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Holidays and affairs


compulsivedancer

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compulsivedancer

One thing H worried about early on was that the holidays would be really rough, since I was sleeping with OM from Nov through Jan of last year. So far he doesn't seem to be triggering from this.

 

How do the holidays affect your relationships after DDay?

 

Btw, Happy Thanksgiving to all those people out there celebrating it this afternoon. On second thought, ignore this post, fill your bellies and answer tomorrow!

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whatatangledweb

Happy Thanksgiving :)

 

The holidays were hard at moments since his affair went on during that time. I would trigger off and on. It was much easier the second year year for me.

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yellowmaverick

The holidays are a little sad for me because it was always such a great time with my family. I have a tough time getting excited about anything these days....just feeling detached. I am trying to find my way back because my children miss the old me.

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lilmisscantbewrong

For me the same CD - tough time of year. My dday was 5 days after thanksgiving and 3 before my birthday so it is a very hard time. It does get easier as the years go by - the first was the absolute worse. However, we try to fill the time with family and friends and that does help a great deal. Keep busy, do things for others, make a new holiday dish, Idk - enjoy your kids.

 

The other thing you have to remember is that many people have a hard time with the holidays for a variety of reasons. So you are not alone. I suggest you just move through it without much expectation and don't be too hard on yourself if things aren't the best this year. Take your cue from your husband. He might very well be your gauge as to how things are moving along.

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One thing H worried about early on was that the holidays would be really rough, since I was sleeping with OM from Nov through Jan of last year. So far he doesn't seem to be triggering from this.

How do the holidays affect your relationships after DDay?

 

Btw, Happy Thanksgiving to all those people out there celebrating it this afternoon. On second thought, ignore this post, fill your bellies and answer tomorrow!

 

Could this be the reason he has become angry recently? Most Betrayed Spouse's I know usually start to get weird before their "Antiversary." Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends. I am watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade as I write this.

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painfullyobvious

What was hard for me when I was reconciling during the holidays was that we were with family during that time as most are during the holidays. My family really never forgave her for the infidelity and tolerated her more than they interacted with her during the holidays. When we were at her families I looked around the table at Thanksgiving and Christmas and remember thinking how many knew she was cheating before I found out and said nothing? I felt betrayed by them as well. Is she still cheating (she was) and everyone knows my relationship is fake in their eyes. Shortly after New Years I had another D-day. I wasn't so much triggered during the holidays as stressed about friends and family who were not happy with her being with me.

 

We sometimes forget that even if we reconcile and forgive our cheaters, friends and family who were there for us in the aftermath are not always so generous with their feelings about those that have hurt us.

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compulsivedancer
Could this be the reason he has become angry recently? Most Betrayed Spouse's I know usually start to get weird before their "Antiversary." Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends. I am watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade as I write this.

 

Very likely. It's funny; I posted this before I went to bed before Thanksgiving Day. Thanksgiving morning, everything was fine, and then suddenly it wasn't. H wanted to be at his parents' by 10, and I wasn't moving fast enough, and he was a lot more irritated than that called for.

 

When we got to the house, he told me that he was trying not to be so frustrated with me over little things. That before, things were ambiguous as far as dates, but now he knows whenever he thinks back that last year I was sleeping with OM.

 

Shortly after DDay, one of the hardest things for him to process was that this was all happening over the holidays last year. He said that this year the holidays were going to suck. I guess that since we passed through our first big series of dates relatively well, I thought maybe the would be okay, but it looks like it could be rough.

 

During the affair, the holidays were actually a break from the affair, for me. OM had been overly consuming my thinking for many months and I remember at Thanksgiving being surprised that I didn't think about him at all. It was a piece of normalcy that reminded me what my life was like pre-affair.

 

Is there any way to ease the holiday anxiety and upset that's sure to happen, or do I just need to grit my teeth and get through it?

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There's probably not much you can do other than be understanding and supportive the best you can when he gets upset or shows some sort of negative emotion.

 

Even if he doesn't show it, he'll be grateful for that rather than you getting upset and rolling your eyes or getting gritty with him. This will probably be easier said than done.

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lilmisscantbewrong

CD I promise you that this years holidays will be the worst - the anniversary dates the first year are very hard - for both BS and you - the mind movies about what was going on during that time and knowing full well what was happening - the double life. You will get through it - be patient with him and there is going to be a certain amount of just "taking it" you are going to have to do. I did a lot of just staying silent.

 

As you get through it this year and move past January, you will breathe a little easier and relax, but the work won't be over - in fact it might get a little more difficult in the second year. Only you know what you can handle and he knows what he can handle. If it's worth salvaging, then keep pushing forward. Two steps forward - one back - it's slow going.

 

Listen - even four years out - we still have our moments but it's better. More good than bad.

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Very likely. It's funny; I posted this before I went to bed before Thanksgiving Day. Thanksgiving morning, everything was fine, and then suddenly it wasn't. H wanted to be at his parents' by 10, and I wasn't moving fast enough, and he was a lot more irritated than that called for.

 

When we got to the house, he told me that he was trying not to be so frustrated with me over little things. That before, things were ambiguous as far as dates, but now he knows whenever he thinks back that last year I was sleeping with OM.

 

Shortly after DDay, one of the hardest things for him to process was that this was all happening over the holidays last year. He said that this year the holidays were going to suck. I guess that since we passed through our first big series of dates relatively well, I thought maybe the would be okay, but it looks like it could be rough.

 

During the affair, the holidays were actually a break from the affair, for me. OM had been overly consuming my thinking for many months and I remember at Thanksgiving being surprised that I didn't think about him at all. It was a piece of normalcy that reminded me what my life was like pre-affair.

 

Is there any way to ease the holiday anxiety and upset that's sure to happen, or do I just need to grit my teeth and get through it?

 

Get him some Xanax.

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Betrayed&Stayed
One thing H worried about early on was that the holidays would be really rough, since I was sleeping with OM from Nov through Jan of last year. So far he doesn't seem to be triggering from this.

 

How do the holidays affect your relationships after DDay?

 

Btw, Happy Thanksgiving to all those people out there celebrating it this afternoon. On second thought, ignore this post, fill your bellies and answer tomorrow!

 

My wife's affair occurred during the Holidays (Thanksgiving through New Year's). The first few holiday seasons after D-day were tough. They would bring on depression. The first one was the toughest of course. For the second Holiday season I went on Zoloft, and stayed on it for awhile.

 

For me, the Holiday's weren't such a downer after 3 years. This year it has little or no ill affects on my mood.

 

I'm sure your husband is thinking about it. If he gets irritable, then it could be depression.

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Very likely. It's funny; I posted this before I went to bed before Thanksgiving Day. Thanksgiving morning, everything was fine, and then suddenly it wasn't. H wanted to be at his parents' by 10, and I wasn't moving fast enough, and he was a lot more irritated than that called for.

 

When we got to the house, he told me that he was trying not to be so frustrated with me over little things. That before, things were ambiguous as far as dates, but now he knows whenever he thinks back that last year I was sleeping with OM.

 

Shortly after DDay, one of the hardest things for him to process was that this was all happening over the holidays last year. He said that this year the holidays were going to suck. I guess that since we passed through our first big series of dates relatively well, I thought maybe the would be okay, but it looks like it could be rough.

 

During the affair, the holidays were actually a break from the affair, for me. OM had been overly consuming my thinking for many months and I remember at Thanksgiving being surprised that I didn't think about him at all. It was a piece of normalcy that reminded me what my life was like pre-affair.

 

Is there any way to ease the holiday anxiety and upset that's sure to happen, or do I just need to grit my teeth and get through it?

 

Holiday time to me has always been about family and good memories, memories that have been with me since early childhood. What your husband is experiencing is the conflict between old happy memories being replaced with unhappy ones. Losing a parent on a holiday has a similar effect but not the same, one is a natural event the other is an intentional event. You still have your childhood happy feelings that you associate with the holiday but the death of a parent adds a feeling of loss, your husband will be reminded of his loss, the loss of the marriage you had. There is only one way to get through it and that is to get through it. Time and your behavior will make each year more bearable for him until happiness takes over again( he will never forget but in time will forgive).

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Someone mentioned "keep silent" - that's what my wife does. She pretends nothing ever happened. And I know how much that irritates me, I don't need anti-depressives - I need her to acknowledge that it happened, and if she's not sorry about it, then at least pretend to be.

 

I would just ask him what's on his mind, and if there's anything you can do to help. That would definitely work with me.

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lilmisscantbewrong

And it's true that antidepressants can help. I know my husband was on some Xanax for awhile and that helped with the anxiety he was feeling. I have been too off and on them. It is not a sign of weakness to require the help of these drugs.

 

Although for me there came a time when I had to stop taking them and here is the reason why. The antidepressants for me caused me to feel nothing - I mean nothing. Even the saddest of events I couldn't cry over and that began to concern me. So when I decided I need to be rid of the medication I had to determine I needed to walk through the sea of emotions and accept them for what they were.

 

But I am a big proponent of medication during these times - it can help even out the waves of emotions and you can deal with them in a more healthy manner - especially during the first year.

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lilmisscantbewrong
Someone mentioned "keep silent" - that's what my wife does. She pretends nothing ever happened. And I know how much that irritates me, I don't need anti-depressives - I need her to acknowledge that it happened, and if she's not sorry about it, then at least pretend to be.

 

I would just ask him what's on his mind, and if there's anything you can do to help. That would definitely work with me.

 

Zen that was me - it was the only way I could really listen to what he was saying and ride the waves if his anger. I guess what I meant more was not lashing back in anger - to sit quietly and let it pass.

 

But part of the reason that I got into this mess is that I was a conflict avoider - I learned this from my parents - I never learned how to argue effectively - I still don't do it well - my whole being wants to just run.

 

What you say is correct. I guess I wasn't explaining myself very well.

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Untouchable_Fire

Is there any way to ease the holiday anxiety and upset that's sure to happen, or do I just need to grit my teeth and get through it?

 

Yes, but it would require that you either know your husband really well or know how to ask the right questions. Essentially you need to get a handle on what is making him anxious and help alleviate that feeling.

 

It's going to be much deeper than just you were conducting an affair over the holidays. It would require understanding what the holiday season means to him and why this exacerbates his pain.

 

I think this approach may take too much work. Outsource it to a therapist or just grin and bear it. My 2 cents.

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whiterabbit46

Sorry, but after reading your information in these threads, I can't for the life of me understand why he's still trying to R. Obviously, your betrayal has shaken him to his core. Don't mean to be too downbeat, but I don't think he's ever going to recover. Sorry.

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Yes, but it would require that you either know your husband really well or know how to ask the right questions. Essentially you need to get a handle on what is making him anxious and help alleviate that feeling.

 

It's going to be much deeper than just you were conducting an affair over the holidays. It would require understanding what the holiday season means to him and why this exacerbates his pain.

 

I think this approach may take too much work. Outsource it to a therapist or just grin and bear it. My 2 cents.

 

Some great insight here (and a neat twist of an ending).

 

I think proactively anticipating and somehow preempting what triggers you can and then doing your best to compensate for the ones you can't is really a huge part of it. Make sure he knows that triggers are a team effort. Emphathize with him in that no one wants to avoid them more than he does. Rebuilding is a lot about demonstrating consistent actions over time. He wants to know that you're in it with him for the long haul. Remember that he doesn't actually hate you; he loves you and that's why he's there enduring these thoughts.

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compulsivedancer

Welcome back, Betrayed! I hope the short break from LS was helpful, and I hope your holiday is going well.

 

After the bad start, yesterday and today were both great.

 

There was one odd thing. I told H that I was thankful to be here with him this year, since it could've worked out so differently, and I was thankful that he'd chosen to R. Instead of being happy, he looked crestfallen. I guess I chose the wrong time to bring it up? Maybe he wasn't thinking about the A and was enjoying the holiday and I called it to his mind?

 

:p I try to be proactive, but I always worry that I'm just reminding him of bad things. But if I wait to talk about things until I know he's thinking about the A, they don't always get talked about. Happy medium?

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Holidays are the worst time of year for emotions for so many of us. Memories that burn along with a present that isn't how we pictured it when we were younger. The only thing we can hope for is that we are with the ones we love.

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Yeah, ouch, I feel for him and completely understand how he's feeling. My wife's affair was from August 2011 through January 2012, and not only the holidays, but our kids birthday, her birthday and our anniversary are in this time frame as well. This is my second year and it still hits me hard, I believe that I've shown this on here with a few extreme downer posts, and I am trying to control that, *sigh*. I refused to celebrate our anniversary this year, and told her that day will no longer work, so that's two years of a missed anniversary since we were separated last year.

 

All I can say is for him to try to make new and better memories on these days, and to try not to let his mind bring him to dark places, I get that it feels like an impossible task, it has been for me anyways.

 

And you need to support him, don't just ignore the issue, talk to him, make him feel that he is the number 1 thought in your mind.

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Welcome back, Betrayed! I hope the short break from LS was helpful, and I hope your holiday is going well.

 

After the bad start, yesterday and today were both great.

 

There was one odd thing. I told H that I was thankful to be here with him this year, since it could've worked out so differently, and I was thankful that he'd chosen to R. Instead of being happy, he looked crestfallen. I guess I chose the wrong time to bring it up? Maybe he wasn't thinking about the A and was enjoying the holiday and I called it to his mind?

 

:p I try to be proactive, but I always worry that I'm just reminding him of bad things. But if I wait to talk about things until I know he's thinking about the A, they don't always get talked about. Happy medium?

 

Sometimes there are things better off left unsaid.

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compulsivedancer
Sometimes there are things better off left unsaid.

 

Sometimes there are, but I don't think this is one of those. I just needed to find a better time to bring it up.

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Welcome back, Betrayed! I hope the short break from LS was helpful, and I hope your holiday is going well.

 

After the bad start, yesterday and today were both great.

 

There was one odd thing. I told H that I was thankful to be here with him this year, since it could've worked out so differently, and I was thankful that he'd chosen to R. Instead of being happy, he looked crestfallen. I guess I chose the wrong time to bring it up? Maybe he wasn't thinking about the A and was enjoying the holiday and I called it to his mind?

 

:p I try to be proactive, but I always worry that I'm just reminding him of bad things. But if I wait to talk about things until I know he's thinking about the A, they don't always get talked about. Happy medium?

 

Just my two cents, but I would let him bring up the subject in the future. I would be crestfallen too. "Hey, honey, I was just thinking about last year, ya know when I was donking that other guy? Well, I am so tickled you decided to stay with me."

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