Hopelesly devoted

[Sooby]

I recently found out that my partner cheated on me using one of those websites set up for married people to have affairs with other married people.

The whole thing has been completely traumatising and shaken the very foundations of my life with him.

 

I am slowly coming to realise how complicated this situation is and that fr now at least I cannot walk away from him.

 

I guess what I want to hear is that I can learn to trust him again and stop being frightened that he is going to do it again or worse has not actually stopped and his remorse is not real.

 

I would love to hear from someone who has made it back???

[tiredofitall2]

Read: Dr Harley's "Surviving an Affair." and "His Needs, Her Needs"

 

The good thing, if there is any good about this????? Is that a site like that most likely will be more of a one night stand thing and there is no emotional involvement. That being said, you should be able to save your marriage.

 

BUT, remember, the one who failed was him, not you! Although there might be underlying things that affected your R to the point he made his poor decision. There is no excuse for devastating your life the way he did.

 

I believe in second chances, but that's it. If he messes up again or is not willing to work on your M by going to MC reading some books about the situation etc. Then you must make a decision on what is best for you and your family.

 

 

Never allow a cheating spouse to eat cake, there are no get out of jail free cards after this one. He is on probation

[beach]

What reasons do you tell yourself of why you can't leave him now?

 

Just forgiving him isn't enough for him to never do it again. He needs to repair the damage he's caused to you/ the relationship.

 

I'll be honest - you can't trust him - unless he earns that trust back - by becoming willing to do anything you request of him.

 

He needs to learn about why he is so broken that he would hurt and harm you.

 

Are you married or just with him?

[tiredofitall2]

What reasons do you tell yourself of why you can't leave him now?

 

Just forgiving him isn't enough for him to never do it again. He needs to repair the damage he's caused to you/ the relationship.

 

I'll be honest - you can't trust him - unless he earns that trust back - by becoming willing to do anything you request of him.

 

He needs to learn about why he is so broken that he would hurt and harm you.

 

Are you married or just with him?

 

He definitely has a lot of work ahead of him.

[beach]

He definitely has a lot of work ahead of him.

 

Doesn't seem he was considering her feelings in it at all... Hopefully they aren't married yet.

[Sooby]

Thank you both for your wise words. I have had a lot of support from his family and my friends but no one who has actually been through this experience so your advice is well appreciated.

 

We are not married but have been together for 12 years and have 3 children.

 

He seems very sorry and we are going to counselling, but as I said I just don't trust him and I think that that is one of the things I an grieving, that blind faith that he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me in this way.

 

My feeling about not leaving him is that I honestly cannot imagine my life going forward without him. For better or worse I still love him and a small, very small, part of me feels sad that he felt low enough to do what he did.

 

Anyway I imagine it is journey and I may feel differently down the track.

 

Thanks again

[tiredofitall2]

The point I always try to get across is that when a person is betrayed they have to make a decision if the WW is remorseful. But that decision is not only about te BS (Betrayed Spouse) It is about the family. You have 3 children. You must take that into consideration. So that if he works on the R to assure you this will never happen again then the best option is to restore the M.

 

Trust can only be restored with time and his action. Complete openness and transparency. No locked computers, password protected phones or email. He must open all to your scrutiny. Of course eventually you will have to believe in him a back off so that you don't suffocate him, but for now he will have to put up with it. He screwed up!

 

In situations where there are no children and the marriage is not mature or if it is a fiance status, I'm not so lenient. In fact I would probably recommend to get out of the R. why, well there is not much investment yet, but your situation is completely different.

[ClemsonTigers]

Another rarely considered aspect in these website anonymous hookups is that the women these men meet up with are very often either mentally ill or otherwise handicapped. These handicaps are usually very apparent yet these men proceed. This, IMO, is a kind of sexual exploitation to an extent that it may make one concerned also about trusting these men around young girls/daughters. I'm not saying it's indicative of a pedophile, but it does bring their trustworthiness into question when they will follow through with having sex with obviously impaired weak exploitable woman in such a "careless, no name, wham bam, non-attached" manner. Maybe explore whether he knew these women weren't well but proceeded anyway.

 

Have you had a full STD screening? I've read estimates that over 75% of the women at ashleymadison.com are bi-polar many of whom are engaging in multiple anonymous sexual liaisons per day.

[beach]

How could you be expected to trust him? You can't.

 

He could spend the next 20 years earning your trust back.

 

He needs to be willing to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you need him to do to earn the trust again.

 

If he's not - then he's probably just still cheating - or at the minimum, considering it.

[ian1966]

Hi Sooby

sorry you're here..

I (Male, WS) used that damn site and hooked up with a married lady.

I regret it more than anything else in my life.

 

Without going into all the reasons behind that fateful decision, I can say that my intention was to meet a married lady as it "evens the playing field" in a sick sort of way, where she would have as much to lose as me, so discretion was paramount from both sides.

Anyway, I got caught (I wasn't married either but with my long term girlfriend for over 20 years, with 2 adult kids...) .. and it was totally devastating for my GF (and me...)

 

Happy ending though, we are about 6 mths past DDay and now engaged to be married in a few months now...

 

IMHO the key is TOTAL transparency to rebuild trust. No secrets whatsoever. A timeline of the affair. All questions answered. NO trickle truth. Remorse, remorse and more remorse.

 

Yes I know reconciliation is supposed to take 2-5 years. I have done EVERYTHING my GF has asked, including TOTAL NO CONTACT with AP.

If AP ever contacts me, I WILL tell my GF immediately, and she will contact my AP's husband (they have each others contact details).

 

I wish you well. Give him a chance, he may have just got lost in the "affair fog" and is not seeing reality. I'm not trying to minimize what he has done, but I suggest at least seeing if he will abide by all the new rules to perfection.

 

Sorry again for your situation, I have felt my GF's pain and hurt and spent many hours crying together in her arms since then.

 

Ian

[Sooby]

Thanks for your honesty Ian and I am genuinely encouraged by the fact that you and your GF are working towards a happy life together. I have often wondered if I am being judged as weak by those around me for not just turfing his butt out the door and it is validating to hear that partners like your GF and others on this forum act in the same way I am.

What I am trying to do is not make that decision when I feel like this. I think I need a more level head.

Anyway thanks again

[ian1966]

Sorry not meaning to threadjack this, but seriously Clemson Tigers...

 

Another rarely considered aspect in these website anonymous hookups is that the women these men meet up with are very often either mentally ill or otherwise handicapped. These handicaps are usually very apparent yet these men proceed. This, IMO, is a kind of sexual exploitation to an extent that it may make one concerned also about trusting these men around young girls/daughters. I'm not saying it's indicative of a pedophile, but it does bring their trustworthiness into question when they will follow through with having sex with obviously impaired weak exploitable woman in such a "careless, no name, wham bam, non-attached" manner. Maybe explore whether he knew these women weren't well but proceeded anyway.

 

Have you had a full STD screening? I've read estimates that over 75% of the women at ashleymadison.com are bi-polar many of whom are engaging in multiple anonymous sexual liaisons per day.

 

Unless you consider a cheater "mentally ill" (I am and I'm not!) I really have trouble believing a word of that. Care to provide a reference to where you read it?

[crederer]

I've been in your shoes, OP. I can say, in my experience, I never did trust her again. I ended up leaving her about a year later cause I just couldn't take how it was driving me mental all the time. And I resented her for that (driving me border line mental) more than the deed itself.

[wanting more]

Another rarely considered aspect in these website anonymous hookups is that the women these men meet up with are very often either mentally ill or otherwise handicapped. These handicaps are usually very apparent yet these men proceed. This, IMO, is a kind of sexual exploitation to an extent that it may make one concerned also about trusting these men around young girls/daughters. I'm not saying it's indicative of a pedophile, but it does bring their trustworthiness into question when they will follow through with having sex with obviously impaired weak exploitable woman in such a "careless, no name, wham bam, non-attached" manner. Maybe explore whether he knew these women weren't well but proceeded anyway.

 

Have you had a full STD screening? I've read estimates that over 75% of the women at ashleymadison.com are bi-polar many of whom are engaging in multiple anonymous sexual liaisons per day.

 

Huh??? The women are mentally ill or handicapped??? Really. That sounds so stupid to say. Sorry for the t/j.

[Sooby]

I know that the woman my partner cheated on me with was none of these things nor would I want her to be. Most likely they are. Strong women of sound mind and an IQ in the normal range who are doing exactly what they want to do which is to have sex with strangers. They may have a very low EQ however which I would say is the common denominator for all of those who use ashley Maddison. It is certainly true for my partner