wayard husband having a change of heart?

[firststeps]

Help!

 

My wayward husband is coming over to talk, l think he wants to get back together.

He left me for another woman after us being married for 14 years, this is going on to 3 months. We have been in contact but only about finances and house stuff.

We are at beginning of putting a separation agreement together.

l need to make sure that he is completely done with the OW, that is a non negotiable and going to couples counseling and take things slow.

 

Im scared to death! l dont want to be hurt anymore then l already am. lf he changed his mind to be with me, then why now. when he picked up and left he was so cold, he said he was not in love with me anymore, all the lies and completely left me devastated.

 

l love him and l dont want to give up on us, but how do we pick up the pieces.

[2fargone]

What makes you so certain of the reason he wants to talk ?

[firststeps]

l have a strong feeling because he was trying to reach me all week and just the tone of his voice .

[2fargone]

If I were you I would not have any expectations, good or bad. Try and start off neutral so that he has to make an effort if he really wants to.

 

 

The way I see it, you already have your own little scenario written of how him coming back has to be. And that means you are setting yourself up to possibly be hurt, or fail.

 

 

You're still hurt, you're afraid to get hurt again or be hurt more. If that is in the front of your mind it won't go unnoticed. Neither will you wanting him back.

 

 

Try and be neutral, let him speak the most, don't 'give' him answers to questions he didn't actually ask. And if it goes towards him coming back think about the fact that you love him instead of the hurt. If needed, say it to yourself the whole time you two are talking (without speaking ofcourse), because it can be real tough to respond in a loving way when you feel hurt.

 

 

If he wants to come back, ask for a week at least to think about it, but don't give him your demands. After that week you can demand the counseling if you feel you must. The removal of the OW goes without saying.

[tiredofitall2]

Just let things flow naturally. Marriage counseling is crucial and if this truly is the case he will also have a lot to proof. There will have to be complete transparency and openness. There has to be real regret and remorse without justification or excuses of why he did what he did. Of course he can tell you how he felt and why he made some of the poor choices, but if he is really out of the fog he should be able to see his mistakes clearly.

 

Identify what deficiencies were present in your marriage and address them. Address what needs were not being met in both of you and take care of those.

 

Good luck!

[Artie Lang]

sounds like he's had his fill of OW and now wants to come crawling back to you.

 

don't make it easy for him. by accepting him back- no strings attached -you are showing him that it's ok what he did to you. tell him he needs to look for a place to live(not with OW) while you feel safe around him. then, and only then, are you willing to hear him out and consider reconciliation.

[janedoe67]

I think you are getting good advice. Also, don't let him try to push you to give him any kind of answers today. Tell him you need to think and that there are some things you need from him in order to feel safe. Then decide what he MUST do in order to help you recover and make his own changes. NC is the first thing. Creating stronger boundaries is another. I wouldn't recommend the forums, but I DO like Surviving an Affair. It had a huge impact on me as a WW.

 

IF he is serious, he will do whatever it takes. If he whines, you know he isn't ready to change.

[SoleMate]

Like Artie said...if he wants to come back, he has to woo you back and win you over. I'd take things back to Square One and respond to him like a first-time suitor. He doesn't get any leg up based on history. In fact, you're doing him a huge favor not to DUMP him because of history. My 2c. Good luck for your best outcome and please keep in mind the best outcome may or may not be with him.

[painfullyobvious]

This may sound ridiculous but I would meet with your husband and see what he has to say. If he indeed would like to get back together tell him you will discuss that at a later time and schedule that time for thinking. When you get together at the scheduled meeting go there with all your expectations written down. The above posters have good ideas but I would go there with the following expectations;

 

• No contact with OW and if any contact is found out reconciliation is done and there will not even be a discussion about a third chance.
  
• All financial records will be open for you to view at your discretion
  
• All phones, computers passwords, e-mails, etc. will be given to you to check up on him as you feel necessary
  
• You will live separately for a few months minimum
  
• You will attend counseling together
  
• It is his responsibility to prove his ability to want to reconcile and prove he is actively working towards repairing relationship
  
• Any further lies risk nullifying reconciliation agreement
  

Get him to sign and date that he agrees to this reconciliation agreement. Add more that I may have omitted. If he cries, whines and complains that he feels like a prisoner, an animal being monitored, or a child remind him why the two of you are where you are in the first place. None of these options are negotiable. Remind him that you would gladly switch places with him if possible. Stress actively working and not pushing to get you to allow him back home. When/if he returns home this agreement continues. Be sure you keep yourself busy, work on yourself and I am sorry you are in this situation. Hugs...

[painfullyobvious]

Three to six months of real life with the treasured affair partner is about right for that affair fog to lift to answer your why now question. Those of us that have been there done that could have predicted this. Still does not make the pain feel any better. Start watching for affair withdrawal soon as well

[rumbleseat]

If reconciling is in the cards for the two of you, give some very serious thought to what you want that to look like.

 

Be warned that reconciling is not for the faint of heart. Some are able to do it on their own, but a counsellor can really help. A big part of reconciling is laying all the cards on the table, and being willing to accept that he made a lot of mistakes. It may also mean finding out some thugs that will be very hurtful to you, but hiding them in the dark serves no purpose. Better to get them out and into the light, as if you two adress them, you can begin to deal with them. A counsellor can act as a neutral third party, which can be really helpful. It may take trying out several before you the find the one that is right for you.

 

One thing you'll have to keep in mind is that at some point you're going to have to let go of the hurt and pain and learn to trust him again. That may take a long time, and if you think that could happen, be upfront and honest about it. If you feel like you're going to spend the rest of your life with a resentment in your heart towards him because of his poor choices, then best to tell him. That way, he can decide if he. An live with that or not.

 

You'll also need to help him sort out why he made the choices he did. Some of his reasons may be hard to hear. Are you ready for that?

[Spark1111]

ok, so he's coming over to talk.....SO WHAT?

 

You may still love him, rightfully so, but he betrayed you in the worst way possible, moved,in with his AP, and told you he no longer loved you.

 

What now?

 

Think long and hard on what true love looks like, what he will need to do to prove it to you, and what assurances can he give that you WILL NEVER feel this pain and abandonment ever again.

 

He has to earn your trust back the hard way, otherwise your doubts about him will never go away. YOU will live in limbo, on shifting sands forever, and that is NO WAY to live.

 

he's been with his paramour for three months now and, shocker, I know, it ain't all he thought it would be.

 

he needs to,take ACTIONS to PROVE his change of heart to you.

 

Be cautious here....take your time to decide...and protect yourself first and foremost.

[firststeps]

Thanks so much everyone for your advice and input.

 

Here's the update: He came over yesterday to reconcile. He said it was completely over with OW, and he is 100% committed to make it work with me. He said that he is ashamed for what he has done. He said that he wants to meet me each day this week to talk and that he realizes that the choice to take him back is up to me.

 

l told him that l loved him but l was scared to get hurt again. l asked if he agreed to counseling and he said he was.

 

The thing that troubled me from seeing him and talking to him is that he "mourning" the affair partner.

 

l know from the grape vine that they fought alot and she is very controlling but he obviously still stayed with her.

 

lm concerned that a) he is still emotionally connected b) it may not be really over, maybe it was but wont be again.

 

Actions speak louder then words and if he is dragging his feet or not showing me that he is committed to working on us or on himself without the OW then this chance was his last.

 

l think that his mind is not made up, he said all the right things but he looked so stresses, lost and l have this nagging feeling that something doesnt add up.

Edited November 26, 2013 by firststeps

[tiredofitall2]

Thanks so much everyone for your advice and input.

 

Here's the update: He came over yesterday to reconcile. He said it was completely over with OW, and he is 100% committed to make it work with me. He said that he is ashamed for what he has done. He said that he wants to meet me each day this week to talk and that he realizes that the choice to take him back is up to me.

 

l told him that l loved him but l was scared to get hurt again. l asked if he agreed to counseling and he said he was.

 

The thing that troubled me from seeing him and talking to him is that he "mourning" the affair partner.

 

l know from the grape vine that they fought alot and she is very controlling but he obviously still stayed with her.

 

lm concerned that a) he is still emotionally connected b) it may not be really over, maybe it was but wont be again.

 

Actions speak louder then words and if he is dragging his feet or not showing me that he is committed to working on us or on himself without the OW then this chance was his last.

 

l think that his mind is not made up, he said all the right things but he looked so stresses, lost and l have this nagging feeling that something doesnt add up.

 

 

FS, this sounds normal to me. He obviously loves you and realized the grass was not greener on the other side. Yet he still will have feelings for a person he had a R with. The fog takes some time to wear off and the chemicals are still working in his brain. It takes time. The one thing you cannot allow is for him to have his cake and eat it too. Therefore, no physical contact until he is committed to you and your marriage.

 

That being said, he must write a NC letter for the OW and he must abide by it. At the first sign he is not, you should go dark on him. He wil have to work hard for you. Easy comes easy goes. If you are a challenge for him he will value you. Don't be so readily available or he will not respect you and in this case he might be gone forever.

 

State some ground rules and be strong and strict. See how he abides by these rules and take it from there. Remember, no cake eating!

[whichwayisup]

Help!

 

My wayward husband is coming over to talk, l think he wants to get back together.

He left me for another woman after us being married for 14 years, this is going on to 3 months. We have been in contact but only about finances and house stuff.

We are at beginning of putting a separation agreement together.

l need to make sure that he is completely done with the OW, that is a non negotiable and going to couples counseling and take things slow.

 

Im scared to death! l dont want to be hurt anymore then l already am. lf he changed his mind to be with me, then why now. when he picked up and left he was so cold, he said he was not in love with me anymore, all the lies and completely left me devastated.

 

l love him and l dont want to give up on us, but how do we pick up the pieces.

 

Don't let him move back in. Date him. Pick 2 nights a week to go for dinner. Do marriage counseling together as well. He has to understand that he can't just up and leave, then 'try out' a relationship' with someone else then expect you to take him back with open arms when that R didn't work out. No way. He has to earn your respect, your trust and most of all, he has to be really willing and ready, to make himself a better man, a better husband and work his ass off, to be worthy of a chance with you. He is a broken man and needs to be fixed. He has hurt you, lied to you, betrayed you, left you behind, all for what? Thrill of someone else, then that thrill died off, reality hit and he realized what he lost.

 

Do this slowly and watch his actions.

Make sure the A is 100% over, no contact is in place, he has to be an open book to you at all times (meaning if she ever contacts him he has to let you know, or if he slips and reaches out to her, has to come clean to you). He gets ONE chance at this, he messes up, he's gone for good.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks so much everyone for your advice and input.

 

Here's the update: He came over yesterday to reconcile. He said it was completely over with OW, and he is 100% committed to make it work with me. He said that he is ashamed for what he has done. He said that he wants to meet me each day this week to talk and that he realizes that the choice to take him back is up to me.

 

l told him that l loved him but l was scared to get hurt again. l asked if he agreed to counseling and he said he was.

 

The thing that troubled me from seeing him and talking to him is that he "mourning" the affair partner.

 

l know from the grape vine that they fought alot and she is very controlling but he obviously still stayed with her.

 

lm concerned that a) he is still emotionally connected b) it may not be really over, maybe it was but wont be again.

 

Actions speak louder then words and if he is dragging his feet or not showing me that he is committed to working on us or on himself without the OW then this chance was his last.

 

l think that his mind is not made up, he said all the right things but he looked so stresses, lost and l have this nagging feeling that something doesnt add up.

 

How long ago did their A end?

Yes, he will grieve that loss and it's for your own good that he doesn't move in with you right away. He should live alone and BE on his own for a bit. HE can't fully commit to you if he still dealing with the loss of their affair, it's not a normal relationship either, there's an unhealthy dynamic and addictive tone to it, so it may not really be about her, but how she made him feel about himself.

 

If his mind is not completely made up, you need to protect yourself and please, no intimacy with him for a while. That will just mess you up and complicate things.

[firststeps]

Hi Whichwayisup,

 

The affair just ended this week and your right lm sure it was exactly about how it made him feel about himself. (toxic but addictive).

 

Thank you to each and everyone of your replies. l will take baby steps because l have to protect my heart and focus on self improvement.

 

l talked to him today on the phone and hes a complete mess. Totally depressed and out of it. Ugh.

[whichwayisup]

No way is he in any shape to commit fully to you right now. He's bounced out of a marriage and right into the arms of another woman, that ended (hopefully it is over and not just a 'break' so he can go back to you and then try to continue the A, be wise, be aware) and then bounce back to you.

 

First off, he needs to seek counseling on his own to grieve the loss and get rid of the affair fog he was in, rid of the addictiveness of the A itself. And I guess grieve the OW too. You don't need to be exposed to that or be his shoulder.

 

You have a good head on your shoulders. Stay strong.

 

Show him compassion, he is hurting (even though he created this mess, there's no point in shoving his nose in it) but once the fog lifts, he gets some help, hopefully he'll think more clearly and will be able to focus on reconnecting with you and prove himself worthy of staying married to you.

[firststeps]

Hope and now despair

 

l talked to him today and he said it was over for good. After an hour on the phone with the run around he admitted that him and the OW are going to try and make it work.

 

As l asked questions and confronted him on giving me false hope, l got the "don't listen to a thing l say ever, cause lam messed up"

 

He kept saying he was sorry but there was no feelings left for me. He said that he cannot promise me that he would stay faithful if he stayed. l poured my heart out and he kept trying to end the call, l made him stay on the phone. 20 years together and married for 14 and he breaks it off on the phone.

 

The worst part is that l held on to hope, l was in denial!! lt was the only way l was able to cope.

 

How could he break my heart again, l feel so stupid for buying his BS.

 

Feelings from day 1 all coming back!!

[tiredofitall2]

Hope and now despair

 

l talked to him today and he said it was over for good. After an hour on the phone with the run around he admitted that him and the OW are going to try and make it work.

 

As l asked questions and confronted him on giving me false hope, l got the "don't listen to a thing l say ever, cause lam messed up"

 

He kept saying he was sorry but there was no feelings left for me. He said that he cannot promise me that he would stay faithful if he stayed. l poured my heart out and he kept trying to end the call, l made him stay on the phone. 20 years together and married for 14 and he breaks it off on the phone.

 

The worst part is that l held on to hope, l was in denial!! lt was the only way l was able to cope.

 

How could he break my heart again, l feel so stupid for buying his BS.

 

Feelings from day 1 all coming back!!

 

 

FS, I'm so sorry you are going through this. He is acting like many waywards do. It's time for you to file for D and take action. Either good or bad, there is a good chance he will do it again. Except this time he will have to really beg and plead before you even begin to consider taking him back. Because he saw you were available and willing to take him back he had his change of heart. I'm so sorry. But sometimes it is the risk we take when testing the intentions of the WW. It's the proverbial carrot and stick game. If you to readily hand the carrot they stray again.

 

It was a very strategic point and perhaps he felt to secure he could always get you back.

 

Take this opportunity to get even stronger. Know he is like a typical addict and he will have probably several episodes like this one, but you just don't have to put up with this at all.

 

He will be sorry once his fog wares off and he realizes the OW is not all that he hoped for!

[dichotomy]

Lots of good advice here.

 

Just one thought...if he is emotionally unstable right now, divorce proceeding in one area, OW of his dreams break up.... he maybe looking for some safe harbor, some female who wants him, so he is not alone. I worry if you are that safe warm place - once he feels stable he will leave again. Also OW may then (for many reasons) be after him again.

 

Other than proceeding with divorce - what others have said - force him to a neutral place (not living with you), open and transparent, ground rules/agreements, MC for both of you, IC for him, STD testing, then some dating - and see if after 6 months he is still interested in being together. Make him work on himself and you...... And if you can afford it - I would have a PI watch him for 2-3 weeks during those 6 months he is in a neutral space.

 

I think also will be hard for you to be in a neutral space...as you have a "need" for him as well. Too easy and unhealthy for you to just let him back in this state of fog. Be prepared for the other outcome - that after 6 months of him being without either woman, he may decide he is over both of you. Don't get your hope up just because OW did not work out (they rarely do).

Edited November 27, 2013 by dichotomy

[oldshirt]

Hope and now despair

 

l talked to him today and he said it was over for good. After an hour on the phone with the run around he admitted that him and the OW are going to try and make it work.

 

As l asked questions and confronted him on giving me false hope, l got the "don't listen to a thing l say ever, cause lam messed up"

 

He kept saying he was sorry but there was no feelings left for me. He said that he cannot promise me that he would stay faithful if he stayed. l poured my heart out and he kept trying to end the call, l made him stay on the phone. 20 years together and married for 14 and he breaks it off on the phone.

 

The worst part is that l held on to hope, l was in denial!! lt was the only way l was able to cope.

 

How could he break my heart again, l feel so stupid for buying his BS.

 

Feelings from day 1 all coming back!!

 

I am sorry this is happening to you and I know this had to be a huge blow but he did you a big favor. He revealed who he really is and let you see the reality of the situation.

 

If you had taken him back all you would've been doing would have been applying salve to his bruised ego and been a port in his storm. You would've been his fall-back person. His back-up plan. His bed warmer until he either is back in her arms or until he found someone else and pulled the rug out from under you again.

 

I am going to go all Jedi and Star Wars on you here but really search your feelings and look into your future if you had taken him back. What would your future really have looked like together?

 

Yes, there would have been an initial rush of elation that you had "won" and that he came crawling back to you. You would've stuck your chest out a little and gloated that you beat out the OW.

 

But it would've been very short lived. You would've woke up one day and realized that he didn't come crawling back to you because he realized his love for you and that he had made a mistake. You would've realized he came back because she dumped him or made his life even more miserable and you were the back up plan.

 

Then see how you would've felt about him after the initial elation wore off. Would you have any respect, admiration, esteem or reverence for him?? After the hysterical bonding and monkey sex had worn off would you have had any real attraction or desire for him?? Or would you be looking at him with disdain, distrust and repugnance after a month or so?

 

I know this hurt but he has given you a gift. He has given you the gift of insight in that now you can see the reality for what it really is.

 

Now you can declare this relationship dead. You can sign it's death certificate. You can mourn it, bury it and then move on with the rest of your beginning TODAY. Not tomorrow, not next month, not next year. But TODAY.

 

I'm not insensitive and I'm not implying there wont be pain. But I'm saying there won't be drug out ongoing and unending pain. Now you can treat your wounds and let them start healing rather than tearing them open again and again and again.

[Artie Lang]

i'm really sorry OP, but he's a lost cause. he's a man-child who doesn't know what he wants..... he really needs to grow the f*ck up.

 

i feel that you so desperately want him back, you were willing to put yourself out there only to get hurt again.

 

 

i have one more piece of advice- DON'T SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST..... EVER!

[jnj express]

Its time you filed for D----stop allowing yourself to put up with his nonsense---he either loves you or he loves her

 

He told you his choice---now its on you---to protect yourself, and start to heal yourself, and to move on with your life.