road Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 Any BH's have a WW refuse to tell who the OM was? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 Road Haven't you already started two threads with the exact same question already this week? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 My take is if a spouse does this they are saying to the betrayed husband that the protection of the OM is more important than her betrayed husband. If the husband accepts then he is a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 Road Haven't you already started two threads with the exact same question already this week? I asked this question earlier and my post got removed - I wondered if he was going to ask the opposite - how about the man refusing to tell who the AP was. Link to post Share on other sites
Sofie2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 Any BH's have a WW refuse to tell who the OM was? Well never denied information involving the OM. My husband held all the power from the beginning so there was no point in lying to him. Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 Any BH's have a WW refuse to tell who the OM was? You are clearly obsessing about this issue, aren't you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author road Posted November 25, 2013 Author Share Posted November 25, 2013 Road Haven't you already started two threads with the exact same question already this week? Similar. I mostly got responses from women. And for being half of the population some of them are not that bad. I want like to get some more BH responses. Wish me luck. Link to post Share on other sites
jan2012 Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Any BH's have a WW refuse to tell who the OM was? I was a BW and my WH refused to tell me who the OW was, of course I figured it out from the phone bill, and I knew who she was, saw her almost everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author road Posted November 25, 2013 Author Share Posted November 25, 2013 I was a BW and my WH refused to tell me who the OW was, of course I figured it out from the phone bill, and I knew who she was, saw her almost everyday. Did you let your WH know that you found out who the OW was? After D day, the OW never tried to avoid you? Have you been able to go NC with the OW? Does her BH know she had an affair with your WH? Link to post Share on other sites
Author road Posted November 25, 2013 Author Share Posted November 25, 2013 You are clearly obsessing about this issue, aren't you? More of not getting many responses. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Road, when are you going to tell YOUR story.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 I am fow. My guy never revealed who I was to his ex. She knows my first name and that is about all. However I have met his adult children and others from his circle. Every time they had any sortbof confrontation during the D she would grill him about me. He would refuse to answer any questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Madman81 Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 You are clearly obsessing about this issue, aren't you? Can't say I blame him. It's a pretty huge thing for the BH to have to simply "deal with". When my XW confessed ten years ago, initially she refused to tell me who the OMs were. The stated reason was "it's not about them, it's about you and me". However, I thought at the time (and it's even clearer to me now) that this is garbage -- the BH (or BW, if the genders are reversed) has a RIGHT to know who their partner has been screwing around with. Firstly, NOT knowing robs the BS of the ability to deal with a critical part of their anger and emotionally direct that part where it belongs (on the OP). Secondly, the WS is by definition a remarkably poor judge of what the BS needs to know in order to heal from the betrayal, whether that leads to remaining together or splitting up. Thirdly, the BS has a right to decide what people get to be in his/her life and to what extent; by keeping the OP's identity a secret, the WS is retaining control over that. In my case, XW's refusal didn't last very long (she dropped the bomb regarding all the infidelity all at once, these weren't individual episodes separated by attempts at reconciliation). She admitted to one of them because she learned that I was likely to find out his identity through other means. For the next one, I was asking questions about that bout of infidelity and something about the way she described it made the identity of that OM leap into my head. I asked her "was it X" and I think the question surprised her, because she answered in the affirmative. (This was subsequently independently confirmed.) As for the third, I told her that I now knew who two of the three were, so there was no point in her not telling me, so she did. In short, DON'T permit the identity of the OM(s) to be kept from you. Especially, if she's pushing for reconciliation and forgiveness, make disclosure of the names a precondition. You deserve that at the very least. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 I am fow. My guy never revealed who I was to his ex. She knows my first name and that is about all. However I have met his adult children and others from his circle. Every time they had any sortbof confrontation during the D she would grill him about me. He would refuse to answer any questions. So you are in the unusual, for this thread, position of being able to answer the OPs question. So tell us, why was your name withheld? Why would the BS still recon when the name was withheld? Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 I know you are looking from responses from men......but I am going to chime in. I found all the information before I confronted him so there was no denying his AP. That being said....if I didn't know and he refused to inform me....I would be gone. She is continuing to protect the AP and not your marriage. If this is knowledge that you need in order to move on...then she should provide it without hesitation. Continuing to hide it...shows that she is not truly remorseful nor willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Any BH's have a WW refuse to tell who the OM was? For me, I didn't ask about who the OM was initially. As the details of her affair unfolded I asked her who he was. She told me, but I could sense that it was very uncomfortable for her. After a moment of tense silence she asked WW: "Are you going to look him up now?" Me: "Yes" WW: "Why" Me: "Because he fcked my wife" WW: "What are you going to do?" Me: "That's my business now" If she refused to give me the name of her OM, then that would have been a deal-breaker for me. Green light for divorce proceedings! I would interpret that as her protecting the OM, and manipulating me. It would tilt the scales of power heavily toward her side. There is no good reason for a cheating spouse to withhold who the AP is to the BS. If that is the case, then I would be very suspicious of the motive behind the WS protecting the AP's identity. Link to post Share on other sites
Confusion_Reigns Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 When I was the bs. I knew right away who she was as my husband told me. But more to hurt me than to help me. It wasn't pretty. There was a time when I though he was protecting her but when it's all said and done I'm glad I have no charges against me for battery. So, really, in a very sick way him 'protecting' her helped me. Now, meh, she's nothing to me...I actually have prayed for her because that's the way I was raised...those who treat us the worst are the one's who need our prayers the most. It helped me to get to a place where I can see that *SHE* really was never the problem. It was always him. SHE had no power to hurt me or my kids...HE was the one who hurt me. all she did was believe him and take a chance on what she thought was love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 If they won't tell - they aren't offering the M honesty. The am isn't their priority - continuing the lies is the priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 My xW did not say who her friend was the last time she cheated on me. It did not matter to me whether I had proof or not. I was done. I threw her out and filed for divorce. If yours is not going to tell you that you have to decide if that is a deal breaker for you. For me if she would not have and I wanted to recover the relationship I would have thrown her out on the spot. I would make it clear we were done. Its a honest answer to your relationship. She is protecting him because she loves him more than you. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 I know from my own experience that not knowing is a deal breaker. Not just the name, but ALL the details. The questions will eat at you and doom your relationship. If she wants to reconcile you have to know EVERYTHING. No trickle truth. No blameshifting. She has to make a timeline and fill in all the ugly details. Only then can you get over it - or not. If she won't tell, that would be an absolute deal breaker. Period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 So you are in the unusual, for this thread, position of being able to answer the OPs question. So tell us, why was your name withheld? Why would the BS still recon when the name was withheld? Well, his plan was never to reconcile. He wanted to protect me as much as possible form the fallout in the community. We still have never met and I don't think we will for a very long time. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Any BH's have a WW refuse to tell who the OM was? No - i was told. Link to post Share on other sites
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