At a crossroads

[LostMother]

I have posted here before about a situation I am having withmy children. I am back need advice again

 

This is more about my husband and I. We have been divorced for 3 years. We stared to see each other in secret for the last 2 years. My husband current career requires him to travel a great deal. We are only able to see each other once or twice a month. My counselor has stated our current relationshipis similar to that of an affair and is not a health one. I do agree with her to a degree.

 

We my husband and I are planning to meet this week for the holiday.I am very excited with the chance of being able to spend time with him. The problem becomes after he leaves and I am a lone again. I have always told myself having him part time was better than not having him at all. I have come to the point were I no longer know if thats true. When he leaves pain is becoming unbearableto the point where I no longer know if I can continue this kind of the relationship with him.

 

I still him to be part of my romantically. I also don’t knowhow I would cope not having him at all. I don’t see a good ending in my current situation

[LostMother]

Also the reasonfor my divorce was because I choose to have an affair. For those who have not read my first thread

[Clay]

Sadly you are going to have to let him come to you at his pace if you want to have any kind of sincere loving relationship with him again. I am sorry that you had the affair but these are the negative effects of the choices people make. I would recommend when you do see him you find ways to fill his life full of love.

 

Loving kisses. Holding hands. Lots and lots of affection of course with out smothering but I am a guy so I don't have a clue what that limit would need to be. lol Sorry.

 

Write him love letters while he is gone. Show him you want him and only him. You are going to have to open your heart up more if you want a chance?

 

I did not read your post I will find it today.

 

Why did you have the affair? How long did it last? How did you husband find out?

 

Clay

[ChooseTruth]

Why are you guys keeping it a secret that you are seeing each other?

[LostMother]

Sadly you are going to have to let him come to you at his pace if you want to have any kind of sincere loving relationship with him again. I am sorry that you had the affair but these are the negative effects of the choices people make. I would recommend when you do see him you find ways to fill his life full of love.

 

Loving kisses. Holding hands. Lots and lots of affection of course with out smothering but I am a guy so I don't have a clue what that limit would need to be. lol Sorry.

 

Write him love letters while he is gone. Show him you want him and only him. You are going to have to open your heart up more if you want a chance?

 

I did not read your post I will find it today.

 

Why did you have the affair? How long did it last? How did you husband find out?

 

Clay

 

 

Everything taking part now is direct cause of my affair. I still have to take in to account the way I feel and feeling. This is where my dilemma comes in. I am strong enough to wait for him I thought I was. When we do see each other I try my hardest to make sure the little time we have is enjoyable and it always is.

 

My Ex-husband is very affectionatetowards me when he sees me. I am afraid coming on to strong. I usually fed off of how he’s feeling at the time.

 

The affair stared when I became too close to my professor. The affair last for little more than a month and we were intimate/physical with each other once. The other man’s wife found out about the affair a few months after it was already. My husband found out through my oldest son. The other man’s wife told my oldest about the affair.

[LostMother]

Why are you guys keeping it a secret that you are seeing each other?

 

I don’t really know. It’s not by my choosing. I have asked he has never given me a straight answer. I believe it has a lot to with his pride and the way people will perceive him. If they were to learn we were back together.

[ClemsonTigers]

During this holiday with your xh I would have you suggest your next meeting up should be alone in Las Vegas. Make it as romantic a trip as you can and then ask him to marry you. Switch the roles as a way of saying that it's your fault the marriage ended the first time so it's your responsibility to take the risk of asking to getting remarried.

 

Conveniently, there are tons of places to get married in Vegas.

 

At the very least, he'll know where you stand and you can get a good gauge as to whether this relationship is real and progressing or just a convenience and unhealthy.

[ChooseTruth]

I don’t really know. It’s not by my choosing. I have asked he has never given me a straight answer. I believe it has a lot to with his pride and the way people will perceive him. If they were to learn we were back together.

 

I guess I can understand this, trying to put myself in his shoes.

 

I've said a lot of things to a lot of people about how I couldn't take my ex back. She'd not only have to prove to me that she was worth going back to; she'd had to prove it to the whole world now. I'd feel like a fool if I took her back now without some amazing explanation. If you did something that he could tell people and make them say, "Wow she did that? It sounds like she has really changed and wants to be with you." then maybe he wouldn't feel so oppressed by other's lingering feelings of judgement against you. Reading your other thread it does sound like there is a challenge, you need to win him and your kids back somehow. If you are faithful to him even after divorce, that's a step. Of course proving it is a little harder but the truth is the truth and will eventually shine through I think.

 

Are you ever around your xOM?

[painfullyobvious]

I did what you are doing and it is slowly pulling the band aid off versus ripping it off and getting over it in a swift pull. In fact it is more like slowly pulling the band aid off, and finding you have additional cuts that require band aids.

 

You are not completely healing and actually reopening areas of your life that you have never dealt with completely. Its a tough road to recovery and I remember being worried sick about when we were apart if she had actually changed, I would hurt for a long length of time, see her again and repeat the process all over again as she left. It is a tough way to recover and Id say I really wasn't recovering. You need to make a choice on whether you want this type of relationship or not. Are you afraid of loneliness or does he make you happy?

[Fluttershy]

I am so sorry things are so hard for you right now. I truly am. I think it is time for you to get some self respect back. Right now you are allowing your ex-husband to disrespect you and punish you but really give nothing in return. This isn't reconciliation. This is you paying for quite long enough for your crime. I think you have paid enough. Even more so because your children's relationship is perhaps permanently over. You cannot grow or move on if you are stuck suffering from your mistakes. You cannot prove to your ex that you are worth it when you won't stand up for yourself. Distance I know makes it almost impossible to show you have changed or that you are that cheater anymore.

My advice is next time you see your ex you bare your soul to him. I don't mean tell him you deserve better or that you have paid enough. I mean tell him that you can no longer emotionally handle the meetups. That you love him and you have convinced yourself that some of him is better than none but it is time for you to get healthy. To heal from your past. Whatever you tell him be honest and stop being his booty call. It is destroying you and it doesn't sound like it is building any respect with him either.

There is a time when someone who is lying on the floor bleeding from their self inflicted wounds and the wounds of others kicking them, needs to get up and say "I want better that this situation"

You can tell him you want him, all of him, and to be a family together. You can make it clear this isn't about another man or your feelings or him waning. That this is about you needing something more solid in your life than holding your breath between visits and wondering if each one is the last.

When you cheated you gave your self respect away. But self respect isn't lost forever. It is sad that one month of your life destroyed everything. But you have years ahead of you that can be filled with friends and your daughter. Years to make the right decisions. Your life isn't over.

[aliveagain]

If I understand your story correctly, you had an affair with your professor, his wife busted you than told your son who than exposed you to your betrayed husband? My guess is if your divorced but still seeing each other in secret your husband is afraid of how your son and other family will take it. Was your son angry with you, what is your relationship with your son like now? How old was your son when he got told about your infidelity? The O/M's wife must really hate you, telling your son and having him break the news to your poor husband is just as low as you banging her husband for a month or two, maybe lower because your son is innocent.

 

You and your husband need to decide to get back together or split permanently, neither one of you has moved on. Have you discovered why you allowed the other man into your marriage? What's different now, why will it will work with your husband now but not then? Did you get professional help, did you get help for your son?

[LostMother]

I guess I can understand this, trying to put myself in his shoes.

 

I've said a lot of things to a lot of people about how I couldn't take my ex back. She'd not only have to prove to me that she was worth going back to; she'd had to prove it to the whole world now. I'd feel like a fool if I took her back now without some amazing explanation. If you did something that he could tell people and make them say, "Wow she did that? It sounds like she has really changed and wants to be with you." then maybe he wouldn't feel so oppressed by other's lingering feelings of judgement against you. Reading your other thread it does sound like there is a challenge, you need to win him and your kids back somehow. If you are faithful to him even after divorce, that's a step. Of course proving it is a little harder but the truth is the truth and will eventually shine through I think.

 

Are you ever around your xOM?

 

I do not know if my husband as ever talked about me in bad terms.If he as I never heard any of it. I don’t believe my Ex-H has said anything toanyone about the affair. I have tried to show my Ex-H I am worth of another chance. I have done everything I think I can do to show this, Yes, I am still trying to fix my relationship my two oldest sons as well trying to win my husband over. I have not been with any other man since the divorce nor do I have any desire to be with a man unless he is my Ex-H.

 

No I haven’t seen the other man in almost 4 years now. The last time I had any contact with him was after my affair turned physical. Since then I have zero contact with him.

[dichotomy]

 

No I haven’t seen the other man in almost 4 years now. The last time I had any contact with him was after my affair turned physical. Since then I have zero contact with him.

 

Is your ex husband exclusive with you as well? He is away alot. Have you asked him?

 

Also every time he does see you - you have sex ? Do you do anything else - or not have sex and just spend time and talk?

 

Honestly I am concerned you may be a no strings comfort/booty call for your ex and he prefers it this way due to what happened. Kind of a revenge thing - or "get the milk" for free now.

Edited November 26, 2013 by dichotomy

[LostMother]

I did what you are doing and it is slowly pulling the band aid off versus ripping it off and getting over it in a swift pull. In fact it is more like slowly pulling the band aid off, and finding you have additional cuts that require band aids.

 

You are not completely healing and actually reopening areas of your life that you have never dealt with completely. Its a tough road to recovery and I remember being worried sick about when we were apart if she had actually changed, I would hurt for a long length of time, see her again and repeat the process all over again as she left. It is a tough way to recover and Id say I really wasn't recovering. You need to make a choice on whether you want this type of relationship or not. Are you afraid of loneliness or does he make you happy?

 

My therapist used a similar analogy. I agree with her. The current relationship I share with my husband isn’t a health one and I know this.

 

I don’t know if it’s me afraid to be alone or not wanting to be without him. I don’t really fear be alone. Maybe it’s the same thing. Yes my husband does make me happy. The time we spend together all everything goes away. It’s only me and him, no problems, stress or anything else worry about. Those few days we spend together are what keep me motived to better myself. Those few days are all what I really have to look forward to now.

[LostMother]

If I understand your story correctly, you had an affair with your professor, his wife busted you than told your son who than exposed you to your betrayed husband? My guess is if your divorced but still seeing each other in secret your husband is afraid of how your son and other family will take it. Was your son angry with you, what is your relationship with your son like now? How old was your son when he got told about your infidelity? The O/M's wife must really hate you, telling your son and having him break the news to your poor husband is just as low as you banging her husband for a month or two, maybe lower because your son is innocent.

 

You and your husband need to decide to get back together or split permanently, neither one of you has moved on. Have you discovered why you allowed the other man into your marriage? What's different now, why will it will work with your husband now but not then? Did you get professional help, did you get help for your son?

 

Yes you have a correct understanding of situation. I don’t believe my husband is afraid how my sons would react its more how the public eye back home would view him. My husband still remains a very public figure not so much in the states. The relationship with my two sons has not changed. My oldest was 17 teen when he was told about my infidelity. The other man wife only told my sons because they were the only ones she could reach. I was tried my hardest to maintain my affair a secret the other man wife was determined not to let that happen.

 

The main reason my affair stared was weak boundaries. I became too friendly with Professor. The both of us were around the same age and at we were spending a lot of time after class. It was always related to schoo land my husband knew was spend time with. One day while I was in his office our relationship turned from a platonic one to a romantic one and we crossed lines we shouldn’t have. I knew what I did was wrong and end the affair that day. I never saw that professor again. I am in counseling at the moment. I have been doing it on andoff for the last 3 years. My sons have not received any help by their own choosing.

[LostMother]

Is your ex husband exclusive with you as well? He is away alot. Have you asked him?

 

Also every time he does see you - you have sex ? Do you do anything else - or not have sex and just spend time and talk?

 

Honestly I am concerned you may be a no strings comfort/booty call for your ex and he prefers it this way due to what happened. Kind of a revenge thing - or "get the milk" for free now.

 

As of now I believe we are exclusive. In the past I know he was seen someone else. The relationship end for reason unknown to me. He does travel a great deal, he is gone for most of the year. His new career has caused some resentment to build between my Ex-H and our daughter. They have fixed their relationship since then.

 

Every time we see each other it does lead to sex. It not only sex he still tries to romance me. He still tries to make the time together special. The trips we take are very romantic I also try to make the time we have together enjoyable for as well

 

I wouldn’t say I am his booty call or anything similar tothat. My husband has to have some emotional investment in our meetings.

[aliveagain]

Your husband must have some old world in him, if so he married for life. The divorce was simply about saving face, you shamed him and his family(mother, father, uncles) and if he is very public he did it to save his reputation. His dilemma is he has to compromise at least one of his beliefs in order to keep you in his life publicly. Would he consider living with you common-law? You are not happy with the currant arrangement but asking him to again compromise may be seen by him as another hit to his moral standards which he already changed because of your actions(again, old world thinking). If neither of you think your new relationship can work, end it, you need to have that discussion.

[tiredofitall2]

As of now I believe we are exclusive. In the past I know he was seen someone else. The relationship end for reason unknown to me. He does travel a great deal, he is gone for most of the year. His new career has caused some resentment to build between my Ex-H and our daughter. They have fixed their relationship since then.

 

Every time we see each other it does lead to sex. It not only sex he still tries to romance me. He still tries to make the time together special. The trips we take are very romantic I also try to make the time we have together enjoyable for as well

 

I wouldn’t say I am his booty call or anything similar tothat. My husband has to have some emotional investment in our meetings.

 

Your situation is quite unique due to the number of circumstances you have previously mentioned.

 

How would each of you feel about one or both moving on and having a new partner or remarrying?

 

The status quo is not very reassuring.

 

If both would have a problem with parting ways then it is time to fix your marriage and end the shenanigans. Otherwise don't be exposed to getting hurt when one of you does find a long term partner.

[ConflictWithin]

I have posted here before about a situation I am having withmy children. I am back need advice again

 

This is more about my husband and I. We have been divorced for 3 years. We stared to see each other in secret for the last 2 years. My husband current career requires him to travel a great deal. We are only able to see each other once or twice a month. My counselor has stated our current relationshipis similar to that of an affair and is not a health one. I do agree with her to a degree.

 

We my husband and I are planning to meet this week for the holiday.I am very excited with the chance of being able to spend time with him. The problem becomes after he leaves and I am a lone again. I have always told myself having him part time was better than not having him at all. I have come to the point were I no longer know if thats true. When he leaves pain is becoming unbearableto the point where I no longer know if I can continue this kind of the relationship with him.

 

I still him to be part of my romantically. I also don’t knowhow I would cope not having him at all. I don’t see a good ending in my current situation

 

I take it your husband in in the futbol business, coach perhaps, thousands of people following him, etc. He is Argentinian, likely a Porteno?

 

Ask any South American what they think of Argentinians: Difficult people, full of pride, emotional to the point of machismo even for a Latin American. Your husband would lose terrible "face" if he took you back, especially if he's involved in the male-dominant futbol profession. I think he for sure wishes he could get back with you, but outside pressures probably make this difficult. I live in a heavily Latin-populated place, and I see it here all the time. For men, it's all about image, virility, pride, machismo. Having their woman cheat on them makes them look like a fool, weak. They are deathly afraid of losing respect from their fellow men, business partners, etc.

 

Since he travels alot, he probably knows that attempting to start another relationship would likely end in disappointment as well. I have a feeling if he had it his way, he would want to get back together, so the best compromise for him would be to keep the current arrangement. He gets to travel, does not have to invest in you heavily, and gets to see you twice a month.

 

Where do we go from here, then? 3 years is a long time for him to "save face," and if he still is undecided about reconciliation, I don't know what to tell you. I have a feeling he likes this arrangement. If I were in his shoes, I would, too. If you are still young enough, do you think you can find someone else if the twice/month arrangement is unacceptable to you? From a long-term status standpoint, I have to agree that it is not healthy for you. I understand it's not a bootycall thing, but it looks like he's getting fulfillment out of this, and you're not. You would like to re-legitimize your relationship with your ex-H.

 

As to your sons:

 

Sons are particularly deeply connected to their mothers, and unfortunately your affair destroyed their once unflappable and pure image of you as their mother. They are reacting to this tragedy through anger and total disengagement from you to protect themselves from further mental strain. It's likely you massively shocked and embarrassed the hell out of your sons with your action, something that they least expected from you. Sprinkle in the fact that they play futbol in Latin America - again, pride and saving face - and you can imagine their not wanting to lose credibility in the face of their fans. Honestly, if you were my mother, I would react the same. Daughters are FAR more forgiving. I just wouldn't know how to approach you, how to open up the hurt and engage you, because the image of you had been to this point, the woman who gave birth and raised me, the one who tucked me into bed and made everything better. And now, this. I would have disturbing thoughts, and to shut it down I would need to shut you down from my life. Self-preservation so that I can go on with my daily life.

 

And I agree with you. I don't know if there's a light at the end of the tunnel here. If you were my wife, the fact that you're truly remorseful, that the physical affair happened only once and that you broke it off the same day, that you're not longing after your affair partner trying to contact him, and generally could care less about him - everything would indicate by all means a good chance at reconciliation, and I would most likely give you that second chance, albeit it would take me a LONG time and I would still be very resentful of you for a LONG time. Did you explain to your husband how little the affair meant to you as I just described above? (Or maybe the affair did mean something to you, in which case...). I don't know if you spinned this angle with your ex-H. Maybe he thinks you have some deep and long connection with your professor, and that is holding back reconciliation?

[LostMother]

Your husband must have some old world in him, if so he married for life. The divorce was simply about saving face, you shamed him and his family(mother, father, uncles) and if he is very public he did it to save his reputation. His dilemma is he has to compromise at least one of his beliefs in order to keep you in his life publicly. Would he consider living with you common-law? You are not happy with the currant arrangement but asking him to again compromise may be seen by him as another hit to his moral standards which he already changed because of your actions(again, old world thinking). If neither of you think your new relationship can work, end it, you need to have that discussion.

 

 

My husband and I lived in a common law marriage for the first few years of our marriage. I personally I don't see a difference between common law marriage or a legal marriage. I am not happy with the current arrangement and I do want more.

[LostMother]

I wanted to say thank you before I left, you all have given me a lot to think about. I will try to speak to my husband about current relationship and see if we have a future that involves more than what we have now. I am very excited to be able to see my husband. The last time we were together was in August.It been two very long months since the last time we saw each other. So I am very excited. Thank you again.