Self Respect

[sweet_pea]

I've seen both here and on other forums this idea that a BS who stays in their relationship after D-Day has no self-respect. What do you think of this notion? Do you agree or disagree? I'm not sure if this topic has already been brought up, apologies if so!

[RightThere]

I think that is an utterly foolish notion that is just trying to garner a lot opposing feedback.

 

Well look at that.........

[Under The Radar]

No, that's not true. There are a multitude of factors that impact the choice. For starters, reconciling a marriage (possibly with children) that is salvageable.

[yellowmaverick]

I've seen both here and on other forums this idea that a BS who stays in their relationship after D-Day has no self-respect. What do you think of this notion? Do you agree or disagree? I'm not sure if this topic has already been brought up, apologies if so!

 

I think that it depends on whether he/she is allowing the abuse by his/her spouse to continue. When a WS is truly remorseful and shows it consistently, a BS does not lack self-respect by trying to reconcile the marriage. However, if a WS is a serial cheater and the BS knows it and stays anyway, I would wonder if the BS valued himself/herself enough.

 

Who is to say, though. Marriage is more than just a piece of paper. It is a unique bond through two hearts and two souls. The connection is often the strongest that each of them will ever have -especially for couples who have been married for many years. Married people have walked through thick and thin together and the bond is very difficult to break, even in a case of infidelity. For many of us, losing our spouse is akin to losing our right arm. This is why most WSs do not leave their spouses - they cannot bear to permanently break this bond.

[tiredofitall2]

I've seen both here and on other forums this idea that a BS who stays in their relationship after D-Day has no self-respect. What do you think of this notion? Do you agree or disagree? I'm not sure if this topic has already been brought up, apologies if so!

 

Disagree.

 

I think it shows commitment

[fmrmarine]

I don't post often, but I do read the boards but I felt compelled to chime in here. I am almost 1 year past DDay from finding out my wife of 18 years had been carrying on a 3-year affair. We have tried reconciliation as we have two teenage kids. I believe my wife has had no contact and is truly remoseful, but I can't stay anymore because I have lost respect for myself for not divorcing her. In fact, I put a deposit on an apartment today. I am not going to tell her I'm leaving until after the holidays as I don't think that timing would be best for the kids. But I have decided on divorce. It's just too great a transgression. Granted, my wife's 3 year affair is somewhat extreme as it was for such a long period of time and she only came clean when I gathered enough evidence that denial would have been impossible and it was with a person who was supposed to be a friend. It's just too much.

[tiredofitall2]

Disagree.

 

I think it shows commitment

 

 

Well, it depends on what kind of affair. There are certainly different scenarios. A one night stand cannot compare to a 3 year affair as on the post above. So I needed to correct this.

 

Also depends whether the WWS is truly sorry for their transgression.

[Spark1111]

I told my FWH it would take three things:

 

Forgiving the affair; which I did fairly quickly. I was amazed, at that point in our marriage, I didn't have an affair. I could have; just not built that way, despite offers.

 

Secondly; the lies and the lying to,my face daily....just about killed me! I loved him enough to let him go and told him often....He never had to lie, but he NEVER had the courage to tell the truth of his feelings for another....

 

Thirdly; the regaining of respect, the hardest element to regain, after ALL THAT LYING....

 

Not easy. Not easy to realize how weak the person I loved, trusted and thought the sun rose and settled on his shoulder....

[ChooseTruth]

I've seen both here and on other forums this idea that a BS who stays in their relationship after D-Day has no self-respect. What do you think of this notion? Do you agree or disagree? I'm not sure if this topic has already been brought up, apologies if so!

I totally disagree, this coming from someone who divorced his exWW.

 

I desperately wanted to keep my family intact and if I could have weathered the abuse longer, waiting for her to change, I might have done it...but I reached my limit.

 

I've seen it said a lot that it takes strength to stay and it takes strength to leave. I agree with that.

[drifter777]

I don't post often, but I do read the boards but I felt compelled to chime in here. I am almost 1 year past DDay from finding out my wife of 18 years had been carrying on a 3-year affair. We have tried reconciliation as we have two teenage kids. I believe my wife has had no contact and is truly remoseful, but I can't stay anymore because I have lost respect for myself for not divorcing her. In fact, I put a deposit on an apartment today. I am not going to tell her I'm leaving until after the holidays as I don't think that timing would be best for the kids. But I have decided on divorce. It's just too great a transgression. Granted, my wife's 3 year affair is somewhat extreme as it was for such a long period of time and she only came clean when I gathered enough evidence that denial would have been impossible and it was with a person who was supposed to be a friend. It's just too much.

If you determined after a year of trying to reconcile that you just can't accept a cheating wife then ending your marriage is the only option if you want to find peace of mind after all of this. Staying with her for the sake of the kids or because you are afraid of being alone or whatever other lame reason is betraying yourself.

[underwater2010]

The affair did ding my self esteem....but not my self respect. The funny thing a being a BS with children is that I cannot just think of myself and what I want. See I am not selfish and I am looking out for the best interest of our children first.

 

 

I personally find family first highly respectable there for I have plenty of self respect.

[underwater2010]

The affair did ding my self esteem....but not my self respect. The funny thing a being a BS with children is that I cannot just think of myself and what I want. See I am not selfish and I am looking out for the best interest of our children first.

 

 

I personally find family first highly respectable there for I have plenty of self respect.

Oops...forgot....you can call me wifey!!!

[Spark1111]

My 16 year-ols son, the baby of the family, blurted after DDay: "Mom, this had NOTHING to do with you."

 

And I held that in my heart, like an anchor, while it took my emotions three years to come full cycle to my initial blink, which was my FWS's affair had NOTHING to do with me.... Crazy times.

 

Reconciling was the hardest thing I have ever done. Maybe, in part, because I have so much self-respect. Didn't cause, nor deserve it; could not control it.

 

Full cycle, circle: Nothing to do with me. Self-respect?

 

just fine.

[crederer]

Depends on the circumstances. But generally speaking, I think most people that stay do it out of fear (whether it's fear of being alone, stability, sake of the kids, or whatever).

[underwater2010]

Depends on the circumstances. But generally speaking, I think most people that stay do it out of fear (whether it's fear of being alone, stability, sake of the kids, or whatever).

Reasons I stay:

1. I gave him the choice to leave and he didn't.

2. I will not raise my kids in poverty, if I can prevent it.

3. It is a first time offence.

4. He is a great father.

5. He is remorseful and really tries.

 

 

It is not always about fear. I am not afraid to stand on my own two feet and raise three children. But why should I break up the home out of anger if we are both willing to work on the marriage?

[crederer]

Reasons I stay:

1. I gave him the choice to leave and he didn't.

2. I will not raise my kids in poverty, if I can prevent it.

3. It is a first time offence.

4. He is a great father.

5. He is remorseful and really tries.

 

 

It is not always about fear. I am not afraid to stand on my own two feet and raise three children. But why should I break up the home out of anger if we are both willing to work on the marriage?

 

 

I wasn't directing the comment at you. However, three of the reasons you posted I would classify as "fear".

[underwater2010]

I wasn't directing the comment at you. However, three of the reasons you posted I would classify as "fear".

They are not fear but facts of our financial situation and choices we have made. I was just pointing out that there are some of us that stay out of necessity or want rather than plan old fear.

[experiencethedevine]

There are a multitude of factors involved in making the decision to stay and work through this terrible catastrophe, or to leave and create a new life.

 

It is my experience (both privately and professionally) that the largest factor is commonly the history of the marriage: length of time together, children, the perception of its health (the lies of the affair remaining undiscovered) and soforth.

 

An affair arises out of the individual's need to satisfy their ego without any thought to surrounding circumstances, whatever they may be. An affair is about that individual's needs above anyone elses.

 

I stayed with my husband because despite all the awful things he had done, I knew without doubt that our marriage was worth the gargantuan efforts we both made to save it.

[dichotomy]

Sometimes I am hard on myself, perhaps it is self respect, for accepting what she was, did. But I also drew a hard line in the sand after dDay for what I would no longer tolerate, and work on the other stuff. But mostly I made a very rational, calculated, and thoughtful decision to stay for various reasons that i do respect,

 

I think perhaps the confirmation of this notion self respect is I really do not regret (on the whole) my decision to continue in the marriage. I made the right choice out of a bad situation for me and others. How can you not respect that?

Edited November 28, 2013 by dichotomy

[MissBee]

I've seen both here and on other forums this idea that a BS who stays in their relationship after D-Day has no self-respect. What do you think of this notion? Do you agree or disagree? I'm not sure if this topic has already been brought up, apologies if so!

 

It depends on why someone stays.

 

All staying isn't created equally.

 

I think the circumstances surrounding the A, the marriage, the individuals as people etc. all ties into their choice to reconcile or stay and how that goes and why. It is very much possible for someone to choose to stay and not even work on their issues or be staying for unhealthy reasons, likewise, it is possible for people to stay and genuinely work things out.

 

I guess the argument some OW make is that the MM isn't cheating on them and being cheated on is worst; however, it's about perspective, as I'm sure some people find being a secret OW, who often gets thrown under the bus and denied as being worst.

[painfullyobvious]

Many marriages that have been effected by infidelity and reconciled report stronger marriages after the hard work of repairing their marriages after infidelity. For some infidelity is a deal breaker. I marvel how easy people say dump him/her, pack a bag and show them the door, etc. It simply is not always that easy.

 

For me I had to try and work on the relationship after infidelity and at least try and reconcile. It didn't work but I think I would be disappointed with myself if I would not have at least tried. I honored my self-respect when I tried to make a relationship with someone I cared about work. It was her decision not too make it work and her self-respect I called into question as I look back.

[Steen719]

After going through it 2x with XH, I can say that I have had the feelings of loss of self respect that I stayed, pride that I stayed, despair that I stayed (after the 2nd time) and self respect that I left after the 2nd time. All over the place, right? I think if I had not rug-swept the first time, I may have had better feelings about staying, but I still felt proud that I had not just given up and thrown my marriage away. Thinking about that now still doesn't bring much clarity. Walking away the 2nd time was harder on me financially and emotionally due to my age, my son being in college, filing bankruptcy and losing my home, but I would not go back with my XH for anything anyone could offer me and I am proud of myself for doing it for ME. I do think, though, that I felt better about staying the first time before he did it the second time - then I felt fooled, as if those next 14 years were just a sham. But then, I should have or wished I had recognized my true feelings that I would never again feel quite the same about him; it could have saved us both some pain and years. Oh well ~ sigh.

 

I now have the opportunity to be with someone who loves me as much he does himself - novel for me after a long marriage with a taker. I am a forgiving person by nature and so I have long ago forgiven my XH for doing what he did to me, to us, to our family, but he is not the kind of person I want to put my love and trust in.

 

I am more "me" than I have been in years and today, that is one thing I can be thankful for.

[peaksandvalleys]

I've seen both here and on other forums this idea that a BS who stays in their relationship after D-Day has no self-respect. What do you think of this notion? Do you agree or disagree? I'm not sure if this topic has already been brought up, apologies if so!

 

 

I disagree. Each BS is different. I think whatever it is the BS is fighting for whether it is to save the marriage, the truth or their independence from the situation it does not mean self respect is lacking. Self respect is most likely measured in terms of the personal struggles and experience. Those things that are not tangible for others.

 

When I first came here I was ripped apart for not showing what was seen as I can only describe as "stereotypical" BS behavior. I asked a few questions but for the most part I had a plan. I had lurked here for awhile, posted on a few other sites especially one with the healing library. I knew what to do and not to do. Not all BS have that information up front. So what is viewed as a lack of self esteem may indeed be panic mode. Or it could be deep love, commitment, and a desire to see a marriage restored. So I think hogwash to the statement the thought all or even most BS having no self respect.

[Eggplant]

It's nobody's business or place to judge the BS or gossip about what the BS has the right to decide for himself or herself. How about having some self respect by respecting other people's freedom to live their own lives?

[AlwaysGrowing]

self-respect

noun

1.

pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honour and dignity.

 

So, as long as one keeps that intact....then self respect is a-okay.

 

If a WS has taken the affair underground...again...nothing in self respect should be effected.