Bi-Curiousity Led Newlywed Husband to EA

[DancingWithFlames]

Hi,

 

I'm new to these forums, and unfortunately wish that this didn't have to happen during the holidays.

 

Background: My husband and I have been close friends for 11 years. We dated for 6 years, some of that time in an LDR, before getting married in May. While there were a few small adjustments to living together for the first time, I have otherwise been pretty blissfully married - or so I thought....

 

This past Monday, I discovered evidence my husband of 6 months was having an emotional affair on me - possibly physical.

 

It started when I saw him send a racy message across Facebok via messenger. It discussed oral sex, and I thought it was out of place. On Monday, when he went to head out to work - he left his computer monitor on and Facebook logged in. It made me feel sick, but I went onto his computer to look at the Facebook messages to one mutual female friend others suggested he was "too close" too.

 

 

The two had multiple conversations talking about the sex they wanted to have together, the kissing and making out they've done behind my back and what they were hoping to do in the future. He had met her at a social get together we attend together as husband and wife once a month. While I'm there, it's a rather large group and I trusted him to circulate and socialize on their own. Apparently, he was sneaking around, planting kissing and making out with her instead.

 

When confronted, my husband admitted it started out as a friendship with friendly flirtation (he's a natural flirt, true, I knew this marrying him) that went way too far. He meant to cut it off, but didn't - and said he was falsely leading her on into thinking he would have sex with her to see if it gave him a rise.

 

Apparently, my husband is claiming sexual issues. He started crying on the spot saying he hasn't been able to have sex when he wants to all the time, despite finding me attractive, and doesn't know why. He feels awkward to admit his "(blank) isn't working" at a young age (under 35) and hence was trying sexting with her - feeding her false promises for juicy illicit conversation from her - to see if it turned him on.

 

The Cheating husband said it didn't - I'm not sure I believe that.

 

So, after discovering his Facebook messaging I demanded full access to his computer - all social media sites, his three email adddresses, his browser history, his FL site and more on the spot. No time for him to jump back on and delete things.

 

I'm almost feeling sick that i did. I found a hidden folder on his email box -- my husband has been regularly posting Craigslist ads for M4M sex. He's been soliciting sexual strangers for sex - while telling me he's straight since 2006.

 

When confronting him with these emails from Craiglist, copies of his own ads and a file of pornographic photos - He broke down.

 

The husband admits he's been bi-curious since he was 15. His immediate family wouldn't be accepting and as an older teen gained a reputation as a "Ladies man" so, he never said or did anything to contradict it. My husband states that he's extremely interested in what it would be like to have sex with a man, then states he has no desire to form a long-term relationship with one. Hence, he solicited on Craiglist -- but alleges he never met up with any of these men. He was too scared (supposed).

 

He would simply post an ad that he knew would get the most photos. Reading through copies of the ads he posted, they are not truthful about his own physical description and it is true - a larger number of them (90 percent) he never responded to.

 

So, he basically kept the responses with photos as his own men-on-men porn file he claims.

 

I am feeling absolutely devastated. We have only been married 6 months- but dating 6 years and very good friends/best friends for 10 years. We both have gay, lesbian, bi and transgender friends. We lead a fairly liberal life and him being bi-curious or Bisexual, is not at all a make-or-break for me.

 

I can't believe I was lied to - which he solicited gay sex via Craigslist ads.

 

Where do I even start picking up the pieces? I feel like my husband is mentally sick, having a possible sexual identity that he cannot accept. Is he truly bisexual? Possibly even gay?

 

For the last 4 days, he's spilled a lot of information and shown me other porn files of men-on-men without me discovering them. He's come clean to his parents about what has us fighting - including his questionable sexuality. He is begging me for a chance to go to therapy and work this out, but if he's not attracted to me - how is that possible?

 

He swears he knows he's attracted to women, but when one lies so deeply, how do I trust anything he says?

[crederer]

Well, him possibly being bi sexual isn't really an issue.

 

The issue is that he tried cheating on you and got married to you without letting you know of his bi sexual tendencies. Both of those things are pretty whacked and completely selfish of him to do. If he was going to engage in this behaviour, he should have nutted up and told you about it before marriage. He's a coward.

 

I can see how this would mess with your head. It's always difficult to trust anything a known liar tells you.

 

I'd suggest handling this the same way you would as if he was behaving the same towards other women.

[BetrayedH]

Trust is rebuilt by consistent actions over time (conventional wisdom cites 2-5 years). It's up to you if he deserves a shot (and whether you have that much patience/forgiveness in you). True remorse on his part is a pre-requisite.

 

You should keep in mind that cowardice is a consistent trait amongst cheaters. That isn't often solved just because of your discovery. My point is that there are almost always more lies to discover. The truth comes out in a trickle. They tell you only what you already know (and maybe one more tidbit to make you think you know it all). My point is, be prepared to find out that he may have had numerous phyiscal encounters. The best bet is to "trust but verify" for the foreseeable future.

 

I'll defer from commenting on the bi-sexual piece as you know your limits (you seem pretty liberal in this regard) better than anyone here.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Never heard of a GUY who was "bi-curious." Have heard of guys who were "in denial" about it. I think he's gay. His thing doesn't work with you.

 

 

I do know guys who were married 30 years and finally left their wives after the kids were grown. They were gay. At the time they got married, they were trying to pretend, hope they could be happy with a woman and family, all the while they were hooking up with other guys from time to time throughout their marriage just for sex. Reason they got married was not wanting to deal with society's judgment or their family's judgment and being labeled and treated differently (i.e., being treated badly and discriminated against - it was a less accepting era.)

[BetrayedH]

Without trying to turn this into a sex thread, porn and masturbation can also cause ED and delayed ejaculation (a good term to google). Porn raises the threshold of what is exciting and nothing can read his mind as well as his own hand. The combination can make it impossible for a spoise to compete. Sorry to be a bit graphic.

 

My point is that 2+ weeks of abstinence from porn and masturbation is typically required to return to "normal." This might be worth discussing to return things in your bedroom to "normal" as well.

 

Or he could be gay. This might be one way to investigate. If his arousal returns to normal, perhaps it wasn't that he's "not into you."

[DancingWithFlames]

Thanks Crederer, as more time passes - that's more and more how I am feeling.

 

We have many friends who are male and bi, gay, gender queer, crossdresses and transgender. Honestly, to be the straight person in a room at our hangouts is the odd person out.

 

BetrayedH - - I never thought of that. It was never an issue, as a married couple - for the last 6 months, we were having 'personal time" that involved sexual interactions of one type or another 2 to 4 times a week while working opposite schedules.

 

I didn't think that was bad given one of us works 12-14 hours a day on average (me) and he works night shift.

[painfullyobvious]

I do not want to be a jerk here and usually am not one to say leave now. I know you have been together for a while but that fact this this comes up after being married for six-months is very concerning. The issues of ED, bi-curiosity, etc. make little difference to me if I were in your situation. If he has issues again does he have permission to carry on EA again to alleviate issues. If these issues are real issues they should be communicated to you, a counselor or doctor; not someone else outside of your relationship.

[compulsivedancer]

I think crederer is right on. Treat it the same way as if he was doing this looking for women. (For example, what if he put up a dating profile looking for women, only responded to 10 of the replies, and used the pictures the women sent as a personal porn file? Then what?)

 

If he was curious, he should've either explored that BEFORE he was in a long-term relationship with you, or he should've told you and you could decide together if you want to do any outside relationship exploration. I think it would be different if he realized recently that he was gay (it still wouldn't give him the right to cheat!), but it sounds like he's known he's bi/curious the whole time, so he should've addressed it appropriately before getting married, not 6 months after the wedding.

 

Whether he had sex with anyone or not, putting up a dating/sex profile when you're married or in a relationship is not acceptable.

[Mr. Lucky]

Apparently, my husband is claiming sexual issues. He started crying on the spot saying he hasn't been able to have sex when he wants to all the time, despite finding me attractive, and doesn't know why.

The husband admits he's been bi-curious since he was 15. His immediate family wouldn't be accepting and as an older teen gained a reputation as a "Ladies man" so, he never said or did anything to contradict it. My husband states that he's extremely interested in what it would be like to have sex with a man, then states he has no desire to form a long-term relationship with one. Hence, he solicited on Craiglist -- but alleges he never met up with any of these men. He was too scared (supposed).

 

He would simply post an ad that he knew would get the most photos. Reading through copies of the ads he posted, they are not truthful about his own physical description and it is true - a larger number of them (90 percent) he never responded to.

 

So, he basically kept the responses with photos as his own men-on-men porn file he claims.

Having worked in the restaurant business for decades, I also have a number of LBGT friends of both sexes. But for obvious reasons, I wouldn't want to be married to someone whose sexual compass pointed in any direction but me.

 

Your H is gay. I'd guess he's lying about not hooking up with the CL respondents. Unless you want an open marriage in the broadest sense of the word, I'd be thinking annulment. This isn't what you signed up for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

Just a variety of different thoughts here, no actual organized gameplan. more questions for you than any kind of real answers.

 

- whether gay, straight or bi, there's been a lot of hiding and lying and deception and going outside the marriage here. Are you even willing to work on this and try to move forward or is this all a deal breaker and you are better of cutting your losses, throwing in the towel and moving on without him?

 

- I strongly encourage some serious detective work to determine how much physical cheating has actually taken place. Is this just a porn issue and issue with boundaries or has he been toe-tapping in the mens room down at the park? Has he and this OW been slipping into the broom closet at these parties and banging one out?

 

- Male bisexuality is real. some gay porn and some curiosities does not a homosexual make.

 

- Porn may be playing a bigger role and be a bigger issue here than flirting with some chick and have some curiosity about touching some other dude's stiffy. Porn can very likely be behind some of the performance issues, trouble with boundaries and even the curiosity of men. This may be more of a porn issue than an actual infidelity issue.

 

- So here's a big question for you. you mention having very liberal attitudes, acceptance of other orientations and practices etc etc. If he had been honest with about his curiosities with men and his open attitudes towards flirtation etc with other women, would have been OK with that?

 

In other words would have considered some form of open marriage where he (and you) could have had a little leeway to explore some sexual exploration and adventures within certain defined parameters of your marriage?

 

Are you more upset that he flirted with and may have smooched another girl or are you upset that he was sneaking around and carrying on this little ass-grabbing episode behind your back? Are you upset that he may have some bisexual tendencies or are you upset that he was living a double life that he was keeping hidden from you and treating it as source of shame and discust within himself???

 

As I said, I don't have any answers but I do think these are some questions for you to explore and discuss.

[oldshirt]

As I said, I don't have any answers but I do think these are some questions for you to explore and discuss.

 

 

And when I say that, I mean discuss with a competent therapist. Preferably one who specializes in marital boundaries/infidelity and perhaps even one that specializes in sexual orientation/gender identity as well.

[DancingWithFlames]

I really appreciate your thought-out questions more than answers, and hence... I'm sorta answering here... maybe looking for discussion from others. I'm so lost.

 

- So here's a big question for you. you mention having very liberal attitudes, acceptance of other orientations and practices etc etc. If he had been honest with about his curiosities with men and his open attitudes towards flirtation etc with other women, would have been OK with that?

 

In other words would have considered some form of open marriage where he (and you) could have had a little leeway to explore some sexual exploration and adventures within certain defined parameters of your marriage?

 

 

If he had been open about his curiousity towards other men - which right now he is saying he's curious what "male sex' feels like. He has previously shown some enjoyment in anal play - so I could see it being truthful. However, he denies any desire for a romantic relationship with a guy.

 

Yes, I'm perfectly fine with that. When crying hysterically telling a girlfriend of mine about all these discoveries- because she's the least judgmental person I know like na "older sis" to me - she said "Had he come to you and been forthcoming, none of this would be an issue right now."

 

She's 100 percent correct. I wouldn't care. Hell, there's sex toys that can stimulate it as a starting point.

 

(I said I was liberal, right?)

 

Right before I made the discovery of his sexting by sneaking on his computer, then all his saved Craiglist photos/emails in an email folder...

 

We had started discussing opening up our relationship.

 

Some background, we were in a polyamorous relationship when we started dating. I was seeing 3 other men in regular, established polyamorous relationship - I asked each of them if they were okay with me seeing him, they agreed, and my current Husband and I started seeing each other.

 

Over time, things became serious between us -more so than between myself and the other men - and I agreed to close things off with them to see where our relationship could lead.

 

Yet, when we suddenly became a LDR for two and a half years (NY to FL), we both continued to regularly go out to adult clubs and sexually interact with other people. We would tell each other in full the stories, these people's names, etc.

 

Then, we got into a heated situation where someone I had met had legal issues that could potentially entangle me- and we both agreed to stop, seeing the horrible legal ramifications those kinds of actions could have.

 

As of lately, the past few weeks- before I discovered his sexting and personal ad email responses - my husband and I had been talking about getting dressed up one night, and heading out to one of the adult clubs/parties as a couple. We were both excited - a couple friend of ours also into the scene wanted to go in with us and make a night of it. We were startign to talk about how we wanted to do it - and what those established boundaries would be.

 

We BOTH enjoy a bit more and some leeway that might appear outside the parameters of most marriages. We have in the past. It requires a lot of talking and trust.

 

That's obviously not even being considered now - given the lack of trust.

 

What upsets me more than anything is that he was lying to me about sexting the girl, possibly grabbing her ass, and that it almost seems like he was trying to lead a double life and keep it hidden from me.

 

It's the lying and sneaking that makes my skin crawl and me angry/hurt.

[BetrayedH]

I think that in order to make a marriage work under these kinds of conditions, you have to be both remarkably trustworthy and remarkably trusting. To marry someone that is equally trusting and trustworthy is a very tall order. Your habits push boundaries on purpose.

 

Unfortunately, we have a tendency to project our belief systems onto those that we love. I suppose it's natural to assume that someone would think and behave like we would. Some people help us along with that by lying. I was wrong about my wife and it appears you were wrong about your husband. And in both cases, it's the long-standing LIES that are the most damaging.