Been cheated on

[Heartbrokenwoman]

I have joined this site in hope that I will have some opinions on what I have been through. I met (let's call him Tom) back in November 2011. After two dates we were a couple. Within 5/6 months we had fallen in love. We had lots in common & had similar interests. Friends & family would always comment on how well suited we were together. We had never had an argument. We both lived at home with parents, we are both in out late twenties. By the end of 2012 we were discussing our future. We both wanted to move out together & start our life. So from the beginning of 2013 we started to save. He said to me "i have found the one" & even asked me what type of ring i would like, where to get married & we had even chose our fav child names. He kept saying he wanted a child but I kept saying I wanted to wait till we were more settled ie had our place. In May this year I started to notice some changes in him. When we were out together he would always comment on what other woman were wearing, that he liked it etc. This started to annoy & also make me feel quite insecure. I confronted him & he apologised but he did get quite fed up at the fact I found it to be a problem. I tried explaining it the other way round, if it was me making these comments & he just sigh & nodded. This never really resurfaced again. In August this year my sister got married & Tom was the usher. He was very much involved in it & got involved in family gatherings. But at the end of July before the wedding, he found out he was losing (one) of the jobs he was contracted to work for. This hit him hard & I supported him through it. I sat up till the early hours with him creating a CV & applying for jobs. I even managed to get him a job with a family member of mine, in the industry he was looking for. He was really happy & excited & I helped him with the application etc. He was offered the job.

Things changed again in September he became very cold towards me & almost angry. Yet we agreed to open up a savings account for our savings, which we did together. That following week we were due to go on holiday. I hadn't seen him the previous week due to me working days & him working nights (which was normal for us). The day we went away he was still cold towards me. He wouldn't hug me or hold my hand (which he would normally do). The first two days were horrible he would spoon me in bed & say night I love you. But when it came to during the day he wouldn't show me any affection or care. I once had to use his mobile to make a call & he gave me his phone set up to make a call. But at that moment the phone switched to texts & i saw a text from a girl called maria with a smiley face. I had enough & by the third day confronted him. He said he loved me but was not sure if he was in love with me. I obviously burst into tears & he sat & hugged me. We spoke for 4 hours where he said he can't see a future for himself, he sometimes feels like driving away in his car, he can't see me in a white dress etc & he broke down crying. When I questioned about Maria he said "maybe other people make me happy". We left the holiday to come back home, he dropped me at home, said sorry & zoomed off in his car. Two days later he asked to collect his stuff from mine which i agreed. We ended up talking again for a few hours. He said he was scared he was going cheat on me & that he fell out of love with me the end of August. I asked him if there was any chance of us getting back together & he shrugged & said "I just don't know, I won't be living here soon anyway & I know you won't move that far because of your mum". He hugged me (I didn't hug him back) & he stroked my hip before leaving. That's the last I have seen of him. Two days after that he removed me on Facebook. I was close to his family & was speaking to them at this time. They couldn't understand his decision either. His mum even asked me "to not delete her on Facebook & that she was not happy with Tom". Well I got a lame text excuse saying he deleted me so that I can decide if I wanted to be friends! My world was in turmoil & could not understand why everything had changed. In October I contacted him to sort out the bank account he was really moody & angry again. Asking for half of the money (when most was mine). He eventually backed down by saying "take it I actually don't care anymore". He even offered to come round & sign the letter for the bank which I refused as my mum was preparing for surgery to remove tumours & I couldn't handle seeing him again. I posted it to him, he posted it back & I sorted it.

I always felt something was not right about this Maria. (I don't know this person & he has never mentioned her) So I found her on Facebook (he added her after deleting me) & sent her a message. She said she met Tom in the first week of September & they started seeing each other. They slept together the weekend before we went on holiday. He told her he was single & had split up with me a few months ago. She was on a night out in our area, miles away from her home & was stuck waiting for transport to start at 3am. Tom pulled up & offered her a lift & it started from there. She said he was very clingy & within a week asked if he could move in in her student house (she lived 2 hours away from him). After he broke up with me he got himself a job down near her & she freaked out & split up from him. She was only 20. He met & spent 2 days with her & then came to my aunts house for a family meal the next day!! It worked out he dumped me & just over a week later she dumped him. We were both angry as he played both of us (me more so than her). He was my future he was planning with me. I feel there a lot of skeletons in his closet that I will never find out. When I realised he cheated I text him & his family. His family promptly deleted me on Facebook (even though the past 2 months they had assured me he feels strongly about cheating after being cheated on himself & that he never mentions Maria & there is nothing going on). He never replied to me & to this day still hasn't. I'm now unable to contact him or his family due to him reporting me. I just want to know why? How? Why would you throw away everything you had?? I have since found out he is on dating websites & is living back home near me. I don't think I'll ever get my answers but opinions or similar situations people have been through I would really appreciate. Thank you

[tiredofitall2]

You don't realize it now and I know you are in pain, but you are very lucky! Lucky that you didn't end up marrying this man and having children so that he could later on cheat on you and leave you with children in the picture. Forget him and move on. Many times people have more than one long term relationship before marrying the right person. It is part of life and it is how we learn and grow.

 

You are young and you will eventually find a man that will value you and give you your place.

 

About contacting him, don't! The more you try the further you will push him away, but to be honest even if you stop contact and he does come back to say he is sorry, you shouldn't take him back. NEVER.

 

Why? Because there is no need to. You are not married and don't have a family to restore. Just move on and be happy. You will eventually find happiness.

 

He might come back at some point, it happens all the time. Hopefully by then you will be over him and not fall in his trap. He WILL do it again and again. He does not value or respect you.

 

Someone else will. I Assure you.

 

People cheat all the time and there are many reasons. many times it is about validating themselves. Sometimes it is because they like to eat from the forbidden fruit or for the challenge. In any case it really doesn't matter why he did what he did. Just move on.....

[Spectre]

I would disagree that it doesn't matter why a cheater cheated on you, I think it does..even though there is *never* going to be a good enough reason to justify such behavior.

 

I think the OP needs to dump the guy and never look back, he doesn't respect her. It's not hard to keep it in your pants if you care about someone.

[Clay]

I am very sorry you are going through this. I would be happy you did not marry him or have children with him. I don't regret my kids but I sure would have liked to have them with a woman that wasn't a cheater. Dealing with her all these years really sucks.

 

There are much better guys out there.

 

Clay

[Heartbrokenwoman]

Thank you everyone for your opinions & advice. It's been 2 months since we split up & only two weeks since I have found out he was unfaithful. I'am struggling because being with him just felt right, I really thought he was my future. And now I'm trying to imagine & focus on a future without him in it. Just feels so strange & sad

[Heartbrokenwoman]

I also find out from the friend who found him on the dating website, he had used a photo of himself from my sisters partners stag party! Does he not have any morals??!! I cannot get my head round how someone can change so much so quickly. It's scary to think I once thought I knew him & trusted him with everything

[Clay]

It his hard to make plans that are so personal and deep and find that person not only lied about it but did it right to your face. When you were most vulnerable.

If I was you I would turn this around and look at it as if it was a blessing. You escaped a horrible life with him. You saved yourself from and experience most of us having trouble living with day to day.

 

You also can look at this as a learning experience. Make the next guy work for your love. There are much better men out there.

 

Clay

[Heartbrokenwoman]

Thank you. Yes I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I do feel myself lucky when I see & hear of people going through a similar situation as you are.

I am planning on doing exactly that, I'm just scared about how I will know when I will feel ready to get back out there again. He has knocked my confidence.

[Clay]

Oh well this part is simple. Just wait like 6 months and then Date and have fun. Don't get real serious with anyone. Just take your time and enjoy being the center of attention for a while. There is nothing wrong with being pick on your next choice for a mate.

 

I thought for a long time it was me and what I found out it was never me. It was her. Its been six years and she is still messed up. She is still with the OM and I am thankful for that. They are not ruining other peoples lives.

 

I was raised by my mom and my grandparents. My grand father always said life is what you make of it.

 

Make your life better.

 

Clay

[Heartbrokenwoman]

Thank you. You sound like you have things worked out for yourself. You sound like a strong person. Good on you for being so strong & getting your life in focus.

 

I do think I give too much in relationship & i think it's partly the reason why I get hurt so badly. People say I need to learn to love being by myself first which is what I'm trying to do as well as mending the mess his left my emotions in.

[Clay]

I get reevaluating what you did in this relationship. I learned to be more observant. I learned what flags to watch out for. You are learning these things too. Don't change your heart for them. Stay true to who you are.

 

I spent ten years with my xW so I had lots of time to call myself stupid and relearn the definition of insanity. One thing for sure I am more decisive. I am more truthful and blunt. This is not my best quality for obvious reasons.

 

You are on the right path. Strength comes from within you.

 

Clay

[Heartbrokenwoman]

Yes I have been starting to do that actually. It's very much an experience I have learned from.

That's what I'm worried about, that I will have such a way of thinking or acting in a relationship that no one will put up with me. To break down those walls.

 

My mum said something similar about strength. Problem is he was my security & he made me feel safe, so now I feel I've been left out in the rain & struggling to rebuild my own strength that I had before him.

[RightThere]

My mum said something similar about strength. Problem is he was my security & he made me feel safe, so now I feel I've been left out in the rain & struggling to rebuild my own strength that I had before him.

 

It's hard and will take some time, but soon you'll amaze yourself at where you are and what you are able to accomplish on your own.

 

You're already seeking out advice and support here. That is a positive step.

[Heartbrokenwoman]

He also had my whole family fooled. They all thought he was a lovely man & was my 'one'. I have been through feeling bad for my family especially for my sister as I brought him to her wedding & he was a part of it.

They have all told me not to think in that way, they have all said they are in shock too as they believed him to be a decent guy.

[Clay]

That part to me really is the most puzzling of cheating. Its really hard to understand that mindset. They are in a relationship. They make friends while in the relationship and also make friends with there partners family. How does this in any benefit them to cheat. I get the quick obvious reason but the later reason are no where worth it. They just exposed themselves to so many people and showed how horrible of a person they are. I understand a lot of cheaters don't really care how people look at them. I would not want anyone looking at me and thinking I was a liar or a cheater. I will never really understand the true gain of this but I guess Its not really something you can ever fully understand.

 

I hope for you that you never have to experience anything like this again. I know its a problem in our society that will always be a around but with time you will learn to see things and help you decide who you want to be close to you.

 

Clay

[Spectre]

That's what I'm worried about, that I will have such a way of thinking or acting in a relationship that no one will put up with me. To break down those walls.

 

Do not worry about this. Any guy who truly loves and cares about you wouldn't have any problem "putting up with you". He'd try to be understanding about why you act the way you do and would try to help you deal with whatever issues you had, etc. Since that is what you do if you are in love with someone.

 

People do need to work at relationships, they all need work. If someone isn't willing to put in the time to do so then it obviously doesn't mean much to them.

[Mcle]

Do not let a man be your main source of strength or security. To be strong you must find that within yourself. Also, guys like this prey on kind, naive girls who only see the good in people. I know it's sucks but if you learn to look for certain red flags in guys you will feel more confident in the future. Good luck and hugs.