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How Long Until I stop Shaking?


Stillscared

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It's only been 8 weeks from D-Day, but as I read the posts I'm disturbed by BS still in pain and anger after 1.5-2 years or more.

 

I want to be over this, and can't imagine why I would even want to stay in a relationship where so much pain and anger would last for so long.

 

(My husband and I have been married 19 years. His affair lasted a year, and was disclosed to me by a third party about 8 weeks ago, fyi.)

 

How long will this pain last? How long until I can trust him again? How long until I will actually look back and feel grateful for what I've learned, come through? Thinking this recovery will take YEARS overwhelms me. I'd like to hear from BS how long (really) it took for them to start to feel better, start to be able to sleep at night, start to trust again, start to feel like they could think and want to re-engage in life again. I'm not there yet, but I would like to hope that there's light at the end of this tunnel, sooner than later.

 

Please share your recovery timelines, Betrayed Spouses...

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It depends a lot more on how your WS is helping you cope.

 

Unless they're fully committed to repair and reconciliation, you'll continue to feel like crap and not make any progress. Where are they at in all of this?

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(((stillscared))) it is so early for you. I am 21 months out from Dday and I am just now starting to feel like I am turning a corner. This by far has been the WORST experience of my life. The trauma I experienced from the gaslighting, multiple Ddays and broken NC's and False R landed me in the hospital on more than one occasion.

 

It really does depend on the work the WS puts into R. Both of you need to put effort in, but the WS does the heavy lifting since they are the one's who nuked the M. A great book for the WS is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair."

 

What really helped me was IC and my medication. I also found a great group of girlfriend's outside of my H's circle and started focusing on ME.

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It's only been 8 weeks from D-Day, but as I read the posts I'm disturbed by BS still in pain and anger after 1.5-2 years or more.

 

I want to be over this, and can't imagine why I would even want to stay in a relationship where so much pain and anger would last for so long.

 

(My husband and I have been married 19 years. His affair lasted a year, and was disclosed to me by a third party about 8 weeks ago, fyi.)

 

How long will this pain last? How long until I can trust him again? How long until I will actually look back and feel grateful for what I've learned, come through? Thinking this recovery will take YEARS overwhelms me. I'd like to hear from BS how long (really) it took for them to start to feel better, start to be able to sleep at night, start to trust again, start to feel like they could think and want to re-engage in life again. I'm not there yet, but I would like to hope that there's light at the end of this tunnel, sooner than later.

 

Please share your recovery timelines, Betrayed Spouses...

 

 

Your pain is fresh, with it only being 8 weeks since you were told about your husband's affair.

 

At first you feel shock and then shock coupled with the realization this is not a nightmare but real. I urge you to get individual counselling to help you cope and express yourself.

 

Sadly you can't go around the pain but only through it. Your emotions will fluctuate and you'll be riding an emotional roller coaster for some time.

 

Is your husband being open and honest with you, is he proactive and supportive of you? Do feel your husband is remorseful or is he expecting cheap forgiveness and wanting to sweep the affair under a rug?

 

Your healing depends on actions not words and it will take time for you to digest all that has happened and how to move forward with or without him.

 

Hang in there, be good to yourself and take care of yourself.

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I've heard it takes 2-5 years to get over something like this. many times it's just a total dealbreaker for some.

 

are you willing to put in the effort..... that's the real question?

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It really does depend on the work the WS puts into R. Both of you need to put effort in, but the WS does the heavy lifting since they are the one's who nuked the M. A great book for the WS is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair."

 

He's read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and is now reading "After the Affair". Otherwise, he's doing mostly right (a little defensiveness now and then when I ask the same question like 8 times). He's come clean, gone NC, we're each in IC (can't seem to find a MC that understands affairs ... they usually end up saying something stupid like "what was missing in your marriage"? or "you just need to choose to trust!", and I walk out feeling blamed for the affair)

 

Meanwhile, I'm still having trouble sleeping, concentrating at work, and am having angry or crying jags (or both) every day. I can't imagine going through months or years of this.

 

Someone please give me some hope!

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I was never married but in a 5 year common law relationship when I found out my ex was messing around with several men.

 

I tried to work it out for probably just shy of a year. She didn't do much to help me heal by blaming me at times, and for getting angry with me when I needed reassurance by saying "YOU NEED TO TRUST ME" which is obviously quite difficult when you know she was slaggin' around every chance she got.

 

After a while and her completely giving up on actually trying anything on her end other than demanding I trust her, I left. I couldn't live in that craziness and jealousy any more. It's exhausting and I was very resentful that not only did she cheat, but the fact that she was the sole reason for causing me to feel the pain and exhaustion. She was the source of it and I hated her for that.

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lilmisscantbewrong

You are still in shock. It's going to take time. It is probably one of the hardest journeys you will ever embark on and you will need strength and resolve.

 

It is true - I do not know anyone that has been in this type of trauma that has recovered in less than a year - things might start to turn a corner or get better. Also I have seen where some people have more struggle the second year - it's like that is when they feel safe enough to really express anger.

 

2-5 year - truly - believe it. There is no other way around it, under it, over it - you must walk through it.

 

Hang in there.

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Our dday was June 2012. My recovery has been in stages. For a few months after dday it was OK - we were getting close again, h was being very loving and gentle, about 6m in I was feeling dreadful (I suffer from depression that gets worst around Jan/Feb time) and H was beginning to feel 'how long is this going to take??' so not quite as supportive, we went to MC then and that helped a lot, he began to really understand that it would take a loooong time, a few more months of not being sure what I felt, still getting mad, still having phases of sobbing uncontrollably. And about 13 months later something seemed to click. I am now 'stable' for want of a better word, able to see the world more clearly. I am still not sure that H and I will make it but I know where we stand, I can see us as a couple without fog, without fear and with lies, warts and all. I am stronger. I know that we CAN make it if we both want it enough. H does want it. I am not sure but that is my prerogative. I dont know if a slightly shop-worn marriage with the glitter rubbed off is good enough, no matter how reliable and strong it might be.

 

Best advice I can give you is be patient, don't expect things to get better overnight and don't make any decisions now. There is always time.

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Everyone is different. Depends on how much work and remorse your WS has, also depends on you and how you hurt and why.

 

It’s easier to say what WS needs to do - and maybe they can do it, or some of it..... but sometimes if you got specific issues/weaknesses/brokenness you may have your own work to do. How we respond to loss sometimes reveals these things in ourselves.

 

For example I think some may deal with self-esteem issues from a spouse cheating (comparison to AP or if they are good enough for WS) - but it my case I had a TON of "pre-existing" self-esteem and other issues that made my dealing with it so much worse - kaboom!. I needed to work on them - while my spouse was attempting to reassure me of my worth. And I did heal this in myself.

 

I can tell you my situation was difficult because 1) My spouse at first was not remorseful 2) I had the self-esteem issues. I would say we did not cross the line in to real reconciliation process until 4 years post Dday, and only in the last two years has more happened. But we are an unsual case.

 

Our MC says she has a couple married over 30 years that still bring up an affair that happened 20 years ago. But they stayed married and have no plans to divorce - it just comes up every now and then when they are under stress - like an old injury that you forgot about till something hits it.

Edited by dichotomy
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whatatangledweb

It has been almost three years from d-day. I started slowly..very slowly trusting at six months. The pain the first year was bad for me. I just couldn't get past the "HOW could you do this to me" . It wasn't bad everyday of that year just very bad days. The first four months was very bad . As time went by I learned to trust more but verify. Everytime they tell you something and you can verify it puts trust back. The second year I would trigger and have a hard time. That happened maybe once a month. Now it is rare.

 

What helps is how your WH treats you after DDay. How remorseful they are and how much they help you heal. It is also work on your side. You have to process what happened. Everyone takes a different amount of time. When you look at forums remember that many people who have healed don't post. Others post to help people like they were helped while they were hurting . You will see more people in pain on forums than healed ones.

 

I will never be grateful in any way for his affair.

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I hate to say this to you, but I don't think the pain is ever going to fully go away if you stay married to this guy. There will always be things that will trigger thoughts about his affair in your mind, these triggers can sometimes be the worst thing since you can be in a good mood and then bam..suddenly you are reminded again.

 

Another thing is that this affair lasted a year. This wasn't just a slip up, he knowingly lied to your face for a year. Even worse, he didn't tell you himself..you found out through someone else. This shows me he probably never intended to tell you.

 

There is no way this man loves you. Just think about the past year, think about all the times he said I love you to you. Now factor in how he was cheating all the way saying things like that to you. I assume you celebrated at least one anniversary this past year, was it special? Did you go somewhere? Now think about tainted memory, knowing he was making a fool of you the entire time. How can you look someone in the all during all that and act like everything is ok? The answer is: you can't, not if you truly love someone.

 

You really need to leave this guy, I don't care how sorry he says he is. He's just sorry he got caught. If there was more to it then that then he would of confessed to you himself what he had done.

Edited by Spectre
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I left and it still took the 2-5 years. I must say that I felt so much better once I got away, at least for awhile. You cannot hide from it no matter what you do.

 

That having been said I would have healed way quicker if I had left way faster. Going through a false reconciliation or two makes it much harder. Sounds lie you could be headed there. Be careful.

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Good morning Stillscared,

I must say that I disagree with Spectra. I think your H may indeed love you.

 

I am 2 years this month past D day. It has been the worst 2 years of my life. And since D day my H has been totally honest, there has been NC, there was no new lies or deceit, or falls. He had worked tirelessly to rebuild our relationship and to help me recover. He is still going to IC and we did MC. He is an open book and we communicate about everything freely.

 

He has such deep regret for his choices. His A lasted over a year as we'll and I only found out because I took his phone and dug through it. I felt certain he was having an A even though he denied it. He had no intention of ever telling me.

 

He was in an awful place. Since D day our relationship has changed 100%. We are so much better than ever before. I believe I had a very slow and difficult recovery. I'm still not totally there. I still bring up the A at times and I often still feel great pain. The A broke me and shattered my self esteem. But I know my H loves me. I even think he loved me during the A. He just lost sight of what was important. Fell into it and it developed and progressed without thinking it through. D day was life changing for him. He certainly didn't treat me the way you should when you love someone. That is absolutely true. But he thought I would always be there. He could treat me like crap but I would be there. It was selfish. It was cruel. He took me for granted. He didn't treat me how he should. He was so messed up. He behaved like a different person during his A.

 

It is awful beyond words to have the person you love treat you so terribly. But it happens all the time. People hurt the people they love. People behave very badly. People forgive and get through it when both people want it and are willing to work at it. I hope you get through it. My husband nearly destroyed his whole world. But we are going to survive it. I have survived it and every month is easier than the last. I can't even remember the last time I cried. And for a very long time I cried every day. It really does get easier and life gradually comes back.

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I'm sorry for the bad news :( but we spent 6 months trying to recover, failed. Now it's just over 2 years past Dday and I still think about it a lot even though we are divorced. I sitll get surges of anger or sadness sometimes. Divorce only finalized about a month ago. I'm much better than I was of course. Those first 5 months after Dday were absolute hell. I missed entire weeks of work from being a complete emotional wreck.

 

But yeah it does depend on both of you. How remorseful is he? What is he doing? No contact with the affair partner(AP), transparency? Going to counseling? Apologized sincerely? Figured out what it was within himself that made him do this?

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It's only been 8 weeks from D-Day, but as I read the posts I'm disturbed by BS still in pain and anger after 1.5-2 years or more.

 

I want to be over this, and can't imagine why I would even want to stay in a relationship where so much pain and anger would last for so long.

 

(My husband and I have been married 19 years. His affair lasted a year, and was disclosed to me by a third party about 8 weeks ago, fyi.)

 

How long will this pain last? How long until I can trust him again? How long until I will actually look back and feel grateful for what I've learned, come through? Thinking this recovery will take YEARS overwhelms me. I'd like to hear from BS how long (really) it took for them to start to feel better, start to be able to sleep at night, start to trust again, start to feel like they could think and want to re-engage in life again. I'm not there yet, but I would like to hope that there's light at the end of this tunnel, sooner than later.

 

Please share your recovery timelines, Betrayed Spouses...

 

So sorry this happened to you.

 

Recovery and the decision to R is different for everyone. As a BW, I went through this twice in two different marriages. The first one ended in D and the second time I decided to R although I swore cheating would be the deal breaker it did not end my M. H was extremely remorseful and the A was brief and the OW made it known to me.

 

Personally if it had been going on over a year and if I had heard it from a third party I wouldn't have stayed. But that is how I feel. The disclosure should have come from the sources or my own discovery.

 

You need to decide for yourself what the deal breakers are and if you are willing to R ask yourself how remorseful is he and is he really doing the work to show you how much your M means to him.

 

Affairs are tricky. Sometimes the length of time and circumstances can impact ones decision on how they can handle or accept.

 

We all know our WS will never be 100% honest about their A's. We have to question all intentions. Even after the fact when a WS wants to stay.

 

I hope it works out for you. Just remember to love yourself first!

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I hate to say this to you, but I don't think the pain is ever going to fully go away if you stay married to this guy. There will always be things that will trigger thoughts about his affair in your mind, these triggers can sometimes be the worst thing since you can be in a good mood and then bam..suddenly you are reminded again.

 

Another thing is that this affair lasted a year. This wasn't just a slip up, he knowingly lied to your face for a year. Even worse, he didn't tell you himself..you found out through someone else. This shows me he probably never intended to tell you.

 

There is no way this man loves you. Just think about the past year, think about all the times he said I love you to you. Now factor in how he was cheating all the way saying things like that to you. I assume you celebrated at least one anniversary this past year, was it special? Did you go somewhere? Now think about tainted memory, knowing he was making a fool of you the entire time. How can you look someone in the all during all that and act like everything is ok? The answer is: you can't, not if you truly love someone.

 

You really need to leave this guy, I don't care how sorry he says he is. He's just sorry he got caught. If there was more to it then that then he would of confessed to you himself what he had done.

 

I agree a year is too long and the lies are unacceptable. The fact she got it from a third party tells you that had that never been disclosed it still would have gone on. He is just sorry he got caught. Again a deal breaker for me.

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Good morning Stillscared,

I must say that I disagree with Spectra. I think your H may indeed love you.

 

I am 2 years this month past D day. It has been the worst 2 years of my life. And since D day my H has been totally honest, there has been NC, there was no new lies or deceit, or falls. He had worked tirelessly to rebuild our relationship and to help me recover. He is still going to IC and we did MC. He is an open book and we communicate about everything freely.

 

He has such deep regret for his choices. His A lasted over a year as we'll and I only found out because I took his phone and dug through it. I felt certain he was having an A even though he denied it. He had no intention of ever telling me.

 

He was in an awful place. Since D day our relationship has changed 100%. We are so much better than ever before. I believe I had a very slow and difficult recovery. I'm still not totally there. I still bring up the A at times and I often still feel great pain. The A broke me and shattered my self esteem. But I know my H loves me. I even think he loved me during the A. He just lost sight of what was important. Fell into it and it developed and progressed without thinking it through. D day was life changing for him. He certainly didn't treat me the way you should when you love someone. That is absolutely true. But he thought I would always be there. He could treat me like crap but I would be there. It was selfish. It was cruel. He took me for granted. He didn't treat me how he should. He was so messed up. He behaved like a different person during his A.

 

It is awful beyond words to have the person you love treat you so terribly. But it happens all the time. People hurt the people they love. People behave very badly. People forgive and get through it when both people want it and are willing to work at it. I hope you get through it. My husband nearly destroyed his whole world. But we are going to survive it. I have survived it and every month is easier than the last. I can't even remember the last time I cried. And for a very long time I cried every day. It really does get easier and life gradually comes back.

 

I am sorry, but I do not care how awful a place you are in..if you are truly in love with your spouse you would not begin sleeping with another person, especially for a year. Actions speak louder then words, making a change *after* the cheating occurs isn't good enough. This man has zero respect or love for her, and he never intended to even tell her. If you cheat and you have even an inkling of love for your spouse then you will tell them yourself what you did.

 

This guy dropped the ball in so many ways, he can't love her..he seems like a very selfish man.

Edited by Spectre
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Spectre, I agree with a lot of what you say, there is a lot of common sense in it. Having said that, love and logic do NOT always go hand in hand. People go into relationships with all manner of issues and sometimes peoples choices dont always accurately reflect their feelings. It is possible to have an affair and love, be in love with your spouse. Its screwed up thinking but its true and it happens often. The why is because mostbtimes what causes an affair is not the BS, its a defect within the WS. If a BS is willing to give another chance and a WS truly desires to work through their own issues and stop being driven by selfishness, it can work out.

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Maybe love and logic don't always go hand and hand, but there are still just certain things you won't ever do if you are truly in love with your spouse. Frankly, I do not care what issues a person has, cheating is never the answer. If you can't overcome your own issues for the betterment of your spouse then that is a huge red flag. If you can't overcome these on your own then you need to go get help, talk to your spouse, see a shrink, get on meds, whatever.

 

The one option..the one solution that should never cross your mind is cheating.

 

Also this mans affair lasted a year. I'm sorry, but you can't claim the "love isn't logical" issue with that. This was not a one time slip up where he made a "mistake". This was a choice he continued to make, for a year. Like I said, people just do not treat someone they are in love with that way. If the cheating spouse had any desire to truly work out their issues they would of done so before cheating. Only deciding to change after you've been caught isn't good enough.

Edited by Spectre
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Too bad MEN don't have the same attitude. Sorry, but this is BS. Had you done this to your husband he would have divorced you. Women are too forgiving and more trusting than men. Women are expected to set aside their feelings and egos while men bolt.

 

If a guy cheats and you find out by going through his phone...he is not remorseful. If he was truly remorseful, you wouldn't have had to resort to that. You say your husband has changed...yeah right. He's still trying to prove himself to you. Once he thinks you've forgiven him completely, he will go back to his old ways. The difference is...he will be much smarter about hiding it next time.

 

"He was in an awful place..." No excuse. If he cheats everytime something bad happens or hes in a bad mood, there is no hope. Life throws things at you. I guarantee something else will be thrown his way in the future that will take him to a "bad place"

 

The thing is, people with a mentality like mine don't post on this site. They don't need to because they've made up their mind and don't need the Internet.

 

Your sexist remarks are way off base. If you would take the time you would see there are tons of men on this site trying to recon with WWs that are remorseful and even some that are only semi remorseful or even not remorseful. Wanting to save your relationship is not a male female issue at all. Spectre can confirm. He is a frequent poster on male threads where the male wants to recon and he is consistent there too in saying, don't do it.

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