What words ed you trust again?

[Stillscared]

I have chosen to stay with my husband who cheated for 10 months, and find that I am angered by his response when he says he'll never do it again.

 

What did your WS do or say they convinced you once and for all that he/she was sincere?

 

Mine says he never imagined how much I would be hurt and never wants to see me in this much pain again. (All I hear is that next time he'll do a better job not to get caught).

 

How did you two get through this?

[painfullyobvious]

Its not so much of what they say as to how they behave. Words mean nothing for about a year. Watch for the behaviors and hopefully their behaviors point and lead towards a person you can begin to trust again.

 

"Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see"

-Benjamin Franklin

[AlwaysGrowing]

I too would be leery of someone who claims that the BS pain is the reason why they wouldn't cheat again.

 

There has to have been a cost to the WS for true change to happen. Then there is a shift in their mindset. A WS who views it as something that they did to themselves first and everyone else was collateral damage. A remorseful person would view it as a personal failing. A self betrayal. Those failures hurt, they hurt because they came at ones own hands..no one else to look at, no fingers to point. What is good about that, is that once a WS realizes that, they also realize that they have the power to change that inside themselves. Very powerful. You can hear the difference between the various WS. There is a strength, a knowing, searching for answers...then comes the fortitude inside them. They can smell bulls**t a mile away. Eyes wide open. Its inspiring actually.

[drifter777]

I have chosen to stay with my husband who cheated for 10 months, and find that I am angered by his response when he says he'll never do it again.

 

What did your WS do or say they convinced you once and for all that he/she was sincere?

 

Mine says he never imagined how much I would be hurt and never wants to see me in this much pain again. (All I hear is that next time he'll do a better job not to get caught).

 

How did you two get through this?

I heard this crap for years. What I heard when she said this was "it was a great experience for me and I'm not sorry I did it - just sorry it hurt you". It took me a long time to finally bust her on this and make sure she understood that if this was sincerely the way she felt then we were through. So now she never says this and claims to understand that what she did was selfish, hurtful, and just plain wrong. Because of the circumstances, I don't think I'll ever truly believe her.

[Fluttershy]

As was said, actions no words are important. Transparency, patience, making an effort to show love and a searching for a better understanding of ones self. Personal growth.

I disagree with the above posters to a point though. I think seeing first hand the devastation the wayward caused can often be enough for some people.

Have you made it very clear that if he even smells of cheating you are done? Obviously, he could choose to be more careful next time and betray you again. The trust does need to be earned back but, and a huge BUT, I think most people cheated on often have a trouble with trust no matter if they divorce or not. After all they never thought it would happen to them in the first place how can you know the next person won't cheat on you as well?

Focus on yourself and making you a strong person. Someone who can stand alone. Then, if reconciliation fails because he does not truly seek change or you cannot forgive him, you will have the tools to say "enough" and bid your spouse good-bye. And if you succeed in rebuilding your marriage it will be stronger because you are stronger.

[compulsivedancer]

What made the biggest dent in the affair fog was truly seeing how hurt H was. His anger barely fazed me; in fact, I felt defensive. But his hurt...

 

You see, I wasn't thinking about him at all during the A. I was thinking about ME. I never really considered how he would feel. I was angry that he said no to the open marriage idea, and I felt entitled.

 

When I saw HIS pain, it helped to break through that selfishness. It made my empathy response kick in. Seeing him hurt, hurt me. I never wanted to cheat again, because I never wanted to take the chance that I'd see him hurt like this again.

 

Some of the other realizations came later, but this was a Day 1 realization. Before I was even truly sorry that I cheated, I was sorry that I hurt him.

[tiredofitall2]

I too would be leery of someone who claims that the BS pain is the reason why they wouldn't cheat again.

.

 

Don't really agree. It is very common that the first thing that wakes up a WWS from the fog is seeing how much pain they cause their BS.

 

Later they start feeling remorse for their actions, but they might be a little numb from the experience at first.

[Sooby]

The thing that scares me the most is never being ably to trust him or any partner again. I think this loss of blind faith is the biggest hurt I have suffered at the hands of my WS and I hate him for it. I am hoping that our counsellor can help me with this and that I am not wasting my time in trying to reconcile our relationship.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Don't really agree. It is very common that the first thing that wakes up a WWS from the fog is seeing how much pain they cause their BS.

 

Later they start feeling remorse for their actions, but they might be a little numb from the experience at first.

 

 

What don't you agree with..the word leery? Or a WS saying the only reason they won't cheat is because of the pain they caused the BS?

 

Lets, be honest here. The WS always knew it would be hurtful, hence the secrecy. Didn't stop the WS from doing it...did it.

 

Even if one is to believe....what the BS doesn't know won't hurt them. That thinking still very much acknowledges..that it is hurtful. Hurtful to the BS, not to the WS. Until a WS is in a place where they feel that what they did was hurtful to themselves, a BS is investing in a long shot. That is why I say, to be leery, I will even go as far as saying...do not invest anything. Until you can see a real mindset shift happening.

 

Its about what a BS can do to protect THEMSELVES..not the WS...not the marriage....THEMSELVES.

[Spark1111]

I HATED when he said he never stopped loving me during the affair.

 

I told him he had to STOP saying that because I found it SOOOO self-serving, and anyone WHO TRULY loved me would NEVER have hurt me so deeply.

 

I also told him to imagine every lie, sneak, sext, hook up....being done by ME to him....How would HE feel? What would it take him to recover trust in me? Would he even be able to do so?

 

And I did hammer the facts as I learnt them in an effort to make him realize the thousand little steps he took to slide down that slippery slope...that it did NOT "just happen" as they LOVE to convince themselves.

 

As in: Why did you star calling a D co-worker at home to discuss a project? And why did you never tell me? How would YOU feel if I did that and kept it secret from you?

 

A long process...kindly, painfully done...and good therapists did the rest.

 

I am convinced part of a successful reconciliation is examine all those small choices, which may have seemed inconsequential at the time, to be examined in the scope of the marital relationship for being the boundary-crossing actions they were.