Indecision Hurts

[Confused48]

Right now (Dday + 1 1/2 years) I don't know what to do. I'm torn between thinking, "Of course I should find a way to separate from fWS as amicably as possible, as soon as possible!" To then also thinking, "It would be better to give this some time and see how I feel later as well as to see if fWS makes changes that makes our relationship safer for me."

 

As soon as I feel I've decided on one of these options I then start thinking that its a mistake. I feel like I'm never going to be comfortable with a decision. Then add to that the normal ups and downs of living with someone and it just makes that roller coaster ride all that much more fun - not.

 

It would be so much easier if someone, a person that I trust to know what the right thing is, would just tell me what to do. But of course, even if I trusted the person completely, whatever they ended up telling me to do would just be cause for me to think about that, as advice. I would still have to decide if I wanted to take it or not.

[katielee]

confused - I so understand where you're coming from...

 

even if our spouses make the marriage safe for us, it could still be a dealbreaker. How on earth do we decide this? How much time to we give ourselves? Do we make a pros and cons list?

 

people who I trust are urging me to make a decision because the limbo is killing me. Yet... I feel I'll know what to do when it is time, whenever that may be.

 

hugs to you!

[leonine]

I'm sorry that both of you are still struggling with this decision. Confused - what sort of changes could your WS make to make you feel safer? Do they know about your ambivalence?

[painfullyobvious]

Even if Dr. Phil was standing over your shoulder with all the best advice each person is different. Some people need more time to meander through all the baggage that comes with reconciliation or separation. Other people are able to immediately call infidelity a deal breaker and cut ties immediately.

 

It is not a decision that you will comfortable with either way. You need to ask yourself if you are afraid of leaving because of loneliness fears or fear of what comes after a decision towards separation due to feelings about yourself. People with battered egos and self-esteem are less likely to move on and tolerate more trauma from a relationship partner. It has been a year and half and you appear very stuck and afraid; not uncommon. If you are still unsure after a year seek counseling and begin to work on yourself (find new ways to socialize, go to gym, yoga, be physical, find a hobby).

 

If there is something positive about the relationship that you can look for as a reason to hang on such as spouse remorse, children, and issue that can worked through with communication, something that you think can be worked through or regain then perhaps reconciliation is possible. How is your spouse responding since D-day?

 

I don't think you should stay with someone because of fear regarding your own feelings about yourself. If your spouse does not seem to be fighting for you, no remorse or lackadaisical effort towards reconciliation then separation maybe more of a choice. Why would you stay in a relationship where the respect is lost? Most importantly work on yourself. This is how I got through my experience with infidelity.

 

Good luck and sorry you are going through this. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

[NotCamelot]

I'm right there with you....as far as the feelings go. 18 months and a few days past D-day as well.

 

And even though she has done and is doing all she should, I still have those same thoughts. All I can say is it is getting better. The pain and hurt have faded, a LOT......but what surfaces now is anger, a LOT.

 

I think that if you've made it this far, and if the WS has done/is doing things right, you should give it time. I think it is completely normal to wonder for a long time.

 

I will never forget the words of my W on D-day. "How does it feel to have the one person you thought would never hurt you rip your heart out?"

 

It takes a long time to recover. 1 1/2 years is obviously not enough.

[Ap22]

 

I will never forget the words of my W on D-day. "How does it feel to have the one person you thought would never hurt you rip your heart out?"

 

 

I would be in prison right now if my wife told me that. Emotionally, I'm as hard as a rock, but you sir are stronger than I. That comment hurt me. Damn thats about the coldest most evil thing i've ever read.

[Confused48]

I'm sorry that both of you are still struggling with this decision. Confused - what sort of changes could your WS make to make you feel safer? Do they know about your ambivalence?

 

WS has been working on some things. I'd say what is most threatening to me is WS continued feeling of entitlement and some what lessened but still more than a little need for external validation. WS knows how I feel as we are in MC and I'm honest in that setting and at home.

[harrybrown]

I'm right there with you....as far as the feelings go. 18 months and a few days past D-day as well.

 

And even though she has done and is doing all she should, I still have those same thoughts. All I can say is it is getting better. The pain and hurt have faded, a LOT......but what surfaces now is anger, a LOT.

 

I think that if you've made it this far, and if the WS has done/is doing things right, you should give it time. I think it is completely normal to wonder for a long time.

 

I will never forget the words of my W on D-day. "How does it feel to have the one person you thought would never hurt you rip your heart out?"

 

It takes a long time to recover. 1 1/2 years is obviously not enough.

 

 

Has she ever told you how sorry she was to say that?

[Confused48]

 

I will never forget the words of my W on D-day. "How does it feel to have the one person you thought would never hurt you rip your heart out?"

 

Wow. Was AP22 right? Did she enjoy seeing you in pain?

 

My WS blamed me. Said I deserved it. How long before your WS changed her mind about that? My WS went back and forth about it for 6 months or so.

[dichotomy]

I am sure if you spent some time thinking - ok I divorce now, and what might my life be like - what things well I obtain or have or be able to do that in this new post divorce life. What would be the benefits vs the downsides to being divorced/single life? What do I see when I picture this alternate choice lifestyle/universe? Do you see happier and healthier and better ...or is it something else - maybe a mixed bag?

 

Conversely compare this to what you have or what you might have by staying and working at it some more in the marriage. Does some improvement look probable? Or perhaps conversely maybe you see reasons to stay "for now"

 

Its something many of us think of after dDay has come and gone.

 

Just understand this - becasue of WS affair - it is up to you. Your choice, you have the control what to do from here on and what you need from WS or yourself. You WS spouse transferred/gave you this power to decide either way - and you are in your rights to do so.

Edited November 21, 2013 by dichotomy

[Confused48]

 

It is not a decision that you will comfortable with either way. You need to ask yourself if you are afraid of leaving because of loneliness fears or fear of what comes after a decision towards separation due to feelings about yourself. People with battered egos and self-esteem are less likely to move on and tolerate more trauma from a relationship partner.

 

Right post Dday, I'm sure that is why I stayed. Now, with IC I don't think that is what is motivating me. I feel I'd be ok on my own now.

 

 

If there is something positive about the relationship that you can look for as a reason to hang on such as spouse remorse, children, and issue that can worked through with communication, something that you think can be worked through or regain then perhaps reconciliation is possible. How is your spouse responding since D-day?

 

There are lots of positives about the M. My WS is also now fully remorseful and not blaming me at all. But like Katielee said, even if WS was now the embodiment of perfection in every way, what WS did hurt so bad I might still end up moving on.

 

Most importantly work on yourself. This is how I got through my experience with infidelity.

 

Agree with this 100%. Lots to work on too, for me I mean.

[leonine]

I would be in prison right now if my wife told me that. Emotionally, I'm as hard as a rock, but you sir are stronger than I. That comment hurt me. Damn thats about the coldest most evil thing i've ever read.

 

Well, to be fair, if I recall correctly, Not Camelot had an affair previous to his wife's affair, so that comment may have been born from her experience as a BS. Still a pretty hurtful thing to say on d-day to someone you supposedly want to reconcile with.

 

I'm sorry I don't really have any advice for you Confused, but you have my sympathy. BS's are put in an impossible situation. We keep hearing around here the 2-5 year timeframe. Maybe set a series of goals in addition to Dichotomy's pro/con evaluation? If x hasn't happened by y, it's taking too long and is unlikely to occur.

[Confused48]

I am sure if you spent some time thinking - ok I divorce now, and what might my life be like - what things well I obtain or have or be able to do that in this new post divorce life. What would be the benefits vs the downsides to being divorced/single life? What do I see when I picture this alternate choice lifestyle/universe? Do you see happier and healthier and better ...or is it something else - maybe a mixed bag?

 

You raise a very good point. I think a lot of people that end it immediately on Dday were unhappy about the M before Dday. They end it and get on with a better life.

 

I wasn't unhappy before the A started. I was pretty content. During the A I was suffering somewhat and on Dday and since I've been miserable.

 

The faulty logic that your post brings to light is that its not going to get better just by taking WS out of my life. If I'm thinking to leave to escape the pain, that is not going to happen. As long as WS is trying to make this work, having WS with me is probably going to mean less pain. Not that pain is the only factor in the decision.

[katielee]

If I'm thinking to leave to escape the pain, that is not going to happen. As long as WS is trying to make this work, having WS with me is probably going to mean less pain. Not that pain is the only factor in the decision.

 

and thus the crux of this decision... it's this sh&t sandwich or the other one. There is pain whatever way you turn. I keep wanting to do the thing that is honorable to myself, thinking that will ease some pain. I just don't know what that is...

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This is a sad place to be - this constant flux. I cannot nor would not tell you what to do, but I would say not enough time has passed. If it is getting better and you are content, keep trying.

 

We are 4 years past my dday and 2 years past his. We have the double whammy to deal with. I know I hurt my husband deeply and then his affair was another trauma to deal with on top of the entire public debacle with mine. It has been a lot to climb out of.

 

We have more good days than bad. Most recently (due to a conversation I had with someone who was able to give me some much needed answers), I have felt more in control - like there really is light at the end of the tunnel and I am starting to get a clearer picture of who xMOM really is - that has helped immensely.

 

Also, I have begun to feel sad when I leave my husband for work in the morning and I find myself looking forward to seeing him at night - progress? I hope so.

 

But then something will happen (like this morning) where there was a bit of confusion and frustration over a car and I was running late for work and he was trying to drop me off to pick up a car at his parents and I hopped out and he yelled at me and said "you're effing things up". Of course I snapped back and said "Oh I eff things up?"

 

I was so upset and it led me down a road of "I always mess things up" "yes it's me - if it wasn't for me we wouldn't be in this situation", etc. - even though it wasn't about the affair(s) it had me thinking about it whereas pre-affair it would have just been an argument. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

 

Anyway - you walk away wondering if it's all worth it. But today after coming back from lunch, I know it is.

 

My advice would be to give it some more time....

[drifter777]

The depth of your pain comes through in your posts. Maybe you should try harder to picture where your marriage could be in the future. I think you are the kind of person who can never fully reconcile with a cheating spouse. You may be able to achieve that kind of "reconciliation" where you go on living together and are able to find reasons for staying so you can avoid divorce. You can compartmentalize the affair and stuff it way back in your mind and try to keep it there. Then hope you die before it comes tumbling out and demands that you finally deal with your feelings of betrayal, pain, anger, and shame. But maybe I'm wrong - you probably know the answer in your heart.

[Confused48]

The depth of your pain comes through in your posts. Maybe you should try harder to picture where your marriage could be in the future. I think you are the kind of person who can never fully reconcile with a cheating spouse. You may be able to achieve that kind of "reconciliation" where you go on living together and are able to find reasons for staying so you can avoid divorce. You can compartmentalize the affair and stuff it way back in your mind and try to keep it there. Then hope you die before it comes tumbling out and demands that you finally deal with your feelings of betrayal, pain, anger, and shame. But maybe I'm wrong - you probably know the answer in your heart.

 

I am a stuffer. But I am in IC. I have hope to "fix" broken things with that and MC. If not then the above may very well happen. Or worse. My biggest fear is neither of us gets enough stuff "fixed" and WS then does it again.

[beach]

I am a stuffer. But I am in IC. I have hope to "fix" broken things with that and MC. If not then the above may very well happen. Or worse. My biggest fear is neither of us gets enough stuff "fixed" and WS then does it again.

 

But your wife isn't working on her part in it thoroughly, right?

[ladydesigner]

I am wondering if it is a time in healing that we hit. I was at the stage you have just described about 4 months ago and now I am happy to be in R. I have also been put on a new medication recently, so am wondering if it could be that too.

 

I think in year 2 of R we start to really understand what just happened to us and it is a hard pill to swallow. I know I have daydreamed many times of what divorced life would look like because I just cannot believe what my WH did to me and to us. It's a very sad reality.

[harrybrown]

Wow. Was AP22 right? Did she enjoy seeing you in pain?

 

My WS blamed me. Said I deserved it. How long before your WS changed her mind about that? My WS went back and forth about it for 6 months or so.

 

No one deserves this. How would she feel if you had an affair?

[atreides]

I will never forget the words of my W on D-day. "How does it feel to have the one person you thought would never hurt you rip your heart out?"

 

 

That is unrecoverable to me. I am a hard-ass and no matter my emotional state there are lines that once crossed... can never go back. Though i am not a BS, i have a bit of a different situation, I tend to react calmly but severely, dubbed "cold fire" by a few friends of mine from my military days.

 

I am amazed frankly at the stories that forgiveness won out, while i have respect for the courage and strength for those that want R that are WS, if I were there H, it would not be possible. At the same time is is a good thing to see couples fight to keep the M going.

 

drifter77 has a point:

You may be able to achieve that kind of "reconciliation" where you go on living together and are able to find reasons for staying so you can avoid divorce.

 

if it were me, if the love or ability to love her again is not likely in a reasonable time, no other reason to me matters. Not kids, finances and etc... because i see it as life being in limbo and living a lie.

[dichotomy]

IMO this is not really true or at least twisted. The WS gives the BS the power to walk away and be in the right buuuuut, that is all. Everyone, no matter the situation still has control over themselves. And just as a BS can't control a

WS and make them repentive and work on the marriage... A WS can't make a BS forgive them and give them a second chance. See what I mean? In respects to staying or leaving there is no transfer of leaving. Both spouses are free to choose to leave at any given moment. A BS can look at their Ws and say you have to give me x, y, and z and still choose to leave even when x, y, and z are met but that is true for any mariatel problem. And a WS can decide they have reached a limit of paying for their crimes and leave. Freedom of choice.

 

 

My point was this - and I have a traditional view of marriage - that outside of cheating or abuse - your in it for better or worse - you are copilots/cocaptians of ship marriage - there is compromise and co directions When one cheats, you have the power to leave or not leave, in a sense you become the captain. I am not saying you can make the other do anything - but simply that there is a relief valve now - you are justified now - or 10 years form now of steering the ship to the port and leaving - no questions asked, no excuses needed. The WS should know this.

 

I wished to empower OP in this way and not let her feel trapped. It is her decision now.

[Confused48]

I am wondering if it is a time in healing that we hit. I was at the stage you have just described about 4 months ago and now I am happy to be in R.

 

I hope this is true for me someday.

 

I have also been put on a new medication recently, so am wondering if it could be that too.

 

This made me smile. Thanks. I mean I know you are serious but its still funny how you put it.

[Confused48]

drifter77 has a point:

 

if it were me, if the love or ability to love her again is not likely in a reasonable time, no other reason to me matters. Not kids, finances and etc... because i see it as life being in limbo and living a lie.

 

I agree, kids, finances... not enough of a reason, a factor in the decision for sure but no conclusive. Its not that there isn't love. There is. Lots from both sided. Its just that love may not be enough either. Just another factor in the decision.

[Confused48]

drifter77 has a point:

 

if it were me, if the love or ability to love her again is not likely in a reasonable time, no other reason to me matters. Not kids, finances and etc... because i see it as life being in limbo and living a lie.

 

I agree, kids, finances... not enough of a reason, a factor in the decision for sure but not conclusive. Its not that there isn't love. There is. Lots from both sides. Its just that love may not be enough either. Just another factor in the decision.