Affair coming up in arguments

[compulsivedancer]

Two days in a row, H and I argued about money. Both days, I end up hearing about the affair. The second day he said something so outrageously disgusting. He apologized after, but I see this happening again. What do I do?

[drifter777]

Two days in a row, H and I argued about money. Both days, I end up hearing about the affair. The second day he said something so outrageously disgusting. He apologized after, but I see this happening again. What do I do?

Since it hasn't been long since D-day I hope you understand that he's still hurting and will lash out at you from time to time. Talk about it when you are both calm and let him know that throwing this in your face while arguing about a completely different subject is not fair. But also tell him you understand that he's still working to accept what you did and you are willing to discuss it whenever he needs to.

[oldshirt]

yeah what Drifter said. His faith and respect in you have taken a big hit and you may be scum and trash in his eyes for quite awhile until his faith and respect in you can be built back up.

 

He doesn't have the right to abuse you or spit in your eye (figuratively speaking) of course but you have to expect that his esteem of you has taken a hit and he just simply isn't always going to treat you with the same esteem and deference that he used to.

 

You tore that card up when you cheated.

 

He doesn't have the right to hold it over your head forever or to use it as an excuse to blatantly treat you badly but you're gonna have to expect him to have a little more fire in his belly and bit sharper tongue and give it a little leeway for awhile.

 

Only you will be able to decide how much you are going to be willing to take and it will be up to him to decide how much bitterness and resentment he is going to be willing to put up with within himself as well.

[Spark1111]

Two days in a row, H and I argued about money. Both days, I end up hearing about the affair. The second day he said something so outrageously disgusting. He apologized after, but I see this happening again. What do I do?

 

So true! So unfair.....but it may never change. Can you accept it?

 

The affair relationship is ground zero, the standard all other interactions will be measured against, rightly or wrongly.

 

not fair. Agreed. But it is what it is......

[Artie Lang]

call me crazy, but your reconciliation is moving waaay to fast. you kept insinuating that your husband is above all the resentment and anger concerning your affair..... that he pretty much moved on from it. well, it seems like that's not the case.

 

he pretty much bottled up all this animosity and is now just realizing that it does indeed bother him more that he let on.

[Bryanp]

If the roles had been reversed how do you think you would be acting?

[Realist3]

Two days in a row, H and I argued about money. Both days, I end up hearing about the affair. The second day he said something so outrageously disgusting. He apologized after, but I see this happening again. What do I do?

 

 

It is called deflection, and when one is losing an argument they will seek to deflect to another issue to try and win the argument. He knows you are weak in that position so if he feels he is losing the argument he will deflect to the affair. Don't let him pull that cheap trick. If you let him get away with it now he will always fall back to that tactic. It has nothing to do dealing with the issue at hand, but winning.

[Realist3]

Next time you are in an argument that has nothing to do with your affair, just look the other way and say, "Nope, not playing that game."

[ian1966]

Yep, happens to me too.

 

I just say "You're playing the Ace (affair) again" and remain calm, walk outside and have a cigarette (funny, I took up smoking just after DDay, 6 months ago). She usually calms down.

 

Trite but usually works.

[crederer]

Even if you are having an argument about something that seemingly has nothing to do with the affair, the reality is that he has some underlying issues about it and to him, it IS about the affair (whether he realizes it or not).

 

He's pissed. And rightfully so.

[Realist3]

Even if you are having an argument about something that seemingly has nothing to do with the affair, the reality is that he has some underlying issues about it and to him, it IS about the affair (whether he realizes it or not).

 

He's pissed. And rightfully so.

 

What? No. That is not correct. He is looking for an easy to win the argument by changing the subject to something he knows she can't win. It is perhaps the most used tactic in argument, from politics to changing underwear.

[ian1966]

easy to tell in this thread who's a WS and who's a BS

[Realist3]

easy to tell in this thread who's a WS and who's a BS

 

Yes it is. I get the idea that BS's feel like every argument they might get into going forward they automatically feel they should win because of the Ace card you mentioned.

[crederer]

What? No. That is not correct. He is looking for an easy to win the argument by changing the subject to something he knows she can't win. It is perhaps the most used tactic in argument, from politics to changing underwear.

 

What I'm suggesting is that he is resentful and probably leads to a lot of the arguments to begin with.

[AlwaysGrowing]

More than likely during an argument, when emotions run high, it triggers the affair pain inside your husband.

 

That is why, most people will tell you, that if a BS seems to be above the standard types of reactions it usually means that they are not processing it all, they are rug sweeping the pain. One has to go through the pain, not around, or under...through.

 

If he isn't sharing the pain, it usually means that the BS does not feel safe enough to make themselves vulnerable to the WS.

 

So, when a argument happens, the bottled up emotions concerning the affair erupt because the BS is letting some anger out, all the rest surfaces.

 

Fair? Probably not. Neither is the affair pain.

 

Try your best not to react, remind yourself that it is the pain speaking. Do not take it personal, which I know is hard. Allow him the right to his pain, it is his, not yours.

 

Try to redirect. "If you want to discuss the affair we can or we can talk about the money issue, your choice"

 

Afterwards, discuss (like it seems you did) how it was unfair to you, him and the relationship and that you want to build something better than before.

 

The goal should be that the affair is worked through and all issues concerning it, trust, commitment, communication...etc.

[crederer]

More than likely during an argument, when emotions run high, it triggers the affair pain inside your husband.

 

That is why, most people will tell you, that if a BS seems to be above the standard types of reactions it usually means that they are not processing it all, they are rug sweeping the pain. One has to go through the pain, not around, or under...through.

 

If he isn't sharing the pain, it usually means that the BS does not feel safe enough to make themselves vulnerable to the WS.

 

So, when a argument happens, the bottled up emotions concerning the affair erupt because the BS is letting some anger out, all the rest surfaces.

 

Fair? Probably not. Neither is the affair pain.

 

Try your best not to react, remind yourself that it is the pain speaking. Do not take it personal, which I know is hard. Allow him the right to his pain, it is his, not yours.

 

Try to redirect. "If you want to discuss the affair we can or we can talk about the money issue, your choice"

 

Afterwards, discuss (like it seems you did) how it was unfair to you, him and the relationship and that you want to build something better than before.

 

The goal should be that the affair is worked through and all issues concerning it, trust, commitment, communication...etc.

 

This is pretty much exactly what I was trying to say but didn't articulate it quite as well.

[jnj express]

Your A---is the very, very large elephant in the middle of your relationship---and unfortunately, it ain't goin away any time soon---it just goes with the territory

 

Be prepared to deal with it, whenever and wherever your H, decides to bring it up---and short of his being abusive---he is entitled to bring it up as much as he deems necessary-----that last statement is what he gets---you on the other hand, do not have to put up with any of his unhappiness/problems/destruction---you can just get a D, and move on---no one is tying your feet to the fire, you are free to do anything you want---but if you intend to stay---then you are gonna have to deal with your H's pain and misery, and your gonna have to deal with it--however he wants to put it out there!!!!

 

This is part of the price you will have to pay for having an A, and wanting to stay in the mge----there is always the other option, as I just said above, if you don't like/can't handle the misery that you now live in, get your D., and move on.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

CD - it will get better but for awhile, yes, any argument can end up with the affair being at the forefront of the conversation. It did for us for quite ahwile. Then after my husband has his affair, things were more on a level playing field for us. I am not saying it was the best thing that could have happened, but in our case now there are no stones to throw. He could say I did it first and (as far as I know) he would be correct, but in the end it doesn't really matter. We have chosen to reconcile - probably we both have different reasons for doing so - but nevertheless it is the reality.

 

I would take it very very slowly. When something like that happens, as hard as it may be - just listen - let him vent. He may have some very valid points to which you can say "I see your point and I am so sorry you are feeling this way". It might be an opportunity to open up new doors of discussion and intimacy that may not otherwise have been opened.

 

What I have learned is to be in the moment, whatever that is at that time. It has helped me greatly to work through all of it.

 

You are just beginning - give yourself some breathing room.

[yellowmaverick]

Yes it is. I get the idea that BS's feel like every argument they might get into going forward they automatically feel they should win because of the Ace card you mentioned.

 

This is a seriously cold and callous statement. A BS's pain is not an "Ace card". Don't presume to know anything about what a BS feels or thinks. You are so off base.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

But it actually is - I am on both sides of this and I can honestly tell you that now (after my husbands affair) it is an ace card - I hat to say it but it is reality. Might not be for everyone but it is definitely different for every circumstance.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Two days in a row, H and I argued about money. Both days, I end up hearing about the affair. The second day he said something so outrageously disgusting. He apologized after, but I see this happening again. What do I do?

 

Ask him why he brought up the affair during the argument.

 

Without any details, it's hard for us to figure out why he did it, but he should know.

 

Was money involved in the affair and if so could that have triggered him thinking of it?

 

Do you never argue, or do you argue once in a while and this time he brought it up?

 

Something in the argument, even the way you argued, could have reminded him of the way you argued while you were lying to him or rationalizing to him about the affair. It could be that he feels you "won" in having the affair and he feels you should be giving in on other matters. It could be a thousand different things.

 

If you don't want it to happen again, you have to find out why he did it, and the only way you will find that out is to ask him why he brought it up, then try to resolve whatever it is.

[aliveagain]

It's easy, just build a time machine, go back in time, say no to O/M and go to a movie alone instead than go forward to the day you told your husband that the 3 times you had anal sex with O/M were great, lie. If you love this man and want to stay married to him stop finding reasons to not do the work, you put him there, you get him out. This is real life.

[beach]

He's telling you that you've hurt him!

 

What are you doing to repair the damage you caused?

 

Be specific.

[BeholdtheMan]

Two days in a row, H and I argued about money. Both days, I end up hearing about the affair. The second day he said something so outrageously disgusting. He apologized after, but I see this happening again. What do I do?

He's still angry about the fact that until fairly recently, another man was all up inside of you

 

I would say, maybe you should be a bit more sympathetic toward his anger?

 

If you don't want to hear about your affair, you shouldn't have had one. You're paying a small price for your infidelity. Your husband could've left you.

 

Anyway...I can guarantee you that the pain you feel because your husband mentions the affair is nothing compared to the pain he feels because you've been boning another man.

[BeholdtheMan]

If the roles had been reversed how do you think you would be acting?

Such a simple question...yet most cheating spouses fail to ask themselves this question when they're faced with their betrayed spouses' resentment