry she is. I just feel like I am lying to myself by ignoring what happened. Even though I know it's the only way I can do this, it still feels like I am almost living a lie.

 

I'm just confused I guess. I'm not forgiving her and I'm not forgetting, I just have to "pretend" that this didn't happen to make it through the day. I guess there is no right way to do this and everyone does it there way....I just sometimes feel I make this to easy on her by being this way.

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It's been just under a couple of weeks since I busted my wife for cheating. ...... I guess there is no right way to do this and everyone does it there way....I just sometimes feel I make this to easy on her by being this way.

 

Then you're doing it the wrong way.

 

There IS right way.

 

You need Counselling, the both of you.

 

She is trying to be accountable.

You're the one keeping it stuck in limbo.... by not forgiving or forgetting.

You're maintaining the pain and keeping the hurt alive, deliberately, as a punishment....

 

but the only one suffering, is you.

get counselling and thrash this out.

 

before you embitter yourself beyond help.

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We are going to counseling next week. I've been broken so many times in my life and I've always put myself back together. I think at this point in my life, my mind learned how to sort of shut down emotional pain. Other than the night I found out, I've never grieved. I never cried, never lost it, never reacted the way I imagined I would.

 

Something doesn't allow what happened to hit me. Except when I sleep and the dreams I have hurt me more than anything that happens when I'm awake.

 

I don't know, maybe my mental walls went up so fast and hard to protect me from the pain. I don't know.

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PTSD.

 

Denial.

self-protection.

 

Not good for you.

 

You need to be true to yourself, and admit the whole scenario. Open up to it.

LET it hurt.

Pain is the body's way of taking the first step towards healing.

If you deny the pain, you deny the heal.

 

You ARE in fact hurting, but your pretence is damaging you.

 

This stone-wall of "Actually, I'm fine" is not your friend.

MC is all well and good, but will you allow yourself to open up, fully?

 

And you do realise, don't you, that Counselling is not designed to keep people together, necessarily.

 

It's a medium for helping you both to communicate properly, safely and with someone present who can steer the discussion and prevent it from becoming an abusive slanging match.

 

It puts you both (to mix metaphors) on a level playing field, viewing the same page.

 

It may be better to strike out on your own, if this is too much to salvage.

 

 

because remember:

"Finding" the problem isn't the hard work.

 

Fixing the problem, once you've found it - is when the hard work begins.

 

And you have to both want to work equally hard.

you have to both want this relationship to succeed the second time around, to the same level.

If you're in it 100% of your 50% - but they’re only in at 60%... you can't make up the 40% shortfall on their half.

That's not co-operation on both your parts - that's desperation on yours alone.

 

You need to do some straight talking and both accept responsibility for the previous failure.

 

You have to establish that you're both 'in it to win it' to the same degree.

because if you're not - then you need to stop. Right here.

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yeah, you are definitely sweeping this under the rug and not facing reality. You are wanting things to be back to where they were when things were good so you are ignoring the current facts and hoping that the dreams of yesteryear will magically reappear.

 

Noone can really blame you for that, it just doesn't work. All it does is drag out the pain and make the whole thing last longer and more miserable for everyone.

 

She intentionally delt a severe and damaging blow to you and the marriage. You have just reason to be livid. You have the right to own your anger, your hurt, your repulsion, your sadness, your discust. You need to be angry with her. You need to be hurt. You need to take definitive action.

 

You need to face up to the reality and take stock in what is really happening in your marriage.

 

You need to do a few general things right off the bat. For starters you need to make an informed decision on whether you really can remain in the marriage or not. You need to find out the whole truth and find out the full extent of the affair.

 

She's simply going to lie about everything and try to cover up as much as she humanly can. You are going to have to go into detective mode to find out as much as you can. Get into her computer and her phone. If she has already deleted stuff or tries to block you from access that tells you all you need to know right there.

 

Interrogate her friends, her coworkers, her OM and his friends and family. Make her take a polygraph (a lot of people get parking lot confessions, before even going into the examiners office)

 

If stories aren't adding up it because she is only trying to tell you the tip of the iceberg.

 

Once you have done your due diligence in finding out the truth, you need to decide if you even can recover and save the marriage or if things are just too far gone and recovery would cost more than what it's worth.

 

It's fair and prudent not to make this decision quickly. It's fair to ask her to leave the home and give you a chance to give this sincere deliberation without her interference. It's fair to ask her not to see the OM while you are separate and it's fair to immediately call it quits if she does use it as an opportunity to tear off another piece.

 

this period of separation does a couple things. One it gives you a chance to let the dust settle and chance to clear your head and really deliberate what your next moves are going to be. It also helps her to clear her head of the affair fog and the hormone rush that she experienced during the affair and gives her a chance to realize what she has done and the damage she has caused and gives her a chance to deliberate what her next moves are going to be.

 

If you decide the damage is too great and that divorce is inevitable, see a lawyer and come up with a divorce plan that is fair and livable for you. Her attorney will do the same. It's ok to enter into counseling to have a counselor help with the separation and divorce process so that the kids and each of you don't experience any more pain and suffering than necessary.

 

If after weighing all the facts you decide you do want to reconcile, then you will need to come up with a plan for what she will need to do to earn back her trust and earn her way back into the marital home.

 

Once you have established those criteria and those boundaries, you will have to monitor and enforce each one like the Gestapo because she will try to work and weasel her way around each and every one of them.

 

In the end it's all going to be about boundaries and what is and what is not acceptable and what you can and can't live with.

 

There are some success stories on these boards and there are lots and lots and lots of failures.

 

The common trend that the success stories have is that the BS drew a thick line in the sand and then enforced the boundaries with the iron hand of discipline and tossed the WS out to the lions for the slightest infraction.

 

The common thread for the failures is the BS continued to let the WS call the shots and only paid lip service to boundaries and conditions for the reconciliation and did not enforce boundaries.

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I do want this to work. I can get over this. I know I am in denial and I have no idea how you're supposed to handle a situation like this.

 

It's funny because right now I am so pissed off and I'm facing reality due to something so minor that has nothing to do with her. It was just some minor thing that is easily fixable but it gave me one of those "can't I just get a break?" moments. I've pretty much been in denial and rug sweeping this entire week, minus one day when I did some detective work and found out what I already knew.

 

I know I need to stop rug sweeping but imagining another man inside her kills me. I just have no idea what I'm doing

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Look, man everyone makes mistakes. The very best of us screw up because that mushy lump of fat in our skull is not a computer and is fallible.

 

You are in the unique position that she actually feels bad. She is ashamed and might actually love you. She is willing to do anything to fix this - perfect.

 

Couples Counseling. It is corny, a pain in the butt, and uncomfortable.. but you do not want this to shape the next 20 years of your marriage.

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I do want this to work. I can get over this. I know I am in denial and I have no idea how you're supposed to handle a situation like this.

 

It's funny because right now I am so pissed off and I'm facing reality due to something so minor that has nothing to do with her. It was just some minor thing that is easily fixable but it gave me one of those "can't I just get a break?" moments. I've pretty much been in denial and rug sweeping this entire week, minus one day when I did some detective work and found out what I already knew.

 

I know I need to stop rug sweeping but imagining another man inside her kills me. I just have no idea what I'm doing

 

You WANT it to work. Maybe it's NOT supposed to.

 

Why did she cheat? Who did she cheat with? How long did she cheat for? Why didn't she didn't come clean? Why did she trickle truth?

 

All these questions and more have to be answered by her honestly and completely if you want it to work.

 

You might want your dented car to look pristine but looking away and ignoring the dents doesn't mean it will look like it used to. You have to do some work on it.

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Of the 5 stages of grief, denial is the first and acceptance is the last. When I was confronted for being "in denial," it was hard to understand. I clearly knew exactly what my wife had done and was facing it. But I've more recently come to a better understanding of that stage. I was in denial of the SIGNIFICANCE of what happened. It turns out that this is NOT one of those shi t sandwiches that you can choke down. It's a whole freakin' buffet and thanks to trickle-truth, the sandwiches keep coming. You cannot do this alone. The hard cold reality is that your marriage may very well end and you may not be able to do anything about it.

 

As for your lack of anger, that is also common. I tried to reconcile, too. My anger didn't come out until I felt safe. Once I realized that she wasn't going anywhere, I was like, "Hey, you know, by the way, I don't much appreciate this. In fact, I'm kinda pissed off about these shi t sandwiches. And you better not complain if I happen to vomit a few of them in your direction." It took me about six months to get there. Many say the second year is harder than the first because the BS finally feels safe and the wayward lets down their guard expecting that you're getting over it.

 

You need to keep reading what it really takes to reconcile and follow those steps. There IS a path. But it is narrow and fraught with landmines on both sides. You have to stay on the path and you have to stay together. Some manage to do it. But it isn't about sweeping it under the rug. If anything, you need to burn the rug together.

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1. Have you and your wife both been tested for STD's?

2. Have you contacted the OM's wife or significant other?

3. How long was her affair and where did she have the affair

4. What reasons did she give for it?

5 What have been the consequences to her actions.

6. Why did she feel that she could have a sexual affair and put your health at risk for STD's and know that you would not divorce her?

7. If the roles were reversed would she be so accepting and forgiving as you and acting like you are?

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

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Get her to write a timeline of the events so no new trickle truth will ever hurt you again. The shame of her writing it out for you will help deter a future event. DO NOT BURY YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND, deal with it head on. She needs independent counseling so she can discover why she did this to you and your marriage. You can't fix it if you don't know the cause. Your marriage was already lost when she chose to have an affair, the decision is now do you choose to stay and build a new one? Do not make decisions based on fear of loosing your wife or your marriage, you already lost them, she now wants back in. It is not her decision if your marriage survives because it didn't, what ever you now have is new, that should be your starting point.

 

How long was her affair, was it with someone you know, was it with more than one man, who ended it, is he married? If the O/M(other man) is married or in a relationship, expose him, his spouse needs to know the truth, it's the right thing to do. Get tested, they always lie about using protection, do you need proof that she is not pregnant? Will paternity be an issue?

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Mickey_Fitzpatrick
It's been just under a couple of weeks since I busted my wife for cheating. Of course, she didn't tell me all the details and tried to lessen the severity of what she had done. I never believed her and through a bit of digging, I found out I was right and pretty much what I expected happened.

 

Anyways, here I am and for the most part I am okay. I am trying to get past this and save the marriage but I am doing it by ignoring reality. If I allow myself to dwell on what she did, I don't think I could do this.

 

Of course she is now on her best behavior, telling me she will do whatever it takes to earn my trust. She tells me how much she loves me and how sorry she is. I just feel like I am lying to myself by ignoring what happened. Even though I know it's the only way I can do this, it still feels like I am almost living a lie.

 

I'm just confused I guess. I'm not forgiving her and I'm not forgetting, I just have to "pretend" that this didn't happen to make it through the day. I guess there is no right way to do this and everyone does it there way....I just sometimes feel I make this to easy on her by being this way.

 

 

 

You will never forget completely, but if all goes well, maybe you will not think of it so much. It's probably too soon to forgive. You have to know what she did, and why she did it, you have to understand it, in order to forgive it. Do you understand it?

 

 

Why did she have an affair? What reason did she give you? Did she say it was because of something you did or didn't do? The affair involved sex. Did it also involve her telling other man she loved him?

 

 

I can't tell if you believe your wife is really sorry now or if you think she is just putting on an act. Do you believe her when she says she's sorry? Do you believe she is on her best behavior because she loves you?

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She did so much for her AP. What has she done for you?

 

Has she written the timeline mentioned earlier? Has she given you all her passwords?

 

Has she scheduled IC and MC, not you, but she scheduled the sessions?

 

What has she read to help you heal? Has she read not just friends? What have you read to help yourself?

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You need to be honest very honest with yourself if you want to stay in the marriage, why, what for - and what you need from your wife to do it.

 

Time to get very selfish.

 

Lots of good advice from the others.

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I do want this to work. I can get over this. I know I am in denial and I have no idea how you're supposed to handle a situation like this.

 

It's funny because right now I am so pissed off and I'm facing reality due to something so minor that has nothing to do with her. It was just some minor thing that is easily fixable but it gave me one of those "can't I just get a break?" moments. I've pretty much been in denial and rug sweeping this entire week, minus one day when I did some detective work and found out what I already knew.

 

I know I need to stop rug sweeping but imagining another man inside her kills me. I just have no idea what I'm doing

 

 

It's a normal reaction to offer cheap forgiveness as this is a form of denial.

 

The the thing is your gut is screaming at you and you know deep down inside that denial and a quick fix is counter productive.

 

This is huge and life altering discovery. Sadly, at your most vulnerable and painful moments you can make decisions or act out in ways that are not in your best interest.

 

You don't have to decide anything right now. You need time and you need to first and foremost make yourself a priority and not the marriage. Seek individual counselling and not marriage counselling at this point.

 

Marriage counselling is not productive unless you first deal with your emotions and are sure you still want to work on your marriage.

 

Cheating is a betrayal of your trust and that is not something that can be fixed overnight. Cheating is a covert act of manipulation. In order for someone to cheat they are usually very good at lying, deceit and denial which can manifest itself with trickle truth and gas lighting.

 

There's a book I highly recommend by Dr. George K Simon called "in Sheep's clothing: understanding manipulative people

 

Try to eat and keep hydrated, get help, don't rush yourself into any decisions until you feel stronger and can think and act more clearly.

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