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wouldnt you remember details years later?


nabelp

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I have one other thread in this forum. I am the one who found out that my wife had an affair 12 years ago. It last a while. I found her out because I ran across some text messages she was sending another guy and she was talking about the affair to him.

Its been 29 days since I found her out and I am kicking her out of the house tonight when she gets home from work. Either though I want to make it work, I feel like she is not offering up anything to me. I am the one who has to ask the million questions. I am the one who writes her an email a day to let her know how I feel that day. I am the who feels like I am the only one trying.

She is doing some of the right things. I know all her passwords and I go through her phone every day. However, when I ask about things she suddenly doesn't remember because "it was so long ago". Every thing I got out of her I had to ask and ask again and again and again. Or I rephrase the question and then get an answer. She says she doesn't remember crap and I know there is a lot more to the truths she gave me. After all, she was with him for 3 years.

Heres my question....If I had an affair, I would remember the dates, the times, where, when, how, what I wore, what the number one song in the US was, the weather, what we talked about. Wouldn't you?? I don't care if it happened two days ago or 12 years ago. People just don't forget that stuff.

Im pissed right now because I have had enough. Its so unfortunate that a child is involved.

Wish me luck!

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Heres my question....If I had an affair, I would remember the dates, the times, where, when, how, what I wore, what the number one song in the US was, the weather, what we talked about. Wouldn't you?? I don't care if it happened two days ago or 12 years ago. People just don't forget that stuff.

 

Nope. Not necessarily…

 

I have just recently gotten married (at almost 50 years of age) and in my life, I have had 300+ lovers and five long-term relationships. Looking back, they are all mostly a blur.

 

Sure, I remember an occasional tid-bit about this one or that one, but nothing specific at all.

 

People DO forget that stuff.

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Betrayed&Stayed

My sitch is similar to yours and my wife spent years trying to forget the details. She went into denial and rug sweeping mode after her affair ended. Repressed memory kinda thing.

 

I'm like you and if I were to hook up with some hot chick and had extra-marital sex that was taboo, and would kill my marriage if anyone found out; yeah, I would remember a lot of details. Not everything, but a lot.

 

At some point you'll have to accept that there are some details that you'll never know about. Either by omission or by foggy memories.

 

Maybe you can write down all of your questions, and let her think about it for awhile. That way she is not on the spot.

 

IMO the deal breaker would be the 3 years. 3 years. My wife's affair was 3 months and that is bad enough. I know that I would not be able to get past 3 years.

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The text messages you found. Is she having another affair with a new guy or is it the same guy? Were the texts just conversation or were they the kind she shouldn't be sending to another man?

 

If it's another guy and the messages are flirty or sexy then by all means kick her out.

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Every now and again I recall what a co-worker says...and this seems befitting...

 

"Its your lie, tell it how you want"...and that is exactly what your wife is doing.

 

You are less in grips with reality if you think a liar will simply spew out the truth. And your snooping is stooping to a low level as well. Take the high road and get a lawyer, you are not meant for this antic. It doesn't in any way HELP improve the overall goal of moving on and moving out.

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I remembered thing like approximate dates, the gist of what was done, and some email content. I remember a couple of outfits I wore. But if somebody sat me down tomorrow and said "write down everything" I wouldn't remember a lot of things.

 

That said, it does sound like she isn't trying very hard. That isn't good.

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I remembered thing like approximate dates, the gist of what was done, and some email content. I remember a couple of outfits I wore. But if somebody sat me down tomorrow and said "write down everything" I wouldn't remember a lot of things.

 

That said, it does sound like she isn't trying very hard. That isn't good.

 

 

 

It is said that as you write a time line details come back. As you keep adding more gets remembered.

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You caught her texting another guy behind your back while she was telling him of her previous affair. Why do you think that she was telling him this......so that he would realize that she is open to having another affair. She apparently has learned nothing from her previous cheating on you.

 

If the roles were reversed she would not have put up with your none answers and you texting and talking about intimate things with another woman behind her back and neither should you.

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It depends. My WS has always had a terrible memory, for everything, in our 19 years together. It didn't surprise me when she wouldn't be able to remember things. That's not an excuse, but when combined with the fact that she cringes with guilt and embarassment at the thought of the A, it's not as egregious at this point, over two years after D-day. What sort of details was your WW offering up about her A in these texts?

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Mickey_Fitzpatrick
If I had an affair, I would remember the dates, the times, where, when, how, what I wore, what the number one song in the US was, the weather, what we talked about. Wouldn't you?? I don't care if it happened two days ago or 12 years ago. People just don't forget that stuff.

 

I don't think I would remember specific dates or times. I might remember that we had a lot of sex at night in the summer on weekends, if we usually had sex at one particular spot I almost definitely would remember where.

 

Specific dates and times, what I wore or she wore, what song was number one, what the weather was like, what we talked about - for the most part, I remember very little of that from 12 years ago with my wife, or even when I was just starting out with my wife.

 

What they told each other, what they talked about - I think she would remember if she was thinking of leaving you, if she talked about it with other man, if she told him she loved him - that I think she probably would remember.

 

What is the important stuff you want to know?

 

The number one song, the weather you probably could just look up on the internet.

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I'm not surprised.mine couldn't remeber a recorded phone call she had made the previous day.lmao the memory loss must go along with the lies. It is hard to remember what you lie about.

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It is said that as you write a time line details come back. As you keep adding more gets remembered.

 

It is also said that when the affair has been recovered from, as in my cae, and the BS has chosen to move on, that going back years after the fact and dredging up damaging memories is stupid. I agree with that.

 

That is not the case in this situation - he just now found out. So a timeline might be helpful.

 

In my situation, and in a 20 year old situation where the BS just WANTS to remain a victim, a timeline is foolish.

 

But for this OP, it would probably be a good exercise and one that his wife should at least be willing to try.

 

I have to say, OP, I respect you. At least you are deciding now to exercise your right to leave an unfaithful wife instead of intermittently whining and wondering or keeping it alive for years.

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Heres my question....If I had an affair, I would remember the dates, the times, where, when, how, what I wore, what the number one song in the US was, the weather, what we talked about. Wouldn't you?? I don't care if it happened two days ago or 12 years ago. People just don't forget that stuff.

Im pissed right now because I have had enough. Its so unfortunate that a child is involved.

Wish me luck!

 

People can and do forget. I know I could not remember all the details even if I tried. In part that is because it is no longer important to me in that I have moved on and happily reconciled with my husband. It also comes to a point I have made more than once before on LS. People don't remember all those details about past bfs or gfs so why should an AP be anything different?

 

As for details with my husband, I can remember all sorts because he is where I am focussed.

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If you had the affair, how would she feel?

 

Past behavior is a good prediction of future behavior, unless someone makes an attempt to change. She was on to at least an emotional affair with OM2.

 

Three years with OM1? She did so much for him. What is she doing for you?

 

How about not cheat on you? That is too late, because she was starting again.

 

File for divorce. See if she can write you the timeline then.

 

What is she doing to make you feel like not a backup backup plan? What number are you in her life? She is selfish and she is number one. OM1 still lives in the area. Has she told OM1's family? Has she told OM2's family?

 

Exposure helps a cheater to come out of the affair fog. Start exposing and file. Tell her she killed this marriage. So when she ripped your heart out over and over again, did she ever think of you?

 

She already got you the Tshirt with the holes and blood from where she twisted the knife in your back over and over again.

 

I got the same Tshirt. Get out and divorce. If you are her number one in her life, maybe she could try to win you back after the divorce. But you should run and have NC with her.

 

There are people out there who will not cheat on you. Find one of them.

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AlwaysGrowing

I also believe that people generally forget (self protection) things that they have done to hurt themselves or others much quicker and efficiently because....well....it protects ones psyche. We all like to view ourselves as "good", and anything that does not agree with that, we push it away or rewrite the script so it fits.

 

Years later, I would imagine that her memory will be broad strokes at best.

 

Having said that, it seems she has enough recollection to retell this to yet another other man behind your back.

 

I would suggest you look into the 180, detach for your own sanity.

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Hey nabelp--I posted over on your other thread---but to answer your question briefly here

 

People do not forget major events, or heavily planned out events---especially just 9 years back, as her last encounter was---one does not forget, because they would have had to plan/decieve/manipulate/lie heavily to accomplish their goals----believe me she remembers, she remembers all of it

 

People do not forget having sex in a public bathroom, or a dirty seedy motel---those are things that will stick in the sub---conscious FOREVER

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lilmisscantbewrong

I think it depends on the individual. Mine is fairly fresh - four years ago - so yes there are certain things that are still clear, others have faded. My xmom had like an photographic memory - so I believes he remembers every detail and every date - in fact shortly afterward I remember one of the infamous pastors asking him what the first date was we were "together" and xmom said "you mean the first time we took our clothes off? It was 00/00/0000. ". I was shocked because even at that point I couldn't remember the date. It would have taken me looking at the calendar and really thinking through what I was doing that month.

 

For 12 years to go by, it would be hard for me to remember (and I am really hoping by that point it is an extremely distant memory). So it isn't surprising she doesn't remember everything and is having a hard time putting it back together again - I wouldn't have wanted to do that for certain.

 

This really sucks though. I know you must be having a hard time with this.

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Your memory as to precise facts may fade---but your sub--conscious will forever remember having sex in a public bathroom---that one ain't gonna ever disappear

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Your memory as to precise facts may fade---but your sub--conscious will forever remember having sex in a public bathroom---that one ain't gonna ever disappear

 

But subconscious memories are not easily available to recall. Hence why it is more than possible that a person cannot consciously remember the details.

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yellowmaverick

I think that you tend to remember memories about the people or events that mean or meant the most to you. If your W truly does not remember, my guess is that the person never really meant all that much to her.

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You don't need the details---you just need the knowledge that 12 yrs ago---you had sex in a bathroom with a lover----what more is needed---she ain't gonna forget that fact---conscious or sub--conscious

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Does she remember the day she married you, if that wasn't enough to stop her maybe nothing will. Was she starting another affair when you caught her? Could this have been happening all through your marriage? Have her prove to you it wasn't, perhaps a polygraph test might help her memory. If she can't remember it won't show up as a lie.

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