Seeking validation

[Hurts_Donut]

I've been following LS forums for the past few months and have appreciated the sticky topics and input others have received. I finally felt the need to post about my own experience and get any insight from others that I could. Here's my story.

 

Wife and I have been married for 4 years, together for 10. I always felt we were happy. No kids. Roughly a year ago, she started to become very distant. She quickly started to withhold sex of any kind, or make me feel very guilty for it. She stopped talking. She stopped any kind of physical/emotional intimacy. Naturally, I was despondent.

 

9 months ago, I found our laptop with her Facebook homepage open. On it, I noticed several racy photographs of her. I looked. She had set up her photos so that they automatically uploaded from her phone to a private album on Facebook, where she could then choose which ones to make public. There were several sexy pictures of her trying on underwear, and one picture of her mostly naked getting out of the shower. Needless to say, they were never sent to me.

 

There were also two pictures of text conversations that she had sent to friends, one female and on male coworker. In these conversations, she was complaining about (incredibly minor) things that I'd done that annoyed her and starting a "bash fest" about dumb I was.

 

I confronted her about them. She denied that there was another person. She denied that she sent the pictures to anybody else. She apologized for the pictures of the texts, but denied sending them to anybody else.

 

I became very depressed. I demanded that we go to couples counseling. We continued counseling for 7 months between two separate counselors. My wife just repeatedly stated that she didn't know what she wanted, that she was just not attracted to me physically and never was (a damnable lie ). Yet she continued to go, although literally no progress was made and she was incapable of doing any of the "assignments" we were given. Eventually, our last counselor told us that further sessions were only hurting the relationship.

 

At the same time, my wife began spending more and more time away from home with friends alone. She wasn't interested in doing anything with me. She turned down a free vacation with me offered by my mother to a time-share she has, claiming it would be "too expensive." It would have only cost gas.

 

The past few months, she has spent roughly 60% of weekend nights on her own, visiting her best friend or going out with the girls. When we were together, we usually sat in silence, as she wouldn't really talk to me.

 

All her devices and email accounts have been password protected and impenetrable. Previously, this was never an issue.

 

Two weekends ago, she said she was heading to her friends for the evening, but would be back. I then made plans to spend the night with my friends. Suspicious, I had been monitoring a drawer where she kept sexual things (that we hadn't used in quite some time). On Thursday, a bottle of lube, which had been there for a while, was present. On Friday, after my wife left, it was gone. Saturday, upon my return, it was back again.

 

I asked her to tell me the truth about her affair. She got very stiff and said she had nothing to tell me. I left.

 

I went NC for 10 days. Two days ago, she called me confused and upset, asking about what my plans were. I emailed a response, saying that I am coming home after Thanksgiving, and that, if she wouldn't divulge information about her affair, she shouldn't be there when I returned. She responded yesterday, telling me that "her answer hadn't changed," that our marriage was over and that she'd start looking for apartments.

My question to the community is this: she's cheating, right? I'm heart sick. Everything in my being tells me that she is cheating, but her consistent (albeit, unconvincing) denials leave me just more hurt and somewhat confused.

 

I just don't know what to do. Any advice is appreciated.

[ClemsonTigers]

She's cheating. Probably with the co-worker.

 

Counseling while she remained in an active affair was a waste of time.

 

$40 buys you a voice activated recording device which you should have hidden under her driver's seat a year ago.

 

It's likely the guy she is with is married so getting some proof would be nice even now, regardless of what you decide to do. Just don't look to her to admit anything. Hire a private detective. It shouldn't take long. Follow her yourself one friday or saturday night.

 

You are entitled to the truth about your life.

[ClemsonTigers]

She thinks you are out of town until Thanksgiving…perfect time to head home early, borrow a friends car and follow her a bit. If you want to get creative put on a disguise so you can follow her, her OM and friends into some bar or other establishment. Have your camera phone at hand to record where she goes at the end of the night and who with….then follow the OM home or wherever he goes. They won't expect you in town so they are less likely to be watching for you. There's a good chance they could even be carrying on in your own home and own bed this weekend.

 

Again, waywards don't typically admit anything. You have to bust them with undeniable proof and even then they still try to deny but, at least you'll have material with which to expose them to friends and family.

[Hurts_Donut]

Thanks, ClemsonTigers.

 

I should add -- my wife is incredibly thorough about eliminating any trace of potential evidence of anything. It's just the way that she is. It made trying to accumulate any real evidence of an affair soul-crushing, because I went months and months of searching without any trace of real evidence (other than the way she was treating me and what I posted above).

 

I don't know if there will be any possibility for me to acquire evidence myself going forward, though hiring a detective isn't out of the question. Part of me hesitates, though. I don't know anything about any affair that's actually happening, or if it is still happening. I think if I hired a PI, and nothing turned up, I'd feel even worse about everything.

[Hurts_Donut]

Should also add -- I didn't tell my wife what I knew when I confronted her after the lube incident a couple weeks ago. Only that I knew she was having an affair and that I wanted the truth. So, I don't believe she knows what/how much I know.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Hurts_Donut
Typo

[RightThere]

The red flags are everywhere on this one. Sounds like she's very good at covering up whatever she is doing.

 

She's ready to end the relationship and you should let her if she's not interested in working on anything at home.

[jphcbpa]

Of course she is cheating. There is no more evidence needed. Time to protect yourself financially. Lawyer up ASAP!!! You can heal emotionally later.

 

Thank you goodness no kids are involved.

 

If you want to snoop, then now is the time while she thinks you are out of town.

[Realist3]

I don't think anyone can determine whether she is cheating or not with the post you made, but what difference does it make at this point?

 

She said the marriage is over. She also said she wasn't attracted anymore. What rabbit are you chasing with more investigation? you aren't going to make her become attracted to you all of the sudden by somehow being able to prove she is cheating.

 

You have lost her.

[ClemsonTigers]

I don't think anyone can determine whether she is cheating or not with the post you made, but what difference does it make at this point?

 

Would you care to place a bet? I know you active adulterers think you are so smart and cunning and that denial is your friend but after a couple years dealing with this stuff it becomes so transparent and obvious. My wife and I can pick out adulterers in restaurants without even speaking to them. This one isn't even close.

 

And it makes a difference to him. This is his life and he's not sure what the truth is and it's upsetting and confusing to him. Just knowing the truth has value. Just knowing he's not going crazy and all the bats hit things she's been saying and blaming him for were nothing more than part of the cover up has value to him.

 

She said the marriage is over.

 

Feelings change. Bust her convincingly and expose the truth far and wide and let's what happens.

 

also said she wasn't attracted anymore.

 

Feelings change. This is just a rationalization and justification waywards use to feel better about the horrible things they are doing. I've seen hundreds/thousands of former wayward spouses that have recanted such statements, regretted such statements and/or not even recalled thinking or making such statements. It's BULLCRAP meant to deflect attention from the primary problem of the affair and off the wayward spouse.

 

 

what rabbit are you chasing with more investigation? you aren't going to make her become attracted to you all of the sudden by somehow being able to prove she is cheating.

 

He isn't worried about attraction or whatever…he just wants the truth. However, the point that a married man investigating and snooping on his wife is somehow weak is another misnomer. We are to love, honor and cherish our wives and part of "cherishing" them is watching out for them and protecting them from abusive and manipulative OM predators who just want something "more" in their lives. Getting the truth, standing up for himself and, if he chooses, fighting for his marriage IS attractive.

 

 

you have lost her.

 

More or less 50% of the time the ultimate decision to divorce or not will end up being the betrayed spouses. This poster has lost a lot of ground by letting the affair continue this long without busting it. The affair has had time to become more deeply entrenched and he has likely lost all want and desire to really fight. Looking for stuff of the computer or her phone isn't enough or the easiest way. Like I said before, most people have their most private phone conversations while driving so putting a recording device in there (along with maybe a GPS tracker on her car) can give this poster the truth about his life that he is entitled to. From there…HE can decide whether to try to save his wife from making the biggest mistake of her life or whether he himself should just move on and divorce her.

[Hurts_Donut]

I don't think anyone can determine whether she is cheating or not with the post you made, but what difference does it make at this point?

 

She said the marriage is over. She also said she wasn't attracted anymore. What rabbit are you chasing with more investigation? you aren't going to make her become attracted to you all of the sudden by somehow being able to prove she is cheating.

 

You have lost her.

 

It matters to me because I want what has happened to me during the last year to make some kind of sense. At this point, I'm not that concerned about saving the relationship. However, I haven't received a single reason from my wife as to why she's acted the way that she has. I've received no substantive complaints about how I've acted. I certainly haven't done anything that would warrant this behavior.

[Realist3]

1. You are right, feelings change; and its sounds as if she told him her feelings have changed for him. What she said was was very definitive. To suggest busting her is going to change those feelings I think is a fools errand. Let her go.

 

Have you ever pondered that his behaviors drove her away?

 

2. Instead of making the assumption it is the 'biggest mistake of her life' it could be the biggest opportunity in good fortune of his life.

[Realist3]

It matters to me because I want what has happened to me during the last year to make some kind of sense. At this point, I'm not that concerned about saving the relationship. However, I haven't received a single reason from my wife as to why she's acted the way that she has. I've received no substantive complaints about how I've acted. I certainly haven't done anything that would warrant this behavior.

+

 

Then assume she's cheating and wants out of the marriage. That assumption will save you a lot of time and effort. Divorce her. If she want to come back she will come back.

 

From reading your initial post I think the controlling/clingy thing might have played a large factor. Those are not attractive personality traits. Just consider that.

 

But hey go ahead and do the investigation, and regardless of what you find I will guess you will be in the same boat.

[Realist3]

Would you care to place a bet?

 

Place a bet on what? That she has disconnected from the marriage?

[violet1]

I don't think anyone can determine whether she is cheating or not with the post you made, but what difference does it make at this point?

 

Really Realist? Come on, your MOW is cheating without her husband's approval. If her husband confronted her without evidence, do you really think she'd admit to it? I've been on both sides, the betrayed and the betrayer. The number 1 rule when cheating is to deny, deny, deny unless evidence proves otherwise. There are red flags everywhere in his post. Why would she take sexy pics and hide them in a secret album? Why would she sneak lube out of the house? Why would she all of a sudden start password protecting her electronic devices? It's his marriage and if he wants to know it's his right. Plus, what if she unknowingly gave him an STD?

 

To the OP, I'm pretty sure she's cheating. Plain and simple she doesn't want to look like the bad guy for wanting a divorce. Buy yourself a VAR and plant it in her car. Also, make an appointment to get tested for STD's. I would also secretly stop by the house at night. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Realist3]

Really Realist? Come on, your MOW is cheating without her husband's approval. If her husband confronted her without evidence, do you really think she'd admit to it? I've been on both sides, the betrayed and the betrayer. The number 1 rule when cheating is to deny, deny, deny unless evidence proves otherwise. There are red flags everywhere in his post. Why would she take sexy pics and hide them in a secret album? Why would she sneak lube out of the house? Why would she all of a sudden start password protecting her electronic devices? It's his marriage and if he wants to know it's his right. Plus, what if she unknowingly gave him an STD?

 

 

She wouldn't admit to what the OP has because he doesn't really have much. At the same time if she wanted to stay with him she might admit it especially after his latest threat. But she doesn't want to stay with him.

[Bryanp]

It seems quite obvious that she is cheating and does not care about you or the marriage. I would suggest:

1. Get tested for STD's

2. See a lawyer immediately and understand your options.

 

She is playing you for a fool and if you remain with her than she is correct. Good luck to you.

[violet1]

She wouldn't admit to what the OP has because he doesn't really have much. At the same time if she wanted to stay with him she might admit it especially after his latest threat. But she doesn't want to stay with him.

 

Yes, that's exactly my point. She's denying because he doesn't have good evidence right now. He needs to get an attorney and collect evidence if possible. If she's cheating and he can prove it, his case will be stronger in court especially depending on what state he lives in. Where I live, if adultery is proven, alimony doesn't have to be paid to the cheater. Depending on how much they both make, he could end up paying alimony and that's not fair to him.

[ChooseTruth]

She's definitely cheating.

 

It makes such a difference to your own sanity to know the truth regardless of what happens down the road.

 

She won't confess without hard proof...that's the way it usually goes with remorseless cheaters. Then when you give the proof, you teach them how to go deeper underground. But it doesn't matter, because you need to move on and find that person who is worthy of you and would do anything to be with you. They're out there

[Realist3]

Yes, that's exactly my point. She's denying because he doesn't have good evidence right now. He needs to get an attorney and collect evidence if possible. If she's cheating and he can prove it, his case will be stronger in court especially depending on what state he lives in. Where I live, if adultery is proven, alimony doesn't have to be paid to the cheater. Depending on how much they both make, he could end up paying alimony and that's not fair to him.

 

Cheating rarely factors into anything these days especially in no fault states. Given the short length of time of the marriage I don't know if there will be much the way of alimony.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I'll give you validation. You're wife's behavior is very similar to my wife's during her affair.

 

1 - Became distant/cold - check

2 - Stopped talking - check

3 - Sit in tense silence - check

4 - Stopped having sex - check

5 - Stayed away from the home - check

6 - Canceled a vacation - check

7 - Rewrites relationship's history - check

8 - Emotionally checked out of the marriage - check

[Hurts_Donut]

Update.

 

My wife sent me a loooong email today. She has basically planned out, logistically, every aspect of our (apparently pending) legal separation/divorce. She got an apartment. She laid out, in detail, how we need to fairly and evenly split all of our bills, expenses and property. She's even called around to prepare a substantial portion of the groundwork for all of it.

 

This is roughly 24 hours after she first told me that she believed our marriage was over. Still won't address the cheating.

 

My head is spinning right now.

[RightThere]

Update.

 

My wife sent me a loooong email today. She has basically planned out, logistically, every aspect of our (apparently pending) legal separation/divorce. She got an apartment. She laid out, in detail, how we need to fairly and evenly split all of our bills, expenses and property. She's even called around to prepare a substantial portion of the groundwork for all of it.

 

This is roughly 24 hours after she first told me that she believed our marriage was over. Still won't address the cheating.

 

My head is spinning right now.

 

Sorry this is happening to you, but she's been planning the split for a loooong time. That's why she was able to put together a step by step instruction kit for how to get separated.

 

Google "walk away wife syndrome" and you'll get better perspective of what's going on. As for someone else in the picture, it's like I'm watching a rerun of my own marriage at the beginning of our separation.

 

Stay strong and look after yourself. No one else is going to do that.

[Realist3]

Goose = cooked

 

Move on. Don't waste your time worrying about if she cheated or not. She is done with you. You should be the same.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You must be in terrible shock and sadness. I've never been unfaithful or had a partner be unfaithful to me (to my knowledge) but I would imagine in your position that you kinda think things are going to play out a little differently. You imagine that you will confront them, and if they admit it you'll be the one to decide whether or not to take their cheating ass back or whether to kick them to the curb. This way, she's even taken that control away from you by checking out and telling you the marriage is over, without even giving you an admission of guilt. So you feel she's cheating but you can't KNOW it irrefutably until she admits it or you get proof, you can't make any sense of why she'd leave otherwise. At least if you knew she was having an affair you'd be able to come to terms with the fact that she never deserved you and you're better off without someone like her. This must all feel so very wrong.

 

I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry and that I hope you feel like you have places you can go to for support. Who is supporting you through this right now?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Update.

 

My wife sent me a loooong email today. She has basically planned out, logistically, every aspect of our (apparently pending) legal separation/divorce. She got an apartment. She laid out, in detail, how we need to fairly and evenly split all of our bills, expenses and property. She's even called around to prepare a substantial portion of the groundwork for all of it.

 

This is roughly 24 hours after she first told me that she believed our marriage was over. Still won't address the cheating.

 

My head is spinning right now.

 

The guy she's cheating with will be the one she starts dating pretty soon after she is in her own apartment.

 

She started cheating a little before she cut off sex with you. That's when she felt committed to the other guy and decided she couldn't be unfaithful to him.

 

I guess she doesn't want to be known as a cheater and that's why she isn't telling you anything.

 

From what you posted, she has been bashing you to her friends for quite some time now. I also would guess that on all those nights out with her friends, the other guy usually was there, at least more recently. She probably told them how _________ you were and how _______ you were, and how everybody knows how much she hates people who are ______ and______, how miserable she was with you, how she couldn't stand you any more, and then they supported her having a guy behind your back and now are supporting the divorce.

 

If you catch her with they guy now, she will say it started after you decided to divorce, but that will be the guy she was cheating with.