wife cheated 12 years ago

[nabelp]

I am new to this site and I am 25 days past D-Day and this is my story:

 

I found out through her own admission while she was texting it up with another guy that my wife had an emotional affair with a guy she worked with from the fall of 99 to the spring of 00. He quit his job and it ended but then phone calls started. The calls didn't last long and they stopped also. Fast forward to July 01 and he resurfaces at my wifes work place and they hit if off again. In Sept of 01 she asks (she was the aggressor) him to meet her at a local park. They end up having sex in the park bathroom. A week later, it was in a cheap motel that rents rooms by the hour. Then it was in his car behind a restaurant and oral sex while he was driving another time. Things cooled down in November of 01 and all contact was stopped by January of 02. He resurfaces again in August of 02 and my wife meets him one more time in October of 02 for one last romp in his car in another local park.

It took me 23 days to get my wife to come clean. Her story kept changing daily. 23 of the worst days of my life. I know in my heart that she is now told me the whole story and has left nothing to my imagination. She always said a lot she "couldn't remember" or "didn't know" because it was so long ago. To me though, it happened 25 days ago. I had to pry and prod and pry some more to get her to remember details I needed to know. It always seem that when I got angry she would suddenly remember more of it. So I stayed angry for 6 days. If I was loving then she would think I was getting over it.

I haven't found anyone in my situation on the internet yet. This happened so long ago and even though its new to me, its ancient history to her. She got over it although I don't believe she ever regretted it. She had 12 years to feel remorseful and forgive herself. I haven't had that luxury. Right now, I am in the stage of sadness. Sadness that my wife was capable of doing something like this. The stories I know would blow your mind. Just the story of how I found out would blow your mind. Its so bizarre that sometimes I don't believe it.

Anyways, is there anyone that found out about an affair years after the fact? I know I want to stay married and she is doing everything possible to get me through this. I am getting tired of her telling me that she "loves me" every 5 minutes though. I feel like she now wants to smother me. Im dealing with this in my own way and I have told her all my thoughts and feelings. I write her a daily email of what my feelings are that day. In fact, I have written her tons of emails because my thoughts come out better in writing.

Im just not sure how to handle this. She thinks that because it was so long ago that I should just be ready to move on and continue like nothing happened.

Thanks for listening...there is so much more to this story but I didn't want to write a book. Any ideas on how to deal with finding out 12 years later? Or is time my enemy right now? I need lots of it but unfortunately there are only 24 hours in a day. The mind movies wont stop. Ive lost 14 pounds already and im getting about 2 or 3 hours sleep a night. My imagination takes over and I am suffering at work. I met this guy once during their affair. He was over my house once. There are just so many emotions going on that im wondering if I should just leave.

[Spotme]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. You should repost this in the infidelity forum, though, as that is where you will find the support you are looking for. I know there is at least one BH, and maybe another, who found out long after his wife's affair was over, as well as a few BW who found out after the fact.

[Spotme]

Also, your responses and feelings are all very normal. It is the same for you as if the affair had just occurred. You W will need to learn that she can't just expect you to be over it. There's a thread pinned at the top of the infidelity forum on what every wayward spouse should know. You should have her read it, since it sounds like she does want to reconcile.

[atreides]

this is a double posted thread

[UnHappyMess]

This sounds like a very very similar situation to a friend of mine and her mother and step-father... To you, this might has well have happened yesterday, and the lie for so long makes the feelings even stronger. I think that continuing to email (as you express yourself better in that medium) will be good, but eventually needs to change to face to face civil conversations about your feelings and hers. Good luck!

[ChooseTruth]

Probably should post on this thread instead:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/443925-wife-cheated-12-years-ago

 

It's the bigger of the two.

[jnj express]

For you it didn't happen 12 yrs ago---it happened whenever you found out, also she has been cheating on you by OMISSION---for the last 9 yrs---so her cheating has actually been for 12 yrs, straight---Omission--is her coming home night after night for 12 yrs, looking you in the eyes and telling you every thing is fine---omission, is allowing you to have sloppy 2nds, omission is her carrying another mans SEED into YOUR castle, and hiding what she has done, for 12 yrs, with that seed in her body.

 

You have to decide---what you want, in your future---for the misery is not gonna leave---and now you will not trust her, even tho she may not have physically cheated for the last 9 yrs

 

Did she say why she cheated---what were her reasons for giving herself to the other man, how she must have hated you, at that time.

 

She is gonna do everything/anything she can to keep you in this mge---she will now show the remorse, because she knows if you cut her loose---she is out there on her own, single, divorced, with the label of cheater---she sure doesn't want that hitting her at this stage of her life---so she will manipulate you--for all she is worth

 

You gotta wonder if she has ever loved you---she certainly didn't love you 12 yrs ago---as she decieved, and manipulated you, and gave herself to another-------as she brought the seed of another man, into YOUR HOUSE.

 

As to the future---its what you, and your sub conscious will be able to stand---it isn't gonna be easy---and it gets a lot tuffer, as you move into retirement, and you have nothing but day after day, to think about her giving herself to her lover---and then keeping her deep dark little secret for 9 more years----as said before---has she ever REALLY LOVED you---or are you just plan B, her bankroll/nice lifestyle----that she is fighting tooth and nail to not have to give up

 

You make your decision---based on what is best for YOU---she doesn't figure in---she took herself out of your life 12 years ago---when she had her dirty little A---in bathrooms/back of vehicles/in the park/in a seedy motel-----she sure must have hated you---to go to those lengths---to satisfy the POS, she was having sex with.

[BeholdtheMan]

Fast forward to July 01 and he resurfaces at my wifes work place and they hit if off again. In Sept of 01 she asks (she was the aggressor) him to meet her at a local park. They end up having sex in the park bathroom. A week later, it was in a cheap motel that rents rooms by the hour. Then it was in his car behind a restaurant and oral sex while he was driving another time. Things cooled down in November of 01 and all contact was stopped by January of 02. He resurfaces again in August of 02 and my wife meets him one more time in October of 02 for one last romp in his car in another local park.

 

Im just not sure how to handle this. She thinks that because it was so long ago that I should just be ready to move on and continue like nothing happened.

 

There are just so many emotions going on that im wondering if I should just leave.

So basically your wife has been pulling the wool over your eyes for over a decade

 

You confront her and her response is to tell you to "get over it because it happened a long time ago"

 

Please handle this like a proud man and not a spineless doormat. Leave her and if she comes crawling back, you might want to consider giving her a second chance

[jnj express]

Hey nabelp----has your wife ever stopped her BS, cheating behaviors---------You say above she got caught as she was texting some guy----so your wife cheated,12 yrs ago----she kept her A going by lying by omission for 12 yrs, and now she is texting other guy/guys-----actually you gotta wonder how many others she has had relations with---you never knew, so you really do not know what she is all about---DO YOU??????

 

MARRIED WOMEN DO NOT TEXT OTHER GUYS---when are you gonna come down on her with both feet, and either leave her, or demand---SHE STOP INTERACTIONS WITH OTHER MEN COMPLETELY

 

Where anywhere in the MARRIED SCRIPT, does it say a wife gets to have sex with, or talk with other guys---if your wife is telling this other guy about her sex with her lover 12 yrs ago---she must be on pretty friendly terms with this new "right now" guy---when do you intend to put a stop to all of this---or does your wife just have free reign to talk to other men---The married script---DOES NOT ALLOW MARRIED WOMEN, to have INTERACTIONS with OTHER MEN

 

Why does your wife not "get that"---It is time for you to stop being nice---she has "dissed" you for a long time, she has brought another mans seed into your home, she talks to other men----when and where does it stop

 

If you decide to stay---1st thing is she signs a POST NUP, next she opens herself up to any and all investigating you wanna/need to do, of her electronics----she agrees to NC of any kind with any men whatsoever, she needs to show HEAVY ACCOUNTABILITY, she needs to show HEAVY REMORSE---she needs to do ALL the HEAVY LIFTING, to get back into this mge. You probably should take all the marital finances and put them in an acct. with only your name on it----just to protect yourself at this point.

 

As to relations with her---it would not hurt for awhile to kick her out of the marital bedroom, and have her sleep elsewhere in the house---and even stop intimacy with her for awhile---TO LET HER KNOW HOW SHE HAS DESTROYED YOU, and you will not allow her to just go back to the cushy lifestyle she has been living prior to all of this, and to let her know that she has hurt you beyond belief.

 

If you are not heavy handed, she will KNOW---she can get away with this, as you slid it under the rug this time, by not coming down on her. She needs to suffer accountability, for awhile---when you ease off is up to you---that is unless you decide you can't stand her anymore and want a D---for you have to know, the girl/woman you married all those years ago---is not the same person as stands before you today----she died 12 yrs ago when your wife, then, had sex in public bathrooms, in the park, in dirty motels, in the back of cars------this woman is not the woman you loved and took holy vows with

 

What you do from hereon is up to you--but if you stay---SHE MUST GO NC WITH ALL MEN---good luck to you whatever you decide to do---and stand tall for yourself

[jnj express]

I am gonna continue to post over here on this thread---tho you should combine all of these threads into one

 

You stated on one of your other threads, your so called wife is a good mother---that is way off the mark

 

Your wife is a horrible mother-----any wife who would cheat on her H---and in your case---she cheated just to have fun---is the worse example of a mother there is

 

She showed, tho never caught, till now---total disrespect for her H---and your so called wife---knowing the consequences of cheating---chose to cheat anyway---and put your mge at risk---

 

Your daughter was not yet born, but your son was around 9 or 10---tho out of the house, he now gets presented with a situation that will affect him

 

As to now---your wife KNOWING SHE HAS A 7 YR OLD DAUGHTER---is again---sexting and hooking up with other men----she is a horrible mother---in most situations, the mge would have blown apart already---and daughter would be in the middle of a nuclear winter

 

I am not sure how you are actually handling this, as you reply very sparingly---but your daughter knows things are not right---and that is the fault of a HORRIBLE/SELFISH/IMMATURE/NON THINKING woman who happens to be your so called wife---she is not, and has not for a long time---BEEN A GOOD MOTHER