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Looking for a 20yr Marriage with 2kids and a house


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I have posted my horrible story and I am trying to work it out with my wife.

 

We both cheated about the same time.

 

We have been together for about 20 years and have 2 kids and a house, plus savings, retirement etc.

 

Lot of members tell me to run, even some of my old co-workers. But a few old timers and a single friend of mine told me 1 mistake over 20 years might be worth fighting for.

 

I am looking for members that have been married 15+ years that have gone through it, going through it, or are out of it. Looking for opinions from someone similar to my length of marriage. Most of the Bio I clicked on don't tell much.

 

Thanks out there

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Mickey_Fitzpatrick

Any time there are kids and both spouses are willing to work at it, it is worth a try.

 

There is no easy secret formula, but there is a formula.

 

Rebuilding trust, and understanding the other's mistrust, is a key.

 

You both have to make an effort to rebuild trust and get past triggers.

 

Open emails, no deleting texts, having access to each other's accounts and devices, not minding if the other looks.

 

I'm married over 20 years and my wife cheated on me, but she has made an effort to rebuild the trust and has acquiesced to things I've asked, even if they are somewhat silly. For example, I told her that one musician she liked reminds me of the affair, I didn't ask her to stop listening to it, I just told her how it made me feel. She used to listen to this music all the time, but as far as I know she never listens to it now, at least not in front of me. A little thing like that may seem stupid, but it helped me think she was committed to doing whatever it takes.

 

And these types of things she does willingly, even seems to be happy to do them, if it makes me feel better.

Edited by Mickey_Fitzpatrick
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whatatangledweb

My husband and I had been married 20 years together 22 years at the time I found out about his affair. I was willing to give him a second chance as I loved him, I would be happier with him than without him, the good years well outweighed the bad ones, and he was very remorseful..doing everything and anything you help me heal. It has been hard but worth it.

 

It takes both people to make it work.

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My husband and I had been married 20 years together 22 years at the time I found out about his affair. I was willing to give him a second chance as I loved him, I would be happier with him than without him, the good years well outweighed the bad ones, and he was very remorseful..doing everything and anything you help me heal. It has been hard but worth it.

 

It takes both people to make it work.

 

Very good advise, i agree.

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Mickey_Fitzpatrick and whatatangledweb,

 

thank you, I hope there has been some time since the affairs and you can say everything is moving along well. 2 months in and things are still kinda bumpy and we still slip making nasty comments every now and then. Over all I think it's moving well, it doesn't feel like anymore lies between us.

 

 

I don't know if you read any the first post that I did but we both messed up and I used the excuse of a revenge ONS for something that didn't really happen, well not what I was thinking happened anyway.

 

Thank you for some positive feedback, I felt like I was the only one thinking it was worth a try.

 

Thank you again

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I am repeating this what I have written on your thread:

 

I am sorry but your one time going to a brothel does not compare with your wife banging your best friend for 8 months behind your back without using protection and being with you intimately after she had been with him.

For you to think that is equal is absolutely absurd. You are in denial and your wife has played you for a fool engaging in a double betrayal toward you for 8 months. This is the height of disrespect and humiliation. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

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I am repeating this what I have written on your thread:

 

I am sorry but your one time going to a brothel does not compare with your wife banging your best friend for 8 months behind your back without using protection and being with you intimately after she had been with him.

For you to think that is equal is absolutely absurd. You are in denial and your wife has played you for a fool engaging in a double betrayal toward you for 8 months. This is the height of disrespect and humiliation. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

First of all the guy just said they both cheated. He did not say it was equal. Second who cares if it was. Can't people recon anyway? Every A means betrayal and humiliation. People still recon. It's not easy. It's not a sign of weakness.

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experiencethedevine

A visit to a brothel is a knee jerk reaction in my opinion.

 

If it is of any assistance, my husband and I have been married for 21 years, together for 24. He had a four year affair (albeit long distance, so physical 'togetherness' will vary from the girl down the road scenario. He was working a three month on/off abroad which facilitated it. the physical betrayal was periodic of those time constraints).

.

Many moons later I can tell you that we are in a place I never dreamed we would be after his indiscretion, but we are closer now than ever, and we both know the reasons why we took those vows 21 years ago.

 

The difference now is that we live them.........................

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experiencethedevine, I am happy to hear that even after so long. I hope to be up there with you. I would like to know what you mean by a "knee jerk reaction", stupid male here. LOL

 

I do have some things to say about the 8 month or longer affair. I feel like my wife told me everything. Hell she even told me how special and good it felt to be with him at that time. It kills me, but also that the sexual part of the affair was only a few months and very random usually after big fights. Fights that this bastard helped push along. She told me she wasn't in it for the sex and after it started it was usually him just getting a quick F*ck in and it was making her feel worse every time. Ya pissed me off she went back several times but he was the person she turned to when she felt bad.

 

Going crazy about all this I started reading everything I could about why affairs happen, percentages that it happens, who is worse men or women, and the biggest is with who.

 

roughly 90% of the time women that have affairs cheat with someone they know, neighbor, family friend, someone they work with. Basically someone who they are comfortable with due to proximity, someone they are around a lot and start a friendship with. The other 10% are just really into sex with multiple people, nice way of putting it.

 

I hate to say that I am glad that it happened with someone we knew, he was a fu*ked up person but not violent. He never forced her, blackmailed her, didn't just use her once, they used each other because our marriage was week. That sounds fu*ked up but she reached out to him also and he gave her what she needed. It wasn't just a one night stand.

 

Now I sound stupid...a one night stand would have been great to deal with. Drunk at the club or something stupid like that but she could have been hurt or worse.

 

My brothel trip was planned, researched and I even was emailing the women on the site that were scheduled that week. I didn't really think I would have gone through with it but then I was just pissed and did it. I didn't get anything I wanted out of the experience. I got to feel up fake breasts, not really worth it. Brothels are legal in Nevada, it wasn't against the law so they love to collect taxes, you pay a lot of money for overprotected sex and they claim there hasn't been a STD from licensed Brothels in decades, probably bullsh*t I know. I wanted in and out with no evidence.

 

I do feel hers was a lot worse. She kept going back, and she brought it into our home. But I was looking to go back and try the brothel again and do it differently if I had the chance so I guess I was no better, I just didn't start as soon as she did.

 

It's really messed up from either side depending on which way you look at it.

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experiencethedevine

Knee Jerk reactions are borne out of an immediate search for relief from the traumatic event.

 

Your Knee jerk reaction was to calculate revenge with a prostitute in the hope that it would take some of the pressure off (tit for tat).

 

My knee jerk reaction was to phone the other woman and let her know that I knew about her.

 

Her knee jerk reaction to my husband dropping her like a hot brick was to send me all the emails she had exchanged with my husband, all the cards, photographs and gifts he had shared with her.

 

The point is, that what we experience at that time is so severe and so profound that the brain incites a reaction as a form of relief.

 

It's time for you to put aside the 'tit for tat' thing and get down to what's really important. HOW you move forward from here. WHAT is important to BOTH of you in this relationship. Giving yourselves the space you both need to recognise the fallout of what you've done to each other.

 

Take your time, and talk. Not endlessly, it's exhausting initially, but structure when you will discuss the events that have befallen your marriage and perhaps you can begin to uncover some common ground out of the ashes that affords you that forward motion.

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If she is not remorseful, you are wasting your time.

 

Are you her backup plan? What did she say to that? So she did alot of things for him. What has she done to show you she was sorry, and you are her number one?

 

Sometimes filing will wake up a spouse, sometimes not. But you should , if she is not wanting and trying to make it work.

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experiencethedevine,

Thank you for the support. What would you recommend, I am looking for like a checklist.

 

No more contact

no boundaries over anything

some sort of proof of faith

etc

etc

 

you mentioned that you guys check up on one another now for enjoyment. how long did it take you to get to that point.

 

Thanks again

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experiencethedevine
experiencethedevine,

Thank you for the support. What would you recommend, I am looking for like a checklist.

 

No more contact

no boundaries over anything

some sort of proof of faith

etc

etc

 

you mentioned that you guys check up on one another now for enjoyment. how long did it take you to get to that point.

 

Thanks again

 

The greatest investment you can make at this time if you both really want to re-establish and work toward a healthier marriage is in therapy.

 

I cannot stress enough that having the right therapist to offer you space to be open, honest and develop better communications between you is vital in my opinion to the foundations of any possible success.

 

It is imperative that you are BOTH in agreement regarding this difficult advancement, or your hard earned money will be wasted.

 

Alongside counselling for you both, as is suggested on many occasions, depending on what each of your personal needs are, you might consider independent therapy also. Most couples are terrified of this in the wake of a traumatic event like betrayal, but the truth is that you must both be healthy individuals to be a healthy couple, and therefore is something that should not be feared.

 

I suggest this be your first stepping stone to a better relationship that protects itself from outside influences due to your successful communication, honesty, and devotion to each other.

 

We cannot KNOW what a person is thinking. So called psychic ability is nothing more than Darwinian intuition (preservation of the self), so it makes sense does it not to afford ourselves the security of better communication by being open and honest with respect, dignity and sensitivity.

 

Respect each others space in the meantime, and keep talking. When things get difficult or heated, then give each other 30 minutes breathing space to calm down. Schedule times when you will talk about each of your infidelities openly and honestly, and if that means away from the house, find a place that is quiet. Limit your times for this subject to be discussed so that you are not swamped to saturation point with the matter, then do something entirely unrelated together for a short time to remind yourselves of why you wanted to be together in the first place.

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I have posted my horrible story and I am trying to work it out with my wife.

 

We both cheated about the same time.

 

We have been together for about 20 years and have 2 kids and a house, plus savings, retirement etc.

 

Lot of members tell me to run, even some of my old co-workers. But a few old timers and a single friend of mine told me 1 mistake over 20 years might be worth fighting for.

 

I am looking for members that have been married 15+ years that have gone through it, going through it, or are out of it. Looking for opinions from someone similar to my length of marriage. Most of the Bio I clicked on don't tell much.

 

Thanks out there

 

I'm sorry man but the bottom line is this: if the marriage was so worth fighting for she would of never ever cheated in the first place. I am sorry, I know it sucks and hurts..but that is the way it is.

 

I think at the end of the day unless you have zero self respect you will not get back with this woman.

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whatatangledweb
I'm sorry man but the bottom line is this: if the marriage was so worth fighting for she would of never ever cheated in the first place. I am sorry, I know it sucks and hurts..but that is the way it is.

 

I think at the end of the day unless you have zero self respect you will not get back with this woman.

 

I'm sorry but I disagree. I have my self respect and I forgave my husband's affair. Twenty years is a long time to just give up because of an affair. His wife is remorseful and he loves her. Those are reasons to try to work through the affair.

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I'm sorry but I disagree. I have my self respect and I forgave my husband's affair. Twenty years is a long time to just give up because of an affair. His wife is remorseful and he loves her. Those are reasons to try to work through the affair.

 

I have to disagree right back. You might say twenty years is a long time to just give up because of some affair. But I would counter with: twenty years is a long time to risk losing in order to screw another person. The betrayers are the ones who should of been thinking about how much they are throwing away, not the betrayee's. Sorry, the longer/more special the marriage is the worse the betrayal is.

 

If the marriage is not important enough for these people to see it is worth working on before they cheat then these are huge red flags. All this history should of been the exact reason it never happened, not the reason it should be saved. In the end that is what I feel a lot of people do not seem to get. I am happy that you decided the affair was something you could be ok with, but I would never ever want to spend the rest of my life with someone who could betray me on such a level. We only get this one life and it shouldn't be wasted on people who do not truly care for us.

Edited by Spectre
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whatatangledweb

I am so NOT ok with his affair. Believe me I went through all the thoughts you are saying. I was shocked my husband was willing to risk our twenty years together for a cheap thrill. I gave him one chance to rebuild. He has not failed me in the years past. Do I still hurt from it? Yes. Yet giving him another chance was still worth it to me. We had a very good marriage then he had a midlife crisis (totally cop out excuse) and had an affair. I struggled with it. I mean I could at least see why he did it if we had a rocky marriage so it was a total shock to me. Choosing to try again is a very hard choice for a BS...never an easy one.

 

All that being said , I see where it is a deal breaker for people. I always thought it would be for me too.

 

The only part I disagree with you is that I lost my self respect because I made the choice I did.

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My H and I have been M for 26 yrs this past Oct and we have both cheated. He had an EA early on, I rugswept it and paid for that. We separated four yrs ago and I had a two time encounter with someone. I told him it happened, we decided to reconcile, about a year and half into reconciliation I caught him in another EA.

My H had had poor boundaries throughout our entire M and that is what needed to be dealt with early on. We are putting things back together now. It has been nearly four years since what I did, and almost two years since I caught him.

It can be done. What I will tell you is, figure out why you each did this. Why were each of your coping skills so bad that you each reached out for this instead of knowing how to deal with what was happening in your life. If you each can't figure out how to deal with a crisis, one of you will do it again. The marriage isn't the problem here, the two of you are. Once you guys are fixed the M will start to get better on its own. My husband and I have been in individual counseling for a few years and we are just now really focusing on the marriage, and it is really getting good. But we had to fix ourselves first.

Doing this to a marriage, levels it. There is nothing left of your old marriage. Be prepared to never compare what you did to what she did, you both hurt. Accept it. And be ok with each other's hurts. You each did this to each other. If you can't get to that place, this won't work. This is a huge ball of ****. To work through it, takes a lot of compassion on both sides. That has just been our experience. I can say, we have the marriage we never thought we would have. Now.

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Spectre,

Do you mind me asking how long you were married and how many kids you have, and briefly what happened?

 

I think about running away everyday and I kick myself now when I think it because I had everything on her, pictures, recorded confession. Lawyer said I had a closed case, Adultery divorce would have been close to instant because of this, I could have taken her for everything and kept most of the savings for myself.

 

Smart people know when it's time to cut and run.... Cowards run when they're not sure. Love does make you blind so through and all with all the fog right now I am trying to get perspectives from both sides. We both F*cked up but for me to blame her for a revenge affair is weak on my part. Just like her I knew what I was doing.

 

"The Level of betrayal only matches the level of love that was damaged" I miss quoted it I'm sure but I realize that's why it hurts so much.

 

As for respecting myself, Several people are impressed I haven't done any harm to this other person physically or on a personal level. I Have the means to do both but I am not an idiot, What would that solve. That bas**ard wasn't the problem, our marriage was. I feel like the better person and am trying to let it all go. I will never be OK with it, but I get it and will try to learn from it instead of it eating me up inside.

 

Bumpy but better everyday

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The marriage wasn't the problem, the two people inside of the marriage were. Why didn't you two communicate what was going on? Why didn't each of you choose D instead of screwing other people? Many other avenues you each could have taken but didn't. Find your reasons for that, and you start fixing what went wrong. And your right, the other person isn't the issue, he could have been anyone at the right time.

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I agree, we lost each other and stopped reaching out for one another. We followed the motions and that was about it. You're right about the AP, if it wasn't him it would have been a neighbor or someone else. He was a friend, but I would never have believed he was that pathetic of a person, he called me his brother.

I did something stupid on an impulse, I was also thinking about it but normally wouldn't do that kind of thing. We both messed up.

I have a lot of hate for him because he betrayed me, I let him into my home and welcomed him in, I was blind and it pisses me off because I even saw signs but never put 2 and 2 together. His life and Marriage is hell, now as I think about it more I know his wife knows, looking back she would react to certain things that I now realize would have been a big red flag.

 

I am happy that he continues to live with this woman, she knew and never told me and was supposed to be my friend too. She's a horrible person and makes his life a living hell because she knows he's been doing this and to other women as well. They're destroying each other and I am ashamed to say that makes me happy.

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Spectre,

Do you mind me asking how long you were married and how many kids you have, and briefly what happened?

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to give you the impression I was married or had children(I'm only 28 so nothing like that quite yet). I have not ever been married nor do I have any kids. My experience at least, when it comes to me saying most kids can get over divorce, is just the way I've seen it with the people I know who have gone through that. 99% of the time, if they had truly good parents? They turned out fine. Maybe if I did have kids I would feel different, but I honestly do not feel I would. I would make sure my kids knew 100% how much I loved them and I would make sure 100% they still had a good childhood. I think that is what matters in the end and I do feel yes you can do that even if you divorce their mother.

 

I have been in multiple long term relationships though, was more or less engaged in one of them. In two serious relationships I was cheated on. One I probably should of seen coming, not that I did anything wrong but just the way she was. The second and worst one completely took me by surprise, this was one of those "never in a million years could I ever think she'd do this". It really messed with my head and that was merely from someone who I had been with for several years, but had not been married or had a family with. I don't even think about how much worse it would of been if I had all that when it happened.

 

My perspective mostly comes in on the whole issue with staying with someone after they did this to you. I did stupidly try this, and it just made things a lot worse. I guess this is why I try to advise people to really think about staying in the relationship, because I really do wish someone had really tried to instill that in me. I especially know how badly it eats you up inside, how you can be out with this person or just watching tv with them and you might see a commercial or something else that reminds you of the cheating and it just hurts so badly, much more bad then it would of if this person wasn't around you at the time. This is also why I urge people who cheat, but their partners say they will forgive them to REALLY consider walking away from the relationship even if their partner says they can forgive, because I feel if they truly care and love this person they cheated on they would feel they deserve better.

 

I do realize children complicate the matter and I've yet to have any myself, but as I said I do know people who turned out fine and had good childhoods despite their parents divorce. The few ones I know who didn't? Their parents just flat out weren't good parents, so the divorce really had zero to do with the kids childhood.

 

I think about running away everyday and I kick myself now when I think it because I had everything on her, pictures, recorded confession. Lawyer said I had a closed case, Adultery divorce would have been close to instant because of this, I could have taken her for everything and kept most of the savings for myself.

 

That does suck, my advice here might..unfortunately be a bit of trickery on your part. I don't know, say something like you've been reading a lot about dealing with infidelity, and one exercise you found might be helpful is those who cheated writing out their feelings about why they did so in a letter..since it might allow themselves to express themselves in new and clear ways. Maybe that isn't a good excuse and maybe she won't fall for it, but if you really do want evidence it might be a way if decides to do that for you.

 

Also, does she actually play to DENY she cheated? Since, would you need evidence if she admits it in court? It would be pretty low of her to deny it after everything else she did. That would be another huge red flag for me in terms of overall respect, I don't even care what she is afraid it might cost her, denying it like that is never right.

 

Smart people know when it's time to cut and run.... Cowards run when they're not sure. Love does make you blind so through and all with all the fog right now I am trying to get perspectives from both sides. We both F*cked up but for me to blame her for a revenge affair is weak on my part. Just like her I knew what I was doing.

 

I can guarantee you not all smart people know when to run. Sometimes it just hurts too much to think about leaving this person, sometimes you feel nobody else will love you, sometimes you feel you won't love anyone else and sometimes you feel all of the above. You only become someone who is not smart if you never take steps to leave.

 

As for respecting myself, Several people are impressed I haven't done any harm to this other person physically or on a personal level. I Have the means to do both but I am not an idiot, What would that solve. That bas**ard wasn't the problem, our marriage was. I feel like the better person and am trying to let it all go. I will never be OK with it, but I get it and will try to learn from it instead of it eating me up inside.

 

Bumpy but better everyday

 

I am sorry with my comments about respect. Maybe it is wrong to say that, but I honestly do feel part of respecting yourself comes from realizing you do indeed deserve better, but it sounds like you are indeed doing that.

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It's all good man, Didn't mean to sound negative either.

 

No that we're talking she told me that she was considering separating, we had a 3-4 year rough patch and we both were getting tired of it. I had considered divorce a few times before also, just didn't want to go to the extreme.

 

It's sick but this event seems to have brought us closer. There's no trust between us right now but we are slowly working on it.

 

If she wrote down her feeling and stated everything that she did it would still be useless in a court fight. Since we are trying to fix our marriage it would look like I had forgiven the affair and attempted to move forward. At this point we have talked and are open enough that if we do split it will be on good terms. Not what either of us want to do, at least not me but at this point I don't think we would be a violent crazy divorcing couple like you usually see.

 

The evidence I was collecting was just incase she didn't admit to it and tried to deny it. I would have burned her if that was the case. She hasn't denied anything and told me so much more that I even suspected. I do feel she's sorry.

 

Right now it's bumpy but we seem happy. There are a lot of things that bother me but it's less and less, I still have problems sleeping and eating sometimes but it's getting better.

 

We have a marriage counselor but I don't think she specializes in adultery so I am going to look for a new one. My wife is comfortable with her so she might stay with her till I can show her some mistakes I think the counselor is telling her to do. Private boundaries, I shouldn't be allowed on her phone, secret tests to see what I'm doing and to test me. I don't like what the counselor is doing, she was great in the beginning but now that the adultery is out I don't think the counselor knows how to handle it. My wife holding back things to test me throws out huge flags that set me off and is not how I want our relationship to move forward.

 

I guess everyone is smart in their own way, and stupid also. That wasn't a good statement to make. But I am glad that I had time to spin down before I pulled a trigger. If I would have dropped papers and she left I would never had had the closure that I have now. I would have been asking what did I do? Us talking openly about how good she felt with him, how he made her feel is horrible to listen to. But I can track back in my own mind about 10 years ago when I started to help cause the issues. No way totally my fault but we are both listening and clearing up the bigger picture.

 

Honest Trusting Communication is the biggest key to everything. If you can trust someone enough to tell them something that will kill them inside that's impressive. She trusted me with that info and I in turn trusted her with mine.

 

I think we will be fine in time as long as we both can change a little, or respect each others feelings better. This would never work with just one.

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If your wife was also holding back things from you to test you,etc. I do have to admit I'm confused why you are even giving this another shot. That is another huge red flag to me.

 

As for trusting someone with info that might kill them inside being impressive, I think it depends on context. If this person told you the truth, but did not tell you immediately after it happened? That is way less impressive and disrespectful and also one thing my mother always taught me: people don't get brownie points for simply being truthful. Especially since the flip side of that is the fact that this person could ever do something to you that would kill you inside.

 

If you want to try to work things out go for it, but it really sounds like she can't possible be in love with you. If you really feel like it would truly be best for the family if you didn't split up maybe think about divorcing her, but still living together? I realize this would be hard, but you wouldn't exactly have to sleep in the same room with her. Obviously I would say just split up, but I think either way even if you still live with her you should divorce her.

Edited by Spectre
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No I really don't think she's held anything back. I think our counselor is bad and doesn't handle affairs.

 

Telling me what would kill me inside, she came out and told me while so upset and hysterical that I don't have any doubt she's telling me the truth. Also I told you she told me so much more I didn't know about. Also she knew it was over and still offered up the information.

 

It feels like the love is still here, and now that we're talking it seems to becoming stronger. Still to early to know but at least if we split now it would be on good terms, better for the kids, easier to separate. Not some horrible mess.

 

Nothing comes easy so hopefully this will strengthen us in the long run. Either way we are talking and it seems honestly so there are no empty questions to worry about.

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