The WS's cheating had nothing to do with me?

[drifter777]

God, I hate this statement. I am glad that thinking like this helps some BS's heal, but I wonder if they are just lying to themselves.

 

It definitely had something to do with me. Her cheating made me responsible for being the kind of man who's wife would lie to my face, cheat on behind my back, and then cheat right out in the open. Someone she grew to have no respect for, someone who deserved to be stabbed in the back. What's even worse is that she was proven right about me being a back-up plan. I proved that I was the kind of man who wouldn't divorce her when she begged me to come back. What kind of chump does that make me?

 

Her cheating was the worst kind of betrayal - how does that not make it about me? You can say that something in her and our marriage was broken, but at that time she thought so little of me that my feelings and our marriage meant nothing to her.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Drifter - your comments make me so sad (during a time I am struggling anyway). You could be my husband and I truly am so, so sorry that I hurt his tender heart the way I did. I look at this man, who is really and truly a good man - he is respected in his profession (in which he helps people every day), respected in the community, loves his children with a fierceness and worked hard every day to provide for us and is, himself, a giver. He made his own mistakes in the aftermath and I don't even hold that against him at all.

 

It has taken so long to get to the point we are at now. I deeply regret letting myself invest in another relationship that was going absolutely nowhere and the disaster that happened in the wake of all of that. I hope your wife feels the same and I hope you can get to the point where you get past it all - as I hope my husband does too.

 

I don't know how long you have been married, but we have way too many years invested throw it all away.

 

It's a very hard road - not for the weak. Some days I am brought to my knees by it all.

 

I suppose it is difficult to hear "it's not about you" or "it has nothing to do with you" - I know it's a huge blow to self-esteem. I still honestly believe that so many of the choices had nothing to do with my husband - he didn't do anything wrong. I had to get to the base reasons as to why I did what I did. I knew I had childhood issues to deal with that I rug swept as a young woman because I thought I could handle it and I couldn't - I should have been in therapy YEARS ago and maybe I could have avoided all of this. Just hearing in IC/MC some of the reasons why helped myself and my husband - even as the professional he is, it was still difficult to wrap his head around all of it. He is at heart a "fixer" and he just wanted it all "fixed". When the counselor told him it would take a few years, I think he was in denial that it was the truth - it WOULD take at least that long (and it has). This is part of the reason I do not care for some of Dr. Harley's methods - he believes IC is a waste of time in recovering a marriage - for me, it was paramount. There was no way I could begin to recover the marriage in the hopeless and broken state I was in.

 

I don't fault you for feeling the way you do - it is the way you feel, but be gentle with yourself.

 

I wish you well.

Edited November 27, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[RightThere]

God, I hate this statement. I am glad that thinking like this helps some BS's heal, but I wonder if they are just lying to themselves.

 

It definitely had something to do with me. Her cheating made me responsible for being the kind of man who's wife would lie to my face, cheat on behind my back, and then cheat right out in the open. Someone she grew to have no respect for, someone who deserved to be stabbed in the back. What's even worse is that she was proven right about me being a back-up plan. I proved that I was the kind of man who wouldn't divorce her when she begged me to come back. What kind of chump does that make me?

 

Her cheating was the worst kind of betrayal - how does that not make it about me? You can say that something in her and our marriage was broken, but at that time she thought so little of me that my feelings and our marriage meant nothing to her.

 

Don't hate yourself for her decision or hers. I am a BS and I refuse to put all of the blame for the affairs on my WW.

 

You made mistakes, but she made bigger mistakes.

 

And you are not a chump for taking her back. I would have taken my serial cheating WW back if I knew she was going to stop her old ways.

 

Forgiveness is a gift that you give to someone. It's a piece of you that you give up. The only hope is that is can be replaced by love and honesty going forward from you wife.

 

You sir, are no chump to me.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Sorry - I wanted to edit and it was past that point - I wanted to say the following also.

 

It has taken so long to get to the point we are at now. I deeply regret letting myself invest in another relationship that was going absolutely nowhere and the disaster that happened in the wake of all of that. Although it's difficult, I am beginning to see that man for who is truly is (was) - and he did not have any of my best interests at heart and certainly did not have my husband's or my children's either. He didn't have his own wife's (who was pregnant at the time) best interests at heart. In the subsequent years and what I hear about him, he is not anywhere near "sorry" for what he did either because he never even met with my husband (whom he called his friend). This in and of itself tells me he respects no one and certainly didn't respect my husband. It took time for me to get to that place. I hope your wife feels the same and I hope you can get to the point where you get past it all - as I hope my husband does too.

[painfullyobvious]

This statement may be true but it makes no difference. This statement is like the age old breakup line its not you, its me.

 

The cheating behavior may it fact be because your wife is someone who needs external validation constantly, she may have monogamy issues or even sex addiction issues. All of these things may not be about you per se but because you are married to her they are very much your problem. Also by not blaming you she is somewhat insightful on her problems. Often a cheater makes it entirely about their partners. This may be to your benefit if you reconcile with the help of a counselor. Your wife needs to understand why she is cheating and cannot remain faithful if it is truthfully not about you. I am in no way excusing her behavior; understand me.

 

Honestly I see your wife who appears self-centered and selfish. I know the betrayal sucks and as betrayed people it is impossible to not make it about ourselves. We internalize the WS behavior as our fault (not good looking, not fulfilling needs, bad communicator, bad in bed, etc.). However, I was "a chump" like you who took his girlfriend back after many times cheating. I loved her and wanted to try and make things work, that doesn't make you a chump. It makes you human who cares about someone that you want to stay with. In saying this, you also have to draw a line on how often you are willing to be put in the position of a backup plan, someone who will just put up with cheating or be embarrassed by WS behavior. For me I gave her a few chances and just said enough is enough. It was horrible to leave but it was worse wondering where she was, wondering as I looked across the room if she was thinking about him, and I finally got sick of sleepless nights and the emotional pain.

 

The whole experience gave me strength for future relationships and what I would tolerate from that point forward. There will be many who will tell you to pack her a bag and kick her out, get some self-respect, be a man, etc.. I put up with a lot to try and save the relationship and I can say I tried to save the relationship and have no regrets. If you want to make it work make sure there are ground rules, consequences for the cheating and draw a firm line in the sand about what happens from this point forward. This is where I failed and wished I had done. If there is no real consequences for cheating she will buy her time, play the sympathetic partner, woe is me for doing this and just keep right on going on with the relationship.

 

Generally she needs to go no contact with affair partner/s, needs to be transparent open electronic devices (passwords for e-mails, cell phones, computer at your desertion), go to counseling, show remorse and work diligently to provide proof she is remorseful. She needs to be the heavy lifter in reconciling and understand that you may need full disclosure and details. If she is caught in more lies you may need to make a difficult decision on reconciling or not. More lies are often indicative of more secret behaviors.

 

 

 

Sorry you are in this situation... More good advice is to follow. Many of us have been where you are and our experience can help you. Good luck!!!

[Furious]

God, I hate this statement. I am glad that thinking like this helps some BS's heal, but I wonder if they are just lying to themselves.

 

It definitely had something to do with me. Her cheating made me responsible for being the kind of man who's wife would lie to my face, cheat on behind my back, and then cheat right out in the open. Someone she grew to have no respect for, someone who deserved to be stabbed in the back. What's even worse is that she was proven right about me being a back-up plan. I proved that I was the kind of man who wouldn't divorce her when she begged me to come back. What kind of chump does that make me?

 

Her cheating was the worst kind of betrayal - how does that not make it about me? You can say that something in her and our marriage was broken, but at that time she thought so little of me that my feelings and our marriage meant nothing to her.

 

I truly believe cheating has nothing to do with the betrayed spouse. Cheaters cheat because they feel entitled and are more often than not conflict avoidant.

 

The issue, once the cheating is discovered is the beating a betrayed spouse gives themselves. You're damned if you do or damned if you don't when being faced with the choice to reconcile or divorce. It's a choice between a **** sandwich with fries on the side or a **** sandwich with onion rings on the side.

 

At the end of the day I think those that stay in the marriage feel a deep self sense of self belittling if the WS is not truly remorseful in their eyes.

 

Learning and reading about cheaters I realized that too often a betrayed spouse spends too much emotional energy into the cheater rather than themselves and why they ate that **** sandwich.

 

At the end of the day, it's never too late to walk away from the infidelity menu and a betrayed spouse has the right to order from a menu that will not make them sick.

[ZombieEye]

You can say that something in her and our marriage was broken, but at that time she thought so little of me that my feelings and our marriage meant nothing to her.

 

I hear you. Pisses me off.

 

But being as broken as she was, she was obviously unable to think anything of you at all, let alone something positive like love, loyalty and fidelity. It did mean nothing at the time. At the time.

 

It's taking me a long time to come to grips with that with my WH. Coming up on a year now. He says over and over again that he didn't even like himself during that time, how could he like or love me?

 

It doesn't help that it must be the spouse's fault if the other cheats is common opinion in general and in the media. My daughter, who doesn't know what's going on with us, made an offhand comment about someone who's wife is a bitch, and - I forget how she worded it but it was to the effect that it wouldn't be surprising if the husband cheated on her because of that. It took all my strength to answer calmly that her being a bitch wasn't an excuse to forsake vows, etc.

 

And I can't tell you how many TV shows trigger me when - oh, yeah, they're cheating, it's fine, but the spouse deserves it. Aaaaggghhhh!!!!!!

 

We know better. Small comfort, but we know better.

 

It doesn't make it any easier though.

[Realist3]

The WS's cheating had nothing to do with me?

 

I think it can be both ways, and/or a mixture of the two. And I agree that she is trying to tell you it was something that was broken within her and not you, at least that is how I would take it.

[Spark1111]

God, I hate this statement. I am glad that thinking like this helps some BS's heal, but I wonder if they are just lying to themselves.

 

It definitely had something to do with me. Her cheating made me responsible for being the kind of man who's wife would lie to my face, cheat on behind my back, and then cheat right out in the open. Someone she grew to have no respect for, someone who deserved to be stabbed in the back. What's even worse is that she was proven right about me being a back-up plan. I proved that I was the kind of man who wouldn't divorce her when she begged me to come back. What kind of chump does that make me?

 

Her cheating was the worst kind of betrayal - how does that not make it about me? You can say that something in her and our marriage was broken, but at that time she thought so little of me that my feelings and our marriage meant nothing to her.

 

But that IS typical cheating behavior, isn't?

 

Don't they all operate that what you don't know can't hurt you? Selfish, entitled, and rarely understand the scope of the pain they have wreaked until....caught.

 

And why are you responsible for her behavior? Aren't you the same man you were pre-, during and post affair as a partner?

 

did you beat her? Abuse her? Abuse alcohol and drugs? Cheat? Denigrate? criticize her?

 

Did she have reason to stray?

 

If you search your heart and the answer is no, then her actions are on her.

 

One of the hardest parts in my healing was realizing I fell in love with someone who was damaged; who never heard 'good boy' while growing up; who sought the external validation of strangers, from the boss, to the co-worker, to the OW.

 

I was a loving, devoted, attentive and sexual wife. What MORE could I have done?

 

Nothing.

 

So either you are in the camp that realizes happiness comes from within, or you are in the camp always looking for that ephemeral something or someone to make you happy.

[drifter777]

...

So either you are in the camp that realizes happiness comes from within, or you are in the camp always looking for that ephemeral something or someone to make you happy.

There are two kinds of people in this world; the kind that separate people into two kinds and the kind that don't. The either/or you suggest is way too simplistic - nothing in life is so cut-and-dried.

 

I do appreciate your opinions on this and other things that you contribute to, although I do think you are too quick to give the WS a pass because the BS has human frailties too.

[ChooseTruth]

God, I hate this statement. I am glad that thinking like this helps some BS's heal, but I wonder if they are just lying to themselves.

 

It definitely had something to do with me. Her cheating made me responsible for being the kind of man who's wife would lie to my face, cheat on behind my back, and then cheat right out in the open.

These are her actions, not yours. You aren't responsible for her actions.

 

Someone she grew to have no respect for, someone who deserved to be stabbed in the back. What's even worse is that she was proven right about me being a back-up plan.

Again, her actions, not yours

 

I proved that I was the kind of man who wouldn't divorce her when she begged me to come back. What kind of chump does that make me?

A forgiving one? But this is beside the question in the subject line.

 

Her cheating was the worst kind of betrayal - how does that not make it about me?

It definitely hurt and affects you, but isn't because of you.

 

You can say that something in her and our marriage was broken, but at that time she thought so little of me that my feelings and our marriage meant nothing to her.

She would probably disagree with this, and in any case I still don't believe you caused that.

 

I will say you can take precautions; this will give them less coput reasons, but try as you may, problems will always be there. If they are the kind of people that will cheat then it will happen as soon as the inevitable marriage issues arise. Hopefully your fWW is not that person anymore.

 

I'm sue you've read all this a million times being a regular here

[BetrayedH]

I do appreciate your opinions on this and other things that you contribute to, although I do think you are too quick to give the WS a pass because the BS has human frailties too.

 

You changed the subject on your own thread. It isn't about giving the WS a pass; it's about giving YOU a pass. FWIW, your wife made a stupid decision from a broken place and that's about her.

 

I think part of the problem is that you blame yourself for taking her back (which is a different conversation). I think you DID take her back too easily and you did it to save your marriage and family. What a freakin' arsehole!

 

Cut yourself a break, Drifter. You didn't make her cheat and you salvaged your family. You should be proud of yourself. I am.

[Fluttershy]

"It's all about me" is a very common human point of view to have. After all, the only people who we really know the thoughts of are ourselves. And even then we often don't understand ourselves. I think what you are confusing is the meaning of the term.

Of course the spouse's cheating affected you and was a part of your life. So when viewing the statement in that way the statement is wrong.

But WHY and HOW the spouse cheated in almost all cases (I won't go all absolute on here) has nothing to do with the one betrayed. It isn't always an act of spite and it is because the spouse, who only can control themselves, chooses wrong. Why they chose what they chose and all that changes per situation but it was always the wayward spouse's choice alone. And they bare that responsibility 100%. So if that is what the term means "It had nothing to do with you" then that is true. See what I am getting at?

[dichotomy]

Well my reconciliation (or just staying) had nothing much to do with her exactly - so fine with me her affair had nothing to do with me.

 

Guess we both choose to do what we thought was best for ourselves.

Edited November 28, 2013 by dichotomy

[Spark1111]

There are two kinds of people in this world; the kind that separate people into two kinds and the kind that don't. The either/or you suggest is way too simplistic - nothing in life is so cut-and-dried.

 

I do appreciate your opinions on this and other things that you contribute to, although I do think you are too quick to give the WS a pass because the BS has human frailties too.

 

Who said I gave him a pass? I had a suitcase packed and a divorce attorney on speed dial for TWO YEARS.

 

I threw him out to be with his soulmate on DDAY, and every single additional time I realized they were still in contact.....the man had to beg, plead me to even have a conversation with him.

 

I put him through hell every day for a long time. he had to convince me through actions I was NOT his default choice, and even then, I wasn't believing him.

 

drifter, I'm with BH on this one.

 

Who are you really angry at? Your wife for having the affair? or yourself for taking her back without any grand stand display on her part of choosing YOU? Wooing you back? Wanting only you and you alone?

 

I knew immediately that my very healthy ego knew that immediately.

 

is it possible, over time, you have found your voice, your confidence, your ego and regret that you did not OWN your immediate choice to reconcile?

 

Did you reconcile for the wrong reasons? or reasons that today you wish you had acted differently THEN?

 

Because I can see that being a huge regret, one that could torment you for years.

 

we all seek reassurances that we made the right decisions, whether we stayed or divorced.

[Spectre]

I think at the end of the day, whether it was her or you..she cheated, you need to get rid of her immediately.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think at the end of the day, whether it was her or you..she cheated, you need to get rid of her immediately.

 

So you are saying in every marriage, where there is infidelity, the answer is divorce?

[janedoe67]

I think at the end of the day, whether it was her or you..she cheated, you need to get rid of her immediately.

 

Have you READ any of his other posts? Of course he s saying that. Once a cheater, always a cheater - all cheaters were born as evil waiting to pounce.

 

OP, your spouse's choice to cheat falls on ONE set of shoulders - HERs. Period.

 

I won't go into whether or not there is ever a case that that the marriage was bad or whether that contributed to any vulnerability cause I've learned my lesson on that one. But at any rate, that is a separate issue.

 

No matter what else might have been going on, no one forced her to cheat. SHE made that selfish choice.

 

You made the choice to try to salvage your family instead of just go with what felt good to your angry gut in the moment. You should never beat yourself up for thinking about someone besides yourself just because SHE was only thinking about herself.

 

I can't imagine how hard it is to deal with a spouse's betrayal, and to know that there is a part of you (if you choose to nurture it) that might always feel resentful that "she got away with it" if there isn't a divorce or some kind of permanent debilitating consequences.

[Raena]

God, I hate this statement. I am glad that thinking like this helps some BS's heal, but I wonder if they are just lying to themselves.

 

It definitely had something to do with me. Her cheating made me responsible for being the kind of man who's wife would lie to my face, cheat on behind my back, and then cheat right out in the open. Someone she grew to have no respect for, someone who deserved to be stabbed in the back. What's even worse is that she was proven right about me being a back-up plan. I proved that I was the kind of man who wouldn't divorce her when she begged me to come back. What kind of chump does that make me?

 

Her cheating was the worst kind of betrayal - how does that not make it about me? You can say that something in her and our marriage was broken, but at that time she thought so little of me that my feelings and our marriage meant nothing to her.

 

This is what I'm having trouble understanding. If you see it as SHE thought so little of you, then how is that your fault? That's on her isn't it?

 

I have spent some time soul searching to see if there was something I did that contributed to my ex deciding to cheat on me as well. I think it is a normal reaction to the situation.

 

In the end, does it really matter what you did that may have contributed to her cheating? I mean, weren't you in the same relationship? Did you choose to cheat? It is her selfish choices that have no reflection on you. You can't control what she chooses to do. That's on her. She made the decision to cheat rather than work out whatever the problem was. So again... it really isn't your fault... it's HERS!

 

I see other posters saying that you taking her back might be what you are really upset about. Is that true? Did you take her back and are you regretting that decision now?

[BHsigh]

I hear you man, my wife cheating on me was the fourth time I've been cheated on in my life, kind of makes you bitter towards relationships in general.

 

 

I think that's one of the reasons that I stayed with her, other than the length of our relationship, having kids together and having moved really far away from family and friends. I am very untrusting of anyone at this point in my life, I've been horribly betrayed by my family, friends and SO's at one point or another.

 

 

That's my new life's motto, no one really cares about other people, they will only think of themselves and their wants in the end. Everyone has the ability to hurt others in the most extreme of ways, and I fully expect everyone to totally f**k me over, and if they do, they will only be proving me right.

 

 

Now I know what my wife is capable of and how little she would think of my feeling when it comes down to it, and thanks to my new life's motto, if it even happens again she will only be proving me right, not wrong.

 

 

So, I just suck it up and keep going on.

[RightThere]

I hear you man, my wife cheating on me was the fourth time I've been cheated on in my life, kind of makes you bitter towards relationships in general.

 

 

I think that's one of the reasons that I stayed with her, other than the length of our relationship, having kids together and having moved really far away from family and friends. I am very untrusting of anyone at this point in my life, I've been horribly betrayed by my family, friends and SO's at one point or another.

 

 

That's my new life's motto, no one really cares about other people, they will only think of themselves and their wants in the end. Everyone has the ability to hurt others in the most extreme of ways, and I fully expect everyone to totally f**k me over, and if they do, they will only be proving me right.

 

 

Now I know what my wife is capable of and how little she would think of my feeling when it comes down to it, and thanks to my new life's motto, if it even happens again she will only be proving me right, not wrong.

 

 

So, I just suck it up and keep going on.

 

Well that's a great attitude to have. Wait for things to go wrong so you can say "Yay, I was right!"

 

Your life is what you make it. If you choose to stay with someone waiting for them to cheat just so you can be right, then you are no better than them.

 

Sorry you've had a bad run but there is a lot of truth in "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

[BHsigh]

Well that's a great attitude to have. Wait for things to go wrong so you can say "Yay, I was right!"

 

Your life is what you make it. If you choose to stay with someone waiting for them to cheat just so you can be right, then you are no better than them.

 

Sorry you've had a bad run but there is a lot of truth in "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

 

 

 

Where did I ever say that I was waiting for them to cheat? I just said that based on my past, I prepare for the worst to happen.

 

 

Ever hear of "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst"?

 

 

I am hoping that she proves me wrong and all of my preparations were for nothing.

 

 

And honestly, expecting the worst is the best that I can do in my life after all of the crap that I have been through, at least I'm not giving up by putting a gun to my head, and believe me, that thought has crossed my mind numerous times.

 

 

I wish that I could put a positive spin on everything like some people, but having my dad cheat on my mom and then both of them abandoning me and my sisters, being cheated on four different times, having my best friend whipping out his **** to my 13 year old little sister and having my family defend him, my cousin being kidnapped when he was 12 and I was 13, my cousin husband killing her then himself in front of their 3 kids, another cousin being shot in the temple by the BS of his OW and leaving behind a wife and two kids, another cousin killing herself by overdosing after her WH cheated on her after their 14 year old son died, my sister divorcing her husband for cheating on her, they have 5 kids, my dad ignoring me and my two daughters (and my two sisters 6 kids) in favor of the daughter that he had with OW and the two grandchildren that she had, and then my wife having an affair with a friend, a guy that I hung out with, I could continue on with the murders and backstabbing in my family and the backstabbing from friends, but I'm going to stop there.

 

 

Life isn't all gung-ho and cheerios for everyone, I think that I'm pretty stable, maybe extremely pessimistic given the circumstances, but I never gave up, and I'm still trying to improve myself, but the trust is never coming back into my life; not now, not ever, for my wife, or any possible future relationship.