Wife cheated, Trying to make it work

[MrBig]

On sept 26 of this year, I found out that my wife had been having affair for about 5 months. The details at this point are irrelevant. She is currently working through her issues of getting over the other guy, which my counselor tells me is common in this situation. She also has no desire to have sex. Anyone experience the same thing. I have forgiven and refuse to live in the past. I also don't want her to have sex just to make me happy (because I wont be). Just looking for feedback for people who have went through the same thing. Maybe things to do to help the process along. How long your situation (i know everyones situation is different) took to get through.

 

Thnx, Mr. Big

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

The details are never irrelevant.

 

What issues does she have getting over the other guy?

 

If she loves the other guy and not you, if she wanted to have sex with the other guy and not you, then why is she with you and not him? Obligation? Appearances? Kids? Finances?

[JamesM]

Agree with Mickey. The details are never irrelevant. Why she broke it off with him is also important. Did SHE do it or did he? Does she still want him?

 

A five month affair is not just a one night stand or even a short fling. It is a relationship that superseded your marriage with her. This is not something that can be simply swept under the rug.

 

This requires some major counseling and talking. This demands that you know the details so that you can deal with it. This is not something that you can simply forgive and be happy. You will go through some very difficult times yourself and with her over the next few MONTHS. This will not disappear in a few days.

 

In order for you to rebuild your marriage, you will need to work through this carefully. She MUST be completely accountable to you for her time and every move she makes. Trust will be rebuilt slowly.

 

If you try to smooth this over and move on without confronting it and dealing with it, then your marriage will suffer and probably not survive...and certainly not thrive.

 

How long have the two of you been married?

 

Do you have any children?

 

How old are the two of you?

 

And most importantly, WHY did she have the affair?

[dichotomy]

On sept 26 of this year, I found out that my wife had been having affair for about 5 months. The details at this point are irrelevant. She is currently working through her issues of getting over the other guy, which my counselor tells me is common in this situation. She also has no desire to have sex. Anyone experience the same thing. I have forgiven and refuse to live in the past. I also don't want her to have sex just to make me happy (because I wont be). Just looking for feedback for people who have went through the same thing. Maybe things to do to help the process along. How long your situation (i know everyones situation is different) took to get through.

 

Thnx, Mr. Big

 

 

Be supportive of how hard it is for her to get over the other guy - afterall he made her feel special in ways you did not.

 

Keep telling her you refuse to live in the past - but its okay that she does.

 

Tell her sex is not important to you, and you will wait as long as it takes for her to find desire for you, but your okay either way.

 

Keep telling her how much you forgive her and will do anything to help her with HER Process.

 

Then after all this - go to the tatoo parlor and get the word "doormat" put on on your chest.

Edited November 11, 2013 by dichotomy

[Clay]

Be supportive of how hard it is for her to get over the other guy - afterall he made her feel special in ways you did not.

 

Keep telling her you refuse to live in the past - but its okay that she does.

 

Tell her sex is not important to you, and you will wait as long as it takes for her to find desire for you, but your okay either way.

 

Keep telling her how much you forgive her and will do anything to help her with HER Process.

 

Then after all this - go to the tatoo parlor and get the word "doormat" put on on your chest.

 

 

Love that last part.

 

Seriously this experience is going to be the worst part of your life. You are going to be asked and expected to deal with feelings and emotions you never have felt before all at the same time.

 

You can try to rebuild the love you have had with her but seriously most people do not and can not. Cheating is such a horrible thing. If she truly wants to fix this then she needs to heal you at the same times she dreaming of the other guy. I don't really get or understand why the person that has betrayed has to do all the work.

 

If she wasn't doing everything you asked to fix this then I would walk away. Its not your fault she cheated. Its hers. She could have left you and asked for a separation. She failed to communicate with you that she was not happy in her marriage.

 

You are going to have to figure out what you want to do. I put up with my xW cheating for ten years and I got to a point to where I told her I was having the Doormat sign removed from my head and if she did it again she was gone. One year later I found her on the phone talking to a guy she called a friend. I am a voice engineer and just happened to been working on the gateway our calls from my house goes through. I confronted her about it she lied three times. The next monday I had a weird feeling and went home and found her emailing the guy how she dreamed of him. I dragged her out the front door. She put up a serious fight but I was done. You are going to ask your self what is your limit.

 

 

I wish you all the best in your search for sanity.

 

Clay

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed would your wife have been so accepting and forgiving immediately as you have been? Hope you both have been tested for STD's.

 

She should be asking and pleading for your forgiveness and asking for a second chance and doing all of the heavy lifting to win your back. Looking at your situation all I can ask is what is wrong with this picture?

 

IF YOU DON'T RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

[harrybrown]

The best way is to file for divorce. Let her go to the land of the unicorns, and someday she will realize that she made the biggest mistake of her life.

 

She may wake up after the divorce, she may not.

 

This is no way to live, tell her since she is not attracted to you and you are her backup plan, that you can not be her backup plan.

 

She would do such wonderful things for the OM, and she can not stand you?

 

This is crazy! Be a man, file for divorce.

[ChooseTruth]

It sounds like you are giving what people here call "cheap forgiveness" and it rarely works out. It didn't for me. I eventually reached my limit. It is fine to work on yourself, but you can only do so much. It's usually said that it takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. You probably aren't an exception, especially if she's handling things the way it sounds.

 

Has she gone completely no contact with the OM?

Is she completely transparent about everything to help you heal and restore trust? Does she tell you if OM tries to contact her, or does she hide it?

Has she told you the real story?

Is she showing you love?

Has she expressed utter regret, shame, and validated your pain?

Has she looked within *herself* to find out why this happened in order to prevent it from happening again? No copout excuses blaming you, she's responsible for her own actions.

 

There are women who give ALL these things to their BH after the A.

 

I recommend you read some of the more repentant WW's threads on this site to prove it to yourself.

sofie

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=20671203

Coolit

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=20671209

compulsive dancer

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=20671219

 

 

I would also like to know if you have kids. It's something to fight for if so...but only if staying together doesn't end up hurting them.

[Sub]

On sept 26 of this year, I found out that my wife had been having affair for about 5 months. The details at this point are irrelevant. She is currently working through her issues of getting over the other guy, which my counselor tells me is common in this situation. She also has no desire to have sex. Anyone experience the same thing. I have forgiven and refuse to live in the past. I also don't want her to have sex just to make me happy (because I wont be). Just looking for feedback for people who have went through the same thing. Maybe things to do to help the process along. How long your situation (i know everyones situation is different) took to get through.

 

Thnx, Mr. Big

 

 

I was in a similar situation, with the exception of her not wanting to have sex. Have you asked her what the issue is there?

 

And as much as I loved my wife and wanted to make it work, forgiveness wasn't something that happened, especially so soon. It's way too complicated and vague a concept and I don't even know if, more than two years later, I'd be able to say that I "forgive". I'd allow yourself the same, depending on what you feel that entails.

[2sunny]

Why should you forgive so easily? Another man was INSIDE her!

 

Why don't you deserve decency?

 

Why are you staying when she isn't making it up to YOU?

 

Why are you patient when she isn't REPAIRING the damage SHE CAUSED?

 

Why isn't she SUFFERING consequences?

 

Make her move! Cut off her access to money!

 

See IF she starts being sorry then!

 

If SHE isn't making 10 times MORE effort than you - then she's only sorry she got caught - not sorry she cheated.

 

You can't make her feel sorry and fix the damage. You CAN move forward and take care of YOUR best interest!

Edited November 11, 2013 by 2sunny

[Scott Thomas]

Any updates?

[Realist3]

Forgive on your own terms. You don't have to follow anyone elses path to forgiveness; many people here never forgive. Do what works for you.

[bubbaganoosh]

I don't know how you handled this so well. Most people would be bouncing off the walls.

 

You said she's working through her issues and her biggest issue would be and SHOULD BE with you. Not the OM. IMO, sex with her would be the last thing on my mind. I would be so pissed, I wouldn't want her in the same room with me or the house.

 

Is she showing you any kind of remorse? If not, then you have a bigger problem. She should be doing everything she can to make things right with you.

 

How did you find out about her affair? People here want to help but your not giving any details about what happened. Would help to know then the advice you get will not be coming from left field.

[Try]

I found out that my wife had been having affair for about 5 months. The details at this point are irrelevant. She is currently working through her issues of getting over the other guy, which my counselor tells me is common in this situation. She also has no desire to have sex. Anyone experience the same thing. I have forgiven and refuse to live in the past. I also don't want her to have sex just to make me happy (because I wont be). Just looking for feedback for people who have went through the same thing. Maybe things to do to help the process along.

Sorry to say but what you are doing is called rug sweeping. You want to move on as quickly as possible as if it did not happen. You want to forgive and forget and move on without holding the cheating spouse accountable with consequences for her actions. When they first cheat, they fear being caught because they beleive that there will be serious consequences that could include divorce. If you rug sweep and forgive too easy, they no longer fear being caught. Begin caught will be viewed as noting more than a hassle that will keep them from their affair partner for a bit, but they no longer fear it. This is why rug sweeping does not work long term, as it almost guarantees that the cheater will cheat again after things have cooled down.

 

Your spouse admits that she still wants to be with her lover. She remains loyal to him by not having sex with you. If she is in effect saying that if she cannot have sex with her lover, then she will not have sex with you so that the other man does not become second to you as her man. Worse yet, when she does start having sex with her lover again, while continuing to give you little or no sex, she will be letting the other man know that he is her number one priority. If you read "His Needs Her Needs" you will see that the number one need of men is Sexual Fulfillment, a need that she willingly wants to meet for the other man, but not for you. Another top need for men in this book is Admiration; something that she is not giving you but is giving the other man by have trouble getting over him.

 

The best odds of saving your marriage long term, is to be willing to end it if she is not willing give you a marriage worth having. File for divorce and mean it. the divorce process can always be stopped if she gives you good reason to stop it. If she is not willing to fight to save the marriage, and is willing to let you divorce her, then the marraige was going to be over anyways. She needs to care about your needs and feelings. She needs to help you heal by showing remorse.

[jnj express]

Mr Big---she won't have sex with you cuz she does not love you anymore---she has REPLACED you

 

You can delude yourself, anyway you want---you can forgive/forget/not wanna know---it all boils down to the fact---that HE IS HER H, now---not you

 

If she has sex with you---then she is cheating on him

 

If she went so far as to do what was necessary, to have an A, and replace you---it is time for you start REALLY digging in and finding out why---what has caused your wife to replace you

 

You cannot "nice" her into wanting you back, or making this right---that makes you lose even MORE respect in her eyes, and she already has MAJOR DISRESPECT for you

 

At this point why would you wanna have sex with her---she stands there right in front of you with another mans seed INSIDE OF HER---that would make me wanna puke!!!!!!!

[Sub]

Mr Big---she won't have sex with you cuz she does not love you anymore---she has REPLACED you

 

You can delude yourself, anyway you want---you can forgive/forget/not wanna know---it all boils down to the fact---that HE IS HER H, now---not you

 

If she has sex with you---then she is cheating on him

At this point why would you wanna have sex with her---she stands there right in front of you with another mans seed INSIDE OF HER---that would make me wanna puke!!!!!!!

 

Am I missing something from the OP? She had a 5-month affair. Not many details were given. It's a monumental leap to infer she's now married to the OM and is carrying his baby, is it not?

[jnj express]

Hey Sub--what I am saying is that thru her A, she has replaced her H, and is in love with her lover---and so she will not have sex with her H, cuz that is akin to cheating on her lover----much of the time---that is the way this thing works/plays out

 

She obviously is still married to her H---but he doesn't even get sloppy 2nds

[Sub]

You're making a lot of assumptions based off of very little information, and with over-wrought language--"-she stands there right in front of you with another mans seed INSIDE OF HER"--

 

Good soundbites for a cable-access-type religious sermon. I wouldn't be surprised if the OP s*** his pants after reading that and quit the internet.

[Debanked]

Excellent reply Sub. Wish I had a nickel for every time I've seen a sensationalist post trying to goad the OP into a knee-jerk response. Some people seek advice but aren't looking for their life to play out like a soap opera.

[jnj express]

Hey Sub and Debanked---Mr Big stated his wife is having an A-----If she had sex, and Mr Big doesn't seem to be talking about an EA---then she DOES HAVE ANOTHER MANS SEED INSIDE OF HER----at least thats the way it worked the last time 2 people had sex-----

 

There ain't no sensationalism here---just simply stating hard cold facts

[bwright42tx]

Hey Sub and Debanked---Mr Big stated his wife is having an A-----If she had sex, and Mr Big doesn't seem to be talking about an EA---then she DOES HAVE ANOTHER MANS SEED INSIDE OF HER----at least thats the way it worked the last time 2 people had sex-----

 

There ain't no sensationalism here---just simply stating hard cold facts

 

Unless the AP wore a condom . . .

[Sub]

If she had sex, and Mr Big doesn't seem to be talking about an EA---then she DOES HAVE ANOTHER MANS SEED INSIDE OF HER----at least thats the way it worked the last time 2 people had sex-----

 

I wasn't aware of this. Is this in a new biology textbook, that every time two people have sex, a seed is planted no matter what?

[oldshirt]

jnj may be talking pretty rough and crude but he is right on many levels.

 

The OP's wife probably has lost all attraction and desire for OP and the affair was probably developed to the point that she saw the OM as her primary partner and that doing anything with Mr Big would be cheating on the OM.

 

jnj didn't word it this way but I think the message he was trying to relay is that for all practical purposes Mr Big has been replaced in her heart and in her vagina and that he has already lost the war.

 

Mrs Big may be going through a few motions to make it look like she is trying to save the marriage and do the right thing but the damage has already been done. It's all just lip service at this point until she either throws in the towel and leaves to carry on with her life without Mr Big. Or until Mr Big realizes she is tainted and spoiled and rotten to him and he no longer wishes to try to remain marriage.

 

They are both in a fog. Mrs Big is still in the affair fog and is in love with the OM and has no love, attraction or desire for Mr Big at all any more.

 

And Mr Big is in the fog of wanting things to be the way there were before the affair. One of these days in the near future (perhaps even already) he is going to wake up and realize those days are gone and he is going to realize that she is full of some other mans sperm (figuratively as well as literally) and realize there isn't anything left there for him.

[oldshirt]

I wasn't aware of this. Is this in a new biology textbook, that every time two people have sex, a seed is planted no matter what?

 

the context that jnj was referring to is 'seed' = sperm/semen/jizz etc. Not a literal pregnancy.

[Sub]

I'm aware of this. It's still sensationalist, conjectural and biologically impossible, given the timeframe of the A given by the OP.